Kennedy 0 #26 August 15, 2004 Oh, I get your intention. I just don't see any humor in it. The Patriot Act is about as "funny" to me as gun control.witty subliminal message Guard your honor, let your reputation fall where it will, and outlast the bastards. 1* Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
crwmike 0 #27 August 15, 2004 Re: [crwmike] "American" Jokes [In reply to] Quote | Reply -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Oh, I get your intention. I just don't see any humor in it. The Patriot Act is about as "funny" to me as gun control. Cool. witty once-again-subliminal message ..... Procrastination is like Masturbation: it feels good while you're doing it, but in the end you realize you're just f*cking yourself. Don't knock masturbation. It's safe sex with someone you love. ;) Michael Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kallend 1,649 #28 August 15, 2004 Here's a great American joke. Electing this guy. "There's an old saying in Tennessee—I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee—that says, fool me once, shame on—shame on you. Fool me—you can't get fooled again."— George W. Bush, Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002 "Then you wake up at the high school level and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 23, 2004 "My answer is bring them on."—On Iraqi militants attacking U.S. forces, George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., July 3, 2003 "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004 "Recession means that people's incomes, at the employer level, are going down, basically, relative to costs, people are getting laid off." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Feb. 19, 2004... The only sure way to survive a canopy collision is not to have one. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tkhayes 140 #29 August 15, 2004 http://radio.cbc.ca/programs/thismorning/sites/a&e/mercer_010330.html Canadian making fun of Americans - exTREMELY funny, especially if you are a Canadian, since the Americans don't get it...... So funny in fact, they made a one hour special that is worth it's weight in gold. TK Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kennedy 0 #30 August 16, 2004 How did I know someone with a PhD wouldn't get it? Those aren't even jokes, political, American, or otherwise. Quote"There's an old saying in Tennessee—I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee—that says, fool me once, shame on—shame on you. Fool me—you can't get fooled again."— George W. Bush, Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002 You've never screwed up a common saying in front of an audience? The man isn't the best public speaker. Whoop-di-do. Quote"Then you wake up at the high school level and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 23, 2004 Oooh, a whole wrong form of a verb. That's cause for side splitting laughter, no doubt. Quote"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004 And why should the government stop thinking aobut ways to harm the country? Would you rather they not consider what the bad guys might do to hurt us? I've heard dyslexia makes it hard to explain things to other people, and it seems that's all it is. Doesn't come off as a practiced speaker? No. Coems off as an idiot? Only to the ignorant or those predisposed to hate him (aka Democrats). ps - I'm still waiting for a punch line.witty subliminal message Guard your honor, let your reputation fall where it will, and outlast the bastards. 1* Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Frenchy68 0 #31 August 16, 2004 But the bit about the guy knocking himself unconscious hitting his head on the corner of a coffee table while choking on a pretzel can be pretty comical I don't eat pretzel, so I wouldn't know how dangerous they actually are!). "News of the World" material if you ask me... "For once you have tasted Absinthe you will walk the earth with your eyes turned towards the gutter, for there you have been and there you will long to return." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tkhayes 140 #32 August 16, 2004 hey YOU asked for jokes and you got 'em. That fact that you do not seem to get it is a joke in itself and makes the whole thread even funnier to read.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kallend 1,649 #33 August 16, 2004 Oh, you think I'M the one that doesn't get it. That's funny.... The only sure way to survive a canopy collision is not to have one. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
starkmtn 0 #34 August 16, 2004 I agree except for #2 - that fits the bill because it manages to send up the facts that 1) we're a FAT-ass nation, and 2) we're exporting our crap food that helps make you fat overseas and enabling the fatassification of other peoples as well. I think it should count. One could argue that "the redneck" is an American species and therefore that redneck jokes count, but it's a stretch. That said, the one about Canada is the funniest."You guys should just do CRW. There are so many more ways to get killed, it makes a CYPRES seem safe." -Kevin Keenan Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
juanesky 0 #35 August 16, 2004 If that is a joke then why are you so pissed off about them?"According to some of the conservatives here, it sounds like it's fine to beat your wide - as long as she had it coming." -Billvon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
airtwardo 6 #36 August 16, 2004 Quote Here's a great American joke. Electing this guy. *** What then...? "God save the Queen?" Oh yeah...I forgot! ~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
airtwardo 6 #37 August 16, 2004 Quote Oooh, a whole wrong form of a verb. That's cause for side splitting laughter, no doubt. *** ...Or you could have said something like: He's not the ONLY one to hold that office with a less than complete grasp of 'proper terminology' As I recall... Bill..." I did NOT have sex with that woman "...Clinton, may have possibly chosen his words at times, a bit more carefully! ~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mr2mk1g 10 #38 August 17, 2004 Ok, so this involves quite a few countries not just America... but I thought it would go quite well here: QuoteLast month, the UN conducted a world-wide survey. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure - In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Skyrad 0 #39 August 17, 2004 This American tourist in London gets into a cab and asks the cabbie to show him the sights. The driver takes him to Buckingham Palace where the American declares...."hell you call that a Palace? In the Stateswe have houses way bigger than that!" So the Cabbie takes him to Tower Bridge, where the American declares..."Hell boy, you call that a bridge? In the States we have bridges way bigger than that!" So a bit hacked off the cabbie takes him to Harrods, where the American declares...."Hell boy, you call that a shop? In the states we have shops way bigger than that!" The cabbie starts to smile and drives the Yank to Wapping where he parks across from the News of the world just as a lorry is unloading the paper. "Whats that?" asks the American. "Oh, thats a public toilet" Answers the cabbie....When an author is too meticulous about his style, you may presume that his mind is frivolous and his content flimsy. Lucius Annaeus Seneca Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Skyrad 0 #40 August 17, 2004 Up in Heaven, Alexander the Great, Frederick the Great and Napoleon are looking down on events in Iraq. Alexander says, "Wow, if I had just one of Bush's armored divisions, I would definitely have conquered India." Frederick the Great states, "Surely if I only had a few squadrons of Bush's air force I would have won the Seven Years War decisively in a matter of weeks." There is a long pause as three continue to watch events. Then Napoleon speaks, "And if I only had that Fox News, no one would have ever known that I lost the Russia campaign."When an author is too meticulous about his style, you may presume that his mind is frivolous and his content flimsy. Lucius Annaeus Seneca Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mr2mk1g 10 #41 August 17, 2004 I've heard the same joke except the cabbie takes him back to his hotel and clues up the staff who plant a tortoise in his room and tell him it's a cockroach. Similar joke but I guess not exactly directed at Americans – American on holiday in UK. Goes to Westminster Cathedral, in the corner of the Cathedral is a phone booth with a red phone and a sign saying “Telephone call direct to God, £1000”. Cool thinks the American, but I’m not paying a grand for a phone call, not even to God. He goes on to Lincoln Cathedral and sees the same booth in the corner. This time the sign reads “Telephone call direct to God, £800”. Well at least it’s come down… but I’m still not paying that much. On goes the tourist to York Minster where he sees the now familiar phone booth. This time the sign reads “Telephone call direct to God, 10p”. Shocked by the difference he pulls over the verger and tells him he’s been to both Westminster and they charged £1000. He’s been to Lincoln and they wanted £800…. Why does York Minster only want 10p? “Well” says the Verger in a thick Yorkshire accent…”God’s own county ain’t it. Local call!” (FYI – Yorkshire is traditionally referred to as “God’s own county” in the UK). Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Skyrad 0 #42 August 17, 2004 This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.When an author is too meticulous about his style, you may presume that his mind is frivolous and his content flimsy. Lucius Annaeus Seneca Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Skyrad 0 #43 August 17, 2004 Two Pakistanian guys wanted to become more American. The first guy decides to make a bet to see who can become the most American after one year. One year later, the two guys meet. The first guy says, "I drive a Cheverolet Truck, my son plays baseball for the school, I own a house in a respectable neighborhood, and I drink Budweiser." The other guy says, "Fuck you, Towelhead!"When an author is too meticulous about his style, you may presume that his mind is frivolous and his content flimsy. Lucius Annaeus Seneca Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mr2mk1g 10 #44 August 17, 2004 Funny - but I know you're gonna get a link to Snopes soon enough. edit: (re lighthouse vs. carrier) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wmw999 2,149 #45 August 17, 2004 QuoteFunny - but I know you're gonna get a link to Snopes soon enough Yeah, but he posted it in a jokes thread -- I'll give him a pass just this once. Wendy W.There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
storm1977 0 #46 August 17, 2004 QuoteTwo Pakistanian guys wanted to become more American. The first guy decides to make a bet to see who can become the most American after one year. One year later, the two guys meet. The first guy says, "I drive a Cheverolet Truck, my son plays baseball for the school, I own a house in a respectable neighborhood, and I drink Budweiser." The other guy says, "Fuck you, Towelhead!" No that is funny shit!!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Sometimes it is more important to protect LIFE than Liberty Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
winsor 187 #47 August 17, 2004 An American checks into a hotel in London and asks "Which way is the elevator?" The desk clerk responds "the lift? It's around the corner to your right." The American says "it's an elevator, not a lift. An American invented it." The desk clerk smiles and says "as I understand, it was an Englishman who invented the language...." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
peacefuljeffrey 0 #48 August 18, 2004 QuoteYou know, you are what you eat. It's why the English are called "Le Rosbif", The French are called "Frogs", The Germans are called "Krauts", and the Americans are called fat. If all the California Girls were laid end to end... Nobody would be surprised. Florida consists of a beach full of geriatrics and a beach full of drug dealers seperated by a swamp. This is America's idea of a tourist haven. Rest assured, there's more to come... Mike. Cool. Please try to make the next ones funny. --Jeffrey "With tha thoughts of a militant mind... Hard line, hard line after hard line!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
peacefuljeffrey 0 #49 August 18, 2004 QuoteBut the bit about the guy knocking himself unconscious hitting his head on the corner of a coffee table while choking on a pretzel can be pretty comical I don't eat pretzel, so I wouldn't know how dangerous they actually are!). "News of the World" material if you ask me... Kid just died in NY choking on popcorn at a movie theater. Yeah, choking's a HOOT. I never laugh so hard as I do when people choke. And choking can happen only to idiots. No one smart ever choked, that's for sure. --Jeffrey "With tha thoughts of a militant mind... Hard line, hard line after hard line!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
peacefuljeffrey 0 #50 August 18, 2004 QuoteI agree except for #2 - that fits the bill because it manages to send up the facts that 1) we're a FAT-ass nation, and 2) we're exporting our crap food that helps make you fat overseas and enabling the fatassification of other peoples as well. I think it should count. So... these countries that accept our fattening food -- and enjoy it -- they bear no responsibility for accepting it? Countries like China take American culture -- for better or worse -- and they eat it up. They eat our fast food garbage and they smoke our cigarettes. They're stupid enough to absorb the WORST of what we have to offer, and then you want to blame their willingness on US? --Jeffrey "With tha thoughts of a militant mind... Hard line, hard line after hard line!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
