antifnsocial 0 #1 May 31, 2006 I am a clutz. I never know what to say. I always say the wrong thing. I'm not very nice normally. I wish I could make people feel better.Please feel free to reply to my posts and pm's, but only if you're smart enough to understand what they really mean. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Icon134 0 #2 May 31, 2006 meh... welcome to the club... ok... so I'm thinking I'm demonstrating it well here...Livin' on the Edge... sleeping with my rigger's wife... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
micro 0 #3 May 31, 2006 can I ask some honest questions? if they are intrusive or out of line, feel free to stomp on my wee wee. why are not very nice normally? how are you not nice? do you have a habit of just saying what immediately comes to mind w/o editing or censoring or considering what the other person might think? how does your post relate to your screen name? I miss Lee. And JP. And Chris. And... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
NWFlyer 2 #4 May 31, 2006 I find "I'm thinking about you" is always an appropriate thing to say. Sometimes people need to say something and they end up saying something that is (often unintentionally) insensitive. Offering to do specific things to help is also good. Instead of "call me if you need anything" say "I'd like to bring over dinner on Tuesday" or "What can I do to help with the arrangements?" is also good."There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
antifnsocial 0 #5 May 31, 2006 stomp (sniff)Please feel free to reply to my posts and pm's, but only if you're smart enough to understand what they really mean. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
antifnsocial 0 #6 May 31, 2006 Hope baby is okay.Please feel free to reply to my posts and pm's, but only if you're smart enough to understand what they really mean. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
micro 0 #7 May 31, 2006 Quotestomp (sniff) you missed... my name's not micro for nuttin. didn't mean to pry. sorry if i did... and baby is doin ok. thx. edit to add... see, you're not that mean, you expressed a nice sentiment about my baby! I miss Lee. And JP. And Chris. And... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RhondaLea 3 #8 May 31, 2006 QuoteI am a clutz. I never know what to say. I always say the wrong thing. I'm not very nice normally. I wish I could make people feel better. Somehow, I think you're being too hard on yourself. I can relate to "never knowing what to say," because I don't. Everything I do say sounds really lame to my own ears, and it probably is, just by virtue of the fact that it's all been said before. (And I'm pretty sure that some people are utterly disbelieving about the above, but writing a post is a whole lot different from making conversation. I can get testimonials. Trust me.) But as awkward as you feel, sometimes what is heartfelt is best, because no matter how clumsy it may seem to you, most of us know when the feeling is sincere. I know you believe that the third line of your post is true, but it's not true, just from what I've seen from you here. And the fourth line of your post brought tears to my eyes. rl Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
MaalStar 0 #9 May 31, 2006 All things End. Im sorry for your loss and mt cincere condolences goes to friends and the family of Shannon. Sadly missed I'm Sure God Bless Y'all The Game we enter is a Dangerous one. Blue Sky'S Forever Missed. Peace Love and Harmony Empathy Is something you lesrn. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SkydiveStMarys 0 #10 May 31, 2006 "I never know what to say." What does one say when one is at a loss for words? Just be in the moment, but most of all feel the feelings and not try to put them in words...yet. Feelings are much more important then words at a difficult time. To feel a hug or a touch is much more comforting then saying "I am sorry." Sometimes when you try to say what you mean...it doesn't come out right and most times you don't really say what you mean. Just some random thoughts. BobiA miracle is not defined by an event. A miracle is defined by gratitude. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
steveorino 7 #11 May 31, 2006 Foe most people, there are no "right" words to say at a time of mourning. Few things said will take away the pain. The ministry of "being there" is far better than words. steveOrino Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #12 May 31, 2006 QuoteI am a clutz. I never know what to say. I always say the wrong thing. I'm not very nice normally. I wish I could make people feel better. When people are grieving, making them feel better is something you cannot do. Everyone has to do it in their own time in their own way. If a friend is grieving, just being there can be a good thing. Giving them space can be a good thing too. Just look for cues from them. There's really no need to say anything. It can be a very good time to listen instead of talk. We're all hurting right now. It's a good time for all of us to be kind to each other. Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RastaRicanAir 0 #13 May 31, 2006 It's only the social pressure we put on ourselves that makes us feel like we're supposed to know what to say. Think of the worst loss that you've ever suffered in your life. Now think of one thing that anyone said on that day that really made you feel better. If there was something that brought you any real comfort, chances are it came from someone who knew what you needed to hear, and not just what the situation required them to say. When my father died, the only thing that made it easier to breathe was knowing that he had received the last Father's Day cards I sent. Not many people could've provided me with that information. "I'm sorry for your loss" is common sympathy, "let me know if there's anything I can do" is common courtesy, and if you've had a very similar experience and learned something about how to cope with it, then you may be lucky enough to offer something in the way of empathy. Beyond that, and aside from funeral directors, the clergy, and certain health workers who are practiced by their constant exposure to it, I've never met anyone who was "good at" knowing how to speak to grief. Personally, I hope I never live through enough grief to get that way.OrFunV/LocoBoca Rodriguez/Sonic Grieco/Muff Brother #4411 -"and ladies....messin with Robbie is venturing into territory you cant even imagine!-cuz Robbie is Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
antifnsocial 0 #14 May 31, 2006 QuoteI hope I never live through enough grief to get that way.Me too.Please feel free to reply to my posts and pm's, but only if you're smart enough to understand what they really mean. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
matt1215 0 #15 May 31, 2006 Join the club. I'm very new to the sport, newer yet to this forum. To the best of my knowledge, there are only 3 people I've met in real life that I associate with a DZ.com user-ids. In 5 months in the sport, I continue to be impressed by the caliber of people I encounter, and I feel a great sense of loss for people I've only encountered via the internet . Skydivers are truly a unique breed and I'm proud to be among you Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Eiley 0 #16 May 31, 2006 Personally, when my partner went in, nothing anybody said made me feel 'better'. But by far the best thing people let me do was talk and talk and talk about him ad nauseum, acting like they were interested, putting their own 2 cents in about him and not making me feel like I was boring them by talking about him again . I also liked it when people let me talk about the accident itself in all its gory detail, without cutting me off just because I got a bit choked up. Since then, I've known a couple of people to lose partners. I had no idea what to say. nothing to see here Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Richards 0 #17 May 31, 2006 Quote Sometimes people need to say something and they end up saying something that is (often unintentionally) insensitive. You just described me perfectly. I always mean well but whenever I try to offer condolences to someone I always trip over my own words like a complete ass and make the person feel worse. As insensitive as it may seem I find that my best course of action is to not say anything. Richards My biggest handicap is that sometimes the hole in the front of my head operates a tad bit faster than the grey matter contained within. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites lawrocket 3 #18 May 31, 2006 QuoteI never know what to say. Who does? Nobody. The right thing to say is a shot in the dark that occasionally hits its target. I don't post to vibes threads because I know I don't know the right thing to say, and saying "vibes" to me sounds hollow. My wife is hotter than your wife. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites happythoughts 0 #19 May 31, 2006 There is no such thing as "I know how you are feeling." No one can. Each person experiences an event differently because the emotions are filtered through the experiences of our lives. Whether a good or bad event, we feel them differently. We also feel them separately. People have to tell you what they feel. The relationship is what heals. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites highfly 0 #20 May 31, 2006 When I lost my brother almost 4 yrs ago, his best friends were coming to me to give me comfort. THeir words were pretty much the same as what everyone else has echoed ie" I dont know what to say"etc etc Sometimes you dont have to say anything at all. I knew how they were feeling because I could measure it against how I felt. The best thing someone said to me was " right there aint nowt I can do to bring your brother Back Matt, so hows about I fuck off to the supermarket and do your shopping for the week and then Ill do your cleaning for you too" This meant so much more than I could of ever expected. So if you dont know what to say and youre near that person, drop round with a bottle and a vacum cleaner it'll go a long way. Matt www.myspace.com/durtymac Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Zenister 0 #21 May 31, 2006 for all their power and depth they can express....words do little to consol, saying them often seems a waste of breath, but in order to say them at all, you have to BE THERE in one form or another... and that means more than words can express...____________________________________ Those who fail to learn from the past are simply Doomed. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites swedishcelt 0 #22 May 31, 2006 There isn't anything to say. Sometimes you'll reach out to people and they'll be kind of evil about it and make you feel bad and it's just a stage of the process. Sometimes you're a bit of a punching bag for some people but it's different for everyone. If you're doing your best with a good heart. You'll know it. That's all that counts. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites wmw999 2,148 #23 May 31, 2006 If you can't help in some substantive way, you can always say "tell me about him/her," and then listen. Talking about the person can be cathartic too. Wendy W.There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites chaoskitty 0 #24 May 31, 2006 A good friend of mine lost her husband a couple of years ago. Shes doing remarkably well now.. but every so often she still goes through some emotional times. All she wants is to let her cry, give her a good, long hug, and for you to say "I know, it sucks". I can't tell you how many times we've cried together. It helps her to know shes not the only one missing him. Whatever you do, don't say "I'm here for you".. unless you are. None of this "call me if you need me" stuff.. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites masterrig 1 #25 May 31, 2006 You don't always have to say anything. Sometimes, your expression says it all. People, understand. It's a tough thing and some folks just get 'lost' for words. It's O.K. We know! Chuck Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Prev 1 2 Next Page 1 of 2 Join the conversation You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account. Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible. Reply to this topic... × Pasted as rich text. Paste as plain text instead Only 75 emoji are allowed. × Your link has been automatically embedded. Display as a link instead × Your previous content has been restored. Clear editor × You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL. Insert image from URL × Desktop Tablet Phone Submit Reply 0
Eiley 0 #16 May 31, 2006 Personally, when my partner went in, nothing anybody said made me feel 'better'. But by far the best thing people let me do was talk and talk and talk about him ad nauseum, acting like they were interested, putting their own 2 cents in about him and not making me feel like I was boring them by talking about him again . I also liked it when people let me talk about the accident itself in all its gory detail, without cutting me off just because I got a bit choked up. Since then, I've known a couple of people to lose partners. I had no idea what to say. nothing to see here Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Richards 0 #17 May 31, 2006 Quote Sometimes people need to say something and they end up saying something that is (often unintentionally) insensitive. You just described me perfectly. I always mean well but whenever I try to offer condolences to someone I always trip over my own words like a complete ass and make the person feel worse. As insensitive as it may seem I find that my best course of action is to not say anything. Richards My biggest handicap is that sometimes the hole in the front of my head operates a tad bit faster than the grey matter contained within. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lawrocket 3 #18 May 31, 2006 QuoteI never know what to say. Who does? Nobody. The right thing to say is a shot in the dark that occasionally hits its target. I don't post to vibes threads because I know I don't know the right thing to say, and saying "vibes" to me sounds hollow. My wife is hotter than your wife. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #19 May 31, 2006 There is no such thing as "I know how you are feeling." No one can. Each person experiences an event differently because the emotions are filtered through the experiences of our lives. Whether a good or bad event, we feel them differently. We also feel them separately. People have to tell you what they feel. The relationship is what heals. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
highfly 0 #20 May 31, 2006 When I lost my brother almost 4 yrs ago, his best friends were coming to me to give me comfort. THeir words were pretty much the same as what everyone else has echoed ie" I dont know what to say"etc etc Sometimes you dont have to say anything at all. I knew how they were feeling because I could measure it against how I felt. The best thing someone said to me was " right there aint nowt I can do to bring your brother Back Matt, so hows about I fuck off to the supermarket and do your shopping for the week and then Ill do your cleaning for you too" This meant so much more than I could of ever expected. So if you dont know what to say and youre near that person, drop round with a bottle and a vacum cleaner it'll go a long way. Matt www.myspace.com/durtymac Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Zenister 0 #21 May 31, 2006 for all their power and depth they can express....words do little to consol, saying them often seems a waste of breath, but in order to say them at all, you have to BE THERE in one form or another... and that means more than words can express...____________________________________ Those who fail to learn from the past are simply Doomed. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
swedishcelt 0 #22 May 31, 2006 There isn't anything to say. Sometimes you'll reach out to people and they'll be kind of evil about it and make you feel bad and it's just a stage of the process. Sometimes you're a bit of a punching bag for some people but it's different for everyone. If you're doing your best with a good heart. You'll know it. That's all that counts. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wmw999 2,148 #23 May 31, 2006 If you can't help in some substantive way, you can always say "tell me about him/her," and then listen. Talking about the person can be cathartic too. Wendy W.There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
chaoskitty 0 #24 May 31, 2006 A good friend of mine lost her husband a couple of years ago. Shes doing remarkably well now.. but every so often she still goes through some emotional times. All she wants is to let her cry, give her a good, long hug, and for you to say "I know, it sucks". I can't tell you how many times we've cried together. It helps her to know shes not the only one missing him. Whatever you do, don't say "I'm here for you".. unless you are. None of this "call me if you need me" stuff.. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
masterrig 1 #25 May 31, 2006 You don't always have to say anything. Sometimes, your expression says it all. People, understand. It's a tough thing and some folks just get 'lost' for words. It's O.K. We know! Chuck Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
