Ass hair does have a purpose after all.

[MooChooser 0]

I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to all though tasteless, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble pooping. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique.
It seems my ss-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my arsecheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling.

Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with somepaper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my arse of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn babe. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My arse was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for clarse. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two arsecheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to clarse. Eventually, I
thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poop -molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after clarse, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky poop/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there
and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally
reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my arse off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks.

As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my arse cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own poop blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my arse at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for arse-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my arsecheeks.

Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't
enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your arse having the texture of a brillo pad.

Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Copied+pasted BTW.

[PLFXpert 0]

Sick!

Paint me in a corner, but my color comes back.

[RhondaLea 4]

You meant to post this to alt.tasteless.

Well done, btw.

rl

If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb

[SkymonkeyONE 4]

You obviously have too much time on your hands.

[woodpecker 0]

Still laughing!

SONIC WOODY #146

There is a fine line between cockiness and confidence -- which side of the line are you on?

[ScottishJohn 25]

I wish I hadn't read this at work. I'm laughing so hard that everyone wants to know what i've been reading.

john

PS the bit about your cheeks being like a brillo pad was the final straw and I started to choke on my coffee

----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you think my attitude stinks you should smell my fingers

[FlankSteak 0]

This is a great conversation piece! I can't believe I will be talking about another guys ass in the near future, how could I not? You wrote it with clarity that "shaved" a picture - LMAO

______________________________________________
"...whatever stands against freedom must be set aside, be it ritual or superstition or limitation in any form."

[Scoop 0]

LMFAO I know exactly where your coming from. Things to do bored in the bath with a razor that seem sensible soon come round to bite ya!

[Mike111 0]

how very....charming to say the last

[gemini 0]

Thanks! That was the funniest thing I have read in a long time.

Blue skies,

Jim

[peregrinerose 0]

That is a classic piece of literature, freaking hilarious!!

Do or do not, there is no try -Yoda

[TrophyHusband 0]

i feel your pain, i sometimes need to shower after a dump just to make sure everything is clean. i also rid myself of asshair once ny accident. i was using spray-on hair remover on my beanbag. the excess ran down into my crack and removed the hair there too. i didn't have the friction problems you describe, but the regrowing hair was almost unbearable. i resumed use of the mach 3 on the boys and never looked back.

"Your scrotum is quite nice" - Skymama
www.kjandmegan.com

[micro 0]

*golfclap* bravo, young man, bravo *golfclap*

lmao! you've convinced me to keep my anal dreadlocks, thanks.

I miss Lee.
And JP.
And Chris. And...

[Salsa_John 0]

Quote

I wish I hadn't read this at work. I'm laughing so hard that everyone wants to know what i've been reading.

john

PS the bit about your cheeks being like a brillo pad was the final straw and I started to choke on my coffee

Ditto!

Try baby powder or Gold Bond.

"You did what?!?!"

MUFF #3722, TDSM #72, Orfun #26, Nachos Rodriguez

[Carpediem 0]

LOL! That's awesome doode! I always thought about it, now I know the answer!

Those who do, can't explain. Those who don't, can't understand.

[micro 0]

your suffering has prevented many other dumbshits, like myself, from enduring the same anal crucifixion. you're a saint.

I miss Lee.
And JP.
And Chris. And...

[SudsyFist 0]

Mankind's greatest invention: Cottonelle Fresh Moist Wipes

Buy them. Use them. Live them. Love them.

[OrangeJumper 0]

LMAO....OMG, that is some funny shiot

Dude, you've got issues

The Original Cabana Boy!

[micro 0]

Quote

Mankind's greatest invention: Cottonelle Fresh Moist Wipes

Buy them. Use them. Live them. Love them.

we certainly appreciate the advice, even if it IS coming from someone WITHOUT ass hair...

btw, best avatar yet dude.

I miss Lee.
And JP.
And Chris. And...

[Lindercles 0]

i'm going out on a limb here, but i have to defend the practice of shaving. seriously, it's not that bad. in fact, it's great.
see my interests

[goose491 0]

Dood! That's hillarious

This post should go right up there with Malta Dogs Perils of Gum Swallowing

My Karma ran over my Dogma!!!

[goose491 0]

Quote

i was using spray-on hair remover on my beanbag.

Dude, does that work without, ahem, burning consequence? I thought the chemical hair removers are not supposed to be used there... But it sure would beat the ol' Mach3.

My Karma ran over my Dogma!!!

[RhondaLea 4]

Quote

Try baby powder or Gold Bond.

No rimming for you.

Why don't you guys invest in a bidet? Powder is not good. Wipes of any kind leave a residue.

Buy a shower massage. Fill a quart squirt bottle with warm water. Something, anything.

rl

Edited to add: Sorry. I didn't realize this thread is the men's equivalent of the Women's Forum.

If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb

[ebusto 0]

Hell yes, Cottonelle wipes have more or less replaced toilet paper in my apartment. I still buy TP in case guests desire it.

[StreetScooby 5]

ROFLMAO!!!

When I tried this, the friction between the cheeks caused a blister. Talk about hurt, and there was _nothing_ I could do about it. Resorted to putting a single sheet of toilet paper between the cheeks to reduce the friction, but it wouldn't stay in one place :):)

We are all engines of karma