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Now that many of our neighbors are installing sculptures of ghosts and goblins on their front lawns in preparation for Halloween, I suggested to my landlord that we install a similar scary statue on our front law. I suggested installing a statute of a lawyer.

My landlord was ^%$#@! furious until I promised to only include the images of the lawyers that I admire and respect.

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A local charity had never received a donation from the town's banker, so the director made a phone call.

"Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a penny to charity," the director began. "Wouldn't you like to help the community?"

The banker replied, "Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?"

"Um, no," mumbled the director.

"Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister's husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?"

"I … I … I had no idea."

"So," said the banker, "if I don't give them any money, why would I give any to you?"

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was
instantly attracted to him…
… and during her questions about his life, she asked
him if he had ever had sex.
“Tarzan not know sex.” he replied.
Jane explained to him what it was.
Tarzan said, “Ohhh…Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of
Horrified, Jane said, “Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but
I will show you how to do it properly.”
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
“Here.” she said, pointing to her privates, “You must
put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his
considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and
kicked her right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an
Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed,
“What did you do that for?!”
Tarzan replied, “Check for squirrel.”

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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow now it's my fault.”

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"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.

"No thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked.

"Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."

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