Scared

[sittinpretty 0]

I just met a guy.... we've only gone on a few dates, but he seems super neat and I like him. Well, last night he confessed to me that he has herpes. I'm not quite sure what to think. He asked me to research it and gave me some links to some sites. He stressed that it's really not that bad of a thing and that the worst part of having it is the stigma. And from what I read, that's true. But the stigma IS really bad and what if I get it and things don't work out?

Has anyone here ever dated someone with herpes? Anyone here have it and have some input for me? Please PM me if you're not comfortable posting. How common is this? I have heard 1 in 4, I have heard more than that, but this is the first time I've ever met someone who actually has it.

Would love some advice, guidance, etc. Help!

[OlympiaStoica 0]

One of my friends got it and came clean to everyone about it ... it put a stop to her dating schedule really fast. The stigma is very real, I’m not sure my friend expected such extreme reaction.

Outbreaks can be managed with medication and it’s not unheard of for someone to be positive for HSV-2, but never infect his/her partner. Perhaps you’ll get some good input here, but ultimately, this is all on you. Only you can decide if you’re comfortable with the risk.

O

[skymama 35]

While I don't have any real input for you, I will say that I think it's impressive that the guy has already been upfront with you about his condition. I think that's a good sign of his character.
Why don't you get some real facts; here's a number for the National Herpes Hotline. Good luck!

She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

[OlympiaStoica 0]

I was just thinking about that ... the guy gets major points for being upfront ...

O

[tigra 0]

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While I don't have any real input for you, I will say that I think it's impressive that the guy has already been upfront with you about his condition. I think that's a good sign of his character.
Why don't you get some real facts; here's a number for the National Herpes Hotline. Good luck!

Its kind of sad that we set the bar so low when it comes to men. This guy gets a pat on the back for doing the right thing and being honest.

I don't have anything to add. I'll just reinforce what Skymama said- do the research, learn as much as you can and assess the risk. And whatever decision you make about him and your relationship is OK.

[Nightingale 0]

I have two friends who have been together for a long time (like a decade). She has herpes that she caught from someone she was with before him. He doesn't have it, apparently through a combination of her being on medication to prevent/treat outbreaks and both of them being careful. Talk to your doctor, and call the Herpes hotline, and once you feel you have all the information, make an informed decision about whether it's a risk you want to take.

[TALONSKY 0]

I dated a women that had it for a while, it is my understanding that the outbreaks occur only in the exact spot that they got infected on and generally it is spread by skin on skin contact while the person has an outbreak. So her’s was outside the vagina and just below the clitoris, she infected her ex-husband because they had protect sex (the condom does not protect the skin around it) while she had an outbreak. I never got infected.

[Frenchy68 0]

I was married for 10 years to a woman who had herpes. I never contracted it myself. She told me in the very beginning of our relationship, and I truly didn't think much of it. It never really affected what we did (including our sex life). When there are outbreaks, one just has to be careful. But it is true that the stigma is insanely present (including on this site, where many male members consider a woman with herpes to be avoided at all cost). I would think that in this day and age, people would be better educated and have a much different stance towards this disease, but it is unfortunately not the case.
How a mostly skin viral disease can be seen as affecting someone's worth and character is beyond me...

"For once you have tasted Absinthe you will walk the earth with your eyes turned towards the gutter, for there you have been and there you will long to return."

[skymama 35]

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How a mostly skin viral disease can be seen as affecting someone's worth and character is beyond me...

Well, I know a guy who contracted oral herpes from a girl on a one night fling at a boogie. He was in severe pain and had to go to the ER at the onset of his infection. He missed work, incurred medical expenses and his sexual life was forever changed, all because she wasn't honest with him. So yes, I see that as a flaw in one's character if you have a disease that spreads so easily and you don't tell your partner beforehand.

She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

[virgin-burner 1]

AFAIK, pretty much everyone has it to some extent, maybe not genital herpes (which is supposedly to be VERY painful in outbreaks). i know i dont, and if i see someone that has blisters, i avoid kissing even cheeks or touching..

“Some may never live, but the crazy never die.”
-Hunter S. Thompson
"No. Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try."
-Yoda

[OlympiaStoica 0]

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AFAIK, pretty much everyone has it to some extent, maybe not genital herpes (which is supposedly to be VERY painful in outbreaks). i know i dont, and if i see someone that has blisters, i avoid kissing even cheeks or touching..

It is estimated that 70% of American population is a carrier of HSV-1 (the virus that causes "cold sores") - that is a different virus than the HSV-2 (the virus that causes genital sores) ...

O

[Frenchy68 0]

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So yes, I see that as a flaw in one's character if you have a disease that spreads so easily and you don't tell your partner beforehand.

I agree. But the character flaw was not created by her having herpes, but by her not disclosing that she had herpes.
What I do not agree with is that the guy you mentioned should now be considered as an outcast because he contracted herpes.

"For once you have tasted Absinthe you will walk the earth with your eyes turned towards the gutter, for there you have been and there you will long to return."

[LuckyMcSwervy 0]

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How a mostly skin viral disease can be seen as affecting someone's worth and character is beyond me...

Well, I know a guy who contracted oral herpes from a girl on a one night fling at a boogie. He was in severe pain and had to go to the ER at the onset of his infection. He missed work, incurred medical expenses and his sexual life was forever changed, all because she wasn't honest with him. So yes, I see that as a flaw in one's character if you have a disease that spreads so easily and you don't tell your partner beforehand.

+ 1

Always be kinder than you feel.

[RonD1120 58]

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I just met a guy.... we've only gone on a few dates, but he seems super neat and I like him. Well, last night he confessed to me that he has herpes. I'm not quite sure what to think. He asked me to research it and gave me some links to some sites. He stressed that it's really not that bad of a thing and that the worst part of having it is the stigma. And from what I read, that's true. But the stigma IS really bad and what if I get it and things don't work out?

Has anyone here ever dated someone with herpes? Anyone here have it and have some input for me? Please PM me if you're not comfortable posting. How common is this? I have heard 1 in 4, I have heard more than that, but this is the first time I've ever met someone who actually has it.

Would love some advice, guidance, etc. Help!

My first thought is the guy is thinking about getting married and wants to know if you can love him with his affliction. My advice is to evaluate the relationship from that perspective. If you are not interested in marriage tell him goodbye. He may be disappointed but he will respect your honesty. Do not give him a pity lay and then drop him. That is cruel.

Remember STD's and unwanted pregnancies are the risks of promiscuity just like malfunctions are the risks of skydiving. If you are going to play the game you better consider the risks and deal with them in a mature manner. There is only one choice that is a 100% guarantee of safety in either activity.

Look for the shiny things of God revealed by the Holy Spirit. They only last for an instant but it is a Holy Instant. Let your soul absorb them.

[skymama 35]

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But the character flaw was not created by her having herpes, but by her not disclosing that she had herpes.

That's what I meant in my post, sorry it didn't come across that way.

She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

[LuckyMcSwervy 0]

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But the character flaw was not created by her having herpes, but by her not disclosing that she had herpes.

That's what I meant in my post, sorry it didn't come across that way.

I thought it did, that's why I agreed with you.

Always be kinder than you feel.

[Nataly 38]

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AFAIK, pretty much everyone has it to some extent, maybe not genital herpes (which is supposedly to be VERY painful in outbreaks). i know i dont, and if i see someone that has blisters, i avoid kissing even cheeks or touching..

It is estimated that 70% of American population is a carrier of HSV-1 (the virus that causes "cold sores") - that is a different virus than the HSV-2 (the virus that causes genital sores) ...

O

Yeah.. FYI - you can have herpes (1 or 2) and *never* have symptoms. You can also pass it on even when it's not during an outbreak, although it is less likely. Nothing protects you 100% as skin to skin contact occurs even with condom use. Plus if you share things like a glass or a spoon with your partner the "cold sores" (aka herpes) can be passed on from one person to another. It's also possible for the common "cold sores" to be passed on to the genitals, as even though one strand (can never remember which one) is more commonly found orally, it can occasionally make its way downstairs as well.

Sorry.. Studied human sexuality in WAY too much detail in one university course.. Even I was amazed at all the stuff I *didn't* know about in spite of all the sex ed they teach in school.

At the end of the day, it's great that the guy was honest. Might be a good reason to get to know each other's personalities quite well before thinking of taking the next steps.. At least that way you will have an idea of whether you're prepared to take the risk.

Tough one. At least you've got some choice in the matter.

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[sittinpretty 0]

Thanks to everyone for your input. I still am not sure what to do. I sure have learned a lot about the disease! Very insignificant physically. But very impactful socially.

And thank you to Skymama for moving this thread for me. I really appreciate it.

And for the record, I don't do pity lays. And I really only date someone if there is some long-term potential. That's not to say I'm anxious to get married and want a husband. Just that I don't see the point in a relationship if you know it won't last. My intentions are good. :)

[Nataly 38]

The reality is that several STD's are not just specifically transmitted sexually, but they are termed so because their manifestations affect the reproductive area.. Technically, you can catch/transmit the common cold sexually, but it has no social stigma because the symptoms are unrelated to the genitals.

The other fact that many people aren't aware of is that it's possible to have an STD and never know it - several people have no reaction when they catch an STD, or they get symptoms resembling the common cold, so don't make the association.

What's more, many STD's can only be diagnosed when there is physical/visible "evidence" of the disease. In other words, you can have/carry/transmit the disease and would "pass" all the STD testing available out there because there are no tests available to verify the presence of the disease apart from it's visible physical effects - if there are any. An example of this is HPV (otherwise known as genital warts), and PID (Pelvic Inflammatory Disorder, though technically many don't view this as an STD because it's often the result of an STD like chlamydia or gonorrhoea).

People react differently to the same disease.. Just because one person doesn't ever know they have something, they can still pass it on to someone who *will* have all the classic symptoms/outbreaks, etc. Also, some of the results of STD's are not "obvious".. Like sterility, cervical cancer, scarring of the fallopian tubes, etc.

Because it's impossible to test for many diseases, it's impossible to know how common they are. Some diseases like chlamydia can often be pretty much harmless to one gender (men), but quite dangerous for the other (though as mentioned the severity varies tremendously from one person to another).

The good news is that many STD's are treatable and 100% curable if found.

The bad news is that there is as yet no known cure for herpes and HIV/AIDS - these are with you for life. Some people with herpes only ever get one outbreak and then never gets sores again for the rest of their life (but they will always carry the disease and be contagious), but generally it's more frequent (say, once every few weeks/months).

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[forblueskies 0]

Herpes is not totally physically insignificant. It can be quite painful.

And there ARE blood tests that are accurate for the different kinds of herpes.

[JohnMitchell 14]

Wow, I'm glad to be married.

Good luck to all you single people. It's complicated out there, isn't it?

[virgin-burner 1]

its a friggin warzone mate..

“Some may never live, but the crazy never die.”
-Hunter S. Thompson
"No. Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try."
-Yoda

[OlympiaStoica 0]

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Wow, I'm glad to be married.

Good luck to all you single people. It's complicated out there, isn't it?

Yep, it is ...


O

[virgigirlie 0]

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Remember STD's and unwanted pregnancies are the risks of promiscuity just like malfunctions are the risks of skydiving. If you are going to play the game you better consider the risks and deal with them in a mature manner. There is only one choice that is a 100% guarantee of safety in either activity.

Really...? A great many (I would venture to say most) people with STDs and/or unplanned pregnancies are not promiscuous.

Promiscuous (Webster's): "characterized by a lack of discrimination; specif., engaging in sexual intercourse indiscriminately or with many persons"

I assume the 100% guarantee you speak of is abstinence (I apologize if I'm wrong), but STDs can be passed on in a number of ways without intercourse.

"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning." ~Catherine Aird

[warpedskydiver 0]

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Wow, I'm glad to be married.

Good luck to all you single people. It's complicated out there, isn't it?

Yep, it is ...


O

As a friend put it, it makes a person want to wear a garbage can liner pulled up to the armpits.

There are quite a few dishonest people out there who would not care if they spread an STD.