BIGUN 1,100 #1 February 2, 2005 Got this in an email this morning.. thought I'd share - for all those who've had to experience MRE's - we can relate. I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner. After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten. I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made: I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sauted in shaved garlic and olive oil. In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees. When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks fancy right?) For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila--Ranger Pudding. For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it sells for $4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets of Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt). I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that shit is EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter. She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!" We dug in, and she loved the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner. At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup. Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh"and a resounding but petite f@rt punctuated her utterance of dismay. Let the games begin. She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smell good) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look. After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say "What the hell is WRONG with me???," as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener. Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes. I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks. She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed; I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed. Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can. After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Marine food" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?" After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word. She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't sh!t for 3 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand. It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch. I know, I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny night.Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SkiD_PL8 0 #2 February 2, 2005 That is hillarious! It may have been embarrasing for her but it seems to have broken the ice so to speak. Greenie in training. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ccowden 0 #3 February 2, 2005 Now that's funny shit. I don't care who you are! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GeordieSkydiver 0 #4 February 2, 2005 HAHAHAH Excellent. The scary part is, MRE's are an improvement on the field rations us Brits get...Lee _______________________________ In a world full of people, only some want to fly, is that not crazy? http://www.ukskydiver.co.uk Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Acensky 0 #5 February 2, 2005 Gotta love those MRE's. The first time I went on a field exercise for ROTC they gave us MRE's and the first night the girls bathroom smelt so bad. Everyone had a pasty white face after they came out the bathroom. I still have some of mine, but they are in my truck only for emergencies.Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Randy_H 0 #6 February 2, 2005 I just sprayed coffee all over my monitor! ROTLMAO! 010010010110010101100001011101000111000001110101011100110111001101111001 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ACMESkydiver 0 #7 February 2, 2005 Soooo cruel... I'm looking at an MRE right now by chance. HELL NO I'm not gonna eat it, but it's been sitting up here in our office by the desk for about a year now. Husband brings them home for laughs when they give 'em to him. He'd rather not eat than have these things any more. -On the flip side, I never had any problems at all with MRE's. I never ate a whole one, but still...stronger constitution I guess. ~Jaye Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wmw999 2,167 #8 February 2, 2005 Not a good tactic for a first date. But incredibly funny. Wendy W.There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
gmanpilot 0 #9 February 2, 2005 I've got a case of em' stashed away somewhere...do they even have a shelf life?_________________________________________ -There's always free cheese in a mouse trap. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sid 1 #10 February 2, 2005 QuoteI've got a case of em' stashed away somewhere...do they even have a shelf life? Yep - it's the same as the life of the shelf Pete Draper, Just because my life plan is written on the back of a Hooter's Napkin, it's still a life plan.... right? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #11 February 2, 2005 QuoteMRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat Field rations Never had one, but my buddy refers to them as Meals Rejected by Ethiopians. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
larsrulz 0 #12 February 2, 2005 Actually some do. Back when I was in high school, I went on a canoe trip with my dad and brother and we bought some 3 year old MREs he had sitting around. One was tuna...and boy oh boy did it smell horrible. I think he might have actually tried some, but certain not much! I got a strong urge to fly, but I got no where to fly to. -PF Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ron 7 #13 February 2, 2005 QuoteNever had one, but my buddy refers to them as Meals Rejected by Ethiopians I got some if you want to try one."No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms." -- Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Jefferson Papers, 334 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
prepheckt 0 #14 February 2, 2005 QuoteQuoteNever had one, but my buddy refers to them as Meals Rejected by Ethiopians I got some if you want to try one. I actually like MRE's, they're pretty good."Dancing Argentine Tango is like doing calculus with your feet." -9 toes Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rhino 0 #15 February 2, 2005 Man those pound cakes were AWESOME!! lol During Marine Combat Training "December in North Carolina", damn near below zero.. We used food heaters in our fighting holes to keep warm. You know the ones that you just add water. Cover the bottom of the fighting hole with a poncho, sit on the field packs, you put your feet under the other persons arm pits for warmth and he does the same to you. Keeps the feet a bit warmer.. Cover the top of the fighting hole with another poncho and start a food heater... We were warm as hell. Only drawback was we were soaked from the condensation when we had to get out of the fighting hole.. Had a big bonfire going so we could warm up and dry off. Fun times... Related to MRE's.. lol Rhino Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BIGUN 1,100 #16 February 2, 2005 You don't know how good life is until you've been cold and wet for so long that when you're digging around in your ruck and find a pair of clean dry socks in a ziplock - that its like hitting the Lotto.Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jumper03 0 #17 February 2, 2005 QuoteMan those pound cakes were AWESOME!! lol During Marine Combat Training "December in North Carolina", damn near below zero.. We used food heaters in our fighting holes to keep warm. When where you there?!?!?!?! I did MCT in Dec. of 91 and did the same thing! And screw MREs...never had the runs but man did they constipate better than cheese and crackers. JumpScars remind us that the past is real Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jtval 0 #18 February 2, 2005 LOL thats is hysterical thanks for the story!My photos My Videos Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GeeeeeeFly 0 #20 February 2, 2005 M Meal R Really E Excellent Try eating the crackers with no water in less than a minute.... Hmmmmmmmmmm good byatch.... ~G~ "The edge ... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who know where it is are those that have gone over" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
namgrunt 0 #21 February 2, 2005 HOOAH C-RATS 1967 TO 1969 EVER TRIED lrrp rats? dehidrated green cans ham and limas ham and egs cooked with water added pork slices beef slices yum yum mre,s are much better than c,s59 YEARS,OVERWEIGHT,BALDIND,X-GRUNT LAST MIL. JUMP VIET-NAM(QUAN-TRI) www.dzmemories.com Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
prepheckt 0 #22 February 2, 2005 QuoteHOOAH C-RATS 1967 TO 1969 EVER TRIED lrrp rats? dehidrated green cans ham and limas ham and egs cooked with water added pork slices beef slices yum yum mre,s are much better than c,s No, but I've read about them in books...seriously...about Nam..."Dancing Argentine Tango is like doing calculus with your feet." -9 toes Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
flyingferret 0 #23 February 2, 2005 Dude, that rocks, that is the best thing ever. As soon as I read the bathroom trip, I knew from personal experience what was coming next. Gotta love MRE's. Maybe you can both laugh at someday as the start of the relationship.-- All the flaming and trolls of wreck dot with a pretty GUI. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
prepheckt 0 #24 February 2, 2005 QuoteDude, that rocks, that is the best thing ever. As soon as I read the bathroom trip, I knew from personal experience what was coming next. Gotta love MRE's. Maybe you can both laugh at someday as the start of the relationship. That if she's willing to see you after you destroyed her GI tract.."Dancing Argentine Tango is like doing calculus with your feet." -9 toes Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
flyingferret 0 #25 February 2, 2005 There are so many incorrect ways to comment on it, I will leave it alone.-- All the flaming and trolls of wreck dot with a pretty GUI. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
