I have a 16 year old daughter...

[nerd137 0]

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Does anyone know of a program that will allow me to track her emails?

Gee, that's a fantastic way to generate trust between you and your child. Excellent approach, bravo. Once you reveal that her privacy was a façade, surely she'll promptly become a model teenager again. And the newfound loyalty she's bound to feel toward you will definitely keep her from gravitating even more toward these 'bad people.'

[davelepka 4]

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Excellent approach, bravo. Once you reveal that her privacy was a façade, surely she'll promptly become a model teenager again.

What does a 16 year old girl need to hide from her parents?

Mom can handle the girly stuff, dad can help with the rest. Anything she's hiding from both of them is trouble, and they need to know about it.

[nerd137 0]

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...as long as their in my house, they have no privacy.

I would love to see how well you and your kid relate when she becomes an adult. I didn't speak to my father for many years because of this kind of shit parenting.

[wmw999 2,167]

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Gee, that's a fantastic way to generate trust between you and your child

Trust is a 2-way street, and right now she has no trust from him, and he's scared. A parent scared for their child's future is a very powerful entity. He's not an asshole -- if he were an asshole he wouldn't have noticed that her behavior changed noticeably at the start of this school year.

But yes, new school year, new friends can really change a kid. When my son was 11 we changed schools with a 1-week decision period; he was absolutely miserable, and a change of direction worked really well for him.

I still like the idea of moving the computer into the family room. It requires interaction and presence, and those are the things that will build the relationship back up anyway.

But it is a 2-way street. It's not ALL on the parent. The parent has the responsibility, but part of the daughter's growing up is her ability to take some responsibility for the relationship.

Wendy W.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[Merrick 0]

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...as long as their in my house, they have no privacy.

I would love to see how well you and your kid relate when she becomes an adult. I didn't speak to my father for many years because of this kind of shit parenting.

Hmmm... and I'm sure you were the model kid, never kept anything from your dad... I'm sure you never gave him any reason not trust you.

Someone else summed it up perfectly.... if a 16 year old girl is keeping something from her parents it's trouble... they're the first that need to know about it.

Blues!
Merrick

[PhreeZone 15]

Actually.. I was pretty much the model kid. Eagle Scout , Honor Roll, the whole deal. I kept a lot of things from my parents (some legal, some illegal). I still do. I gave them lots of reasons not to trust me when I was growing up. But my mom extended me trust and respect as long as I followed her rules. My dad gave me no respect and no privacy and to this day I still do not respect him.

What you do today has costs that you might not know for years to come.

Yesterday is history
And tomorrow is a mystery

Parachutemanuals.com

[Channman 2]

Yea, I agree snooping is not a good idea. For example the parents of the Columbine killers, they saw no need to snoop on their sons and everything turned out just as they planned.

All in all everything went peachy.

Your a parent so be a parent, your not your daughters best friend if she is involving herself in things that could lead to her distroying her life.

She lives in your home and your responsible for her well fair. She will respect you more if you take a stand and are consistant. Love her and let her no you love her, but that you will not tolerate her being disrespectful, monitor her email traffic, it might just save her.

[LuvToFly 0]

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Here is my advice as a parent:

Sit your daughter down and tell her that she as your daughter living in your house has no rights. You are the parent and you will go through her room, e-mail, car, or what ever you feel like. She will follow the rules of the house, and if she doesn't like them, she can move out. You after all, pay the house payment, electrical bill, gas bill, and Internet access bill. So, you have every right to check her e-mail.

Set up a password on her computer, that only you know. Then when she wants to log on, she has a limited amount of time on the computer with you sitting near by to watch.

I know it sounds very harsh but trust me, you have to take control. It wasn't always roses for me raising two boys alone. But, I now know every thing I did was worth it. My boys have both turned into great adults. My oldest son came to me a few months ago and thanked me for never giving up on him and being a "hard ass."

You are the parent, not a friend. Stand your ground with her.

Definitely wholeheartedly agree -

I have actually known a couple who took the no-snoop advice and turns out their daughter was arranging to meet a much older boy/man. The bottom line is, she is not around anymore - permanently.

When it comes to matters of your child's possible safety or vicitmization, nothing is off limits. It's your job to protect her, even if she hates you for it. You may help her to live long enough to become a parent herself, where she will finally understand the love in what you did for her.

TOM

"The helicopter approaches closer than any other to fulfillment
of mankind's ancient dreams of a magic carpet" - Igor Sikorsky

[tumbler 0]

We do the best we can do.

Tonight my wife and I will talk about the next move with her. I think no matter what I will put some kind of monitoring agent on her computer. I also really like the idea of moving it to the family room.

I wish there was a book or manual to follow.. should would make times like this easier.

Was asked a couple times what it is that has changed. It is a little hard to quantify. Once clear change, subtle yet clear, is at supper time. We would all talk at supper and share our days events, good bad and ugly. Usually good... now her reply to what happened today is "nothing". This is just one small example of a change.. something different that has me concerned.

Thank you for all the PM's and words of wisdom.

Tom

[philly51 0]

I agree with the "tough" approach, not the "spy" approach. Once caught, it's the end. Keep plugging away at the communicating thing. In time, your daughter will be amazed as to how smart you became between the time she was 16 and the time when she becomes 21.

Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, Shouting "...holy shit...what a ride!"

[wmw999 2,167]

OK, I agree with the post, but, well, your sigline is probably what the father doesn't want his daughter to do yet

Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, Shouting "...holy shit...what a ride!"

Wendy W.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[stoneycase 0]

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Besides, most key loggers are picked up with anti-spyware and anti-virus programs.

although this may be true for some of the freeware keyloggers, especially the old ones out there, it isn't true for most of the commercial apps, including that app i provided a link to: (from their site)

"Stealth Mode: Stealth technology ensures that Spector Pro is completely protected from everyone except those with authorized access. It will not appear in the Windows System Tray, Desktop, Task Manager or Add/Remove Programs Menu. It will not be detected by anti-virus or anti-spy software."

i learned a long time ago, as i suspect you probably did phree, that if i had physical access to a machine, there were very few, if any limitations as to what i could do with it (given the time, inclination, and correct tools). if you want a basic solution, install the keylogger, run the antispy/antivirus and let it get detected. create a rule within the antispy/antivirus software to "always allow" and unless your daughter goes rooting through pre-existing rules she won't notice any difference. you only need the keylogger for maybe a day or two anyway, just long enough to grab what you need. i guess what i'm trying to say here is that as long as you have the will, there is a way. but phree is correct, the opposite holds true as well. if your daughter is smart enough, and puts the time in, there is a chance she could find the keylogger, or anything else for that matter.

my .02: she's 16, using a computer in your home to "do things you don't approve of". my guess is you probably paid for that computer. you probably also pay the utility bill that keeps it turned on, and the telephone/cable bill that provides the internet access. it's yours to do with as you please.

LBJ once said, "Every man should know that his conversations, his correspondence, and his personal life are private." unfortunately that hasn't been true for a very long time, and we need only look at current events and the actions of our current Commander in Chief as it relates to domestic wiretaps to understand that privacy isn't so "private" anymore. in my opinion, your daughter does NOT have a reasonable expectation of privacy while using the computer in your home.

Does whisky count as beer? - Homer
There's no justice like angry mob justice. - Skinner
Be careful. There's a limited future in low pulls - JohnMitchell

[ncfitzge 0]

I agree with everyone here on the point that you shouldn't spy.

But if it comes down to it, get XP Server and client. With that you can set up email server, which gives you full access to sent and receive. Make it so she can't put programs on the computer. Install keyloggers.

There are plenty of tools that will make a your computer primary and hers secondary. But you have to be careful with these type of programs, as they can be used against you.

Also, once you do this kind of stuff, she will find another way to send info, such as, Steganography (hiding video/mp3/txt in pictures).

I can give you more tips if you want. Just send me a PM.

Fitz

#148 Sonic Scrat
"Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the eyes?" Woodpecker pulling out his pants pockets to the waitress

[DJL 232]

I have a question for everyone thinking about this scenario. Right now there's about a 6 to 1 ratio of people saying that you shouldn't spy on your daughter, with several in the minority crowd making reference to Columbine kids or other fantastic occurances.

I know you were asking for advice, but what do you think of that? Also, it sounds like some people had some good suggestions, what do you think of those. Also, what does your kid do with her free time? Any sports or personal interests or is it MTV and the mall? It's never too late for music lessons or outdoor camps.

For you veteran parents, what would be some alternatives? Move to a different area, military school, a convent?

"I encourage all awesome dangerous behavior." - Jeffro Fincher

[nerd137 0]

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Hmmm... and I'm sure you were the model kid, never kept anything from your dad... I'm sure you never gave him any reason not trust you.

Someone else summed it up perfectly.... if a 16 year old girl is keeping something from her parents it's trouble... they're the first that need to know about it.

For the purposes of my point in this conversation, my teenage behavior is irrelevant. What I'm trying to communicate is that parenting with an iron fist is not, in my experience as a teenager, conducive to a relationship based on love and trust. Instead, it breeds resentment and bitterness. It took a long time for the ice to thaw between me and my dad.

[airtwardo 6]

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in my experience, conducive to a relationship based on love and trust

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Do you have teenage children?

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[RhondaLea 3]

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For the purposes of my point in this conversation, my teenage behavior is irrelevant. What I'm trying to communicate is that parenting with an iron fist is not, in my experience, conducive to a relationship based on love and trust. Instead, it breeds resentment and bitterness. It took a long time for the ice to thaw between me and my dad.

Neither the "iron fist" model nor the "do what you want" model are very successful with children.

They need...even crave...limits, but they also need room to grow and make choices if they're to be useful adults.

A lot has been written on this subject, and I would advise any parent who is having a problem to get some professional help to work it out.

Parents need to walk a fine line; the consequences last a lifetime.

rl

If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb

[KidWicked 0]

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Does anyone know of a program that will allow me to track her emails?

Watch out, that might set a precedent. She might go snooping on your computer and find all your pornography.

Coreece: "You sound like some skinheads I know, but your prejudice is with Christians, not niggers..."

[DJL 232]

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Do you have teenage children?

Jim, I think that's almost a pointless question..almost. That's the tone I hear from contractors I work with who can't do anything new, "I've been doing this for 20 years and I never..." When I was coaching lacrosse I had 10 new 16 year olds a year. Some were saints, many had bad grades or troublesome subjects, one was arrested for stealing from a house one day and a car the next day to make good on a gambling debt, others for drugs, several got in trouble for alcohol, vandalism...you name it. A lot of those were just highschool kids making mistakes, but we're not talking about that. In most of the bad cases it came down to some really shitty parenting. One kid's only interaction with his parents was dinner left in the oven; that was the gambling debt kid. A lot of those kids came to me and the other coaches to talk about problems with their parents. I've seen more shitty parents than shitty kids. Having a 16-year-old doesn't mean that you therefore can handle a 16-year-old. Neither does me not having children mean that I don't know that spying on your child is a shortsighted idea. I just know bad when I see it.

Have parents really become so lazy that they can't even come up with something better than invading their child's life? Have you all lost the stones to make things happen in your own house? Have you lost the ability or interest to see what's going on in their world? You are their teacher, do your job. Help with their homework, go on a trip, offer something to your child that she can only achieve by staying out of trouble. Because seriously, why would you not do something fun if the consequence has no bearing on your life.

"I encourage all awesome dangerous behavior." - Jeffro Fincher

[LuvToFly 0]

Regarding some of people's comments that have posted on this thread, while I am sure well-intentioned, it is impossible to know what it is like to parent children if you have never done it.

Only when you are responsible for them 24 x 7 do you know how high a calling that is. Only when their safety and well-being are in your hands do you know that unique blend of joy, guilt, love, worry, pride and a host of other emotions you will go through as a caring parent. Only when your patience and endurance have been tested to the wall will you know what it takes. When you have worried about each time they hurt themselves, held their heads when they got sick, or nursed them back to health while sacrificing huge portions of your life gladly for them will you understand how-gut wrenching it is to be concerned about your kids making choices with dire consequences. Kids can run circles around most adults when it comes to absorbing knowledge, but often leave common sense on the door step each day.

We're talking about the toughest job in the world to do well because you cannot put yourself first and be a great parent. It's easy to co-habitate, it's another thing to try to turn out great kids that grow into great adults.

So it should be said that I applaud you even paying enough attention to your kids to notice that they changed. You have no idea how many parents are so busy doing their own thing that they would not even notice significant changes, let alone subtle ones.

"The helicopter approaches closer than any other to fulfillment
of mankind's ancient dreams of a magic carpet" - Igor Sikorsky

[DJL 232]

And hopefully those who can't handle it will use birth control.

From our friends at Planned Parenthood:
Rubbers and Pills R US

.

"I encourage all awesome dangerous behavior." - Jeffro Fincher

[ACMESkydiver 0]

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I think a better way then spying on your daughter is to make sure that she trust you.

Hell no. Spy on her. Then report it to dateline news.

~Jaye
Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action.

[RevJim 0]

I agree with everything Rhonda said here, except for that last line.

On occasion, an intervention might be needed, but how would you ever know? Some times the only way to know for sure is to go the 'covert' route.

My 14 year old son was distancing himself like your daughter. Try as I might, I just couldn't break through. I used SoftForYou Free Keylogger (http://www.snapfiles.com/get/sfyklg.html) found his passwords, checked his email, printed, and turned it over to the police. 2 death threats and a bomb threat 'in the making' were uncovered.

The police were the intervention needed. He has straighted up and though he is far from a saint, I worry much less about his extracurricular activities.

And yes, I still use that program on all computers in this household (we have 6).

It's your life, live it!
Karma
RB#684 "Corcho", ASK#60, Muff#3520, NCB#398, NHDZ#4, C-33989, DG#1

[NewGuy2005 51]

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Here is my advice as a parent:

Sit your daughter down and tell her that she as your daughter living in your house has no rights. You are the parent and you will go through her room, e-mail, car, or what ever you feel like. She will follow the rules of the house, and if she doesn't like them, she can move out. You after all, pay the house payment, electrical bill, gas bill, and Internet access bill. So, you have every right to check her e-mail.

Set up a password on her computer, that only you know. Then when she wants to log on, she has a limited amount of time on the computer with you sitting near by to watch.

I know it sounds very harsh but trust me, you have to take control. It wasn't always roses for me raising two boys alone. But, I now know every thing I did was worth it. My boys have both turned into great adults. My oldest son came to me a few months ago and thanked me for never giving up on him and being a "hard ass."

You are the parent, not a friend. Stand your ground with her.

***

Flayangel is absolutely right. You need to completely disregard all these folks who are worried about "losing trust" with your daughter. It's already gone. What you need to be concerned with is her welfare and safety. Curtail her activities and intrude into all aspects of her life and don't let anyone discourage you.

[NewGuy2005 51]

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take her computer away and make her use the family machine in the living room where you can monitor her usage.

I'm a hard ass and won't let my kids have computers in their rooms. We have 2 computers that are networked and they are right next to each other in a small den that is open to the rest of the living area. At any time, I can see what is on my kid's screen. It's nice.

***
Right on!! Only one TV, one computer, one stereo in our house. No one gets to "hide." I know every song they listen to, every show they watch, every friend they talk to. Just bought XM satelite radio so they won't have to listen the garbage on the the top 40 stations.

We are not total Nazis. We make sure they have plenty of fun, too. However, they know what we expect from them and they know that we won't get off their case until we get it.