Overheard on Airline Speakers!

[mdwhalen 0]

Heard over Airline Speakers!

On a lengthy evening Air Canada Flight with a somewhat "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

Upon landing, a Westjet stewardess was heard to say: "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

Also from Westjet: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane. So pay attention!"

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the Continental plane landed and was coming to a stop at La Guardia, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines flight crew member: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.

The captain's dulcet tones droned over the plane's speakers: "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please use them to paddle to shore and feel free to take them home with our compliments."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed equally amongst the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Heard from a flight attendant on a Westjet Airlines flight just after a very hard landing in Edmonton, Alberta: "That was quite a bump, and I know what you're all thinking ... I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault ... it was Air Canada."

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

A Canadian airline pilot wrote in his journal, a few years ago, that on one particular flight due to strong crosswinds, he had unfortunately hammered his ship onto the runway with a very hard greeting. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer on the flight to stand at the exit door while the passengers disembarked, to smile and repeat "Thanks for flying our airline." His comments indicated that, in light of the poor landing, he avoided eye contact with the passengers in an attempt to avoid any smart comments that might result. Finally there was only one little old lady left to exit the plane. Walking slowly up the aisle with a cane, she approached the awaiting first officer and said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of U.S. Airways."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After reaching a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee, which ended up spilling in my lap. You should see the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!

Stolen from ilovebacon.com
ilovebacon.com

"I have magic buttons ;)." skymama

[skycat 0]

I love southwest, they are always cracking jokes. It may not be the most comfortable plane out there, but it sure is entertaining.

Fly it like you stole it!

[crutch 0]

Very nice Michael!

blue skies,

art

[chaoskitty 0]

I liked this one:

"If anyone happened to notice a young lady boarding the aircraft with a parachute.. that is her own personal parachute and shes the only one who has one. I'll be sitting next to her!"

.. a SWA flight attendant between here and San Antonio.

[unformed 0]

Nice, those were funny. Here's some more, from Air Traffic Controllers:

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm fucking bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!"

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I didn't land."

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

This ad space for sale.

[skydiver30960 0]

I flew Southwest A LOT a couple years ago (broke bastard that I am) and usually found the extra banter nice. But every once in a while, usually when I was cranky from Southwest's absolutely IDIOTIC "wait in this line, then wait in this line, then wait in this line, then STILL get the middle seat" method of boarding, the jokes and chitchat got to be too much. Just get the damn plane off the ground, and get me where I'm goin'.

...Oh yea, and tell the captain to give me a pass at 15,000 and a green light straight up!

Elvisio "call me d.b." Rodriguez

[calphoto 0]

"Thankyou for flying Aeroflot. And remember, we're not happy until YOU'RE not happy..."

Hartwood Paracenter - The closest DZ to DC!

[FunBobby 0]

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

FunBobby

[Nightingale 0]

Quote

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

OMG... I was on this flight. It was Hawaiian Air about ten years ago. my first airplane ride ever.

[mdwhalen 0]

This didn't happen on a plane but in Heathrow Airport over the PA. A woman with a very proper sounding British accent was announcing the arriving flights when, in mid-sentence, she accidentally let loose with a loud belch. The previously loud terminal instantly became silent and then erupted in laughter as a different voice came on the PA and finished the announcement as though nothing had happened.

"I have magic buttons ;)." skymama

[lawrocket 3]

I flew Southwest once and was passing by the meteor crater in Winslow, AZ. The pilot said,

"To those of you on the right side, you can look down and see a meteor crater. Don't worry, the buildings and the road leading up to it were not harmed when it hit."

Extremely stupid, but it made me chuckle.

My wife is hotter than your wife.

[flyhi 24]

How do you get an ATA stewardess flight attendant into the cockpit?

Put a cupcake on the glare shield and grease up her thighs.

Shit happens. And it usually happens because of physics.

[crzjp20 0]

Quote

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

thats freaking funny!!!!

sounds about right for germans trying to argue with americans though........ oh wait wrong section.,.....

--------------------------------------------------
Fear is not a confession of weakness, it is an oportunity for courage.

[damion75 0]

This reminds me of a legendary announcement on a military R&R flight back from Bosnia to the UK in the mid-90s...

As the plane taxis in at RAF Brize Norton, the pilot comes on the intercom and says "welcome back to the UK. For all you ladies on board that means that you are all officially ugly again..."

Inevitably he was disciplined for that one but damn it was funny!

***************

Not one shred of evidence supports the theory that life is serious - look at the platypus.

[billvon 2,473]

I remember sitting there in first class, just us and the flight test crew. We had already had one really hard landing, complete with overhead bins popping open and several alarms from the annunciator panel, and we were trying the same autoland channel again to see if we could identify the problem. "I dunno," said one of the pilots. "Doesn't seem to be any better this time."

"Oh, let it go, let's see what happens," said the lead pilot. I remember thinking two things at that point:

1. That's not something you really want to hear from your pilot
2. I don't get paid enough.

[ACMESkydiver 0]

Laughing out loud...literally!!

Thanks, that's awesome!

~Jaye
Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action.

[roadwarrior 0]

What's the difference between a jet engine and a flight attendant? When the plane blocks the jet engine stops whinning.

[peacefuljeffrey 0]

Quote

I love southwest, they are always cracking jokes. It may not be the most comfortable plane out there, but it sure is entertaining.

I flew then PBI to ISP in June, and they didn't do ANY of that! I was disappointed, as they had been the first airline I had flown that made it funny. Dunno why they stopped.

-

-Jeffrey
"With tha thoughts of a militant mind... Hard line, hard line after hard line!"

[brits17 0]

Hehe, those made me laugh Yeah southwest is great. This one time, we played toilet paper races competing against the other isle. And THEN, I got to say the general saluation "Thank you for flying Southwest.... blah blah blah" on the speaker, but only if I sang a song. I picked the Star Spangled Banner.

_______________________
aerialkinetics.com

[freeflir29 0]

Quote

This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

I was at work a couple months ago. Last flight of the day was from MDW to CLE. My partner's cousin happened to be on the same flight so we let him sit in between us. Funny thing....the cousin had a STRIKING resemblance to EmNem. So...we get the gate agent to make some crazy announcement that she wants to preboard old people, kids and "Any celebrities flying with us today." We were hiding in the jetway laughing our asses off. Get down to the plane and there are some VERY HOT FA's on this flight. They are tired and kinda giddy. It's there Friday and their days have been long. The FA walked off the plane with her plastic gloves still on. (She was cleaning the plane) I started running back up the jetway yelling "I'm NOT that kinda guy!!!!!" She turned rather red........ After a good laugh we introduced ourselves and got on the plane. Well.....she made some comment just after push back about having a long day and makeup wearing off.......So she was going to dim the lights to make the FA's look better. (Picture a TOTALLY quiet plane, it's dark out......most people are probably starting to nod off. This FA is behind the bulkhead so she can't see me) I start clapping and whistling as loudly as I can!!! Of course I also stop and casually stare out the window before she sees who did it. This was just the beginning....it's only a 53 minute flight but I must have 30 more funny run ins before I got off that plane.

[ChasingBlueSky 0]

On a really rough landing at St Pete the flight attendant says "If you thought that was bad, be glad you didn't land with us in Chicago."

_________________________________________
you can burn the land and boil the sea, but you can't take the sky from me....
I WILL fly again.....

[airtwardo 6]

Back when the cockpit doors were open a bit longer than now...

I was riding a Vegas to LA~ Southwest red eye.

The cockpit door was open as the engines were spooling...we're still at the 'gate'.

On the intercom comes the driver...
"If someone would please remove that kid
from the isle...I could see to back up,
and we'd be on our way!"

Everyone (me too) looked into the isle before cracking up!

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[freakyrat 1]

Here are some more from Southwest. I was on one of their flights to New Orleans a couple years back that made a hard landing in foggy conditions. The flight attendant quipped "that landing was not the Captain's fault, It was not the co-pilots fault, it was the ashphalt.

The other one I heard was this. Smoke detectors are installed in each lavatory. If anyone is caught smoking in the lavatory or disabling the smoke detector were going to ask you to kindly step outside then were going to sing you a chorus of gone with the wind.

[Lizard 0]

Sort of off subject... but when I was with Delta Airlines, we had a guy named Geno, he had been with the company for close to 30yrs and didn't take shit from anyone.. Geno was our operations guy and one day a flight attendant stormed in demanding bags of ice for the airplane, and told him "I remember when service used to be good!". Without missing a beat he looked at her and said, "And I remember when flight attendants were young and pretty." I had to leave to room after that....totally made my day.