Marriage or relationship question..

[skymama 35]

Quote

the only problem here is it sounds like NEITHER one of them seems to want to come to a mutual agreement.

You should never try to change a person after you marry them. The relationship existed before Rhino married her and I'm assuming she told him she loved him all along, not just recently or whenever it was when he read her e-mail.

She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

[rehmwa 2]

As people change in time, we do need to communicate how those changes affect us. In a good relationship, we temper those changes as we can for the good of both if the changes appear to be hurtful to the other.

I don't see anything that indicates who is asking who to change - and that's not important. What's important is they evolve through those changes together to keep a good thing from souring.

Even if Rhino is out of line (and none of us can say that for certain with the info so far and none of her side), saying that he's just WRONG, or that you feel sorry for his wife isn't going to make him more prone to having a productive discussion with her, it'll only make him more defensive.

...
Driving is a one dimensional activity - a monkey can do it - being proud of your driving abilities is like being proud of being able to put on pants

[tigra 0]

What's not OK is YOU and your attitude. You don't trust her, you're snooping and making threats. How on earth is that acceptable?

I feel sorry for your wife. With a husband like you, its a good thing she has good friends she can talk to and rely on.

[Nightingale 0]

Posting this here at all indicates a lack of respect. I think Andrea was dead on.

[ladyskydiver 0]

Quote

As people change in time, we do need to communicate how those changes affect us. In a good relationship, we temper those changes as we can for the good of both if the changes appear to be hurtful to the other.

I don't see anything that indicates who is asking who to change - and that's not important. What's important is they evolve through those changes together to keep a good thing from souring.

Even if Rhino is out of line (and none of us can say that for certain with the info so far and none of her side), saying that he's just WRONG, or that you feel sorry for his wife isn't going to make him more prone to having a productive discussion with her, it'll only make him more defensive.

If you'd noticed in the thread, Rhino is expecting...no, let me rephrase that...demanding that his wife change how she interacts with someone. He's not asking for a compromise or anything. And as far as making Rhino more defensive, he was defensive in his very first post and to anyone who did not agree with him.

Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably. And never regret anything that made you smile.

[rehmwa 2]

Quote

If you'd noticed in the thread, Rhino is expecting...no, let me rephrase that...demanding that his wife change how she interacts with someone. He's not asking for a compromise or anything. And as far as making Rhino more defensive, he was defensive in his very first post and to anyone who did not agree with him.

exactly, and we're not making it any better if we gang up on him. but perhaps we're making ourselves feel pretty good and superior so I guess that's ok.

but he is communicating (even if very heavy handed) that he's hurt.

The best response from all of us was just that it's not our business, but he and her need to do something to get their issues cleared between them (counseling or intervention or whatever). And stop there without passing judgement.

And I do agree this shouldn't have been a post in the first place, but I hate to see someone get ganged up on when it's about a marriage.

Edit: And Kris - This part of Andrea's post was dead on in my mind and stood well without the stab "There are so many issues here that you've talked about that are huge warning signs that your marriage is in trouble. I hope you get counseling before it's too late for the sake of the (I'll change that to 'family')." Tigra - What can I say - belittling another is not always the best way to make them look at themselves.

...
Driving is a one dimensional activity - a monkey can do it - being proud of your driving abilities is like being proud of being able to put on pants

[peregrinerose 0]

The way I see it, you are uncomfortable with how she signs her notes to this guy and how that might be perceived by the guy. She doesn't see a problem with it, and in reality probably doesn't mean anything by it. Many women sign notes that way to friends.

Have you very nicely told her that it bothers you, that you want to be the only man in the world that she truly loves and you'd be a lot more comfortable if she didn't sign letters that way? Respect and trust has to be both ways. If something minor like that really would set your mind at ease and it costs her nothing to give you that peace, then she should respect you enough to do it.

Sounds like you two have a lot more to work out communication wise than something petty like how emails are signed though.

Jen

Do or do not, there is no try -Yoda

[Lindsey 0]

Quote

Quote

Because he didn't really want the answer. He just wanted confirmation that he was "right."

Ya mean like the guy with 100 jumps that looks for someone to tell him he will be fine under the Velocity 88? People do that?

D'OH!!!

[gmanpilot 0]

Quote

and we're not making it any better if we gang up on him.

The guy pointedly asked for peoples opinion on the matter, and people gave it. No harm, no foul.

_________________________________________
-There's always free cheese in a mouse trap.

[gmanpilot 0]

Quote

You should never try to change a person after you marry them.

Not to hijack the thread or anything, but that sentence is more sexy than talkin' dirty. It should be posted in every women's restroom in the country.

_________________________________________
-There's always free cheese in a mouse trap.

[Shotgun 1]

Quote

Quote

You should never try to change a person after you marry them.

Not to hijack the thread or anything, but that sentence is more sexy than talkin' dirty. It should be posted in every women's restroom in the country.

And every men's restroom too.

[winsor 187]

Quote

My wife has known "a guy friend" since she was a toddler. About 15 years ago they had an "attempted" romance which supposedly never got to second base or past a kiss.

She has been signing emails to him LY Ang. Some even Love You..

This fucknut lives on the other side of the country, he is married yet she thinks it is COMPLETELY acceptable behavior to tell another man "that even the most remote" attempt at a romance happened with, Love You..

To me it isn't acceptable. AT ALL. And if I catch her ass doing it again no matter how fucking rediculous she thinks I am being I will be a damned bachelor. She will read this and I don't give a damn. She should have enough respect for me to understand and correct behavior like that..

Do you think it is O.K.?

Or NOT O.K. for her to be doing this?

Rhino

I suggest you figure out something if you expect a relationship with any woman to work, ever.

Her fidelity, or lack thereof, is HER karma.

Your fidelity, or lack thereof, is YOUR karma.

If her conscience is clear, and her motives are honest, you have no basis for complaint. If she is being unfaithful, you two have other problems.

Your choice is to either let it go - or let her go. For you to subject her to your standards, assuming she does not subscribe to them, is out of line.

If you want to foster resentment in her, you have likely come across a pretty good approach.

If you want your marriage to last, I recommend that you never again read her mail to anyone else unless she asks you to.

If you want to end the marriage, you are better off doing so without poisoning the relationship further. Speaking from painful personal experience, I recommend that you be VERY careful about threatening divorce - unless, of course, you are quite ready to go through one.

If you love her and want to save the marriage, I recommend that you tell her that you know it is none of your goddamned business how she interacts with her friends, apologize to her for being such a boor, assure her that you will leave her E-mail entirely alone in the future (and MEAN it!), and behave in a manner that leaves no doubt in her mind that you love her dearly.

One of the most precious things someone can give in an intimate relationship is slack. If you want it, you had damned well be ready and willing to give it.


Semper fidelis (in this most important of relationships),

Winsor

[rhino 0]

Quote

And I do agree this shouldn't have been a post in the first place, but I hate to see someone get ganged up on when it's about a marriage.

I really don't mind being ganged up on.. Everyone in here could attack me on this site and I wouldn't even flinch.. It isn't a big deal. I am a salesman so rejection or negative energy is something I am very use to.

As far as posting on here? She doesn't care and nor do I.. Some people on here have posted things much more personal than this. I brought up a simple issue. People want to dig naturally and make assumptions.. That's o.k.. It doesn't bother me at all..
It is interesting to see the different points of view.. It's interesting to see peoples values.. How judgemental they are without having information "that's ignorance".

Rhino

[ladyskydiver 0]

Quote

I suggest you figure out something if you expect a relationship with any woman to work, ever.

Her fidelity, or lack thereof, is HER karma.

Your fidelity, or lack thereof, is YOUR karma.

If her conscience is clear, and her motives are honest, you have no basis for complaint. If she is being unfaithful, you two have other problems.

Your choice is to either let it go - or let her go. For you to subject her to your standards, assuming she does not subscribe to them, is out of line.

If you want to foster resentment in her, you have likely come across a pretty good approach.

If you want your marriage to last, I recommend that you never again read her mail to anyone else unless she asks you to.

If you want to end the marriage, you are better off doing so without poisoning the relationship further. Speaking from painful personal experience, I recommend that you be VERY careful about threatening divorce - unless, of course, you are quite ready to go through one.

If you love her and want to save the marriage, I recommend that you tell her that you know it is none of your goddamned business how she interacts with her friends, apologize to her for being such a boor, assure her that you will leave her E-mail entirely alone in the future (and MEAN it!), and behave in a manner that leaves no doubt in her mind that you love her dearly.

One of the most precious things someone can give in an intimate relationship is slack. If you want it, you had damned well be ready and willing to give it.


Semper fidelis (in this most important of relationships),

Winsor

Nice post, Winsor!

Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably. And never regret anything that made you smile.

[kelpdiver 2]

Quote

It is interesting to see the different points of view.. It's interesting to see peoples values.. How judgemental they are without having information "that's ignorance".

If we were criticizing you based on her version of the events that might be true, but it's being done soley based on your side. That should say something.

[rhino 0]

Quote

That should say something.

It does.. It says you "and others" are willing to pass judgement without collecting proper information first. That says alot..

[billvon 2,435]

>It says you "and others" are willing to pass judgement without
>collecting proper information first. That says alot..

Are you really saying that unless people bug her, her friends, her family, your family, and your kid for more information, you consider them ignorant? I would think you wouldn't want people doing that.

[rhino 0]

Quote

you consider them ignorant? I would think you wouldn't want people doing that.

Bill. That would be considered a personal attack.. I wouldn't want to keep getting banned now would I?

[antifnsocial 0]

I say and sign letters, emails and gifts etc. 'Love,' and 'Love You!' to EVERYONE. To friends and men I sleep with as well as men I never WILL sleep with and to women too. So do a lot of females I know. It means nothing unless she starts saying it in CONVERSATION. Lots and lots of women feel this way.

Please feel free to reply to my posts and pm's, but only if you're smart enough to understand what they really mean.

[Michele 1]

Quote

It does.. It says you "and others" are willing to pass judgement without collecting proper information first. That says alot..

LOL, love, you asked for our opinions. And not in the Bonfire, but here where things get contentious the moment we hit "post"! You asked if your opinion/reaction was right or wrong about something...not about why she's doing it, or if there was something to worry about (ala an affair). The information you gave was enough to make that determination.

Hope you have a great weekend...

Ciels-
Michele

~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek
While our hearts lie bleeding?~

[tigra 0]

lol

YOU ask for an opinion based solely on the information YOU provided, get a lot of responses you don't like so now WE are the ignorant ones!



yeah, right............... It would be even funnier if there weren't young children involved.................

[Maggotry 0]

I dunno dude.

To me it's pretty simple.

You have a friend/girlfriend/lover do some stuff you disagree with vehemently. You ask that person to stop doing it. If he/she doesn't, you ask why. If the explanation isn't satisfactory (as in MAJOR importance) and he/she still will continue doing it, knowing how much it grates/annoys/hurts you, that person is valuing the act of doing whatever it is she/he is doingg more than he/she values you.

What you do with that info is up to you though. if it's something very important to me, I let the other person go. No hard words or anything - but I can't be around people who hurt me just by ebing themselves/doing what they feel they must do.

You got a tough choice Rhino. If she knows how you feel about it and refuses to stop, think about it. It's a minor fucking thing, stop signing emails with 'love ya', Sure, there's the whole principle of 'you don't own me' behind it, but if you put it as a simple request, a sign of respect for your well being and still she said no, I'd say you're in for some tough weather if you stay in the relationship.

Your call, and a tough one. I hope the two of you work it out - and if you can't, you gotta do what you gotta do.

[Luv2Fall 0]

Quote

Quote

One thind does NOT always lead to another.....

You're right. I'm only saying that if you play with fire, you might get burned. If marriage was taken more seriously these days, there probably wouldn't be such a high rate of divorce. I've seen plenty "innocent" relationships between people get out of hand and the marriage suffers. Nightingale is also right in that there must be trust. However, people are flawed (even your best friend, wife, or husband) and they'll let you down in some way at some point in time. The best option, IMO, is to play it conservative and not put yourself in compromising situations (even if it's something as simple as signing "love you" to the end of an e-mail. Just my opinion. Take it for what it's worth. Or don't.

You had no idea how right you are. I have a "friend" whose wife started innocently on the web along simuliar lines.........ended up being a full blown affair..........totally "destroyed" her marriage and family.

[pajarito 0]

Quote

The way I see it, you are uncomfortable with how she signs her notes to this guy and how that might be perceived by the guy. She doesn't see a problem with it, and in reality probably doesn't mean anything by it. Many women sign notes that way to friends.

I’m not uncomfortable with the way she’s signing her notes. Rhino is. I would be, however, if it was my wife we were talking about.

Quote

Have you very nicely told her that it bothers you, that you want to be the only man in the world that she truly loves and you'd be a lot more comfortable if she didn't sign letters that way? Respect and trust has to be both ways. If something minor like that really would set your mind at ease and it costs her nothing to give you that peace, then she should respect you enough to do it.

THAT…would piss Rhino off a whole lot more than the guy he’s already angry with. Marines make good snipers. I make it a habit to not piss off snipers.

Quote

Sounds like you two have a lot more to work out communication wise than something petty like how emails are signed though.

I sure hope not. I can only handle one woman at a time. You women are way too complicated to have to deal with more than one at a time.

[cloudseeker2001 0]

That would not at all bother me.

"Some call it heavenly in it's brilliance,
others mean and rueful of the western dream"