I have a 16 year old daughter...

[tumbler 0]

That I am starting to suspect may be up to no good.. or getting herself mixed up with folks that maybe don't have her best interests in mind. I have tried to talk to her about it but get shut down quickly.

I never thought I would be this kind of dad, but I am not sure what else to do...

Does anyone know of a program that will allow me to track her emails?

thanks,

[AlexCrowley 0]

on your machine or hers?

TV's got them images, TV's got them all, nothing's shocking.

[Viking 0]

have you tried checking the "Sent Msg's" folder of her email program? What does she use to send email?

I swear you must have footprints on the back of your helmet - chicagoskydiver
My God has a bigger dick than your god -George Carlin

[pincheck 0]

would say that would be a bad idea. the senario You see something confront her she finds you have been spying, bang goes any trust you had with your daughter.when that trust is gone you will never recover it , Just keep pluggin away and make her understand that you will support her when it all goes petetong

Billy-Sonic Haggis Flickr-Fun

[Mostly_Harmless 0]

I think a better way then spying on your daughter is to make sure that she trust you. Make sure that she knows that you respect her and hopes that she makes the right decisions. If she finds out that you are intruding on her privacy (viewing her emails) prepare for a world of shit. My mother/father never tried to spy on me. Instead they told me that they have a lot of respect for me and woudl hope that I would make the right decision. Them doing that to me gave me pride in what I did. With my parents always letting me know that they respect me and trust me put me in a position where I was honest with them. And that still holds true to today.

_________________________________________
www.myspace.com/termvelocity

[tumbler 0]

Her machine. I tried the looking at the sent messages but she is far more adept than I am, or she never sends any email to anyone...

Not something I am greatly proud of doing but really at a loss. Like any dad, I just want to keep her safe and sometimes that means even from herself.

[Peej 0]

I agree with this. Snooping is imo, the worst thing you can do.

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[SkydiveStMarys 0]

Limit her time time on the PC, block attachments and keep opening that door to her. Ask "?'s", don't make statements. She is at that age where it is uncool to hang with her family and her friends know everything, get to know her friends, ask them "?'s", get to know the friends parents. Make it better to hang out at home rather then somewhere else. Mull around while they are there but try not to butt into their conversations too much. Their thoughts and desires may seem lame compare to what is going on in the world today (poverty, world peace, etc), but don't discount what they are feeling and dealing with. Its a tough row to hoe, good luck and always keep that door open and a light on, on the porch.

Bobbi

A miracle is not defined by an event. A miracle is defined by gratitude.

[daniel_owen_uk 0]

Honestly if she has an ounce of computer literacy, and she is sending mail that she really doesn't want you to see, then without some sort of keylogger you are not gonna find out.

Personally I would strongly recommend not using a keylogger, even if you find out she is up to no good, it will most likely destroy any respect she has for you and thus you won't have any opportunity to make her stop anyway.

That said you might also use one, bust her, she could regret what she has done and change her ways. You know your daughter better than any of us.

__________________

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[AlexCrowley 0]

take her computer away and make her use the family machine in the living room where you can monitor her usage.

Far simpler, you dont need to learn anything and shoot yourself in the foot and you still get to have the 'Oh My God dad! you dont trust me at all! I hate you!' conversation, but without irreperably shattering your relationship with her.

TV's got them images, TV's got them all, nothing's shocking.

[tumbler 0]

I have tried.. and up until 4 months ago (or so) we had a great relationship. I would never have considered this had I not seen a dramatic change in her. She has new "friends" and doesn't hang out with her old ones.. she wont talk to my wife and I at all anymore... we are completely shut out of her life at the moment. Don't really know what else to do..

[flyangel2 2]

Here is my advice as a parent:

Sit your daughter down and tell her that she as your daughter living in your house has no rights. You are the parent and you will go through her room, e-mail, car, or what ever you feel like. She will follow the rules of the house, and if she doesn't like them, she can move out. You after all, pay the house payment, electrical bill, gas bill, and Internet access bill. So, you have every right to check her e-mail.

Set up a password on her computer, that only you know. Then when she wants to log on, she has a limited amount of time on the computer with you sitting near by to watch.

I know it sounds very harsh but trust me, you have to take control. It wasn't always roses for me raising two boys alone. But, I now know every thing I did was worth it. My boys have both turned into great adults. My oldest son came to me a few months ago and thanked me for never giving up on him and being a "hard ass."

You are the parent, not a friend. Stand your ground with her.

May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds. - Edward Abbey

[cocheese 0]

Ask her if she wants to have a beer or get high with you.
If not, tickel her into submission. Kidding
Parenting must be so tough. I don't have a good answer. But there are some good ones here i think.
Never take advice from a guy named Cocheese.

[topper 0]

Why not just use some kind of parental filtering.

This way you get the best of both worlds, firstly you are not spying on her and loosing her trust but then you are also blocking unwanted websites and emails based on profanity\adult text\images etc etc.

If she asks, "it was a freebie recommended by your ISP".

topper.

[squirrel 0]

Quote

Here is my advice as a parent:

Sit your daughter down and tell her that she as your daughter living in your house has no rights. You are the parent and you will go through her room, e-mail, car, or what ever you feel like. She will follow the rules of the house, and if she doesn't like them, she can move out. You after all, pay the house payment, electrical bill, gas bill, and Internet access bill. So, you have every right to check her e-mail.

Set up a password on her computer, that only you know. Then when she wants to log on, she has a limited amount of time on the computer with you sitting near by to watch.

I know it sounds very harsh but trust me, you have to take control. It wasn't always roses for me raising two boys alone. But, I now know every thing I did was worth it. My boys have both turned into great adults. My oldest son came to me a few months ago and thanked me for never giving up on him and being a "hard ass."

You are the parent, not a friend. Stand your ground with her.

i totally agree. you make her life possible. the first time, and i mean the first time my brother disrespected my mother, he got the boot out the door. take her down to some rough side of town, and show here where she will end up if her current behavior continues.

________________________________
Where is Darwin when you need him?

[Taylor610 0]

Don't really know what else to do..
***
I have twin 16 yr daughters. Times can be tough, but they don't have to be.
Church, Academics, sports or other "organized" activities, family, and support of the good things, can all help.

Flyangel2 made some very valid points in her post. Sometimes harsh is what it has to be. Check up on them frequently. Are they where they said they would be? Are they with who they said they would be with? Kids need limits. They need to know that you care and that your decisions are based on wanting good things for their future. You will find that most parents are receptive (maybe even relieved) to get a phone call from you or your wife checking on the plans that have been made by your daughter and her friends.

Let your child know, you will check up on her/him. You will expect cetain behavior from them. You will allow freedom for good behavior, and punishment will be the reward for bad behavior. And be consistant.

Pray about it, with your wife.

[wmw999 2,160]

Quote

take her computer away and make her use the family machine in the living room where you can monitor her usage

I like this one.

Wendy W.
(whose son survived 16)

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[artistcalledian 0]

you're going to have to drop your prices, you can't have your daughter selling drugs cheaper than you

________________________________________
drive it like you stole it and f*ck the police

[AlexCrowley 0]

I only mentioned it because I found having to use a computer in the family room has curbed my pornography habit dramatically.

TV's got them images, TV's got them all, nothing's shocking.

[TCMRigging 0]

Well rest easy there are programs out there to help you out that will not be detected. One in particular logs all keystrokes and records screen shots at intervals you specify. You can set it up to e-mail you the screenshots and key logs. Once you use it a little you will be able to see everything that goes on in chats e-mail and web pages she visits. It does not even show up in the program lists for removal.
http://www.mykeylogger.com/
another useful program and free is VNC. If that computer is on your home network you just need to know the IP address and you can access the computer remotely just like your sitting in front of it.
www.tightvnc.com

Hope that helps..
Chris

[Cudlo 0]

Tough love... sometimes works. Tho, I have seen more kids end up leaving the house than not in this situation. Hell, I ended up leaving the house when I was in high school. 15 years old and running around Chicago, it was too easy. Alot of my friend's parents didn't know, or didnt care what their kids did. I knew a kid, had parties at his parent's house 5 nights a week. His parents, didn't give a damn that it was normal for their house to be filled with upwards of 60 teens doing all types of drugs (weed, X, coke, heroin, everything) and fucking all over their house. It was all too easy to get by when you had those types of friends (you know, the ones that don't have your daughter's best interests at heart).

So.. basically if she has already fallen in within a bad group and shut you out completely, sit down and talk with her, and keep talking to her until she talks too. If you start getting a really bad vibe off the situation taking your wife and her to see a counselor as a group might not be a bad idea.

Side note... Kinda wondering (if this all came out of no where and suddenly) if some event (i.e. traumatic experience) didn't send her down this path (did for most of my friends and I). Even as crazy as teens can be, this situation inspires curiousity.

_________________________________________
"People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid." - Kierkegaard

[AlexCrowley 0]

You might have missed where the original poster mentioned that he wasnt too computer savvy.

Or are you saying I should share my marathon pornucopia downloading sessions?

TV's got them images, TV's got them all, nothing's shocking.

[skymama 35]

Quote

take her computer away and make her use the family machine in the living room where you can monitor her usage.

I'm a hard ass and won't let my kids have computers in their rooms. We have 2 computers that are networked and they are right next to each other in a small den that is open to the rest of the living area. At any time, I can see what is on my kid's screen. It's nice.

She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

[kirrz 0]

Can I please say something before you do anything drastic..

I was like your daughter in my teens- all of a sudden found new friends, spent so much time on the computer & shut my parents out all the time.
My dad who happens to be a computer genius put all these programs on the computer limiting my time on the internet and put all these tracking things so that whatever I was writing in IMs, he could see at work!

I didn't know that he was tracking my behaviour.. but in regards to the limiting program, I just spent a lot of time figuring how to crack it & eventually I did. And then when I found out he was tracking me, it pissed me off so much that I went from bad to worse. And then I found out my mom would go through my stuff everyday & read my diary etc..

I was convinced that I had no privacy whatsoever and tried harder to hide things from my parents. I went out of my way to rebel & probably did things that were more hurtful to them just out of spite. I didn't trust them and they caught me lying.. so trust on both sides was broken for years..

Now, I'm a few years older.. I have the hindsight.. teenagers are like that.. but the more you pry, the more she will hide things. Of course she is going to experiment and rebel a bit - that's part of growing up. You just have to be a bit open-minded and try to establish an honest relationship with her. If you catch her lying, don't go nuts. Have a mature conversation..

It will take some time but eventually you will show her that you aren't as backward as she thinks and that she can be a bit more open with you. Sometimes, if you hear about or she does things that you don't like.. just go with it because those little sacrifices on your part will earn you the greater trust which is what I think you are after.

So please don't be rash.

[kbordson 8]

I was kind of thinking the same thing. Sudden change in 4 months - could mean just the influence of a new peer group, or could mean that something bad happened in the "good" peer group.

Remember, even if they look "clean cut" and "caring" doesn't mean that bad things couldn't have happened.

Talk to her.