lovelife22 0 #1 July 23, 2004 the WORST DAY...can someone tell me some funny, dirty, jokes...anything, MAKE ME LAUGH!!!?? PLEEEZZZEE!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mailin 0 #2 July 23, 2004 After a long flight an international business man solicites a japanese hooker for some evening pleasure. He has a great time and the girl screams many words. The next morning he is meeting with his very important Japanese clients for a round of golf. After one of them gets a near hole in one, the international travler, thinking back to his wild sex night, says "Tang Do" (or some other Japanese Phrase) to which the japanese client replies... "What do you mean 'wrong hole'"? JenArianna Frances Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lovelife22 0 #3 July 23, 2004 Thank you! That was funny!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Shell666 0 #4 July 23, 2004 An elderly woman bought a parrot. The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays. The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there. She bought the parrot and the next week she put him on her shoulder and went off to church. Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around squawked and said, "its goddamned cold in here! Everyone turned to look at her, she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner. The owner offered the following solution "If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 times and return him to your shoulder." So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough just as the sermon started the parrot squawked, "its goddamned cold in here!" Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 times and placed him back on her shoulder. The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said "Pretty fuckin' windy, too." 'Shell'Shell Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mfrese 0 #5 July 23, 2004 The God of Thunder, Thor, decides that he needs a vacation from Valhalla, so he goes to (where else?) Vegas. Shortly after his arrival, he meets a showgirl in a casino, who is so taken with the huge, blond, muscular god that she immediately takes him back to her place, and they proceed to have a night of exquisite passion, with Thor exhibiting the size and sexual prowess one would expect from a god. The next morning, he decides to let her know that she has been privileged to enjoy an encounter with a god, so as she's washing up in the bathroom, he calls out to her "I'm Thor!" She replies "You're Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly pith!" And just for the record, you did say "anything"... Hope your day gets better, Kari, see ya this weekend!Doctor I ain't gonna die, Just write me an alibi! ---- Lemmy/Slash Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ACMESkydiver 0 #6 July 23, 2004 Bwahahaaa!! I have a parrot joke too!!! A young man named Jon received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Jon tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally Jon was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Jon shook the parrot and the parrot got even angrier and more rude. Jon in desperation, threw up his hands and grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly there was total quiet, not a peep was heard. Fearing that he hurt the parrot, Jon quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jon's outstretched arm and said I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for any inappropriate transgressions. I fully intend to do everything I can do to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior". Jon was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, but the bird continued..."May I ask what the chicken did?" I sent that one to Skybytch in a PM...~Jaye Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lovelife22 0 #7 July 23, 2004 "Blonde Thinking..." I don't get it? Ohhh....Ah, now I do! Thank You Mike!!! Ha ha ha!!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Girlfalldown 0 #8 July 23, 2004 Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you. The man asks, Can you unzip my zipper? Bob says, OK. Then the man says, Can you pull it out for me? Bob replies, Uh, yeah, OK. Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him and Bob points for him. He pees and then Bob shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, Thanks, man, I really appreciate it. Bob says, No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis? The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, I don't know, but I ain't touching it. It made me laugh!! Hope your day gets better Kari. -------------- (Do not, I repeat DO NOT, take my posts seriously.) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
PhillyKev 0 #9 July 23, 2004 That was a good one. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FrogNog 1 #10 July 23, 2004 ACME, that is one of my favorites. (In my version, it's a turkey, though.) BK, that is f*cking wrong! -=-=-=-=- Pull. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
diablopilot 2 #11 July 23, 2004 Awwww c'mon now! I'm eating lunch---------------------------------------------- You're not as good as you think you are. Seriously. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #12 July 23, 2004 An old man is sitting on a park bench dabbing a tear from his eye. A passerby asks what is wrong. The old man replies, "Last year my first wife died. I remarried to a stunning woman 30 years younger than me. We have an unbelievable sex life. She is wealthy and supports me. She recently bought me a Porshe that I am test driving today." "So why are you crying?" "I forgot where I live." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lovelife22 0 #13 July 23, 2004 Fricking disgusting...but, damn that's funny!!!! Thanks Girl! And yes, the day is bright'ing up! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skydivexxl 0 #14 July 23, 2004 Any/all of my jokes will get instantly deleted! Blog Clicky Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lovelife22 0 #15 July 23, 2004 Damn you then...You are no good to me!! No good I say!!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lowtimer 0 #16 July 23, 2004 A man comes home from work to find his wife packing a suitcase. "Where the hell are you going?" he asks. She replies, "I just saw on TV about Las Vegas hookers that get 100 dollars for a blow job. I might as well get paid for what I give you for free!" The man puts on his coat, grabs her suitcase, and walks to the car. "What are you doing?" the wife says. "To Vegas with you", the man says. "I wanna see how you live off 200 bucks a year." ---------------------------------- Successfully avoiding adult responsibility since 1978! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skydivexxl 0 #17 July 23, 2004 QuoteDamn you then...You are no good to me!! No good I say!!!! [/zips lips] Blog Clicky Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lovelife22 0 #18 July 23, 2004 you can't make me you can't make me you can't make me!!!!!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #19 July 23, 2004 Two guys are in a supermarket when their carts collide. Bob says, "I'm sorry, I was looking for my wife." "What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate," says Joe. "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?" asks Bob. Joe replies, "She's tall, with long hair, long legs, firm breasts and a magnificent backside. What does your wife look like?" "Never mind," says Bob, "let's look for yours!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
peacefuljeffrey 0 #20 July 23, 2004 QuoteBwahahaaa!! I have a parrot joke too!!! The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jon's outstretched arm and said I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for any inappropriate transgressions. I fully intend to do everything I can do to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior". Jon was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, but the bird continued..."May I ask what the chicken did?" That was great! It's even better if you imagine the parrot talking with the voice of "Sonny," the robot from "I, Robot." --Jeffrey "With tha thoughts of a militant mind... Hard line, hard line after hard line!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
funks 1 #21 July 24, 2004 What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LoudDan 0 #22 July 24, 2004 OK OK OK OK So there are these two guys sitting next to each other on a plane, and they each have a nice shiner on their right eye. So the first guy comments to the second on the likelyhood of this event and asks how the second man got his black eye. The second man responds, "It was a Freudian slip, when I got to the ticket counter this morning, I was attended to by a gorgeous, big chested, female agent. I intended to ask for a ticket to pittsburgh, but slipped and accidentally asked for a ticket to tittsburgh, at which point the agent slugged me in the eye. The first guy exclaims in amazement, I got my black eye because of a Freudian slip as well. I was sitting at breakfast with my wife this morning, and I meant to say "Honey, please pass the corn flakes" but I accidentally said, "You fucking bitch, you've ruinied my life". Go figure. Coming soon to a bowl of Wheaties near you!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lovelife22 0 #23 July 27, 2004 I have a perfect canidate to tell it to!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Cajundude 0 #24 July 27, 2004 QuoteWhat is the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken That is just wrong. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 212 #25 July 27, 2004 QuoteQuoteWhat is the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken That is just wrong. No - it's pretty close. WTF is the Moose Joke?I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
