billvon 2,400 #1 December 4, 2001 Is your son a freeflyer?As an enlightened, modern parent, I take great pains to ensure my children grow up in a supportive, healthy environment. We spend time together, play sports together, and are always there for each other. We encourage our children to develop their talents, whatever they may be. One of my daughters has always wanted to play guitar, and we paid for lessons for her for years. Our son Mike likes hiking, and we spend a few weekends every year on a hike with him. We even let our son Tony take skydiving lessons, and he became a skilled skydiver.For a year or so, all was well. Cathy continued her guitar lessons, and became quite skilled at it. Mike spent a week hiking in Tibet and returned with some amazing pictures. Tony kept jumping and became a safe, competent skydiver, and we have several pictures of him in the sky on our living room wall. I was content with things the way they were until Cathy came running into the room yelling "Dad! Tony's a freeflyer!"As you can imagine, I was shocked. A freeflyer in our own house! I immediately went into my son's bedroom and began searching it. After a short search I was dismayed to find all the paraphenalia of freeflyers - a floppy jumpsuit, a camera helmet with a single digital camera on it, a rig with a rubber bandy thing between the legstraps, even nail polish and hair coloring! I confronted him and he admitted to it. We've sent him to counseling, and supported him in his fight to remain on his belly and away from the deviant behaviors of the freeflyers.After going through this ordeal with my own family, I kept wondering how I could best help others in similar situations. I'd gained a lot of knowledge concerning freeflyers. It's only right that I provide that information to other parents, in the hope that they will be able to tell if their children are being drawn into the world of freeflying. Perhaps other parents will be able to steer their sons back onto the straight and narrow before extreme measures need to be employed. Here are some signs that your son may be a freeflyer:1. Has your son started to dress like a surfer or a clown? Floppy pants, contrasting colors, big hats and patches are all warning signs that he is beginning the slide down the slope towards intentional instability.2. Have you noticed nail polish on your son's fingernails or toenails? Don't be put off by the common "Oh, it's just something we did on a rainy day" excuse - freeflyers are well known for their secretive identifying marks.3. Does his hair seem to be changing colors? Check an old family album to make sure that his hair has always been purple. If not, you'd best keep a careful eye on who he's hanging out with at the DZ.4. Do some of the logos on his clothing seem to be upside down? Freeflyers often fly upside down, and like to reverse the logos on their clothing and equipment so they seem right side up in freefall. Beware of words/phrases that make sense right side up as upside down, like the Gravity Gear logo or "WOW".5. Do all his friends seem to have video cameras? Freeflyers are well known for their desire to be on camera, and having six digital camcorders suddenly appear during a get-together is a sure sign that your son is thinking about flying on his head.6. Does he have a sudden desire to videotape everything? This may be an extension of his freeflying habit of recording every jump and then watching them all compulsively.7. Is he buying perverse videotapes with images of smoking clowns, BASE jumps and nearly naked women? These sorts of tapes are well known in freeflying circles.I encourage all parents to read through this guide carefully. Your child's future may depend upon it. Freeflying is an unnatural and perverse activity that may lead your child to premature deployments, bad fashion choices, or worse. It can cause him to be ostracized by normal jumpers everywhere, and may tear your family apart. It cannot be taken too seriously.-bill von Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freeflir29 0 #2 December 4, 2001 "Freeflying is an unnatural and perverse activity"I do love it so.......Nice one Bill...."and I'm not easily impressed...Ooohh look...a blue car!" -Homer Simpson Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SkymonkeyONE 3 #3 December 4, 2001 Outstanding satire, Bill. My webpage HERE Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SpeedRacer 1 #4 December 4, 2001 BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! This is GREAT! Seriously, Sangiro should publish this in the Pub!!I would also say to publish it in The Slammer, but they don't seem to be publishing anymore. Speed RacerWhat contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork from my lunch?!-WC Fields Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
PhreeZone 15 #5 December 4, 2001 Bill.... EXCELLENT!!!!! I'm not sure what to put here right now..... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
airann 1 #6 December 4, 2001 Ahhhh, very nice. Outstanding post. Nobody panic, just remain calm and on your belly.AirAnn of http://www.AirAnn.comMultimedia Page: secret link- upper left hand corner Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SkydiveMonkey 0 #7 December 4, 2001 How do I fall? PHUKINFAST !!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Jon 0 #8 December 4, 2001 Wait... That describes me! Is there a cure? Can I get grippers or booties put on my jumpsuit? Is their a support group? ...anything! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Divadiver 0 #9 December 5, 2001 Right up until you got to #5, you described my normal every day attire!Diva Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Sebazz1 2 #10 November 20, 2003 I wonder how the kid made out... Kids have it so hard these days. So sad Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites CanuckInUSA 0 #11 November 20, 2003 QuoteFreeflying is an unnatural and perverse activity that may lead your child to premature deployments, bad fashion choices, or worse. It can cause him to be ostracized by normal jumpers everywhere, and may tear your family apart. It cannot be taken too seriously. Freeflying rocks!!! Try not to worry about the things you have no control over Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites riddler 0 #12 November 20, 2003 QuoteI wonder how the kid made out... I'm sure he'll outgrow it. Probably just a phase.Trapped on the surface of a sphere. XKCD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites hookitt 0 #13 November 20, 2003 Bill is in desperate need of some freefly coaching. This is a cry for help in a grand fashion. Well doneMy grammar sometimes resembles that of magnetic refrigerator poetry... Ghetto Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Slappie 9 #14 November 20, 2003 This thread is also almost 3 years old.. Dec 01 was when it was originaly posted.. ahh back in the old days [drifting off] "Find out just what any people will quietly submit to and you have found out the exact measure of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites ifics 0 #15 November 20, 2003 LMFAO!! Outstanding post, had me laughing out loud!! I am glad my parents don't know the difference Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites freeflygoddess 0 #16 November 20, 2003 You had me pretty mad at first, but then I realized you were just talking about the male population... So it is ok for girls because we can handle it... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites hookitt 0 #17 November 20, 2003 QuoteThis thread is also almost 3 years old.. Dec 01 was when it was originaly posted.. heheh.. well then, Seb was really searching deep for something. I suppose that bill may have improved since then My grammar sometimes resembles that of magnetic refrigerator poetry... Ghetto Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Fast 0 #18 November 20, 2003 Wow, oldie post that certianly had me cracking up. Have to love the way that the humor presents itself in there.~D Where troubles melt like lemon drops Away above the chimney tops That's where you'll find me. Swooping is taking one last poke at the bear before escaping it's cave - davelepka Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites CanuckInUSA 0 #19 November 20, 2003 QuoteYou had me pretty mad at first, but then I realized you were just talking about the male population... So it is ok for girls because we can handle it... It's kind of interesting. Belly fliers tend to not like freefliers and freefliers just ignore the belly fliers. Kind of like the ole' snowboard versus skier thing (and I'm a skier, but also a freeflier). Try not to worry about the things you have no control over Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites gemini 0 #20 November 20, 2003 QuoteIt's kind of interesting. Belly fliers tend to not like freefliers and freefliers just ignore the belly fliers. Kind of like the ole' snowboard versus skier thing (and I'm a skier). Crap! That explains why Trent and I never get along. I ski he snowboards. I do RW he freeflys. What's next??? Blue skies, Jim Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites ypelchat 0 #21 November 20, 2003 Quote I was shocked. A freeflyer in our own house! Yves. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites freeflygoddess 0 #22 November 20, 2003 Quote Belly fliers tend to not like freefliers and freefliers just ignore the belly fliers. That is not true I listen to the belly fliers after I ask if they want to form something we can hang and sting from! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Kramer 0 #23 November 20, 2003 bill...hilarious. Still laughing... -Kramer The FAKE KRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMER!!!!!!!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites PhreeZone 15 #24 November 20, 2003 >What's next??? He'll come home with a Birdman suit and have to deal with someone that constantly wants to "flock" Yesterday is history And tomorrow is a mystery Parachutemanuals.com Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Sebazz1 2 #25 November 20, 2003 All generalizations are wrong. They usually do this they act like that etc. It's not true. Warren Miller started calling any form of going down a hill covered with snow "snow riding" (or something to that effect) Skydiving... It's all good. I thought the original post was excellently written and sacarstic as all get out I want to ask Bill if I could print it up and put it on a wall at the DZ for amusement... Good stuff. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Prev 1 2 Next Page 1 of 2 Join the conversation You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account. Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible. 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Jon 0 #8 December 4, 2001 Wait... That describes me! Is there a cure? Can I get grippers or booties put on my jumpsuit? Is their a support group? ...anything! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Divadiver 0 #9 December 5, 2001 Right up until you got to #5, you described my normal every day attire!Diva Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sebazz1 2 #10 November 20, 2003 I wonder how the kid made out... Kids have it so hard these days. So sad Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CanuckInUSA 0 #11 November 20, 2003 QuoteFreeflying is an unnatural and perverse activity that may lead your child to premature deployments, bad fashion choices, or worse. It can cause him to be ostracized by normal jumpers everywhere, and may tear your family apart. It cannot be taken too seriously. Freeflying rocks!!! Try not to worry about the things you have no control over Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
riddler 0 #12 November 20, 2003 QuoteI wonder how the kid made out... I'm sure he'll outgrow it. Probably just a phase.Trapped on the surface of a sphere. XKCD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hookitt 0 #13 November 20, 2003 Bill is in desperate need of some freefly coaching. This is a cry for help in a grand fashion. Well doneMy grammar sometimes resembles that of magnetic refrigerator poetry... Ghetto Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Slappie 9 #14 November 20, 2003 This thread is also almost 3 years old.. Dec 01 was when it was originaly posted.. ahh back in the old days [drifting off] "Find out just what any people will quietly submit to and you have found out the exact measure of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ifics 0 #15 November 20, 2003 LMFAO!! Outstanding post, had me laughing out loud!! I am glad my parents don't know the difference Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freeflygoddess 0 #16 November 20, 2003 You had me pretty mad at first, but then I realized you were just talking about the male population... So it is ok for girls because we can handle it... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hookitt 0 #17 November 20, 2003 QuoteThis thread is also almost 3 years old.. Dec 01 was when it was originaly posted.. heheh.. well then, Seb was really searching deep for something. I suppose that bill may have improved since then My grammar sometimes resembles that of magnetic refrigerator poetry... Ghetto Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Fast 0 #18 November 20, 2003 Wow, oldie post that certianly had me cracking up. Have to love the way that the humor presents itself in there.~D Where troubles melt like lemon drops Away above the chimney tops That's where you'll find me. Swooping is taking one last poke at the bear before escaping it's cave - davelepka Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CanuckInUSA 0 #19 November 20, 2003 QuoteYou had me pretty mad at first, but then I realized you were just talking about the male population... So it is ok for girls because we can handle it... It's kind of interesting. Belly fliers tend to not like freefliers and freefliers just ignore the belly fliers. Kind of like the ole' snowboard versus skier thing (and I'm a skier, but also a freeflier). Try not to worry about the things you have no control over Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
gemini 0 #20 November 20, 2003 QuoteIt's kind of interesting. Belly fliers tend to not like freefliers and freefliers just ignore the belly fliers. Kind of like the ole' snowboard versus skier thing (and I'm a skier). Crap! That explains why Trent and I never get along. I ski he snowboards. I do RW he freeflys. What's next??? Blue skies, Jim Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ypelchat 0 #21 November 20, 2003 Quote I was shocked. A freeflyer in our own house! Yves. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freeflygoddess 0 #22 November 20, 2003 Quote Belly fliers tend to not like freefliers and freefliers just ignore the belly fliers. That is not true I listen to the belly fliers after I ask if they want to form something we can hang and sting from! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kramer 0 #23 November 20, 2003 bill...hilarious. Still laughing... -Kramer The FAKE KRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMER!!!!!!!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
PhreeZone 15 #24 November 20, 2003 >What's next??? He'll come home with a Birdman suit and have to deal with someone that constantly wants to "flock" Yesterday is history And tomorrow is a mystery Parachutemanuals.com Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sebazz1 2 #25 November 20, 2003 All generalizations are wrong. They usually do this they act like that etc. It's not true. Warren Miller started calling any form of going down a hill covered with snow "snow riding" (or something to that effect) Skydiving... It's all good. I thought the original post was excellently written and sacarstic as all get out I want to ask Bill if I could print it up and put it on a wall at the DZ for amusement... Good stuff. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
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