Michele 1 #1 July 16, 2001 Friday: Ed tells me he won't be around this weekend, and tells me to jump with either Eric or Vinnie, as they both have fast fall rates. Eric won't be there, and I plain just don't want to jump without Ed in the air with me, but I sign up for Sunday nonetheless, thinking I can just back out if I get too freaked out. ***Last night. I lay in the bathtub, trying to identify and name the fear I have about the jump tomorrow. They are making me bend over, grab my calves, and then they are going to push me out of the plane. I lay there, glass of wine in my hand, eyes closed, and give my imagination free reign in the safety of my bath to create the very worst freefall I can - I let my mind go there. All sorts of images drift through my mind; upside down, head down, on my back, laid out and spinning on my back. Ed's not there to help me, and no-one can catch up to me - and I burn past the assigned pull altitude. It all gets too much, I can feel the panic begin, the breathing becoming sharper, the belly flopping around like a dying fish. I have to finish this, so I imagine myself arching hard, flipping over easy as pie, pulling and landing just fine. I get out of the tub, and crawl into bed, knowing that sleep will be a long time coming, and the morning will be here far too soon. ***I wake up this morning to my 1 year old cat teaching herself to freefly. She unfortunately plf's on my back, so, wincing, I reluctantly get out of bed. I plod through my morning coffee, and get in my car. It's overcast and oddly chilly; I am hoping that I will get weathered out. At least that will take the decision away from me, and I won't look like such a wuss. I talk to myself as I am driving the 84 miles, talking out loud. I will have 7000 feet to recover if there's a problem. I will never have to do this exit again if I don't want to. I can get out the door and accomplish everything I need to, they are not asking too much.... and on and on, for most of the miles. It occurs to me that the fight or flight instinct is violently triggered by skydiving, at least for me. And, as Albatross said, I cannot fight the elements, I cannot fight the world. Fighting, therefore, is out of the question. I am already in flight, flying above the ground, so that aspect is already present. What's left, then? I wonder. Flow. Flowing with the feelings, allowing them room to be, but not control me, giving them space and acknowledgement so they will go quietly into the corner of my mind and stay there, not invasive, not demanding, there but ignorable. Flowing, dealing with the mistakes I make, not letting them flow over me, but flowing with them, using them, correcting them. Flowing with whatever emerges to deal with. I realize what a mistake I made, letting my imagination go there last night. I run my imagination, it does not run me, and so I imagine another flight, this one perfect, no mistakes, easy and free. Then I imagine the fears as butterflies, and make them fly an rw pattern I make up. They fly around my belly, but they are not escaping into my mind. I spend the morning with Kimmer and Sinister69 (you are both such excellent friends!). Kimmer goes to do her jump (she did so well!!!!), and then the waiting for me begins. Sin does everything he can to make me comfortable, but then I am called into the harness room - not with Vinnie, as I expect, but with this man who I don't know, Rob. He is very patient with me, and brings me through without making me feel as if I know nothing, and reassuring me when I don't have the exact right answer. I keep looking at his legs; they are a great distraction, but I really can't let myself be that distracted, not right now. We are on a call, and I still somehow think I am supposed to be jumping with Vinnie. I check the sheet that Lisa tacks up, and here is Rob's name next to mine. Uh, wait. I see Vinnie, and total insecurity engulfs me. Did he decide to not jump with me? Doesn't he want to jump with me? What if he doesn't like me? So I go and ask him. No, it's just he needs to do a tandem, and I will be fine with Rob. I go over to Rob and tell him that I really fall fast, and while he believes me somewhat, I can tell he may not understand how fast this body can go. I tell him again, and add that if I lose him, I was just going to continue with the dive and he could watch from above. He just looks at me, tells me to trust him, then tells me to trust him again. But I don't know him, and he's not Ed, and I can't tell him all of the fears because I am pretending they don't exist, and I consider pulling out of the jump because Ed's not there. I walk away, thinking about this exit, and this flight, and how much I want to move past this wall, but how high it is, smooth and slippery, and I wonder if I can do it.And then it strikes me. Ed is not always going to be there. Even if I want him to be, even if he wanted to be. Pretty soon I will be jumping with lots of other people, and that if I was ever going to be able to get in the air without Ed, then I would have to start now. I apologize to Rob for being so snippy and bitchy with him, and explain that I am frightened of jumping without someone I know by my side. I tell him that I need to break the ties, and that I would be happy to jump with him. He can tell I am not happy about jumping, but that I mean it anyway, so he laughs and tells me to never mind, he's not taken it personally at all. He walks me through the jump, tells me what to expect, what position to take ("O.K., Michele, you're just going to cross your ankles, bend over and grab them and then I'll push you. Pop open after a few seconds, and arch hard." Shit.) and then teaches me the delta position. We get ready, and get on the plane. I am busy imagining that this time everything will go right. He and I talk, about my work and his, about martial arts, and he is working so hard at keeping me calm and focussed. The rw's across the way are giving me a hard time, and so I play back. They are people I have briefly talked to before, and they are just goofing around. It's fun with them, and Rob and I are joking right back. I keep waiting for the panic, when is it going to start, when will I get dry throat, when will the butterflies creep out of my belly and hit my head like a mac truck. It's 13,000, hey we got extra altitude, what do you mean it's our turn yes the light is green so what?. Well, here's the fear, the panic. I get my heart out of my shoes, and Ok, well, fuck the fear, here I go and I peek my head out of the door, pretend I'm spotting (yeah, like I can uncross my eyes long enough to see the ground), bend over, cross my ankles and grab myself behind the calves, think well, crap, I'm falling out, feel a gentle little shove and then I am airborne.....And I start counting -1- I feel the sun on my face and now it's gone -2- the sun again and now a sideways feeling-3-I close my eyes because everything is-4-upside down round about and my head is down and I can't think and hey, this is fun-5-open, but not into a hard arch......and I am still falling, out of control, doing a layout and then staying on my back and spinning and I look at the sky and I decide to arch harder and my legs twist over and here I am on my belly and I am arching fine, but I start to spin so I relax -flow- and the spin stops and I hold the heading and I look at my alti and it's 8 already and it's time to delta, so I try, and here is Rob grinning at me so I take off on a sloppy and bizarre delta - I feel like I think dolphins feel, and so I stop, arch again, and really think about where my shoulders and hands go, and hey, wait, this is fast!!!!! and then Rob is with me again, and still grinning, and I can feel the grin break out on my face, and damn, it's 6 and I have to stop, so I sit there (well, arch there) and wait until 4,500 and then I reach back, and I tug and then I am under a full, happy canopy.Everything is really fine until I realize that the wind is really strong, that it has picked up since we left, and that I am really travelling when I get with the wind. I mean, really moving. I turn, and try to see the windsocks, but I am too high up to see them that clearly. I try to see how everyone else is landing, and there are two guys but they are landing in different directions, and now I have to get ready but wait, there's the flag near where I will landing and it is facing the same way I am and I start to turn right then change my mind and go left - hard - but not too hard, and now I am facing the correct way, and most forward motion stops. I go straight down, well not straight but really steeply, and here is the ground coming fast, and there's a gust and now it's time to flare and I do, nicely and smoothly and I am directly into the wind, and I reach with my toes and they hit the ground and I am standing up. I have to turn really fast because this monster canopy is not even near the ground and it's pulling me and I will NOT fall over because I landed on my feet so I dig in my heels and wrestle the canopy to the ground. I grapple with the lines as I run around the back of the canopy, shouting in exhuberance and joy, and laugh as the canopy folds over my face and engulfs me in it's depth. The canopy hugged me! I think, get untangled from it and gather it up, and smoosh the air out of it so I can get a good grip. Rob hugs me, and then teases me about holding the tuck out of the plane for a bit too long and tells me that he was a tad concerned so I tell him I had fun and he has great legs and he laughs and turns red. He asked me how many times I counted to five, and then tells me he counted to five twice. I said I had decided I was not going to fail the level because of not having a long enough tumble, so I took my time counting and he said that was something I shouldn't have worried about. I passed the level. Then he looks at me and tells me "you're right. You do fall fast."I run around hugging everyone. This was by far the best jump I have ever had, and it was amazing and wonderful and exciting and thrilling and I can't wait to tell Ed about it. And now, if I jump with Ed, it will be out of choice and not out of necessity. I feel the awe and the joy and the freedom in a way I had never felt before. Today's jump is the reason I keep jumping. I am a happy girl tonight. Waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhoooooooooooooooooo!!!!ciel bleu-Michele Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Viking 0 #2 July 16, 2001 good job!!! man i don't think i can stand reading all these cool stories of yours. I havn't jumped in two weeks!!!! i need to jump!!!!! oh what lvl was that?Remember when Sex was safe and skydiving was Dangerous? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kimmer 0 #3 July 16, 2001 See big sis, I told you that you would kick some ass up there. I am so happy for you and stoked that you see you CAN jump without Ed. Wish I could have seen you land though. Great job on level 6-hope the good luck will pass on to me for my jump! :) You've definitely got the flow down girl. I am so proud of you.Luv your "lil' sis,"Kimmer :) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RemiAndKaren 0 #4 July 16, 2001 QuoteI lay in the bathtub, trying to identify and name the fear I have about the jump tomorrow. They are making me bend over, grab my calves, and then they are going to push me out of the plane. I lay there, glass of wine in my hand, eyes closed, geeee.. for a second, I though this wouldn't be skydiving related! Good job Michele.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skymedic 0 #5 July 16, 2001 Glass of wine, bathtub...sounds like a good night to me.And by the way, isn't this sport so much more fun when you start taking control of it, instead of fearing so much of it?Marc Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
herv 0 #6 July 16, 2001 Great Job Michelle, it's a great feeling when you realize that no matter what body position your in, you can get stable without a problem isn't it? Once again, good job! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
zclubber1 0 #7 July 16, 2001 Right on, Michelle!! Sorry I didn't get to see your landing, but at least I got to see a little bit of the happy dance afterwards. I dig your fff philosophy, too. I figure, we're gonna be up there anyway, might as well relax, let it flow, and enjoy it. That close to heaven, we have no choice but to be at peace! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Zennie 0 #8 July 16, 2001 Way to go Michele!As per the RW Fun/RW Frustration threads, I had my own confidence issues to deal with on the RW side of things, so I know where you're coming from. Fear of failure is crippling. Worse, by thinking about failing, you usually do.So I got back into Zen mode and just chilled and enjoyed things -- the plane ride up, the compaionship. No worries.So keep it up. This game's all about overcoming fears. First they're about survival skills, but they gradually evolve into performance-anxiety issues. So you're conquest of your present demons will serve you well down the road!Keep having fun!------------Blue Skies!Zennie Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Rhonda66 0 #9 July 16, 2001 Great job Michele and good luck on the graduation jump!I've heard about this exit now a few times - is this something new they have added to one of the levels of the AFF program? It sounds like a great idea to make you go unstable because once you've gotten yourself out of it once, it is so much easier to deal with in the future. I think I might try an exit like that on my next jump just for the fun of it :)Rhonda Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sinister69 0 #10 July 16, 2001 I told you you would like this level. Level 6 is great. It shows how much control you have out there. That uncontrolled exit is easy to get out of, isn't it. Just do that hard arch like I said and you go right over onto your belly. You're going to love the next 2 levels also. They will be your first controlled solo exits. You will feel so free without your instructors hanging onto during exit. Next time believe me when I tell you that the exit is easy. You didn't believe me on 5, and you loved it. Same with 6. I wouldn't steer you wrong girl. I've been there. Had the same worries as you. I got through them, I know you can too!! Good job Michele.P.S. I might have to go to Irvine on Tuesday, so I will be coming from the 5 freeway. That might make me a little late because of traffic, but I will be there. Keep dinner warm for me. Blue Skies!Sinister69http://home.pacbell.net/n1elson1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sinister69 0 #11 July 16, 2001 yeah rhonda, they recently changed it. That's exactly what they want from you. Once you've done it you know how to get out of it. Helped me tremendously after I graduated. Was doing some backflips and stuff, ended up on my back, arched harder and went straight to my belly. it's great!Blue Skies!Sinister69http://home.pacbell.net/n1elson1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DZBone 0 #12 July 16, 2001 Heh, just think. Soon you'll be doing dives like this just for fun, just because you can, because, why not?Nice work!Carl Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FallingMarc 0 #13 July 17, 2001 Wonderful! Isn't it great to work through your fears, then you see it all so much more clearly afterwards? Good to hear you had such a great jump!Marc Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflake 0 #14 July 17, 2001 God this is just like a Soap :-p....I love it. I didn't have a stable exit till my level 8's (after 3 that is) I did a real good impression of someone getting pushed out of a plane and I didn't have to do all that bending over stuff >Insert grin here< . I'm gonna be at Perris this Saturday, and would love to meet some of you people so let me know if you plan on being there.JG Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Albatross 0 #15 July 17, 2001 You did it girl!!!! You made that critical jump from being a skyfaller to being a skydiver. You have learned to love the air and let it take care of you. You will now be in control of your body. You rock. I am so bumbed that I couldn't be there to see you do it. Now don't think that everything will be easy from now on but you now know that no matter how bad the tumble you can recover and be in control. I am so happy that you stuck with it and feel privaledged that you have brought us all along with the writing. I think that you sould write one for each jump to A licence and make a little book for new skydivers... You could inspire a whole generation of skydivers!! Love YaReady, Set, GOOOOOOOAlbatross Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wingnut 0 #16 July 17, 2001 great job,your making me feel jelous cuz i never felt that pumped after a jump untill just recently....oh this sport does get better and better every jump though..... will you explode when you get your "a"? i mean if you write this good about level 6 what will happen when you pass the test and get that number????? i'll be waiting to read that story... i bet it'll be a grood one!!!!!!p.s. unstabil exits get more fun as ya go along....specially on hop n' pops from 4,000 when all ya have time for is a fun exit and then deploy........"if dreams are like movies, then memories are like films about ghosts"-counting crows Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Michele 1 #17 July 17, 2001 You guys are so neat. I keep waiting for one of you to tell me to quit writing, that you're bored, and you haven't (please don't start now....lol, kind of). I talked to Ed today. He called to see how everything went (how freakin cool is that!!!). He had read the paperwork, said it was the first thing he did when he got to the school, but wanted to hear about it from me. He told me he was proud of me, and that he knew I could handle it; but that I had to learn it for myself. I am still so way high from the experience. And if my delta position is any indication, I have a realllllly long way to go before I can even call myself anything other than a faller. After watching the vid, (I left the videographer a looong ways back, so I am a really tiny dot through most of the delta), I understand that I may - and I stress "may"- understand a little bit more about air and body position. Albatross, I know that the journey is long, and begins with the single step. I am still crawling - and that is fine with me. I haven't taken the first "step" yet. No rush, no hurry. But this infusion of joy, fun, trust - wow. I knew it would come, I had tastes of it in other jumps; but to experience it like that was intense. Still grinning like a fool, and dancing in the seat of my car......and wanting the air so badly.....ciel bleu-Michele Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
AggieDave 6 #18 July 17, 2001 There should be an e-zine on dz.com for personal writings. Not the forums, something like www.fray.com (e-zine that's been around since like '93 or something like that). Where writers could submit a writting about skydiving or stuff to HH and he could post it in different catagories...Not to say that ppl shouldn't continue to write stuff like this in the forums, personally I love reading this stuff. :) But I think it would be neat to have a specific part of the site dedicated to it. You could go there for good-freefall-vibes on raining days or stuff... ok, it's late and i'm rambling, so i better quite.AggieDave '02-------------Blue Skies and Gig'em Ags!BTHO t.u. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Billy 0 #19 July 17, 2001 What Wingnut said!!My first delta I felt like a friggin PU truck in the Winter,, on an icy road haullin ass!! Was all over the place!! Now one a my favorite exits is a pike with at least 2-3 flips into a sit,, can't wait ta read about your first Horny Gorilla!! Waahhoo!! Your gonna love L-7!!!Billy Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Michele 1 #20 July 17, 2001 Billy, I have to ask: what is a horny gorilla? (you all keep talking about it, but all I can think of is flying as fast as I can AWAY from a guy in a gorilla suit....)ciel bleu-Michele Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RemiAndKaren 0 #21 July 17, 2001 Hi Michele,a Horny G is a fun jump move where jumpers in a star (say a 4 way) keep their grips but flip their legs towards the center and lock them with the others.... Ideally, you then let go of the arm grips and ride it down!!!!Do it high.. it eats up LOTS of altitude...... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Michele 1 #22 July 17, 2001 Thanks, RemiandKaren....replaces a really weird mental picture......ciel bleu -Michele Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
matttrudeau 0 #23 July 17, 2001 Michele, you should be a writer. You give such detail and emotion. Excellent job! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Billy 0 #24 July 17, 2001 A 4 way HG!!?? Awesome!!We planed a 3 way but we blew the exit,, planned on breakin off at 4,000,, but we didn't get linked up till 4,500,, so when we pulled the feet in and started ta drop,, then broke, tracked and opened,, well it was scary low,, we figured I was within 500 ft of my AAD firing,, checked canopy and got my toggles in and I was at 1,000 ft,, I got reemed by some folks for losin alt awarness,, and I deserverd it,, I don't wear a dytter and have been mostly countin on others with them for the break off,, my AFF JM told me "hay it's your ass up there!!" So went back the next day,, did a 2 way with my bud from AFF,, he exited on "set" and I did the pyke exit on "go".. after a few tumbles I opened up and he was right there, we linked up and then got our legs together by 10,500,, after that it was just WAHOO!! I checked my altimeter several times,, we were belly down,, spinnin,, belly up,, spinnin,, pull an arm in and spin some more,, belly up,, belly down,, spin spin spin,, broke off at 4,000 and tracked hollerin away,, pulled a hamstring just holdin on through that nonsene!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SunDawg 0 #25 August 3, 2001 Great story, as I was reading it I realized, "This person MUST be jumping at Perris Valley". Looking at your profile I was right! I went through AFF there in '92 and was the 200th student to graduate that year. Vinnie was my main JM but I jumped with Ed on AFF 7. Anyway, after a year I got out of skydiving and now eight years later I'm getting back into it (this weekend to be exact). After reading your story I just had to ask you to say hi to Vinnie for me (he probably won't remember me but let him know that Todd Kingham says HI!!!)Well, Thanks for your time. Blue Skies, Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
