0
Michele

I went to Perris today

By Michele, in The Bonfire

Recommended Posts

Michele    1

Michele
I had to. If I wasn't going to jump again, I needed to know that. And the only way I was going to be able to make that decision was to get to Perris, and see if I could control myself enough to jump.
Last night, I decided that I would take any of the onus off my instructors and keep myself at level 3. If I were going to jump, there were going to be certain things I wanted: Ed White as main side jumpmaster, I would jump at the time I wanted to, and to stay at level 3. I then raced around my house, cleaning and tidying, because if something is going to happen, I just won't have people seeing my house this messy.
This morning, I am sitting on my sofa really tripping out. I am shaking, I did not sleep well last night (all of about 3 hours, and that was tossing and turning), and I am not going to eat anything, because I am so nervous I think it's all going to....well, I just didn't eat. "The hardest part is getting out the door", except this time is my back door that I am standing in front of. Oh for pete's sake, one foot in front of the other, just go, and out I am, and I am now in my car, and George Winston is playing on the CD and I get on the freeway and I am NOT going to think about this, and I am not going to stop this car. And I paste a silly grin onto my face, and accelerate down the highway, pretending that I want to do this.
And then I turn onto Goetz Road, and George is still playing on the CD, and I see these great patches of color in the sky, and they are having fun, swirling and turning and dancing in the air, and this is what I have come to do. I pull into a spot, and just watch these guys flying, and then out I get, and down to the school, and I can't breathe and it's hot and I am truly frightened.
I walk into the office, and say hi to everyone. I tell Jo I want to see if I can jump today, and she asks "Sure, you want Ed?". "Yes", I say, "and I am repeating level 3".
I get out to the bleachers, and sit there, just listening to the family members of students and tandem people, and see them all not understanding what it is like up there, and how frightened they are (and they're on the ground), and how sorry I am that they will most likely not get in the air, and then I realize that I would feel sorry for myself if I didn't get back into the air, and so I decide again that I am jumping, and I will get back in the air.
I see Ed land his chute, and watch him as he realizes I'm sitting there. He comes over and says "so you had a cut away. How are you?" and I walk away from the suddenly quiet family members so they won't hear me (they don't need to be any more frightened), and I tell him what happened. He pats my back, and I tell him I am jumping with him today, and ask if that's o.k., and he laughs and says of course and then he has to go and I am called into the school for the harness room stuff.
Dennis meets me, and we go into the harness room, and I hop into a harness, and he's talking to me, and I'm getting really shaky and I wonder if this is really going to happen or will I panic and just not get in the plane. And I ask him if he's going up with me to determine if I am airworthy, and he gruffly explains that I am airworthy but it still feels like I am 16 again and in the principal's office. We go over and over and over the drills and then I go lay down on that piano mover thing, and I arch and I can't believe it but it feels good, and we rehearse the manuvers, and Dennis says let's suit up and my belly drops into my shoes and my eyes cross.
We are manifested onto Shark Air 12 (I would not have gotten on #13); Ed comes over and we are talking there, and I ask him if he thinks I did anything wrong and he reassures me that I didn't and that I did everything right, and that sometimes things happen and you have to do what I did, and that it was bad luck that it happened so early but good that it happened so early, and this just makes me want to cry so I drink more water instead.
I get into the smurff suit with handles, and someone gets the radio over my head and the helmet and goggles are handed to me and I sling the chute on my back and we start walking down and I had never realized how long that walk really is (about 47 miles), and we have a 10 mintue call and I close my eyes and struggle to keep breathing regularly, and not to burst into tears or pee in my pants. We walk over to the plane, and I have to hold onto the stair handle so I can pull myself up because my feet are not working anymore because I know that if I get in, and then ride the plane down it's over, I won't come back, and this is it for good and for always. One way or the other the decision will be made here and now. So I smile, and pretend I am a skydiver, and buckle the belt and we're right by the door, and I ask Ed are we going out first and he says no, these guys are, and then I have to ride the plane looking at the ground it is so far down there, and the door is open in front of me and I just close my eyes and try not to start shrieking and getting sick.
Dennis is laying in the doorway, and reminds me to breathe and shut my eyes, to imagine the dive in my head so I obediently close my eyes but I can't imagine the dive and all I see is me spinning again and I open my eyes, and reach out and grab Ed's knee, and then hold his hand and ask Ed please don't let go of me and he laughs and says he won't. I look up and see the other instructors looking at me with sympathy and encouragement and some of the tandem students are thumbs-up to me, and now it's time and the green light turns on, and the two guys go out backwards, and now it's my turn. I turn off my mind; my body knows what to do to get me out the door. When I'm in the air I'll think again.
I pretend that my feet are someone else's and watch them move to the door. I stare at Dennis' feet, and line mine up. Look into Ed's eyes, and ready set go and we are out and I have jumped and I am flying again and I am arching hard and levelling off and I touch the cord, and do the circle of awareness and get thumbs up from both guys and then Dennis is in front of me and now a left turn, shit, I can do this, and then a left turn, and then a right turn, and then a left turn and now it's 6k and no more, and I look up and Dennis is looking at me and smiling and I smile back and I feel the wind on my face and the speed of my descent and feel the pressure on my lower legs and I love this feeling and now it's 5k and I signal. I reach back and I grab the cord and I tug and gently toss it into the air and I am sitting up and I look up and there is line twists again. And my stomach flops. And my arms reach up, and press out, and hold them there, here comes the slider, then the toggles are in my hands, and I turn left then right then flare and I can see other people in the air and I look for Ed's chute and I see it and I turn around a little too hard scaring myself and look up and the canopy is still there and now I am dancing in the wind, and flying with the birds; I am floating in the breath of God.
I look at the sights; I am here again, and this time it went right, and it is a miracle I made it out the door and my mouth is dry and I breathe deeply and smell the heat and the dirt. I look to see which way the wind is blowing and I cruise over the target at about 1200 and I swing to the left then the right, and then it's time to cross the wind and I hit turbulence and it's fine, I don't care, and now to set up for the landing and if I can get out of the plane I can stand this sucker up and walk it out and on the radio I hear Ed say "hi there, girly" and I wave my legs at him and he laughs in my ear. "Turn a little more right" and then I am coming closer and I look at the horizon and wait to kick the guy in the head and then Ed says flare, and I go halfway, and then all the way, and I am going back into the air and I stretch my legs out and I am touching the ground and I stand it up and I walk it out and I do a little Snoopy happy dance and shout with joy, and Ed shouts back, and I get the chute in my arms and get over to Ed and hug him tight, and he says "good job" and I say damn tootin', and we crack up. We walk back in and there's Dennis and he says good job and I just grin like a fool.
And Ed's standing there, and I am so proud of myself, and everything is so calm and peaceful and I am not hurting anywhere, and I didn't break a nail or a leg and I landed my main and it was perfect and Ed officially passes me to level 4 and I am going to do that on Friday next week. And Ed says I am progressing perfectly and that I am a natural which makes me wonder what that means, but I don't care, because I had gotten out the door and into the air and I danced in the sky.
I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just thought you'd like to know. :)bleau cieux

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

FreeflyPlaymate    0

FreeflyPlaymate
Michele,
My hat is off to you. I want to almost slap ya, but in a very good way. If you EVER say you may think that you aren't airworthy...please refrain.
#1 You are taking whatever your faults may be into consideration.
#2 there haev been jumpers unable to cut away after hundreds if not thousands of jumps because they freaked out. The fact that you at 3 jumps cut away and came back...shows us...the rest of us, just a simple little taste of how big your heart is for the sky.
I don't know you personally...but if I run accross you make sure I give you a hug...in 175 jumps I've always had a perfect chute, with the exception of very very mild line twists...I hope I react exactly like yourself.
After a malfunction...it's normal to have less trust...if that even is the correct word. i am so proud of you to get back into the air, we missed you when you were gone!!!
**BLUE ONES**
BITE ME.... :P

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Donna    0

Donna
Oh, Michele!! That is so great! I was so excited when I saw your post listed and I was on the edge of my seat reading it. You are a terrific writer. I felt I was right there with you. I am SO happy for you and very proud of you. It took a lot of courage to work through your fears and get out there and jump. You did it!! Congrats!! Girls kick ass!
Please keep writing about your jumps. We all look forward to reading about them and you will be glad you did and will love looking back reading them someday. I have the feeling you will go far!
Skies,
D :P

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Zennie    0

Zennie
It takes a lot of courage to do what you've done. You didn't let fear take control of your life. You stuck it out and overcame it. You should be proud of yourself!
Keep up the good work & soon you'll be fun jumping with everyone else. :)------------
Blue Skies!
Zennie

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

AggieDave    6

AggieDave
I'm so very happy for you, though I'm sorry that you had a Mal so early in your jumping career. I know what you went through, sort of. During my student days (static line, though) I saw a skydiving accident at my DZ and it sort of shook me up. Though I knew I loved being in the air, I would be a wreck the entire way to altitude and once I was under canopy all I wanted to do was get to the ground as quickly (safely) as I could. When the door would open or if I was looking out the window or door, I would swear that this would be my last jump, once I landed I would leave the DZ and never come back. That was said to myself on almost every jump up until about #35 or so (to give you an idea, I only now have 51 jumps), but every time I landed, all I wanted to do was go back up in the air. Even though it took me a while, now I love it, absolutely love it. It ended up that I spotted the last 8 loads or so that I've been on (no GPS here in small-dz-Texas :) and when the 2 minutes was called and I called door and got to open it, I was happy beyond belief. I couldn't believe it, I'd swing my feet out so I could see (sitting against the instruments in a c-182 makes it hard to spot...) give the spot and climb out. All with a big smile on my face. The fear is gone, though I am still safety minded, and I'm having the most fun I think I've ever had. What a great sport we have!
AggieDave '02
-------------
Blue Skies and Gig'em Ags!
BTHO t.u.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

nimbus    0

nimbus
I've just begun to jump - Lvl one April 22 2001, lvl two 17 June... I'm up to lvl three and am having real trouble controlling my fear of jumping out the door. My first try at Lvl 2 I didn't get out of the plane.... and now last weekend when I tried Lvl 3 I couldn't even get in the plane... I clambered up the steps and started crawling over to my JM who was about one person out from behind the pilot's seat... the plane was packed - we have a Cessna Caravan that can take 17, and I think it was a full load - and just looking in there I felt claustrophobic and panicked, my body & mind seized up and I looked around at all the expectant faces (most of them smiling at me) and said "Can I chicken out now?" Most laughed (not uproariously, just in a kind of understanding way), and I said "no, really"... my JMs kept telling me I could do it, just relax, I knew I could do it etc.... but I just said "Sorry" and swung back to the door feeling so folorn and stupid I almost started crying. Well I did shed one or two tears later when I had walked away from the dz building to look at a field of some agricultural product that was bright green and dancing in the breeze, but just one or two...
You give me so much inspiration with your tales, especially going back to re-do Lvl 3 after your mal. All I had was line twists on my Lvl 2, which I corrected automatically, no panic in my mind, in fact I almost enjoyed seeing them as I remember thinking "Oh! line twists! I know what to do about that!" and just did it, but to keep going after having a mal so early like you did is truly fantastic. I'm so pleased your 2nd attempt turned out well, with a stand-up landing and a beautiful canopy that became your friend and helped you down. I just keep thinking of how much I love the canopy ride, how peaceful it is up there, how I feel like a feather or a cloud and how the ground twirls beneath you and everything in your life draws together and melts away and you're just left with yourself and you know you can trust that self and you know how glorious life truly is.
I think that's what skydiving is teaching me - to trust myself. When you have that trust in yourself you know you will still be okay even if bad things happen in life (I mean all of life, not just skydiving!), you will still keep your own centre of gravity even if everything is spiralling out of control around you.
This is such a journey for me and I know I will get there and then keep going as now I've been up in that big blue sky I just want to be there again.
So congratulations on passing Lvl 3 and keep believing in yourself. I'm amazed at how supportive and open-hearted most skydivers are. The genuine emotional responses to your posts are heart-warming. After I had chickened out of my jump last Sunday, people came up to me and spoke to me about it, telling me not to worry, that if I wanted to do this I would find a way, telling me they'd all been scared at some point, and sometimes still were, pointing out that if I was uncertain I made the right decision to not jump and that when I was ready I would know. And I believe this. I will know in my heart when I make my fear a friend and not an enemy and I will feel that the sky is welcoming me.
Well done and all the best Michele.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

DZBone    0

DZBone
A natural, that's for damn sure.
That fear you are feeling is your intelligence telling you that you are doing something dangerous. It's what is making you so alert and aware of what you are doing. It is your friend, and so are we!
You go, girl!

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Michele    1

Michele
You guys are sooooo amazing and incredible and supportive.
I just wanted to tell you, you were all with me when I got suited up, and in the plane, and out the door, and in the sky and landed (who says top heavy's can't land and stand...lol) and walked it out. You were all there, and so Thank you, again and for always, thank you. If I had been alone, without all the support from you guys, I may not have gotten up into the air again. Thank you (Sangiro, thank you again.....three cheers, and four beers for you!)
And just for the record, my school hasn't and won't tell me who the rigger was who packed my reserve (because it's a team, and they did their job), and they won't let me buy the chute (because I might fixate on it). They said that the only thank you they needed was to see my face again. (As if that were enough of a Thank you!!!!!!)
And I still have that "I DID IT" feeling. Friday won't come fast enough.......level 4, here I come!
bleau cieux -
Michele

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

GeekStreak    0

GeekStreak
Quote

Friday won't come fast enough.......level 4, here I come!

That's the spirit!!
Michelle,
You are an inspiration to all of us students! Thank you SO MUCH for sharing you jumps with us!
So you use the "kick in the head" landing technique too? It's much easier to visualize than 6 feet of air. ;)
1111,
GeekStreak

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

phatcat    0

phatcat
Michelle, THANK YOU!! I’m a struggling skydiver (haven’t jumped in two years) and I’m waiting to do it again, and that post was just so awesome!! After reading every word you said I was like “hey, I remember that!!!”, and I swear my heart rate must have at least doubled. It’s so exciting, isn’t it!?! I gotta restart AFF to get back in the air, and since fear has been such an obstacle it is sincerely such a HUGE motivation to read stories like that. I like what you said about driving to the DZ. It’s funny looking back on it, I remember having to force my brain away from thinking about it and just to keep on going. I’m going to have to go through that again, so I’m glad I’m not the only one :)
Quote


I AM A SKYDIVER - THIS IS WHAT SKYDIVERS DO; THEY GET OUT OF THE GODDAM DOOR

That’s from another post of yours, but I swear to whatever god you believe in that that is the coolest quote I’ve ever gotten from anywhere. As the “chicken shit to door butterfly god” that I am, I think I’m going to have to try that way of thinking, cause it’s just so true. Thank’s again Michelle, and keep up with those detailed posts, you are great at writing them. You’re level 4 is going to be awesome, I can just tell. Oh yeah, HAVE FUN!!
Josh
P.S. That “I did it!” feeling – that’s what I remember more than anything, hearing people like you talk about it is what keeps me obsessed about this crazy assed “jumping out of airplanes” thing that most people will never understand.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

SkymonkeyONE    3

SkymonkeyONE
Glad you got it over with. As an instructor I quite often get to see that aprehension you experienced. I have had students that, for one reason or another, have had as many as three reserve rides during their student training. Some stuck it out, some took up golf. The ones that stick it out are always better off in the long run because they have already experienced that most-feared moment in skydiving; the cutaway. Not really a big deal at all, but you just DON'T know until you actually have to pull those handles.
Anyway, great narrative!
Chuck

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

skybytch    259

skybytch
nimbus - can you afford to jump more often? I think it might help you make those butterflies fly in formation instead of taking over. Not being current - even if it's only been a couple of weeks - can make very experienced jumpers feel the fear again; at your level there is still so much fear to overcome (even without a long time period between jumps) it can truly be overwhelming.
Hang in there! I know you can get into and out of that plane next time. Let us know how much fun you have when you go!
pull and flare,
lisa

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

DiverDown    0

DiverDown
Quote

The ones that stick it out are always better off in the long run because they have already experienced that most-feared moment in skydiving; the cutaway. Not really a big deal at all, but you just DON'T know until you actually have to pull those handles.

What has really moved me while reading Michele's thread concerning the cutaway was how strongly it affected her and her strength in getting through it. For some people it's getting in the door. For some, relaxing in freefall. For Michele it was this cutaway. Fear, or more correctly, your response to that fear, is the real killer when you engage in any dangerous activity. I'm sorry to say that I've seen it numerous times in scuba diving. Getting tangled in a kelp bed for example. No big deal, yet I know those who have drowned because they panicked. Having a high pressure hose break 50 feet underwater. No big deal, yet because they panicked and held their breath while racing to the serface their lungs ruptured. In either case, staying calm and performing as they were trained would have saved their life. I'm sure everyone knows similiar sad stories. In my line of work we refer to any traumatic event as a critical incident. What might be no big deal for one person can have a dramatic effect on another in the same situation. Pulling through the aftermath can be the hardest part. Thats when you later ponder the what if's and give your fear another shot at gaining control. Michele is a total winner on both counts. She controlled her fear during the event and then overcame it to move on. I've never had the pleasure of meeting you Michele but I want you to know how very proud I am of you. I can't wait to hear about the rest of your jumps!
Jonathan
~ Go big or go home! ~

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
0
Go To Topic Listing