JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[riggerrob 262]

In December I walked into work sporting a bushy white beard along with a red and white Santa Claus hat. I greeted my co-workers with a rousing "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

One of them replied "Are you calling me a ho?"

This sparked a rousing debate about what she does at her part-time job.

[Bigfalls 65]

20 minutes ago, riggerrob said:

In December I walked into work sporting a bushy white beard along with a red and white Santa Claus hat. I greeted my co-workers with a rousing "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

One of them replied "Are you calling me a ho?"

This sparked a rousing debate about what she does at her part-time job.

Then he grabbed her breast and resigned from office.

[Divalent 36]

If women are so great at multitasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?

[Divalent 36]

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.” Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

[Divalent 36]

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist's office…

"Doctor," she cries. "I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!"

The hypnotherapist shakes his head. "Not again…"

[Divalent 36]

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

[Divalent 36]

Wife: "Where the *HELL* ARE YOU? You should have been home HOURS AGO!"

Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewelry store where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn’t have money that time, but I said, "Baby, it’ll be yours one day"?

Wife (smiling and blushing): "Yeah, I remember that, my love!"

Husband: "Well, I’m in the bar that's right next door to that place."

[Divalent 36]

On their wedding night, a groom asks his new bride, "Honey, am I your first?"

She says, "Why does everyone ask me that?"

[Divalent 36]

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
 

[Divalent 36]

When your wife gets a little upset, just remember:

a simple “calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get them a lot more upset.

[Divalent 36]

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family.

My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.
 

[wolfriverjoe 720]

On 2/3/2022 at 12:11 PM, Divalent said:

When your wife gets a little upset, just remember:

a simple “calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get them a lot more upset.

The next time your wife gets angry at you, take a towel, drape it over her back like a cape and say "Now you're super angry"

She might laugh...

She might murder you.

[headoverheels 174]

A nurse making rounds finds a rectal thermometer in her front pocket.

"Damn," she says.  "Some asshole has my pen."

 

[Divalent 36]

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working."

I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

[Divalent 36]

A little old man who’s hard of hearing goes to see the doctor. As he can’t hear very well, he takes his wife with him.

The doctor examines the man, and then says, “Hmm, I think we need to take a stool sample, a urine sample, and a sperm sample.”

The old man turns to his wife and asks, “What did he say?”

The wife replies, “He said he wants your underwear.”

[SethInMI 104]

 

 

spring...is right around the corner

[Divalent 36]

A freshly ordained young priest was walking to his newly assigned parish in the inner city. As he walked down the street, a prostitute stopped him and said, "Hey father, $20 for a blow job." The priest had never heard of such a thing and hurried away from the prostitute.

When he arrived at the church he was greeted by the Mother Superior who showed him around the place and guided him to his room. Before she left the priest alone in his room, she asked if he had any questions.

The young priest said, "I do have one question, Mother Superior, what is a blow job?"

And the old nun says, "Twenty bucks, same price as on the street."