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A few years ago a friend of mine’s house burned down. When asked if there was anything we could do to help, she said “make me laugh as many days as you can.”

Thank you Joke of the Day thread. She laughed a lot  

Wendy P.

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8 hours ago, wmw999 said:

A few years ago a friend of mine’s house burned down. When asked if there was anything we could do to help, she said “make me laugh as many days as you can.”

Thank you Joke of the Day thread. She laughed a lot  

Wendy P.

Umm, I don't get it.








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The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation.  After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery..  The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves.  The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures.  So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church.  Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy!  They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church.  Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue.  They took the first squirrel and circumcised him.  They haven't seen a squirrel since

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It was my first time visiting Dr. Putz for a colonoscopy. I went into his office for my very first rectal exam. His new blond nurse, Ethel, took me to an examining room. She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:

A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer.
When Dr. Putz finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse: 
"Damn it, Ethel! I said a BUTT light."

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A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

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 Two couples were playing cards one evening.  John accidentally dropped
 cards on the floor.  When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he
 noticed that Bill's wife, legs spread wide, was not wearing any underwear!

 Shocked by this, John...upon trying to sit up again...hit his head on
 the table and emerged red-faced.  Later, John went to the kitchen to get
 refreshments.  Bill's wife followed him and asked... "Did you see anything
 that you liked under there?"

 Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, yes he
 She said... "You can have it, but it will cost you $500."

 After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
 offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested.  She tells him
 that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John
 doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2:00PM Friday afternoon.

 When Friday rolls around, John shows up at Bill's house for the planned
 with his wife at 2:00PM sharp...and after paying her the agreed upon
 they go to her bedroom and close their sexual transaction as Sue had
 promised. Afterwards, John quickly dresses and leaves.

 As was his habit, at 6:00PM, Bill returned home from work. Upon entering
 House and encountering his wife he asks abruptly... "Did John come by the house this afternoon?
 With a lump in her throat, Bill's wife answers... "Why yes, he did stop
 by here for a few minutes this afternoon."

 Her heart nearly skips a beat when her husband curtly asks... "And did he
 give you $500.00?"

 In terror she assumes she's somehow been found out, and after mustering up
 her best poker face she replies... "Well, yes...in fact he did give me
five hundred dollars."

 Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprises his wife by saying...
 "Good, I was hoping so.  John came by my office this morning and borrowed
 five hundred dollars from me.  He promised me he'd stop by our house this
 afternoon on his way home and pay me back.

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Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to
be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called 'Beer.'

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in
bottles, cans, or from taps and in large 'kegs'. Beer is used by female
sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to
go ; home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then
simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers,
men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking
women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly
what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling
that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship.'

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the
unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and pun ishment
referred to as 'marriage.' Men are much more susceptible to this scam
after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it,
there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your
shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Drop Zones' in the
phone book.

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So I notice on the news today that it's the 10th anniversary of the deaths of Farrah Fawcett and Micheal Jackson. I remember the day. Farrah died first and it was in the news, then Michael died and of course that was huge news. It didn't take long for the following joke to appear...


Farrah Fawcett died. When she got to heaven, God said to her, "Farrah, you were beloved by millions of people, and you fought a valiant fight against your cancer. For that, I'm going to grant you a special wish." Farrah replied, "I just want for all the children to be safe..."

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When I was little I thought sex was just kissing while you were naked. One time I got out of the shower and kissed our cat on the head but then remembered I was naked and ran downstairs crying and said that I just had sex with the cat. You shoulda seen my mom's face.

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> Subject: A Little Bit Country
> A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes,
> getting a little practice in before the final exams.  He went over to a
> table where a body was lying face down.  He removed the sheet over the body
> and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum.
>           Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out,
> and to his surprise, music began playing "On the road again... Just can't
> wait to get on the road again..."  The student was amazed, and placed the
> cork back in the rectum.  The music stopped.
>           Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner
> over to the corpse.  "Look at this.  This is really something!" the student
> told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.  "On the road
> again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..."  "So what?", the
> Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's
> discovery.  "But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked
> the student.  "Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing
> country music."

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Tonight,  I thought my husband was acting weird.  We  had made plans to meet at a bar to have a  drink. I was shopping with my friends all day  long, so I thought he was upset at the fact  that I was a bit  late, but he made no  comment on it.  


Conversation wasn't  flowing, so I suggested that we  go somewhere quiet so we could talk.. He agreed,  but he didn't say much. I asked him what was  wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' 


I asked him if it  was my fault that he was upset.. He said he  wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with  me, and not to worry about it.

On the way  home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled  slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain  his behavior I don't know why he didn't say,  'I love you, too.' 


When we got home, I felt  as if I had lost him completely, 
as if he  wanted nothing to do with me anymore.  He  just sat there quietly, and watched  TV.

He continued to seem distant and  absent. Finally, with silence all 
around us,  I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,  he came 
to bed. To my surprise, he responded  to my caress, and we made 
love. But I still  felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts  were 
somewhere else. 


He fell asleep - I  cried. I don't know what to do.

I'm  almost sure that his thoughts are with someone  else. My life is a disaster. 

Harley wouldn't start today, I just can't figure it out, but  at least I got laid.. 

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Hi folks,

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.'

The girl looked at him and then said, 'NO.'

Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend, She called him and explained the situation. 

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' 

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend's call.

Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened?'

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

Jerry Baumchen

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Irish Paddy was telling his friend Mike about his first Skydive.

When i got to the Door i completely froze and could not move. after a few seconds the 6'7 Black instructor  unzipped his pants and took out his 14' dick and said "if you don't jump i am going to stick this thing up your arse!!!"

So Mike asked Paddy did you jump??

Paddy replies, A little bit when it first went in!!!O.oO.o:P:P


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There was girl who was a prostitute, but her grandmother 
didn't know about her occupation.

One day, the police rounded up a group of pros and the girl 
was busted.  The cops had all the girls lined up against a 
wall of the street where they were caught soliciting.

Just then the granny walked by and saw her granddaughter, 
she asked the girl, "What are you lining up for?"

The granddaughter, not willing to reveal the truth, told her 
grandmother that she was lining up for some free oranges.

Well, grandma, not one for passing up something free, 
joined the back of the line.  A policeman who was going 
down the lineup taking information from each girl, soon 
reached the grandmother.

He was stunned and bewildered to see her so, he asked 
carefully, "Ma'am, you're rather old to be out here, how 
do you still do it?"

Grandma proudly replied, "Oh, it's easy, I just take out 
my teeth and suck 'em dry."

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A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that the rather hot-looking blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripper from my bachelor party I screwed on the pool table in front of all my buddies while your girlfriend  whipped me with some wet celery and jammed a cucumber up my ass?!"

"Um, no", she replied coldly, "I'm your son's English teacher"...........

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