Stupidest Tandem?

[elfanie 0]

With the stupid student thread (which cracked me up more than once! ) it got me to thinking...

To all of you Tandem Master....what are your stupid tandem stories? Ever had someone throw up on you? Pass out? Freak out and grab handles nobody should be grabbing?

What are some of your stupid tandem stories?

My only tandem claim to fame is that I had a reserve ride as a tandem. It was my third tandem, done for fun as I was going through ASP...I pulled, we got vertical, and my TM said, "SHIT! First position!" I yelled behind me, "HuH??" He said, "look at the canopy.." I looked up and saw a nice line over (or was it a tension knot? we're not really sure, and me not even having had any training didnt' know the difference...just knew the canopy was half collapsed). He said again, "PROBLEM..FIRST POSITION!" I had not a clue what "first position" meant, but the only thing I'd been taught thus far as to arch, so I arched like you've never seen before! Floomp...we were back in freefall, and I watched the reserve chute come off his back and inflate.
I got a lot of "good job"s once on the ground...so at least I wasn't a "stupid tandem trick".

So what are some funny/scary/duh things that you've had happen as a TM?

--------------------------------------------
Elfanie
My Skydiving Page
Fly Safe - Soft Landings

[jeremyneas 0]

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Ever had someone throw up on you?

Of course

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Pass out?

Definately

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Freak out and grab handles nobody should be grabbing?

No way.

The worst students in my opinion are late 20's male, on their second tandem jump, that came with friends. They know everything there is to know, and usually fetal out the door!

[elfanie 0]

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Ever had someone throw up on you?

Of course

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Pass out?

Definately

Ok...first off...EEWWWWWW

But now...story?

--------------------------------------------
Elfanie
My Skydiving Page
Fly Safe - Soft Landings

[Phillbo 11]

My girlfriend cried all the way up and forgot to take out the Diamond earings I had bought her for christmas last year.. Yeap , she lost one

She had a blast on the second tandem tho ... and I got her a vacuum for christmas this year, lets see her lose that

[jeremyneas 0]

When you first get your TM rating, you yippy and yaw all over the place, and usually aren't thinking of the customer, and have little experience dealing with motion sickness. Namely becuase you never get sick, so how could someone else? (weather, altitude, summer, thermals play their part)

As you get older and wiser, you don't want the yackity yack attack, so you find your nitch. I only got puked on the very first weekend...3 TIMES! After that I found out what works.

1. Before any turns start tell the student that "If you feel sick, quesy, wanna puke all over, do two things for me, one look at the horizon, and two, let me know whats going on here."

2. Carry an easy accessible plastic bag for the weak of stomache.

3. If there is no bag, make sure the student pukes between their legs "because the stomache acid could burn through the lift web" (for those that think i'm serious, I'M NOT, but if they puke on either side they will get it all over the TM!!!)

[jeremyneas 0]

As for passing out, I had an older gentleman pass out on me, I didn't realize he was limp till we were swoopin in, so i took one for the team and turn it sideways so we both took the fall.

At first I though he was dead, kinda freaked me getting off the harness. Then he came too. Good relief he wasn't a heart attack victim.

[Hooknswoop 19]

I used to work at a DZ where the tandems were given an altimeter and pulled on their first jump. Well, as sometimes happened, this student didn't pull. She is a Medical Doctor, btw. After the canopy was open and I began to clean shop, she starts patting my leg, where the handle would normally be. I asked her, "What are you doing?" She said, "Looking for the handle." "I already pulled it", I replied. (Did I mention we had a good canopy at this time?)"Why?" "Because you didn't." "But you said to wave off and pull at 5,500 feet....?" "Right.........." "But my altimeter only says 4,500 feet......." "Tell you what, grab your harnes and don't let go and when I tell you, lift your legs for land, OK?" I wasn't about to let her help fly the canopy.

Derek

[DALAILAMA 0]

After freefall, I unstowed the brakes and the velcro made the sound that we all know and love. (tearing)
The student said "Dude I don't know what you just did, but don't do it again!)

"Dropzone.com, where uneducated people measuring penises, has become an art form"

[skyyhi 0]

I am not a TM (I am a student) but this cracked me up.

A girl and her boyfriend were at Elsinore getting ready to do tandems. . .she got geared up and came out to the tables and puked her guts out. The funny thing is she still went up on the plane and had a better experience than her boyfriend. Eyes wide open. . .geeking for the camera, etc. Very nice.

I asked her later how come she got sick. . .she said she was so nervous after getting ready that she got sick to her stomach and almost fainted right there.

________________________________________
Take risks not to escape life… but to prevent life from escaping. ~ A bumper sticker at the DZ
FGF #6
Darcy

[iowa 0]

The one that kept saying "I'm scared. Where are you?". I was talking to him the whole time. He said that 5 or 6 times. I was worried that he would freak when we got close to the ground (I told him several times to relax and keep his hands on his harness) and reach back for my handles. He behaved fine, just thought he had voices in his head or something.

He said he would come back for another. Haven't seen him. I was LMAO as soon as he was gone.

Keith

''Always do sober what you said you would do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.'' - Ernest Hemingway

[ryoder 1,393]

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I used to work at a DZ where the tandems were given an altimeter and pulled on their first jump. Well, as sometimes happened, this student didn't pull. She is a Medical Doctor, btw. After the canopy was open and I began to clean shop, she starts patting my leg, where the handle would normally be. I asked her, "What are you doing?" She said, "Looking for the handle." "I already pulled it", I replied. (Did I mention we had a good canopy at this time?)"Why?" "Because you didn't." "But you said to wave off and pull at 5,500 feet....?" "Right.........." "But my altimeter only says 4,500 feet......." "Tell you what, grab your harnes and don't let go and when I tell you, lift your legs for land, OK?" I wasn't about to let her help fly the canopy.

Derek

Ever think that maybe she just wanted to pat your leg?

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[Brains 2]

Not necessarily stupid but i had a pretty good laugh about it afterward. Normal tandem skydive, canopy open by 4.5k doing the normal house cleaning things and tm releases the two lower laterals. Student hears this "CACHINK" in his left ear and screams "what the hell was that" TM says "what, what?" The snap on the left shoulder (not the snap that holds them on) came undone from the pressure of releasing the lower laterals. WE figured out what it was and laughed our ass off. I was the student and my buddy that was going through the tm course with me was the tm.

Never look down on someone, unless they are going down on you.

[crutch 0]

Let's see.....there was the three times I have done tandems into a stadium, that was stupid. But seriously, the girl who at a whole bowl of strawberries on the way out to the DZ. Out of the blue (you usually know it is coming) projectile vomits staright out in front of us. I am ducking my head behind her as it comes back and hits her full in the chest. The rest of the way done she is apologizing and I am trying not to puke down her back. Of course the first question from her friends is what is all the red stuff all over your chest?

blue skies,

art

[jeremyneas 0]

When I first started filming tandems, this guy came out calling himself 'money'. Came out with a bunch of people.

Now everyone tends to have a little flappage of the face in freefall...but THIS guy flapped from the bottom of his neck through his ears. It was as if there was no muscle growth at all.

The video was so horrid looking the guy didn't want it when it was through becuase of all the razzing from his friends while editing.

It is aptly named 'ugly tandem' and is in my best of the best archives, I'll try to get it uploaded soon!

[AggieDave 6]

On a Cat A working tandem (student does handle touches, arm turns, waves and pulls @ 5.5), I had a student totally FREEZE when we exited.

No arch, infact he put his arms and legs in the exactly correct position to put us in a side spin. Guess what happened? Yup, a side spin...well, tumble at first, I couldn't fly it and get stable, so I grabbed his forearms and legs, trying to push him into a ball (fetal position), which would get us on our backs and I could easily recover from. I couldn't fucking move him. So, I leg locked him and used ALL of my strength to pull him into an arch. I couldn't fucking move him. For those who don't know me, I'm a big fucker that lifts a lot of very heavy weights in the gym for fun. To say I couldn't move him, says something.

During this time we had started side spinning, drogue side down. I was just getting out of that when we tumbled and went drogue side up, so I chunked the drogue. It worked like a champ, we were at about 6k when I tossed the drogue. Found my vidiot (so I wouldn't dump into him)...actually, he found us, he popped right infront of us. So I pulled, which was right about 4700-4500.

We were under canopy when the student says "damn, and I was reaching for the handle too..." since he knew that he was supposed to pull. I wanted to fucking un hook him and let him try to PLF...

Basically, the student did nothing he was trained to do (how hard is it to arch), even though he did well through the ground training portion (which took about 30 minutes). I now refer to this guy as "yahoo-fucktard."

On the upside, the vidiot was also my Tandem Course Director. After that, we spent a couple hours going over the stills and the video, trying to learn from it. Basically he noted that the body position the student had right as we exited is what fucked us and that I had done everything in my power to correct it AND that I did the right thing. So that made me feel a lot better. (I didn't post about it, since TMs know about this and it would do nothing for a regular non-TM jumper. That and I didn't want to deal with some of the asshat arm-chair quaterbacks I knew would come out of the woodwork for something like this...basically I see it as "you weren't there, you don't know, we're alive so fuck you").

Never mind that after that jump I smoked about a pack of cigerettes and was sort of shaking.



As for the "funny" student stuff...

Yup, had one throw up, luckily he said he was about to, so I was able to lift my legs up well past his and he puked between his legs, so it didn't even get on the gear, muchless me.

Haven't had one passout, I'm sure it'll happen eventually, even with the super comfy Sigma harnesses.

I had one that once the canopy was open, she asked (and was serious) "I'm scared, can you hold me?" I took my time and made her look at the 2 hooks she was hanging from, reassured her that she wasn't going to go anywhere and told her I really need to fly the canopy so we could land.


At this point, I look at every student like they're going to try to kill me, even though they may not know it.

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[billvon 2,416]

>Ever had someone throw up on you?

Not quite on me; I leaned her over fast enough. It was perhaps half a second after we landed. Not sure why, but a lot of people seem to be able to hold it until they land, then they let loose.

>Pass out?

Yep.

>Freak out and grab handles nobody should be grabbing?

Freak out, but just grab my arm. Since it was my left arm and the drouge was out (and she wasn't very strong) I let her hang on until pull time.

Had one woman who I'm 90% sure had an orgasm after opening.

Had one guy who didn't believe we had cut away. After landing he kept asking people "is my TM shitting me? Did our parachute really not open?"

[AggieDave 6]

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Had one woman who I'm 90% sure had an orgasm after opening.

Shit, forgot about that one, I was so wrapped up in posting the "scary" tandem...

Yup, thats happened to me too. It sounds like it, then when we got down she had the correct flushing around her face and chest (lower cut top) that I'm about 90% sure as well.

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[NZL60 0]

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Had one woman who I'm 90% sure had an orgasm after opening.

woo.. now there's a poll topic if ever I saw one

Who said Kiwis can't fly?

[elfanie 0]

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Had one woman who I'm 90% sure had an orgasm after opening.

Yup, thats happened to me too. It sounds like it, then when we got down she had the correct flushing around her face and chest (lower cut top) that I'm about 90% sure as well.

Dang...
sounds like I jumped with the wrong TM's!!

--------------------------------------------
Elfanie
My Skydiving Page
Fly Safe - Soft Landings

[Miami 0]

One of the first tandems I did in Colorado was with a fairly small female. After opening and stowing everything we did a couple practice landings, then did a spiral. As soon as we finished the spiral she screamed "Oh my god, I just creamed my panties!" (I remember those words very well ). We did a bunch of turns and she apparently had an orgasm on each one...once she was unhooked she immediately turned to me and said something to the likes of "I've never had someone make me cum eight times without touching me". She even called back to the dz after leaving to have them charge a nice tip for me to her credit card.

Miami

[mailin 0]

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Dang...
sounds like I jumped with the wrong TM's!!

I'm thinking the same thing! Wonder if its something that can be taught to all TM's? I'm sure I could get lots of my friends to go then!

Jennifer

*just think of the advertising slogans...*

Arianna Frances

[mfrese 0]

I've had two pukers (missed me completely), two likely airgasms (one just this weekend, who couldn't stop giggling after she landed), and very few really stupid ones. Two stories, though:

John and his boyfriend Carlos came out to do tandems. I'm taking Carlos, who in addition to being slim, rather effeminate, and nervous, also speaks little English. All through training, gear-up, and the plane ride, Carlos is getting more and more nervous. We exit, Carlos screaming like the proverbial little girl. Freefall isn't too bad, but then we open the main...Carlos reaches back and firmly grasps the back of my legs just under my ass cheeks, and won't let go. I'm assuming he has spent a fair amount of time in this position before , but I'm frankly not diggin' it, and ask him to let go. All I get back is a whimpering "I'm scared, nuh-uh" every time I ask...by then, I'm laughing like hell anyway. I manage to get his legs up before we land (and get his hands off my ass at the same time), and I came in for a perfect standup and disconnected him REALLY fast...

Next is Jennifer...her friend and boyfriend come up to me asking if I'll talk to her because she's really nervous. I introduce myself, and she promptly breaks down into sobs. I spend about 20 minutes getting her calmed down, she's starting to feel better, when the boyfriend comes up and starts telling her she's OK, it's gonna be great, come on baby, you're gonna have fun, etc. He continues this for the NEXT 20 minutes, completely missing the fact that she is now shooting him the "you'll never touch my body again, jackass" look every 5 seconds. We get on the plane, she's starting to get nervous again, jackass boyfriend is reminding her she's his best friend, it's gonna be great, just relax and enjoy it baby, etc. Just about to exit, and by now I'm sick of hearing jackass boyfriend, so I said "You know what...fuck him. I'M your best friend for about the next 10 minutes." She smiles, looks at me, and goes "You're right...FUCK HIM!" We went straight to the door and exited, she did great, jackass boyfriend kinda forgot about the whole thing by the time we landed...thank God. She was one of my favorites!

Doctor I ain't gonna die,
Just write me an alibi! ---- Lemmy/Slash

[iowa 0]

Carlos is a funny story. LMAO

I had one that the ground crew said was plenty nervous. I thought it was a put on because she was so brash, kinda cocky for a girl.

She sucked her thumb the whole ride to altitude. No shit. I talked to her and tried to calm her. Didn't help. She performed flawlessly anyway.

Keith

''Always do sober what you said you would do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.'' - Ernest Hemingway

[skylord 1]

Some of you need to get together and write a book. This stuff is great reading!

Bob

Bob Marks

"-when you leave the airplane its all wrong til it goes right, its a whole different mindset, this is why you have system redundancy." Mattaman

[Unstable 8]

Any of you TM's Ever had someone take a Whizz on them??? That would be funny.....

=========Shaun ==========