Teenage Daughter

[nigel99 144]

Our teenage daughter is rapidly destroying my wife and my will to live!

She's 13 and recently has developed a major "power" complex where she figures that the world owes her and she is in control. It started off with us letting her have a facebook/msn account and her then refusing access to her password/account. This was closely followed by her setting herself up as admin on the home machine and everyone else as restricted user! Fortunately I am pretty computer literate and being a home machine there was nothing that a format couldn't fix

Next we had problems with her on her mobile (she's had it for about 2 years for "safety" and historically has been pretty responsible. About 3 months ago she asked to use her pocket money to have "unlimited" texts. No problem and fair use policy allowed up-to 3000 texts a month which I did not think a human could exceed! She managed 7000 texts in a month - resulting in a bill of £400! She's lost phone rights and is on a PAYG now but it means we now need to passcode our phones to prevent her "stealing" texts etc.

How the hell do people survive this? Any punishments we deal seem to just be like water off a ducks back...

Experienced jumper - someone who has made mistakes more often than I have and lived.

[usedtajump 1]

Doesn't sound unusual at all for any well balanced, healthy 13 year old, its what they do. Oh yeah, and just when you finally get a handle on this outrage, she'll come up with another as or even more shocking .

Just remember, patience is a virtue................ especially when you have no other choice.

The older I get the less I care who I piss off.

[mutumbo 0]

i avg 10,000 texts a month and usually spend about 3000 mins talking on it, yeah it never leaves my side (cept when im jumping then the old crappy backup comes with me).

trust me man if thats all your daughter is doing you got it easy, when i think back on some of the shit that i pulled as a teenager, to this day im shocked im still breathing.

Thanatos340(on landing rounds)--
Landing procedure: Hand all the way up, Feet and Knees Together and PLF soon as you get bitch slapped by a planet.

[jimmytavino 16]

welcome to the modern Tech. world...

all this at 13????

hate to break it you ... but "you Aint seen Nuthin' Yet!!!

i sure hope most of those texts, are to GIRLfriends.....wait til the BOYS start zeroing in on her..

Good Luck.... really...

jmy

[skymama 35]

The teenage years with my daughter were pure hell, she even admits now that she was really bad (she's 21 now). First, always remain calm in front of her. She wants to rattle your cage and if there's any hint that it's working, she will continue and it's only going to get worse. Dig your nails into your hands if you need to and walk away to your room and scream into the pillow, but don't let her see you crack!

Next, tell her that now that she's a young lady, you're going to have a family meeting (you, her and your wife, no other kids) to discuss what your expectations are for her behavior. Start by telling her that computer use, phones, hanging out with friends, etc. are a privledge, not a right. You are only required to provide room and board until she's 18, everything else is earned.

Now, make up a contract with her. Make a list of all the things you expect from her such as cleaning her room, no back-talk, doing homework, what her grades need to be, what time her bedtime is, hours she's allowed on the computer, etc. List everything you can think of that is a battleground for you. Remember to do this calmly with her and listen to her feedback. As you are going over the items, let her know that if she doesn't following the rules, then the consquences will be the following, and then list those. Make the punishment fit the crime and don't do any punishment that is going to be unreasonable for you because you'll never adhere to it and then she'll see the crack again. Talk about these things not as punishments but consequences, just as we all have consequences in our adult world. The whole exercise is to help her grow up into a rational person and to see how actions and consequences relate to each other.

Finally, all parties involved sign the contract and everyone gets a copy. If she breaks one of the rules, you calmly remind her what the consequence is. Also explain to her that as she goes through periods of time that she's proven herself to be maturing at a level you like, that some of the rules can be changed like more time on the computer, another night allowed out, an hour later she can stay up, etc.

This really worked for me because it takes the emotional responses between a parent and child out of the equation and makes her responsible for her actions. You don't even have to get upset when she breaks one of the rules. She's not going to like it and she's not going to like that you won't play into her emotional games, but hang in there and be a little tough, and it will all work out. My daughter thanks me now and even tells me that if it wasn't for me, she probably wouldn't have graduated High School. Now, she's working and in her second year of college and getting A's and B's.

She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

[freakflyer9999 1]

I've lived through 2 teenagers and I am in the midst of a 3rd. They have all presented unique challenges.

The youngest is 16 and has been banned from the computer (other than supervised homework) for about 3 years since I found her using the search term "naked" with a list of young teen idols. She will continue to be banned until she is at least 18, living on her own and able to purchase her own computer and internet service.

She is also currently banned from all phones and was recently banned for over a month from all electical devices.

This one doesn't seem to understand that my professional life involves being a Computer Security Analyst and that there isn't anything she can do, that I can't see.

Let your daughter know in no uncertain terms that you are in control and that what she may believe are rights are mere privileges that can be removed either temporarily or even permanently.

BTW, if you do allow her to use the computer, keystroke loggers (physical or software) will provide any information that you want to know about her activities. I also monitor router/firewall logs at home for unusual activity. I started this due to some hacker/malware issues on a computer in the house, but it is how I discovered the "naked" search.

I know some folks might think that this would be an invasion of privacy, but in today's world 13 year olds are being enticed by sexual predators on the internet all the time. In my opinion it is part of protecting our children from the things that they are too young to understand.

[jimmytavino 16]

excellent......

wow.. you're not just skymama


you ARE SkyMOTHER

nice work
good advice..

jimmy

[Andy9o8 0]

Quote

hate to break it you ... but "you Aint seen Nuthin' Yet!!!

Agreed. We raised 2 daughters of our own. Some great advice in this thread.

Nigel, the surface is just getting scratched. There's still cutting classes, becoming sexually active, driving, alcohol and drugs lurking out there.

For some perspective, I suggest you review this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XypVcv77WBU

Oh - and THIS, too.

[horny955 0]

You wait till she's 15!! boyfriend in tow with just as bad attitude and theres sod all you can apart from teach the dog to growl at him when he comes in the door : )
As far as the £400 bill goes a work mate got a dear dad phone call from his daughter whose bill was over £750 for a quarter!! he bailed her out on the the understanding she did not repeat the issue.The following bill was £300 plus which the daughter thought reasonable as she had at least cut back!!! Hence the phone was duly dropped and repeatedly jumped on by said Father.,

[Thanatos340 1]

My sympathies. Honestly.. It will get worse before it gets better.

My daughter did the exact same thing at about that age. She ran up about a total $600 in text charges one month. Grounded for 3 months for that and she had to pay off the bill. Eventually 9After she met requirements) we got her an Unlimited texting plan. First month with the unlimited plan she racked up 25,000 texts.

My vote was to stuff her in a Barrel until she turned 18. Her Mom vetoed that idea for some stupid reason. About 14 was when the MOUTH started. Backtalk and disrespect was the norm for a while. For us the key was treating her with some respect and eventually she reacted in kind. Hard to realize the Little girl is not a Little girl anymore in her mind. Part of all this is her trying to tell you that.

Good luck and eventually it does get better.

[Andy9o8 0]

I keep thinking of more things. If it makes you feel any better, some day, she's going to be choosing your nursing home.

[horny955 0]

Quote

I keep thinking of more things. If it makes you feel any better, some day, she's going to be choosing your nursing home.

Thats what worries me!!

[nigel99 144]

thanks for all the replies - some good advice all round (especially the barrell)

Freakflyer we have a keylogger on the shopping list, as we don't want to ban her from the PC but she does have limits in place and besides discipline there is safety to consider.

I also remember the screwed up emotions of teenage years - I remember getting really pissed with my parents for accussing me of being drunk - everyone knows you shouldn't mix drink and drugs

Experienced jumper - someone who has made mistakes more often than I have and lived.

[xtravrtsoul 0]

I am in the middle of the teen angst with my son. And what I see with the girls....oh my let me tell you I wish you all the luck in the world. Just give her the restrictions/rules of what is expected of her and stick with them, give her the love (with lots of)hugs everyday even though you want to strangle her and we tend to forget to do that everyday when they are (these aliens) teens, and stay on top of them at all times I don't care if they say "you should trust me I am not going to to anything and I gave you no reason to not trust me" (a quote out of my sons girlfriends mouth) I took her straight home after that because I knew what wool she was trying to pull over her mom's eyes. If you let off just a bit because you think you can trust them, think again they will take that inch and run 100 miles. My son can make me see red and black out with anger oh and I can't forget the anxiety attacks that I went on meds for that started last year. (they are better now) I kept asking my husband and a few friends if I could quit my job as a mom for awhile while he was this alien. I wanted to ship him somewhere or just leave the country myself. It is rough and it is hard the levels and stages these teens go into and to watch and fully know yourself exactly what they are think and up to because let me tell you I was no angel as a teen that is for sure, you have to stand your ground and do not waver.
They will test every inch of your emotinal spirit and do not let them see you break down because they know they have won.
The two of you (your wife and you) stick together, cry on each others shoulders and give each other all the love and hugs you can because if the two of you are strong and have that emotional bond through all of this your daughter will know that she cannot crack either one of you.

And you know if you need to just unload about your gates of wrath. Do it because any one of us who have teens or had teens knows what you are going through. And have your wife blog or something because she can get support or for her to find a mother of teen forum because talking about this to others who understand is soooo helpful.

You create life, life does not create you.

[JohnMitchell 14]

Have the texting option removed from her phone. If she needs to communicate, she can call, as primitive as that may sound. We still don't have texting on our phones, much to the dismay of our 4 children.

I'm lucky, seriously, to have Vskydiver raising our kids. She may look like just a little thing, but she really knows how to set boundaries and expectations for our kids. We've had some rough moments, sure, especially with the oldest two, but it's been a lot better than I expected,

Skymama, you're an inspiration too. >>

[skinnay 0]

My girlfriend made me read this book http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Female_Brain_%28book%29 and its actually pretty good. Talks a lot about teenage years also.

[Gawain 0]

Quote

Our teenage daughter is rapidly destroying my wife and my will to live!

She's 13 and recently has developed a major "power" complex where she figures that the world owes her and she is in control. It started off with us letting her have a facebook/msn account and her then refusing access to her password/account. This was closely followed by her setting herself up as admin on the home machine and everyone else as restricted user! Fortunately I am pretty computer literate and being a home machine there was nothing that a format couldn't fix

Next we had problems with her on her mobile (she's had it for about 2 years for "safety" and historically has been pretty responsible. About 3 months ago she asked to use her pocket money to have "unlimited" texts. No problem and fair use policy allowed up-to 3000 texts a month which I did not think a human could exceed! She managed 7000 texts in a month - resulting in a bill of £400! She's lost phone rights and is on a PAYG now but it means we now need to passcode our phones to prevent her "stealing" texts etc.

How the hell do people survive this? Any punishments we deal seem to just be like water off a ducks back...

Sounds like a 13 year old to me.

Here in the US, there is a program called besecure. I don't know if it's available across the pond or not, but certainly there is a counterpart to this program over there.

The punishments you're dealing are water off a duck's back because they aren't punishments. She still has a cell phone, and she still has access to facebook/msn, let alone a computer. You've inflicted mere inconveniences on her.

You want to make a point? Block facebook from your router or computer. Restrict computer use for homework only for the rest of the year. Yes, the whole year. Anything other than homework, pull the plug.

The cell phone. If it weren't important to have the ability to be able to call in case of trouble, I'd say lose that too, but pay-go on her dime (pocket money) will force the necessary responsibility on her.

If she keeps her grades up, after a year, offer restricted access to facebook or msn, but not both.

She puts on a tantrum, good. Ground her. Put her in her room. She tries to storm out of the house, block the exit. She doesn't want to come down for dinner? Fine. She doesn't eat. She'll be hungry come breakfast, cook up some eggs and bacon and she'll be at the table ready for a breakfast with the family. If she's sulking, throw her the social section of the newspaper to read instead.

She'll bitch and moan for about a week. Within three, she'll find the groove of who is wearing the pants in the family. When mom or dad go out shopping, bring her along. The privilege of hanging out with friends to go to an arcade or see a movie after about a month will outweigh any IM or social network.

It's total control, without banishment. It's showing, and forcing her to act "as if", what is of real value.

It is akin to when we were kids and weren't allowed to watch TV as a punishment for something, it became a treat to be able to watch the news with mom or dad...when you're 10.

So I try and I scream and I beg and I sigh
Just to prove I'm alive, and it's alright
'Cause tonight there's a way I'll make light of my treacherous life
Make light!

[kittikat 0]

Interesting responses.

I don't have kids, but I do remember what it was like to be 13 fairly well. At 13 I wanted more than anything to be an adult - I didn't want to be treated like a kid and I didn't want to be stuck in that in-between position where I was still under my parents rules and decisions - I wanted to be independent. I'm pretty sure that is all that most teenagers want, but most (myself included) go about it in all the wrong ways.

Instead of showing her who is in control and putting down all kinds of harsh rules, why not just treat her like an adult? If she racks up $400 in text messaging charges thats fine - she has to pay for it. Tell her you will pay for the basic plan and she will have to pay for any additional packages and any additional charges. If she can't afford it, offer to pay her for some work around the house or help her find a part time job.

Seriously - what is the harm in Facebook? Why on earth would you block it in order to show who is in charge?? What good will that get you? She might follow your rules but she probably won't respect you... Instead, allow her access to Facebook as long as her grades are good and she is helping out around the house etc.

This isn't a powertrip - you don't need to show that you have complete control. Instead, try to reason with her and work with her. She just wants to be respected and be more independent so let her figure out a cell phone plan that will work for her and have her pay for it. Give her responsibility and boundaries and let her make some decisions. Treat her with fairness and respect, let her learn to deal with the consequences of her actions rather than protecting her from them, and she will respect you back.

My parents were opposites on this matter and to this day I have the utmost respect for my dad - he let me make my own decisions, I had to deal with the consequences, and I always knew he would help me however I needed it. It wasn't about power or control with him - it was about helping me to think for myself and eventually be responsible.

Seriously - blocking Facebook and making her glad just to get to watch the news with you will only make her resent you and try to fight back. This isn't a power struggle.

[anthonyfellows 0]

Quote

i avg 10,000 texts a month and usually spend about 3000 mins talking on it, yeah it never leaves my side (cept when im jumping then the old crappy backup comes with me).

Damn ... If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were a woman.

Serious relationships turn into work after a few weeks and I already got a fucking job :)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
H.A.F. = Hard As Fuck ... Goddamn Amateurs

[shropshire 0]

Quote

Quote

i avg 10,000 texts a month and usually spend about 3000 mins talking on it, yeah it never leaves my side (cept when im jumping then the old crappy backup comes with me).

Damn ... If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were a woman.

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[Beerlight 0]

Wow, sounds like a tough road there. But ah, thanks for reminding to get that vasectomy.

[mutumbo 0]

Quote

Quote

i avg 10,000 texts a month and usually spend about 3000 mins talking on it, yeah it never leaves my side (cept when im jumping then the old crappy backup comes with me).

Damn ... If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were a woman.

HAHAHA
what can i say, im just a popular guy

Thanatos340(on landing rounds)--
Landing procedure: Hand all the way up, Feet and Knees Together and PLF soon as you get bitch slapped by a planet.

[warpedskydiver 0]

Oh you just call your friends to tell them you are taking a dump.

[riddler 0]

I have a three-year old, and a 21-month old daughter. I figure at 10 years old, I will start a shotgun collection, and tell all future dates that Dick Cheney taught me personally how to shoot. Handling the boys will be the easy part.

I'm also working on a remote shock-collar for the girls. That's a bit harder, but I have a degree in electrical engineering, and about 10 years to perfect it. It must have at least two channels, a password lock, and WiFi, so I can shock them from anywhere on the planet that they are in range of wireless.

Some people have told me that Social Services might have a problem with that. But the shotguns may be able to pursuade them otherwise.

To prepare my girls for the inevitable that we are all going to go through, I plan to have them watch Pulp Fiction with me, and rewind several times at "the Gimp" scene. I plan to already have purchased two crates for visual effect. That's only until they're 18 - after that, they can do what they want.

And I don't plan on living long enough for them to choose my nursing home.

Trapped on the surface of a sphere. XKCD

[BillyVance 34]

Quote

I have a three-year old, and a 21-month old daughter. I figure at 10 years old, I will start a shotgun collection, and tell all future dates that Dick Cheney taught me personally how to shoot. Handling the boys will be the easy part.

I'm also working on a remote shock-collar for the girls. That's a bit harder, but I have a degree in electrical engineering, and about 10 years to perfect it. It must have at least two channels, a password lock, and WiFi, so I can shock them from anywhere on the planet that they are in range of wireless.

Some people have told me that Social Services might have a problem with that. But the shotguns may be able to pursuade them otherwise.

To prepare my girls for the inevitable that we are all going to go through, I plan to have them watch Pulp Fiction with me, and rewind several times at "the Gimp" scene. I plan to already have purchased two crates for visual effect. That's only until they're 18 - after that, they can do what they want.

And I don't plan on living long enough for them to choose my nursing home.

I am collecting "blackmail" photos of my girls as babies dressed in cute outfits that would be downright embarrassing for them as teens, hell, even humiliating. If they don't follow my rules when they start dating, I'm showing the pics to their boyfriends.

Anyway, the 3 year old (soon to be 4) is already playing the fucking annoying power trip crap. Everything has to be exactly what she wants and when she doesn't get one thing, she just wails.

We've done the time-out thing before. She hated them and shook her head when we asked her "do you want a timeout?" Nowadays it's nothing to her.

A couple nights ago she refused to eat her dinner just because she didn't like what we served. Many times she'll not want to eat because of what it looks like. We put out good nutritious dinners and she wants cheese and crackers or something. Anyway, back to that night, nothing seemed to work to get her to eat, even when we presented a choice, either eat, or go straight to bed. Gave her five minutes. Five minutes later she had not touched her food. Okay then, pulled her chair out, picked her up, set her down and said "go to bed". She became a fucking dead weight right there and bawling. I really hate the "dead weight" thing. She must have plans of being a political protester in the future.

Most times she's a great little girl, but turns into a drama queen when we have to tell her no or do something she doesn't want to do. We're still working on her, but I am NOT looking forward to the teen years.

Every time I talk to my parents about this, my dad always tells me this: "that's called grandparents sweet revenge"

ain't that the truth, especially in MY case.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban