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Vallerina

A relationship thread

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What it comes down to is: If they don't make me happy now, they won't make me happy later - only one person in my life is responsible for making me happy -> me.



True. Very true. Essentially, it comes down to knowing what you'll accept and what you cannot accept.
Kevin - Sonic Beef #5 - OrFun #28
"I never take myself too seriously, 'cuz everybody know fat birds don't fly." - FLC
Online communities: proof that people never mature much past high school.

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The problem with most of this type of 'wisdom' is that it tends to be valid only for the bearer, usually.


No, I disagree. Much wisdom can be applied to many people. Obviously, it can't be applied to everyone, but why not try to learn from others' mistakes? :D



You are right, we can learn much from the lessons that others learn. However, if what you take from someone else's lessons is a generality like "Don't date a person with these traits or that birthmark or that you met at this type of place" the lesson loses some of it's value. I'm sure there are plenty of happy, healthy relationships that was formed in unknowing opposition to one of these "rules".

Not to cop out, or anything, but it does tend to be "to each, their own" in this life. B|
Kevin - Sonic Beef #5 - OrFun #28
"I never take myself too seriously, 'cuz everybody know fat birds don't fly." - FLC
Online communities: proof that people never mature much past high school.

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Rule 5: Never date someone who cheated on/broke up with thier S/O for you - odds are they will do likewise to you, too.



This is the big one. When someone has to constantly go from one relationship to the next it is a sign of insecurity as well as a lack of respect for ones self and others. It may not be a guarantee that the will actually physically cheat, but odds are they will emotionally not be in the relationship. Not to mention the lack of trust it creates in the beginning. As with you, they were looking for something new before they finished off the other project. You will constantly wonder if that person was on the prowl behind your back. Causes a huge amount of jealousy and mistrust. and 9 times out of 10 they are looking elsewhere for something. :(

This is the biggest rule for me right now, as I just went through this. I don't know what the hell I was thinking, patterns should be evident. Take the time to look at ones past. If they show a history of jumping from relationship to relationship with little or no time in between (like days, after a 3 year relationship), they are not honest with themselves or their partners for that matter. In addition, if they do this, the odds that they are actually not willing to totally commit to a relationship through think and thin are nil. Is that what you want? someone to run when things doing go the way they want? People don't change overnight and most will never change for that matter.

Don't ever compromise yourself, and always listen to your head, and not your heart. That damn thing can get you into trouble at times ;)
She is not a "Dumb Blonde" - She is a "Light-Haired Detour Off The Information Superhighway."
eeneR
TF#72, FB#4130, Incauto

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OK, sounds interesting. Not sure how much I have to offer, but based on three live-in relationships that lasted over a year and two marriages (one for 18 months, the other 14 years and counting), here you go:

1) Better be friends first. The romance has peaks and valleys, the hot sex comes and goes, but you can carry through a lot of rough spots if you just plain old like to hang out with each other.

2) Be willing to change for shit that doesn't matter, and make sure they understand that you won't change some things no matter what. Be flexible, but make sure your SO understands where your personal boundaries are.

3) If you win an argument, apologize immediately ;).

4) Make sure you have your own things. My wife and I have been together 20 years, and only opened a joint checking account when we had to deposit our joint tax refund check.

and finally (and sorry to sound like a traitor to my gender):

5) If you find a woman who's willing to put up with all your bullshit, hold on tight, don't let her go!

Iceman
Doctor I ain't gonna die,
Just write me an alibi! ---- Lemmy/Slash

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Men suck.

Okay, I'll be serious...

- If someone says they don't want to get married, ever, believe them. They aren't going to change their mind.

- If you tell someone you'll call, call them within a couple of days (if not the next day).

- If you were seeing someone but change your mind about wanting to see them again, let them know what's up so they don't wonder why you quit talking to them.

- Don't move in with someone until you've stayed with them at least a few times.

- Don't rush things. Build a friendship first. Wait a while before jumping into bed with them - it'll be way better sex once you have an emotional connection than it will be if you do them right off the bat.



You and I must have had similar experiences, because I was about to put almost the same exact themes. However, a couple are slightly modified from my point of view.

- If a man says they don't want to get married, ever, believe them. They aren't going to change their mind. If a woman says it, she's lying to get you to get serious with her and then she'll nag you to get married.

- If you tell someone you'll call, call them within a couple of days (but never the next day, makes you seem desperate).

- If you were seeing someone but change your mind about wanting to see them again, let them know what's up so they don't wonder why you quit talking to them. Plus it's polite. And you might change your mind about them later and want to give it another shot.

- Don't move in with someone EVER, for any reason.

- Don't rush sex. But DON'T build a friendship first if you know you're interested in more. Flirt with them and let them know that you're interested in being more than just friends. If they're not interested at all, fine, go for the friendship if you want. But if you try to be friends first, and lovers later, there's a damn good chance you'll just be friends and end up going to their wedding to someone else.

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5) If you find a woman who's willing to put up with all your bullshit, hold on tight, don't let her go!

Iceman



Amen, brother. B|
Kevin - Sonic Beef #5 - OrFun #28
"I never take myself too seriously, 'cuz everybody know fat birds don't fly." - FLC
Online communities: proof that people never mature much past high school.

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You must be totally, 100% happy with yourself and your own life before you will be happy in a relationship. Once you are there, remember what made you (prior to the relationship) happy and continue those same things.

You cannot look to the relationship to fulfill your life. You must continue to bring your own happiness to it to make it work.

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Ah, just like you can't expect to find someone to [I]complete[/I] you. You are already complete, whether you are fully aware of it or not. You need someone who [I]compliments[/I] you.
Kevin - Sonic Beef #5 - OrFun #28
"I never take myself too seriously, 'cuz everybody know fat birds don't fly." - FLC
Online communities: proof that people never mature much past high school.

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Exactly! :)



Wait. What? I got something [I]right[/I]? Hang on, I gotta mark this date on the calendar! :P
Kevin - Sonic Beef #5 - OrFun #28
"I never take myself too seriously, 'cuz everybody know fat birds don't fly." - FLC
Online communities: proof that people never mature much past high school.

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The interesting thing about relationship discussions is the difference between what people say and what they do. Example - the following lines:
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Honestly, showing more cleavage will not get more decent guys to talk to you.



All the women will nod, agree... and then put on bait clothes before going out.

Men and women will say humor, personality, etc is important... and then go for the good-looking or rich one.

"Honesty is important" and then proceed to misrepresent themselves. They expect the other person to be honest. Dating is a huge amount of head games, presentation, posturing.

There is no one "answer". Men/women of different personalities, ages, types... have different needs.
My type isn't everyone elses type. Pick up a good pair of bullshit detectors and find someone that works for you.

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3) If you win an argument, apologize immediately



i need to get this one tatooed backwards on my forehead so i'll see it every morning when i brush my teeth.....
____________________________________
Those who fail to learn from the past are simply Doomed.

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It's tough to articulate all the things that go into a good relationship, at least for me it is. But here goes.

1) I always treat my wife with respect, and she does the same for me. I don't make fun of her in public just to get a laugh - I've seen that happen and it really can hurt someone.

2) It sounds like a cliche, but we really are good friends. Great sex is great, but it's not going to happen 24 hours a day.

3) We were very honest with each other before we got married about what we liked and disliked - especially on the big issues: money, sex. religion, kids, careers, hobbies.

3) We knew each other for almost 3 years before we got married - and knew that it wasn't just infatuation.

4) We have made a real committment to be there for each other, no matter what. That means not cutting out just because things aren't going perfectly. That also means when she or I come home from a bad day at work and need to vent, the other one stops what they are doing and listens; and I've learned not to jump in with lots of solutions.

5) We do little things for each other unexpectedly - she got home from a week seeing relatives in SoCal, and I had a card and a dozen roses waiting for her. It really made her day.

6) We also give each other space - another cliche but it helps. I took off for 2 weeks last year on a motorcycle trip with 2 riding buddies. She knew she would be bored with nothing but motorcycles for 2 weeks and didn't throw a fit about my leaving. I also don't mind when she takes off for a week to see her relatives or when she goes out for a night with her girlfriends.

7) Lastly, and it's been hard for me - I really tell her what I'm feeling. I don't stuff it inside, nor do I blame her for what's happening. I let her know how I feel when she does something I don't like. We argue, but don't call each other names - this enables us to thrash things out without descending into namecalling and inaccurate accustations.

There may be more that I/we do, but I can't think of anything else right now.

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-Don't misrepresent your true self to a date or person you might be hitting on. You might get laid or even become romantically involved, but your true self will eventually shine through and then you will have to pay the price for perpetrating a fraud.

-Never screw a married woman or someone you know to be romantically involved, especially with a friend. Even if they do "run off" with you, Your complicity will catch up to you at some point later in life.

-Do not ever, ever introduce anyone you truly care about to swinging if you have any jealousy in your body. Once that can is open, you can never expect to close it.

-Never say "I love you" just to get some drawers.

-Don't create elaborate lies and aliases when you are drunk in order to get laid; you will forget them at some point and get busted and your buddies will laugh (and scarf up the chick).

-Don't drive ten hours one way every weekend just to get some drawers. There are plenty of suitable mates in your geographic region and running up the milage too fast on your Corvette really kills the resale value.

- Don't let your incredibly drunk roommate drive your new Corvette back to the bar after you have already made it home safely, just because he thinks he might have a chance wtih the last troglodite standing at the bar. He will surely wreck your car and get YOU thrown in jail. :ph34r:

-after you are done posturing with your two-tone Rolex and new Corvette, know that so long as you are a decent, fun person you you can still end up with a much nicer, compatible mate even though you choose to drive an old Volvo staion wagon and live on the dropzone.

-The harder you look for love, the less likely you will find it. If you are able to have fun on a dropzone with your friends, then you will certainly happen into a like-minded mate at some point.

-Don't obsess over what you cannot have. If you magically do end up with what you could not have, don't think for a minute it will be anything like what you imagined.

-Don't marry a person you cannot live with for six months without wanting to kill or break up with. Previous to that, don't move in with a person you cannot date seriously for six months without wanting to kill or break up with.

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Okay, I can do this!! B|

Guys, the trick is (as crazy as it sounds) don't let the girl know that you really care for her. The second she knows she has you by the balls, she'll get bored with you and run off. You can care, do sweet things, but never just come out and say it. Let her think that she could lose you at any time, and she'll be begging for you. Let her know she's got ya, and she'll be gone in a heartbeat.

B|


Well as a girl I have to disagree with you on this...sounds to me like you have been mixed up with alot of immature girls who like to play games. I really apppreciate all the little things my s/o does for me (most of you know who he is....:P) He can be very sweet and do some very considerate things. The little unexpected post-it notes or a rose from time to time mean the most. I for one have never been into games. I appreciate a gentleman that knows how to treat a lady, however I dont expect it all of the time, b/c then like anything else it gets old. I have found honesty & respect get you the farthest. I treat people how I want and like to be treated. I have been told by many that I am cut from an old fashioned mold...maybe so...but it has worked good for me.

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Chuck,

This post is right on...thank you!

My .02
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-Don't misrepresent your true self to a date or person you might be hitting on. You might get laid or even become romantically involved, but your true self will eventually shine through and then you will have to pay the price for perpetrating a fraud.



This is so amazing, how many guys pretend that they are saints and that they have a heart of gold etc, when in the recent past, they have cheated on multiple GF's, had 2 GF's at once etc. They try and play it up like they are this really sweet loving guy, and they are not a monster. grr... Once a pig, always a pig. things do come around and will get you.

As I said in another post about being true to yourself and portraying yourself as you want to be seen. Treat others as you want to be treated. Please show respect to others feelings. If you dont want to be serious do not lead them on, or say nothing, dont even get involved with them. It is not fair to them or there feelings.

Relationships take two people to work, there will be times when things will not be going the way you want them because things happen to your SO that are hard for them to deal with. Be there for them, dont decide since they are not happy at that moment, that you need to go elsewhere. If you dont love someone enough to go through the bad times, please dont continue the relationship.

ok off the soapbox....:S
She is not a "Dumb Blonde" - She is a "Light-Haired Detour Off The Information Superhighway."
eeneR
TF#72, FB#4130, Incauto

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This is so amazing, how many guys pretend that...



Fortunately, women never do. ;) What would we do if that ever happened. :o

Here is how the conversation goes...
"You don't have a g/f? How come?"
"Haven't met one I like."
"What are you looking for?"
"blah, blah, blah"
"Really? I am just like "

She spends the rest of the evening convincing you that she is exactly that woman.

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Fortunately, women never do. What would we do if that ever happened.



Neversaid that wasnt possble ;) I was just venting from my perspective B|
She is not a "Dumb Blonde" - She is a "Light-Haired Detour Off The Information Superhighway."
eeneR
TF#72, FB#4130, Incauto

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One common theme for the sexes. If one sex is committing some relationship sin, the other is also. I just like to point that out. :)
I have also known same-sex couples who play some serious games.

Probably the most damaging thing that I see happen is the person who expects to "change" the other person later. People don't change, they just become miserable.

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Ok, I'll try again, stupid computer...
Anyway, there was this guy I met in college. Arrogant, self centered SOB, invited me out by saying "heybaby, I'm going out Satureday nite, wanna tag along", He was a JerK! He was the opposite of everyone of my relationship rules! Of course I told him to go F&** himself. So this jackass figures out a way to do me a favor, and then I owe him a date. Date roles around, he meets me at the front door with " I have five bucks, whatdaya wanna do?" Planted this HUGE kiss on me in my folks driveway, and proposed to me FOUR DAYS later. We have been married now for 29 YEARS. He is the same age as my next older sister, who at that time had more relationship rules than I had, and was still single. Long and short of it, she met a guy the night of my wedding, who was the opposite of all of her relationship rules, they fell in love, and 28 years later, they are STILL married too. So forget the rules, have fun, and see what develops....
skydiveTaylorville.org
[email protected]

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I have some tips for women about how to make a relationship last..

A) While giving your man head.. do not block the tv screen.. and maek sure you swallow.. we don't want to have to have to clean up afterwards..

B) Stay fit. Even if we become fat slobs, we still want a hottie to play with..

C) Give us plenty of massages.. foot, back., belly.. whatever we desire.. after all, the more you serve us, the more we need you..

D) Take care of those household chores.. we really don't want to mow the lawn, paint the house, take out the garbage, etc. Why make an issue out of it.. Just do it.. and don't whine.. we don't like it when you whine..

Just the tip of the iceberg ladies.. There is more but you'll have to lick my sack to get it.. ;)
chopchop
gotta go... Plaything needs a spanking..

Lotsa Pictures

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Gotta say I disagree with you, Grumpy!

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Rule 3: If one has never been married, never date someone who has.



Why discriminate due to former marriages? Just cuz he has been married and I haven't. we shouldn't be together? That doesn't make any sense.


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Rule 6: Never date someone with kids, unless you have them as well.



Not only does my SO have a kid, she lives with the two of us. He and I are raising her together. I couldn't be happier. She is the most amazing thing to happen to my world, other than him!

I do agree with a lot of you saying that you should not meet people at bars. I met my SO doing what I love to do......reading and posting on dropzone.com!:P

~Anne

I'm a Doll!!!!

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Just the tip of the iceberg ladies.. There is more but you'll have to lick my sack to get it.. ;)



Dude, I now have to explain to my co-workers why I can't stop laughing. :D

Sarcasm is the sign of an active mind. ;)
Kevin - Sonic Beef #5 - OrFun #28
"I never take myself too seriously, 'cuz everybody know fat birds don't fly." - FLC
Online communities: proof that people never mature much past high school.

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