Name your least liked "office speak" comments.

[Tuna-Salad 0]

Top 3 I hate.

"Going forward" - You can insert this almost anywhere in an office speak speech..

"When you get a chance." - Really means drop what you are doing and do X.

"If you can just go ahead and... from now on" - Does this need to be explained?

Millions of my potential children died on your daughters' face last night.

[quade 3]

"As soon as possible" - What that would really mean is I stop doing anything else for anyone else giving the request the highest priority, authorizing overtime and additional labor if that were in anyway required to do the work and deliver it "as soon as possible." When I ask that back as a condition, it's amazing how infrequently it's really what they intended to say.

The other thing that bugs me about the phrase is the implication that whatever it is takes priority over other clients. As if I have 10 clients who keep me busy enough to pay my rent, but I can drop their work on a moment's notice to serve this one other client, who may not in fact be my bread and butter client. Not that I would ever complain to the client about it, but it's just the arrogance of it. It's as if I literally have nothing better to do that wait for their phone call. No life or plans of my own.

Working to a deadline? Sure, I can do that seven days a week.

"As soon as possible" causes my adrenal gland to work overtime and as a result is going to cost you dearly.

Do not cry wolf with the phrase.

quade -
The World's Most Boring Skydiver

[BIGUN 1,053]

We need to think outside the box.

We need a major paradigm shift.

Who wants to take this as an action item.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[airtwardo 6]

"As soon as possible" causes my adrenal gland to work overtime and as a result is going to cost you dearly.

Quote

Gotta redefine YOUR definition of as soon as possible...


Reminds me of hearing 'do everything' you can to get it done.

i guess ~ as opposed to doing 1/2 of what I can to get it done... like with 'ordinary' projects?

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[airtwardo 6]

Work smart not hard.

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[jakee 1,254]

A simple one, "How are we getting on with X?" when X is not a team project.

'We' are not doing it, I'm doing it - in fact you're just standing there distracting me from doing it. Now fuck off.*




* A good part of my dislike of this phrase may actually be spilling over from my dislike of the person who currently uses it most

Do you want to have an ideagasm?

[AggieDave 6]

"Customer service."

They're not customers, they're citizens and to degrade them to anything less is outrageous in my mind. Or instead of "customer service" how about "treat persons with respect" or something similar. Calling people that law enforcement contact "customers" is belittling those same people.

However, if you're in "upper management" (admin) in law enforcement, you refer to it as customer service, since you haven't taken a report or a call for service in 20 years.

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[quade 3]

"Human Resources"

Way back when I first started working, there was a department called "Personnel." At the very least, the name of the department acknowledged you were a person. Whereas, "Human Resources" implies you're just another resource to be used and as replaceable as office copy paper or toner.

quade -
The World's Most Boring Skydiver

[airtwardo 6]

http://www.theofficelife.com/business-jargon-dictionary-A.html


I had no idea!

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[Stumpy 256]

The last time someone siad "leverage some synergies" to me, I couldn't help asking them if they were a real person.

Never try to eat more than you can lift

[Stumpy 256]

Oh, and "I have a quick question" means "I have a quick question that is going to need a somewhat involved answer and many many follow up questions"

Never try to eat more than you can lift

[oldwomanc6 38]

"If it's not too much trouble."

If you have to ask this; it is.

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[NWFlyer 2]

"So what's the ask?"

Actually, I have a general problem with verbing nouns and nouning verbs. And it happens a lot in the office. And at the DZ for that matter.

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

[champu 1]

Definitely have to agree with the ones related to communicating when/what you actually need. I'm lucky, at the moment, to work on a large team where virtually everyone understands this so even in true hurry-up cases you don't get "as soon as possible" you'll get, "I need it by ."

What annoys me most is not any specific phrase or term but when someone dissociates an opinion or decision from the person who holds/made it with langauge like "management thinks that..." or "the project decided that..." as an appeal to authority. I'm not entirely sure why people do this, but I think some people are just adverse to going back to their bosses and saying, "Hey, you know that thing you decided and told me to tell everyone? Well someone brought up a really good point about why it's a bad idea and has an alternative they want to share with you."

[quade 3]

Or, the opposite of that, dropping the name of the CEO of the company or other actually important person when you know damn well they don't get into stuff of that sort of granularity.

For instance, some low level worm of a marketing weasel says something to the effect of, "Bob Iger asked me to get this XYZ done to show it to Johnny Depp." Where XYZ is obviously the low level marketing guy's pet project that will never be shown to either of the mentioned names.

Yes, you still end up doing the work because it's your job, but the idiot didn't need to lie to you so blatantly for that to happen.

quade -
The World's Most Boring Skydiver

[deltron80 0]

What is it about working in an office that inspires people to make up words that do not exist?

So far my least favorite office terms are:

'Learnings'

'Deliverables'

'Impactful'

[quade 3]

Quote

What is it about working in an office that inspires people to make up words that do not exist?
So far my least favorite office terms are:
'Learnings'
'Deliverables'
'Impactful'

I swear they pretty much all take a class in advanced confusion as part of their MBA. The ones without the MBAs simply use the terms like parrots.

At least "deliverables" actually means something.

quade -
The World's Most Boring Skydiver

[BIGUN 1,053]

Quote

"Human Resources" Whereas, "Human Resources" implies you're just another resource to be used and as replaceable as office copy paper or toner.

We are just another resource. If you work for a company, that's it in a nutshell.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[skygazer 0]

Please "reach out to xxxx" if you need info.

Reach out is a big one where. I work. Makes me crazy.

Oh yeah, big one for our sales team: Let's get in "high, wide and deep" with our customers.

That just sounds dirty. Thank God for the mute button on the phone for conference calls, lol.

_______________________________________

[JohnMitchell 14]

Quote

"Customer service."

Russ Chew, that loser from American Airlines, change us from ATC to Air Traffic Organization and called all the system users "customers" as if they had a choice to go elsewhere for air traffic control clearances. What a dork. I've always been service-to-the-user oriented. Those fancy word changes didn't change a thing.

[riddler 0]

For whatever reason, everyone in I.T. is talking about "low-hanging fruit." It's fine the first few months, but I've heard it three or four times a day for the last few years.

Right now, I'm on an agile project, and there is a standing scrum (meeting), first thing in the morning, where each team member is called upon in turn to talk about their actions from yesterday, what they plan today, and any blocking issues. And everyone starts their short update with "so". "So, yesterday, I finished this task. So, today, I plan to do this task. So, there aren't any blocking issues." I'm starting to hate "so".

Other than that, it's the usual grammar-police thing. "I could care less", "irregardless", "you've got another thing (THINK) coming", "for all intensive purposes" should be "with all intents and purposes". I hate when people use data as a singular; "this data" should be "these data".

Truth is, I just hate it when people other than me are talking.

Trapped on the surface of a sphere. XKCD

[theonlyski 3]

Quote

Or, the opposite of that, dropping the name of the CEO of the company or other actually important person when you know damn well they don't get into stuff of that sort of granularity.

For instance, some low level worm of a marketing weasel says something to the effect of, "Bob Iger asked me to get this XYZ done to show it to Johnny Depp." Where XYZ is obviously the low level marketing guy's pet project that will never be shown to either of the mentioned names.

Yes, you still end up doing the work because it's your job, but the idiot didn't need to lie to you so blatantly for that to happen.

That irritated me pretty much every time, along with NCO's in the Army saying "CPT xxx told me to get this done, I don't agree with it, but we gotta do it anyways."

It doesn't matter who's idea it was or how good an idea it is, it's gotta get done, get it done.


I also hated whenever the project prime contractor (my counterpart) would come out and say "We need to get this fixed" then he would disappear and later, would ask how "We" are coming along with it.

"I may be a dirty pirate hooker...but I'm not about to go stand on the corner." iluvtofly
DPH -7, TDS 578, Muff 5153, SCR 14890
I'm an asshole, and I approve this message

[JohnMitchell 14]

"Did you get the memo on the cover sheets for you TPS reports?"

[wmw999 2,121]

Almost anything with the word "utilize." Utilize is almost always used as a big-word replacement for the perfectly good word "use."

Wendy P.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[ChrisL 2]

Leveraging core competencies.


We are forced to sit through "all hands" meetings quarterly and listen
to the all-high muckity muck yammer on for 90 minutes about visions and goals and mission statements.

The phrase "Leveraging core competencies" is used at least once in every one of these meetings. I like to try to guess how far in the first mention of it is made. Keeps me from pulling my own head off.

the worst of all is when he is finally finished and asks if anyone has any questions.

Theres always some stupid kiss-ass that wants to be seen asking a "truely excellent question" that drags the thing out for another eon
asking something that could easily be done on his own.

__

My mighty steed