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BIGUN

JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

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25 Signs That You've Grown Up,,,,,,

 

>1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 
>2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 
>3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 
>4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 
>5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator. 
>6. You watch the Weather Channel. 
>7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of  "hook up" and  "breakup." 
>8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 
>9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as  "dressed up." 
>10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door

>won't turn down the stereo. 
>11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 
>12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 
>13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 
>14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. 
>15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 
>16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM 
>17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of
one. 
>18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather 
>than settle, your stomach. 
>19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and
antacid, not 
>condoms and pregnancy tests. 
>20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer  "pretty good stuff." 
>21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 
>22.  "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces  "I'm never going
to 
>drink that much again." 
>23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 
>24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 
>25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't 
>apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

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A Bad Day...

 

> A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They
> arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His
wife
> is puzzled and asks if he has been to this club before. "Oh no," says
Dave.
> "He's on my bowling team."
>
> When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual & brings
> over a Heineken. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and
> says,"How does she know what you drink" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling
> League, honey - we share lanes with them."
>
> A sexy stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around
> Dave, and says "Hi Davey - want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's
> wife, now furious, grabs her handbag and storms out of the club. Dave
> follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he
> jumps in beside her.
>
> He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him
for
> someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him
at
> the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
>
> The cab driver turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real
> b*tch tonight, Davey."

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In a small village at the foot of the mountains, a large bear wanders into town and walks past the city park. 

On the park bench, a priest, a rabbi, and a minister watch the bear go by. The minister gets an idea. 

"Say! Why don't we try to bring that bear to religion? We can bet on who makes the most progress with him!"

"Okay," says the rabbi, "we'll meet back here in thirty days to compare notes!"

"I'm in!" says the priest.

******
Thirty days later...

The minister shows up first at the park bench, followed by the priest. 

"Well?" says the minister. "How did it go?"

"I got the bear to attend Mass at least once a week, and he's starting to learn his catechisms. How about you?"

"Oh, he's attending services TWICE a week, and goes to Sunday School now," said the minister. 

An ambulance pulls up and an attendant opens the back door. The rabbi is laying on a gurney, half torn to shreds with bloody bandages wrapped around his body. 

"What happened to you?" the other two shout together. 

"Well," said the rabbi, "it was going fine. I had the bear memorizing sections of the Torah, and coming to church regularly. But I probably should have held off longer on the circumcision..."

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A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."  She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finishednit, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."  This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed.  "Oh shit, it's started."

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A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her
Vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and
the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses
carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls
in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my
operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and
that the first rose was from him:

"I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

And what about the third rose ?" she asked.

That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for
his new ears."

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48 minutes ago, Bigfalls said:

Went to the grocery store and they were all out of toilet paper.

I also had to go to the hardware store, they were all out of 6 foot tape measures.

People don't need a 6 ft tape measure.  They just need to visualize a dead person laying on the ground.

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Three contractors are bidding to fix a  broken fence at the White House. 


  

A Yankee, a Mexican, and a Texan. 

They go together with a White House  official to examine the fence. 

The Yankee contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a  pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." 

The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." 

The Texan contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." 

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!  How did you come up with such a high figure!?!?" 

The Texan contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the Mexican to fix the fence." 

"Done!" replies the government official. 

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A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. 

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife
poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year!"

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last
year!" The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year!!"
The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this
one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."

The husband is expected to recover 

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A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another
woman. With super-human strength borne of fury, she dragged him
down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard
and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the
handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified, and
screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her
husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire.
You do whatever you have to".

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A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay in the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon twenty years earlier.
Because of hectic travel plans it was difficult to coordinate their travel arrangements. So the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on the Thursday, with his wife due to fly down the following day. When the husband checked into the hotel he discovered a computer in his suite, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing the error , sent the email.

Meanwhile somewhere in Chicago, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting to find messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. Her son, rushing into the room, found her on the floor and saw the computer screen, which read:

"To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've arrived
I know you're surprised to hear from me so quickly. I just arrived and have been checked in. They have computers here now so of course I wanted to contact you right away! Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow and I can't wait to greet you! I hope your journey is as easy as mine was.

By the way, prepare yourself. It's really hot down here!"

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Guy meets hot chick in the bar, invites her to his place and she says yes. In further conversation he learns she's married.

Guy: Why are you cheating?

Her: Because he stutters and lies.

Guy: Why is that a problem?

She: Well, I'm a pharmacist. He came in to buy condoms and said he needed XXXXL. I proposed on the spot. On our wedding night I learned about the stuttering and lying. He should  have asked for MMMM. 

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> Comprehending Engineers - Take One
> Two engineering students were walking across campus when one
> said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
> replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business
> when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the
> ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."  The
> second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
> probably wouldn't have fit."
>
> Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
> To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
> half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
>
> Comprehending Engineers - Take Three
> A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
> particularly
> slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must
> have been waiting for 15 minutes!".   The doctor chimed in, "I don't know,
> but I've
> never seen such ineptitude!"   The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the
> greenskeeper.
> Let's have a word with him." "Hey George. Say, what's with that group ahead
> of
> us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes,
> that's a
> group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our  clubhouse
> from a fire
> last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was
> silent
> for a moment.  The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special
>
> prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to
> contact
> my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
> The
> engineer said,  "Why can't these guys play at night?"
>
> Comprehending Engineers - Take Four
> What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
> Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
>
> Comprehending Engineers - Take Five
> "Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
> believe
> that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
 

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A distraught woman goes into a local hypnotherapist's office. Sobbing, she explains, "I've been faithful to my husband for nearly twenty years, but yesterday I had an affair. The guilt is eating me up. I just want to forget that it ever happened."

The hypnotherapist shook his head and sighed, "Not again..."

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Engineering In Hell  

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." 
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. 

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" 

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great.   We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." 

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." 

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." 

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." 

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" 

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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out the front of his pants

The bartender looks at him and asks, "Hey, you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of the front of your pants?"

Pirate looks at him and says, "Arggh it's driving me nuts"

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While stuck at home I had time to read two books – James Cameron’s “Titanic” and Bill Clinton’s “My Life.” There seems to be a lot of similarities between the two books:

Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Clinton: Cost - $29.99

Titanic: Took over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Also took over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bull**** artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: We’re not gonna go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Bill doesn't remember anything.

Titanic: Rose almost goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica does... Yeah, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.

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Day 26 of 'Shelter in Place':

My wife called in from the other room:

"Honey? Are you in any pain?"

 

I replied:
"No, what kind of pain do you mean?"

She said:
"Like needles going into your chest. Like someone is using a voodoo doll on you."

Me:
"No, nothing like that at all"

 

Her:
"How about now?"

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