Do You Travel for Business

[Jumperpaula 0]

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
as hell verything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting
with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. thank you, and remember,nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. please do not leave children or spouses."
10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."
12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in
light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sonny,did we land or were we shot down?"
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bellsare silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go sting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways
Fly Your Slot !

[Zennie 0]

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4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"

Our pilot did this once during a particularly hair-raising landing at Las Vegas once.
"Zero Tolerance: the politically correct term for zero thought, zero common sense."

[flyhi 24]

Just wanted to give you an example of a totally wrong, politically incorrect joke which offends everyone with any sensibilities:
Q: How do you get a Southwest flight attendant into the cockpit?
A: Open the cockpit door, grease up her hips, and put a cupcake on the glare shield.
That is just so wrong!
I have heard that with the increase in female pilots, they have changed the name from "cockpit" to "box office". I can neither confirm nor deny this detail.
Is it hot in here, or am I crazy? - Charles Manson
flyhi

[skyhawk 2]

it be true :)
(o)(o)

[Jumperpaula 0]

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13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

Ive actually heard that one. And
"the smoking section is on the left wing. If you want to step outside to smoke, go right ahead. If you can hold it, you can smoke it."
Fly Your Slot !

[Muenkel 0]

I fly Delta Airlines alot and whenever you are on one of their 767's they always say that "some" of your seats will act as flotation devices.
Some? Which ones? I never did ask.
"I am a victim of my environment."
Chris

[freeflir29 0]

"If you want to step outside to smoke, go right ahead."
Where's my goggles and helmet? "Houston? That place is full of Crack heads and debutantes."- Hank Hill
Clay

[skyhawk 2]

Some? Which ones? I never did ask.
first and business class :)
(o)(o)

[skymedic 0]

There was a story of a US airline of some sort flying into frankfurt germany in the mid to late 60's....the capt. had just been promoted to an overseas flight and had never been to the terminals at Frankfurt and was having a hard time finding them....well he was a bit confused and some german ground control person came over and was chastising him and asked havn't you ever been to Frankfurt before.....which the Pilot replyed "yes, but I flew over, dropped off a few presents and didn't stop".........to which the ground control suddenly grew silent....
Then there was the lufthansa crew that was having some problems finding passengers...they had already pushed back into the taxi way and were blocking areas....to which of course the rest of the pilots in other aircraft were getting irritated....the German pilot came over the radio and advised them they were having difficutly and couldn't located 2 or 3 passengers....to which a nameless Southern drawl came over the radio and says "why dont you guys check your ovens".....
needless to say no one knows who said that!!!!!
marc
"...a mind stretched with new idea's will never regain its shape"

[kingbunky 3]

There's a no-frills type airline in Canada called WestJet and i always get a kcik out of their flight crews. there's always a little poem or song when you are taxiing to the gate. here's a sample, sung to the tune of the barney song:
We love you,
You love us,
WestJet's better
Than the bus.
With a great big hug
And a kiss from you to me,
Marry one of us
And you fly for free!
"Jumping out of planes for the thrill of it all."
-J.Geils Band

[Jumperpaula 0]

I go between Houston, San Antonio and Dallas on SW. It always makes me giggle when they say "your seatcushion may be used as a floatation device..."
Like, what water?
Fly Your Slot !

[nacmacfeegle 0]

"Like, what water? "
Look out your window, like right now, .
First they bring me a whole day of hopnpopping, now some rain, my homesickness is evaporating .
cya
D

[Muenkel 0]

I love the way Southwest Airlines does their seat assignments. Like musical chairs, "OK, now boarding numbers 1 through 30". Mad rush to the gate, people screaming "I don't want to sit near the arab!".
I always get stuck next to someone either really big, really chatty or really smelly. I guess this is why I want to become a skydiver...I can get off the flight!
"I am a victim of my environment."
Chris

[freeflir29 0]

"I always get stuck next to someone either really big, really chatty or really smelly"
You usually get all those when sitting towards the front of the Otter...
"Houston? That place is full of Crack heads and debutantes."- Hank Hill
Clay

[AndyMan 7]

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I always get stuck next to someone either really big, really chatty or really smelly.

The last time I flew southwest I was sitting beside a sumo wrestler. I hope.
This guy was so fat, the seatbelt went around his lefs as oposed to his waist. The seatbelt literally came up over his legs, buckled on top of his knees. I don't understand how somebody that big could fly safely. Serious turbulence and I'd imagine his legs would break if he was wearing the seatbelt.
To make thing worse, I was in the middle seat. I got pretty friendly with the girl on my right.
_Am

[Muenkel 0]

"I got pretty friendly with the girl on my right."
Was she at least hot?
"I am a victim of my environment."
Chris

[AndyMan 7]

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Was she at least hot?

Reasonably.
_Am

[Muenkel 0]

I guess next to Mr. Sumo Wrestler, Janet Reno would look hot.
"I am a victim of my environment."
Chris

[flyingferret 0]

Well that is kinda overkill, but why was it ever called cockpit? I mean it did not literally refer to 'cock' did it?

[freeflir29 0]

"I mean it did not literally refer to 'cock' did it?"
Hmmmm...you haven't met many military pilots have you...."Houston? That place is full of Crack heads and debutantes."- Hank Hill
Clay

[PalmettoTiger 1]

Google search is your friend. From http://www.wordorigins.org/wordorc.htm#Cockpit:
The original sense of this term was a pit for fighting cocks. (PT: roosters, not penises. sheesh.) This sense appears around 1587. In 1599, Shakespeare used the term in Henry V to refer to the theater and specifically the area around the stage. The theatrical reference was his invention, obviously playing on the idea of a cockfight being a performance.
The nautical sense arose about 1700. It was not an open area, but rather a compartment below decks. Normally, it would be the sleeping quarters for junior officers, but in battle would be the hospital. This sense appears unrelated to the theatrical sense, and may have been chosen because junior officers lorded over the sailors like roosters or because of a physical resemblance to the space where chickens were kept. The nautical sense transferred to airplanes around 1914 and to cars in the mid-1930s.
PTiger
I'm stepping through the door
And I'm floating in a most peculiar way

[GrumpySmurf 0]

Depends if she has passed out or not?

[Muenkel 0]

"Depends if she has passed out or not?"
Man, she went down like a sack of dirt.
"I am a victim of my environment."
Chris

[Jumperpaula 0]

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I always get stuck next to someone either really big, really chatty or really smelly.

Im always in the last group...don't like hanging around terminals if I don't have to. So I look for two guys with a middle seat who are "begging and praying" that some sumo doesn't sit there. I always get big smiles when I ask "can I take that one?" Quite, little, no big carry-on's. Perfect for the middle seat.
Fly Your Slot !

[freeflir29 0]

"Quite, little, no big carry-on's. Perfect for the middle seat."
Somehow...I don't think any of those things factored in...."Houston? That place is full of Crack heads and debutantes."- Hank Hill
Clay