happythoughts 0 #1 January 22, 2003 To All the Party Girls: Signs It's Time to Go Home 1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are. 2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room. 3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass. 4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago. 5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating. 6. You start crying. 7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work. 8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd. 9. The man you're flirting with used to be your fifth grade teacher. 10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming. 11. You've forgotten where you live. 12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like ten times by now) you only smoke when you drink. 13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka. 14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza. 15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..." 16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it. 17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves. 18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!). 19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
AggieDave 6 #2 January 22, 2003 Quote6. You start crying. A girl did that at a party I was at this weekend, no real reason, off topic of conversation, she stated that she felt sorry for us since we (not her) were all doomed to hell and started crying. She was really drunk...hmmmm. Someone quickly took outside then took her home.--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
miked10270 0 #3 January 22, 2003 "signs it's time to go home": Yes... But whose home? Taking the piss out of the FrenchAmericans since before it was fashionable. Prenait la pisse hors du FrançaisCanadiens méridionaux puisqu'avant lui à la mode. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skymama 35 #4 January 22, 2003 QuoteIn your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago. I hate it when that happens. It's very frightening!She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man, because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
riggerrob 558 #5 January 22, 2003 QuoteTo All the Party Girls: Signs It's Time to Go Home yada, yada 20. You throw up on the sidewalk while bar hopping. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites goose491 0 #6 January 22, 2003 Ha ha ha "Take me drunk, I'm home." Another sign that it's time to go home is when people tell you things like: "Bitch! Go home!!!" LOL I knew a real annoying girl who would not leave parties even after this had been said to her by about 70% of the crowd/drunken-mob. My Karma ran over my Dogma!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites happythoughts 0 #7 January 22, 2003 Quote Quote In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago. I hate it when that happens. It's very frightening! Oh, please! Like that ever happened. How my Saturday went: jump, chase Russians away from Skymama, jump, chase Americans away from SM, jump... If that one guy had been any more aggressive, you'd have had to arm wrestle him for it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites skymama 35 #8 January 22, 2003 QuoteOh, please! Like that ever happened. Oh, it always does when we're out partying. We put our make-up on and do our hair, and go out. A couple hours later, we go in the bathroom and the hair is a mess (especially if we've been dancing, but now the sweat has mixed with the hair spray so it's all sticky), the make-up has faded, lipstick has gone....it's very icky!She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man, because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites jessd 0 #9 January 22, 2003 Quote10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming. This is my queue to go home! Here's my contribution to the Wednesday Funnies: Never under estimate the little old Lady... A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day. carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the Bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!) The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand." "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away..." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites SpeedRacer 1 #10 January 22, 2003 Maybe I should use this one as my signature: After you pull the pin, Mr. Handgrenade is no longer your friend. Speed Racer -------------------------------------------------- Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites happythoughts 0 #11 January 22, 2003 "A couple hours later, we go in the bathroom and the hair is a mess (especially if we've been dancing..." Good thing that skydiving doesn't mess up your hair, huh? "I haf just bought penthouz in Miami, I vill be very rich soon, my little freeflyer..." "Hey buddy, no cutting in line. She'll talk to ya when it's your turn..." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites happythoughts 0 #12 January 22, 2003 Quote "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand." Can't imagine taking that bet. Most women can talk a man into doing that for free. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites mujie96 0 #13 January 22, 2003 QuoteMaybe I should use this one as my signature: After you pull the pin, Mr. Handgrenade is no longer your friend. An old boyfriend of mine used to keep a dud hand grenade from the surplus store in his glove box and toss it out the window if traffic got stupid. This was 4 years ago and I doubt that it would go over as well now but he said it was pretty effective. Just keep swimming...just keep swimming.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Zenister 0 #14 January 22, 2003 his name wasnt Jeph was it?? we did that in college quite a bit..put an M80 in the bottom just for effect..____________________________________ Those who fail to learn from the past are simply Doomed. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites happythoughts 0 #15 January 22, 2003 Why do brunettes think up so many blonde jokes? It gives them something to do on Saturday nights. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites skygod7777 0 #16 January 22, 2003 Quote 11. You've forgotten where you live. how do you go home if you forget were you live later Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites vanillasky11 0 #17 January 22, 2003 THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: a.. Indubitably b.. Innovative c.. Preliminary d.. Proliferation e.. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: a.. Specificity b.. British Constitution c.. Passive-aggressive disorder d.. Loquacious Transubstantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: a.. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex b.. Nope, no more booze for me c.. Sorry, but you're not really my type d.. Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight e.. Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing Ok, so the first two lists are hard to say when your NOT drunk, let alone wasted.. "You haven't seen a tree until you've seen its shadow from the sky." -- Amelia Earhart Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites jumperconway 0 #18 January 22, 2003 Subject: CloneAID releases photo > > > > January 9, 2003 AP -- In a bold move that startled the global > > scientific community, the group known as CloneAID today released a > > picture of its cloned offspring dubbed "Eve". > > > Those who oppose cloning were quick to react > > by saying that this is exactly what they feared most: > > laboratory-produced misfits with substandard mental abilities, > > lacking any socially redeeming qualities. > > > After performing personality and brainwave tests on the clone, even > > the top CloneAID scientists agreed that if this was the best they > > could do, cloning should be forever banned. > > Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites mujie96 0 #19 January 23, 2003 http://www.theonion.com/onion3902/index.html Always good for a laugh. Just keep swimming...just keep swimming.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites airtwardo 6 #20 January 23, 2003 1 more drunk chick funny ~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites skygod7777 0 #21 January 23, 2003 half to make it clicky http://www.theonion.com/onion3902/index.html later Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites indyz 1 #22 January 23, 2003 Funny quote on West Wing? "Tractor starter fluid won't kill you?" "No, it'll definitely kill you, but you'll get pretty high first." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites ECVZZ 0 #23 January 23, 2003 Hi! Can I buy you a drink? Sorry...couldn't resist after reading 3-a. G. Jones "I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around, the more I think it might not be a bad idea." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites SpeedRacer 1 #24 January 23, 2003 Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Osama bin Laden thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," said Osama bin Laden, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Osama bin Laden. The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Osama bin Laden took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go." Speed Racer -------------------------------------------------- Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites n2skdvn 0 #25 January 23, 2003 1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? 2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? 4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny? 8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? 10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? 11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? 12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? 13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? 14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? 15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? 16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. 21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? 22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? 23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? 24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning. 26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? 27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. 28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? 29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? 30. Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards i! s NAIVE. 31. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? 32. OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans ? 33. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN my site Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Join the conversation You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account. 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goose491 0 #6 January 22, 2003 Ha ha ha "Take me drunk, I'm home." Another sign that it's time to go home is when people tell you things like: "Bitch! Go home!!!" LOL I knew a real annoying girl who would not leave parties even after this had been said to her by about 70% of the crowd/drunken-mob. My Karma ran over my Dogma!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #7 January 22, 2003 Quote Quote In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago. I hate it when that happens. It's very frightening! Oh, please! Like that ever happened. How my Saturday went: jump, chase Russians away from Skymama, jump, chase Americans away from SM, jump... If that one guy had been any more aggressive, you'd have had to arm wrestle him for it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skymama 35 #8 January 22, 2003 QuoteOh, please! Like that ever happened. Oh, it always does when we're out partying. We put our make-up on and do our hair, and go out. A couple hours later, we go in the bathroom and the hair is a mess (especially if we've been dancing, but now the sweat has mixed with the hair spray so it's all sticky), the make-up has faded, lipstick has gone....it's very icky!She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man, because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jessd 0 #9 January 22, 2003 Quote10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming. This is my queue to go home! Here's my contribution to the Wednesday Funnies: Never under estimate the little old Lady... A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day. carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the Bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!) The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand." "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away..." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SpeedRacer 1 #10 January 22, 2003 Maybe I should use this one as my signature: After you pull the pin, Mr. Handgrenade is no longer your friend. Speed Racer -------------------------------------------------- Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #11 January 22, 2003 "A couple hours later, we go in the bathroom and the hair is a mess (especially if we've been dancing..." Good thing that skydiving doesn't mess up your hair, huh? "I haf just bought penthouz in Miami, I vill be very rich soon, my little freeflyer..." "Hey buddy, no cutting in line. She'll talk to ya when it's your turn..." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #12 January 22, 2003 Quote "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand." Can't imagine taking that bet. Most women can talk a man into doing that for free. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mujie96 0 #13 January 22, 2003 QuoteMaybe I should use this one as my signature: After you pull the pin, Mr. Handgrenade is no longer your friend. An old boyfriend of mine used to keep a dud hand grenade from the surplus store in his glove box and toss it out the window if traffic got stupid. This was 4 years ago and I doubt that it would go over as well now but he said it was pretty effective. Just keep swimming...just keep swimming.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Zenister 0 #14 January 22, 2003 his name wasnt Jeph was it?? we did that in college quite a bit..put an M80 in the bottom just for effect..____________________________________ Those who fail to learn from the past are simply Doomed. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #15 January 22, 2003 Why do brunettes think up so many blonde jokes? It gives them something to do on Saturday nights. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skygod7777 0 #16 January 22, 2003 Quote 11. You've forgotten where you live. how do you go home if you forget were you live later Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
vanillasky11 0 #17 January 22, 2003 THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: a.. Indubitably b.. Innovative c.. Preliminary d.. Proliferation e.. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: a.. Specificity b.. British Constitution c.. Passive-aggressive disorder d.. Loquacious Transubstantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: a.. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex b.. Nope, no more booze for me c.. Sorry, but you're not really my type d.. Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight e.. Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing Ok, so the first two lists are hard to say when your NOT drunk, let alone wasted.. "You haven't seen a tree until you've seen its shadow from the sky." -- Amelia Earhart Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jumperconway 0 #18 January 22, 2003 Subject: CloneAID releases photo > > > > January 9, 2003 AP -- In a bold move that startled the global > > scientific community, the group known as CloneAID today released a > > picture of its cloned offspring dubbed "Eve". > > > Those who oppose cloning were quick to react > > by saying that this is exactly what they feared most: > > laboratory-produced misfits with substandard mental abilities, > > lacking any socially redeeming qualities. > > > After performing personality and brainwave tests on the clone, even > > the top CloneAID scientists agreed that if this was the best they > > could do, cloning should be forever banned. > > Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mujie96 0 #19 January 23, 2003 http://www.theonion.com/onion3902/index.html Always good for a laugh. Just keep swimming...just keep swimming.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
airtwardo 6 #20 January 23, 2003 1 more drunk chick funny ~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skygod7777 0 #21 January 23, 2003 half to make it clicky http://www.theonion.com/onion3902/index.html later Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
indyz 1 #22 January 23, 2003 Funny quote on West Wing? "Tractor starter fluid won't kill you?" "No, it'll definitely kill you, but you'll get pretty high first." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ECVZZ 0 #23 January 23, 2003 Hi! Can I buy you a drink? Sorry...couldn't resist after reading 3-a. G. Jones "I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around, the more I think it might not be a bad idea." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SpeedRacer 1 #24 January 23, 2003 Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Osama bin Laden thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," said Osama bin Laden, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Osama bin Laden. The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Osama bin Laden took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go." Speed Racer -------------------------------------------------- Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
n2skdvn 0 #25 January 23, 2003 1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? 2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? 4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny? 8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? 10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? 11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? 12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? 13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? 14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? 15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? 16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. 21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? 22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? 23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? 24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning. 26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? 27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. 28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? 29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? 30. Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards i! s NAIVE. 31. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? 32. OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans ? 33. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN my site Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
