MF42

If I were a muppet, I'd be that crazy guy with the boomerang fish act. He was great.

In 7th grade band class, the band director was out sick, so we had a substitute teacher. Subs can't teach music usually, so we just had a free hour to sit around and goof off. One guy had brought some kind of illegal contraband to school; I don't remember now exactly what it was. Probably improvised fireworks or porn. Not important to the story. The important part: several of us were crammed into this tiny closet-sized "practice room" looking at the contraband. A practice room is a small, well insulated room just large enough for one person to practice their instrument. It's sealed fairly well for soundproofing, and there's no ventilation. (You can see where this is going.) We were huddled around the contraband whatever, hushed and whispering, when somebody toward the back of the room ripped out a freakishly loud and long fart. It sounded wet. There was a confused rolling dogpile of laughing 14-year-olds tumbling out of the room, and the door was slammed shut. No more than two seconds elapsed from the fart to the slam, so the fart cloud was till trapped inside the practice room. It expanded to fill the room, and lingered. And lingered... The next day, the director was still gone, and the same sub was trying to maintain more order this time around. Nobody was willing to open the practice room. At the end of the hour, the sub took roll call and realized she was a couple of names short. Hooligans. The sub began a search of the band room's various potential hiding spots, just checking for trouble of any sort. She approached the practice room door. I held my breath in anticipation... She opened the door, peered inside for a second, took a step back, and turned around with her face wrinkled up exactly like a prim and proper lady with a noseful of teenage boy fart. "What...what happened in there?" We laughed and laughed. It was such a perfect moment; the perfect punchline to a full day's anticipation. The sub didn't think it was funny. Matt

Having to feel and/or hear somebody else's joint popping back into place is almost worse than when it's your own joint. At least whenever I've put my knee back in, it's been more of a relief than painful. Glad you could help the pup. Matt

I always keep books, so they're steadily stacking up on shelves, in boxes, and various corners. Everything else is temporary. Matt

I like it! Perfect way to exercise my Grinchish tendencies. Matt

I thought of this wrench design two weeks before they appeared on the market. I think I deserve some credit and some cash. Matt

It may not be realistic to expect the adult dogs to befriend an obnoxious little territory-invading puppy in only three weeks' time. If all three dogs are well trained and obedient, then simply watching them together and verbally scolding any anti-social behavior is the best idea. Make sure they all have separate food dishes, preferably out of sight of each other. Be ready to separate them if you have to leave them unsupervised. Matt

I wonder how fast a partially eaten turkey falls? Matt

Even better: pacman Matt

A public service for everybody trapped at work with nothing to do: classic video games Matt

I've been here only two hours, and I've used up a week's worth of boredom. At least when some of the bosses are here, I have to pretend to be busy, and that accidentally makes the day go faster. I changed a light bulb. I guess that means the day isn't completely wasted. Matt

Yeah. What he said; me too. Matt

I'm at work. So far the only task required of me was to write down a part number. I think I did a pretty damn good job of it, too. Matt

Who doesn't love collecting useless skills? I can "snap" a penny ridiculously hard. Actually stuck one in a piece of sheetrock once. In college, took an "introduction to engineering" course, but only learned how to program in fortran. At one time, could play trombone fairly well. Everything from orchestras to small jazz combos to a string quartet. (Yes, you read that correctly. I played trombone in a string quartet.) I'm pretty good with a throwing knife. Know how to properly sharpen a knife. I'm always surprised at how many otherwise handy guys don't know how to do this. Can juggle five balls for 10-15 seconds. Can juggle six balls for about 5 seconds. Can do very cool crystal ball "contact juggling" tricks. Can wiggle my nose, and both ears, independently of each other. Was the neighborhood champion at Duck Hunt on the original Nintendo. Rolled the score. Professionally, have diagnosed problems on all manner of aircraft, ranging from a J-3 Cub to an Embraer Legacy. Matt

Losing my mind. There's a family history of insanity, and both my brothers have mental handicaps. Matt

no yes no Matt

"Get me a martini." "Shaken, not stirred?" "Do I look like I give a damn?" Matt

I can't keep a secret, and didn't even try to hide the enthusiasm when I started.

I have never had a flu shot, and honestly can't remember when I last had the flu; it's been at least...8 years. Obviously, my immune system ain't broke, so there's no sense in trying to fix it.

Saurkraut. Matt

Good! I can still feel them. Matt

Owls. They're just cool. Matt

Lots of fire, lots of explosions, and I've never yet had a serious burn. My hearing is bad and getting worse, though. Bicycles...never got into any of the cool tricks really; I was just a simple speed freak. Loved passing cars on one good downhill stretch on the highway. No helmet, of course. Who had helmets? Blades...throwing knives, throwing stars, machetes, tomahawks, axes, swords, butterfly knives, etc. Only one notable scar from all those. Matt

One of the best that I personally witnessed: I was working at a gas station. At shift change, the routine was the night shift woman took a twenty-foot dipstick out into the parking lot, opened up the storage tank service caps, and measured the remaining gasoline. I was cleaning up inside, looked out the window, couldn't believe what I was seeing, grabbed the microphone, and calmly said, "Hey Joyce, I think you probably shouldn't smoke while you do that." She was bending over a pipe that led straight down into thousands of gallons of fuel, and who knows how many cubic feet of fuel vapor, with a cigarette dangling from her lip! Matt

I understand why it's there. A surprising number of people never figure out how to separate the signature on their own. Matt