Struggles. Nothing but struggles.

[Michele 1]

Man, what a day. As I write this, I realize I haven't been this sore and achy from skydiving ever, with the exception of my crash. And that is NOT what happened today...

After a night filled with skydiving nightmares (in one, I get to the dz, and there's no gear, so an instructor lends me his "spare", which has no leg straps and fits a 37 sq. foot canopy. He tells me I'll be "just fine"...), I manage to get to the DZ at 7:30, only to discover that the gear store is not open until 8...so I walk around, and wait. I talk to some sleepy and hungover folks, and, in the overcast, damp, grey morning, I wait...gear is obtained, and I find Grasshopper, and ask him if he can pack for me today. He agrees, and, in his own way, wishes me a great day. I see Mark the Shark, and get the first hug of the day from him. He is great, cheerful and happy to see me. While we can't jump, he's sort of a touchstone for me - his presence there is good for me.

I see Melanie, and she introduces me to MJ, who is running the free 2-way camp (we only pay for our own tickets...) and I decide to go ahead and do the camp. MJ's blue eyes, sharp and intense, size me up...who is this person? Can she jump? Can she learn? And then I realize that is all my own insecurities...he's prolly actually thinking about what he's going to have for breakfast.

We get into the mini-seminar, and start watching videos. I can feel the insecurities mounting. Jay, the other first timer at the camp, has something on the order of 450 jumps, while I have all of 49. I am stressing badly - first jump of the day, at a new-to-me dz (except it's really not), a new instructor who seems like he's going to be hard and all I want to do is sleep...or find some more coffee. And the pace he's setting, should the clouds ever clear, is going to be, for me, challenging. He wants 5 jumps from me, and while I agree, I condition it on how gently the ground catches me today. I know he's expecting a lot from me performance wise, and I haven't a lot to give.

We get out onto the creepers, and I learn all about center point, what it is and what it is not, how to turn around it, how it holds me stable, and on the creepers, he compliments my form. It hurts, this bottom clenching thing. I think I need on of those Jane Fonda tapes or something...and we are learning the Mantis position - "hands in front, like holding a basketball getting ready to toss it", he says. This analogy doesn't work well for me...I don't think I've held a basketball in more than 2 decades, let alone tossed it to anyone. I try anyway, and finally get the position. But it feels awkward, and I wonder if I'm going to revert to the boxman position in the middle of everything. Sigh. Something to learn, and that's what I'm here for. Learning...and now it's cleared up and we are manifested.

I get a jumpsuit from the school, and clamber into it. It's tight, though. And as I move in this, I feel it pulling and tugging, not letting me find the arch. I figure everything is always harder on the ground, and go get geared up. I get to jump with Melanie, and we're trying a new exit...she floats, and I dive. O.K., this is new, too. At least, new to doing it right. She and I talk about it, but only get through the mockup once. She's such a sweetie, my new friend, and is playing and laughing; liquid silver sprinkles the air, and she grins, flashing her humor at me. She relaxes me, her teasing and generosity with her joy. We get on the plane, and squeeze together rather tightly. I am feeling nervous, but not too badly...I have soooooooo many new things to remember, and to try. Up and away, and while in flight I look at the container of the guy next to me. His flaps are undone, and his pilot chute has worked loose. We put him back together, and I try really hard to not touch his kit again. And as we approach jump run, he does not ask for a gear check...which bothers me a little.

Green light. Door open. Cold air comes washing in. And they start to disappear into the hazy blue, pairs, trios...and then Melanie and I make it to the door. I take grips, and out-in-out and free and grinning and smiling and laughing and it's steep but we don't funnel. I push hard for my arch, and we level off quickly. But now, however, I am chipping all over the place, and drifting right. She gives me the arch signal, and I try again, but I guess this jumpsuit is a little tight, because I never get into the hard arch position. Just can't get there. Somehow, though, I get my hands down and in front, and I stabilize. And then go right back to chipping and drifting. I cross my eyes at her, and try again...and this time, somehow, manage to get stable again. But I'm still drifting. Finally I signal her I'm going to try a center point turn, and do so. And then the other way. She grins, and now it's time to break off and track...which we do. I open high, because I want to see where I'm going, and there's the huge X...canopy was uneventful, winds were at about 5-7, and I make it close to my target.

Debrief, and we decide to chuck the jumpsuit. Jeans and turtlenecks it is. And now I'm wishing I had some long johns on. It's chilly on the ground, and I wonder what it will be like in the air...back to the creepers, and more work on body position. And more owies on my bottom, and now my lower back is aching. Not to mention my upper back has just cramped. Time for water. And back to the creepers. Now work the exit with MJ, who teaches me how to go about it. Down, drop the left shoulder, present, leave right foot behind. over and over, trying to do this right, to the point where my legs are tired. I still can't get it right. Still too high, still launching instead of falling. Still not dropped left enough. Ahhh, shit.

And back into the plane, and up into the sky. As the plane travels down the runway, we bump and lurch and feel the plane suddenly correct itself like a swerving car. Jumpers exchange nervous glances, and we brace ourselves, looking at the pilot for reassurance. He is a great pilot, not the one I flew with before, but still. He's great. He must've been avoiding something, because we accelerate and are soon airborne. Clouds dot the horizon, but are far enough away for me to not be terribly concerned. I am antsy in the plane, thinking and worrying and pretending it's all good. Fake it til you make it, as they say, so I sit there and grin at the jumpers, not really seeing them. I look at Melanie, and she grins a real grin, and yells "fuckin' awsome, girl!" and I have to laugh.

Jumprun. I get to the door tentatively, and am slow taking my grips and getting my shoulder dropped. MJ shoves my shoulder into position, and gives the count...and I try to leave my right foot behind, and just drop, but am seized with the sudden thought that I'll whack it on the plane. O.K., it's not sudden, this thought, but it's now gonna happen. I'm sure of it. That hesitation, though, means the timing was wayyyyy off, and I am dragged from the plane. Which means, of course, that we hit the hill really steeply. So I arch, and grin. These are my only solutions. We manage to level off, and get face to face. I let go of him, and get my hands in front of me. And drift. And he's giving me the tighten your bottom signal, lift your knees signal, and I try. Really hard. I manage it for a brief moment, and can feel the difference in my fallrate, but then can't hold it. And now my legs are uneven. And so are my shoulders. I start at my head, trying to realign the position, straighten out everything. And as soon as one thing is right, all the rest go do their own thing. I'm all over the sky now. And while I am still grinning, it's more because that's what I do and not what I feel. But I am not chipping, at least. I roll my eyes at him, and try again, all the while being really aware of where we are in the jump. At 6500 I am finally holding a heading and not backsliding so badly, so he throws a centerpoint turn. And now it's time to break, and track...which I do, and deploy and now I'm under a good canopy. I decide to play a little bit, even though we're kind of far upwind. I turn, spot all the other canopies in the air, and just rest, just relax. My bottom hurts, my back hurts, and damnit that was a shitty jump. But it's not over just yet...and as I set up to land, I realize I'm not where I want to be, so make the best of it. For the first time I see the spot which doesn't move, and know I will be landing in a field littered with small purple flowers. And it's time to flare. Gently, slowly, smoothly I flare, trying to remember what Jim taught me, and it feels good and right and timed well...and I hit the ground, take one single step, and lay my canopy on the ground. And there, just behind my canopy, as I am gathering it up, I see one lone yellow flower mixed with the purple ones. As I stand there, looking at it, I realize I have just jumped from a plane, used a canopy, and landed well, at a dz I am not yet comfortable at, and there are friends here for me, too. How fucking excellent, and I grin...I just flew through the February sky, and sailed through the day. No matter it wasn't a good performance, no matter I have no idea what I'm doing yet. No matter all the little insignificant failures I experience on a daily basis...I am, for a brief moment, pure and hopeful and expectant and joyous. I am me for this fleeting moment in a way I've only just begun to discover. I am whole.

And back to MJ, debrief; back to the creepers, and back to the mock-up exit and leaving my foot behind. Back to the sore bottom and pained back. Back to the angst and the worry and the performance anxiety. Back to the stress and the weather concerns and watching windsocks. Back to manifest, and then back to the plane. And back into the air...

And now the clouds are closer, but the DZ is still clear. The cloud tops are at 4,500, exactly where I'm supposed to pull. I frantically search my mind, trying to remember what I'm supposed to do if I track into a cloud, or if I get into a cloud under canopy...and then MJ realizes what's cruising through this mind of mine, and reminds me....pull. Do the dive plan, no deviations. Just jump...but when the door opens, I feel the fear grab my throat and close it off. I peer out the door, and there is a hole directly under me. I know this fear is in my head, and has nothing to do with reality, but I briefly consider riding the plane down. But that would be giving in, that would be quitting. And I don't quit. I take a deep breath, look at the large hole, and nod at MJ - "hey, let's go already!" I declare.

To the door. Reach up, grip, drop the shoulder. Line up legs and feet, and the count is given. And we are out, far better this time, not nearly as steep. And that's the last thing which went as planned on that jump. I release my hold on him, and promptly turn sideways, and slide away from him. He chases me down, gets in front of me, and gives me the 'flatten signal". I am very high with my chest, and my knees are dropping badly. And my legs are uneven. But my hands are in front of me. I can't control my legs, and I start wobbling, side to side, pitching around the sky. I think I should just track away...I am a danger to him...but then realize I still need to fight back. The jump's not done, and there are clouds now because I've traveled so far. But I still have a little bit, still have a little time. And I fight back, trying to get my legs even, my hips down. MJ cruises to me, and gets down to my legs. He gets his hand under my thigh, and lifts it while at the same time bends the calf, literally putting my left leg in place. Pity there wasn't two of him, because my right leg ignored me, and wouldn't cooperate. And as soon as MJ let me go, the left leg did it's own thing, too. Damn it to hell and back...and now it's turn and track time, so I do...directly over a cloud.
Shitfuck.

Wave off anyway, deploy as I start to fall into it. Open the canopy, grab the toggles, and spiral down yelling all the while, as if someone could hear me or something. And finally the ground appears, gauzy and indistinct, and I make out the lake. I'm going the wrong way. I turn 180, and check my alti. No tourism this time, no dancing or sailing. I grab rear risers and lift my legs a little, and manage to get close to the dz...and because I've overreacted, I still have plenty of altitude to set my pattern. But for some reason, instead of a downwind, crosswind, upwind pattern, I do an upwind, crosswind, downwind, crosswind pattern...and realize it only at about 100 feet, as I go to full flight and watch the ground slide sideways under me. Well, too late, this is it...and now it's flare time, and even though I know it's crosswind, I don't get the hands uneven until too late. I yank the right toggle down for some stupid head-up-my-ass reason that I still don't get, and prepare to slide...feet up, spikes out...and come to a stop crosswise to my canopy. Yep, a crosswind landing. I stand, and I stomp my feet. I am furious with myself.

I trudge back to the packing area, and see the wall of rain in the distance. Nope, I'm done. I don't even need to tell MJ, he's seen my face. He hugs me, tells me it's o.k., and asks what I learned today. I tell him the biggest thing I learned was that I have to learn everything. He laughs. I tell him I'll be back for sure, and that I will be good someday. Maybe not today, maybe not soon. But damn it, someday I'll be good.

I just hope it's soon. It was such a struggle for me today. Such a damned hard struggle. And while I am struggling, I am laughing and smiling and having fun.

Ciels-
Michele

~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek
While our hearts lie bleeding?~

[jerm 0]

Quote

It was such a struggle for me today. Such a damned hard struggle. And while I am struggling, I am laughing and smiling and having fun.

EXCELLENT!!! Cause that's what it's all about, having fun... i think people forget that sometimes, and it's a bloody shame... seriously.

You have the right attitude, and that is awesome... that and your writing.... frikkin awesome!


Blue skies and soft landings!

Landing without injury is not necessarily evidence that you didn't fuck up... it just means you got away with it this time

[hooked 0]

Quote

You have the right attitude, and that is awesome... that and your writing.... frikkin awesome!

Yes!!!!! Once again, Michele gives us an awesome post about her day of skydiving! Thank you so much!


J

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Sometimes we're just being Humans.....But we're always Human Beings.

[dropdeded 0]

Damn Michele,what a pleasure to read.How do you DO thatHey,scratch that question about where to read some of your work

dropdeded

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The Dude Abides.
-

[Shark 0]

Sometimes having fun hurts.

[lawrocket 3]

Michele:

Thank you for doign what I cannot. First, I wish I had that kind of recall about my jumps. I thought I remembered a lot about what happened. Looks like I need some work.

Most importantly, thank you for putting into words what I think about every time I leave the DZ. "Maybe not today, maybe not soon. But damn it, someday I'll be good. "

For me, it certainly won't be soon. But someday... It's nice to know there is someone who can state what I feel. I know I'm pretty lousy at putting it into words...

--
.

My wife is hotter than your wife.

[wingnut 0]

Quote

Maybe not today, maybe not soon. But damn it, someday I'll be good.

and we'll be here waiting for the report on those jumps...wishing you the best on each and every one!!!


you better be at the perris gathering in may!! cuz the jump i have planned is so not hard and so so fun.... nothing better than to just hang out in the air!!!!......and maybe a fruitloop thrown in for good measure!!!

______________________________________
"i have no reader's digest version"

[bluefingers 0]

Hey Michelle
Thanks for this. I know exactly where you are coming from with the whole performance anxiety thing. Glad to know I'm not the only one who struggles. The main thing is that you are not giving up, have no intention of doing so, and you are having a ball. That's what it's all about at the end of the day!
You go girl!

Kerry

[mouth 0]

Beautiful as always.

The phrase "it's not whether you win or loose, but how you play the game" comes to mind here, and Michele, you play the game like a true winner.

I'm with Wingie in that you simply MUST be at perris in May. Oh, and you owe me dinner remember while I owe you a jump ticket.

--
Hot Mama
At least you know where you stand even if it is in a pile of shit.

[ladyskydiver 0]

As always, Michele, an awesome story. Glad you had fun on your jumps.
I can't wait to jump with you.

Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably. And never regret anything that made you smile.

[Iflyme 0]

Thanks for sharing, Michele. I'm glad you are not giving up! Keep fightin' and you'll keep learning!!!

[RevJim 0]

Nice story there Michele. It's close to how I feel at the DZ, but not quite. I am not good either, but I have accepted the fact that I may never be that good. I strive to have fun on every jump, be safe for myself and all those around me. As long as I can acomplish those things, I am happy. Sure, someday, with experience, I may be good, but I don't expect it. All I expect is the pure enjoyment of the jump.

It's ok not to be great, as long as you enjoy what you are doing. I simply avoid jumping with those that expect perfection on each and every jump.

Find some Muff Brothers, some Rodriguez Brothers, and maybe even some Team Funnel members and go HAVE FUN! The experience will lead to you having fun and most likely getting better, without the performance anxiety and pressure!

It's your life, live it!
Karma
RB#684 "Corcho", ASK#60, Muff#3520, NCB#398, NHDZ#4, C-33989, DG#1

[ozthebum 0]

Quote

No matter all the little insignificant failures I experience on a daily basis...I am, for a brief moment, pure and hopeful and expectant and joyous. I am me for this fleeting moment in a way I've only just begun to discover. I am whole.

Thanks for the great story and reminding me why I got hooked in the first place. It's stories like that, that keep me going until I can get back in the skies myself. Thanks again.

[Michele 1]

Ow. That's about all I have to say today.

Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

It was like AFF1 all over again with all the new stuff I was trying to learn, and all the bad stuff I was trying to correct.

There was some discussion at the end of the day about the container I rented being a little too long for me, sort of blocking my arch. I am somewhat hesitant to blame the gear, though, because that's too easy. Anyone have any opinions about that?

(And yes, I'll try to be at Perris for the gathering. But no promises just yet...)

Owwwwwwwwwwwwww. Damn it, but owwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Ciels-
Michele

~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek
While our hearts lie bleeding?~

[Snowbird 0]

Quote

No matter it wasn't a good performance, no matter I have no idea what I'm doing yet. No matter all the little insignificant failures I experience on a daily basis...I am, for a brief moment, pure and hopeful and expectant and joyous. I am me for this fleeting moment in a way I've only just begun to discover. I am whole.

Hey Michele if you don't mind I'm gonna print that out and stick it in my logbook!

I'd put money on it that everyone has 'been there, done that'. You look around at everyone who makes it look easy, and want to be at that point too. So I've just decided to enjoy the journey.

And as far as being cold goes... gal you have to come here and jump if you want to feel cold!

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein

[Michele 1]

Quote

if you don't mind I'm gonna print that out and stick it in my logbook!

Go for it. I may have to do the same thing, so I can remember that when I'm feeling frustrated and stomping around. LOL!!!

Ciels-
Michele

~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek
While our hearts lie bleeding?~

[curtismelaniej 0]

All I can say to everyone is get this chick in freefall and see that SMILE!! Michele, thank you for the jump this weekend-- if nothing else you learned that the Fuckin-A Awesome hand signal is the most important one-- coming in just ahead of Squeeze the Butt Cheeks. Just like everyone has said, keep fighting, keep your positive outlook, and you WILL be hot shit someday!! Keep coming back to the 2-way camp, I want to get you back in freefall!
Cheers and blues, girlfriend,
Mel

__________________________________________________________
http://www.skydiveelsinore.com/teams/EXCEL/basic_camp.html

[skr 1]

It sounds to me like people are trying to teach
you technique - elbow here, shoulder there,
mantis this, center point that - when what you
are looking for is your place in the sky.

Even at the initial coach level just off of AFF
I see people who are maxed out just coming
out the dropzone, jumping out and throwing
their pilot chute, and there is someone trying
to dirt dive them through some complicated
freefall routine.

Somehow people get too focused too soon
on form and structure and accomplishment.

There is something missing in how we teach
perspective to our teachers.


I wish I could stop by Elsinore and make some
jumps with you. I probably wouldn't be able to
find it from the air now though with all the houses
and stuff :-) :-)

Skr

[Michele 1]

Quote

I wish I could stop by Elsinore and make some jumps with you.

Um, well, that would be...uh, hummmmm....how should I say this.... FANTASTIC!!!!! And I know what it looks like now - there's this really big X that you can see really well from alti. So when you do come out, I'll be waiting to claim your time, my friend. I know it may be a while, but the sky'll wait. And at the rate I progress, I'll still be floudering around, grinning and flailing away.

Oh, and Mel, that's the most fun hand signal, and to do it with both hands as you're flying through 8K totally rawks!

Ciels-
Michele

~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek
While our hearts lie bleeding?~

[smiles 0]

Hey- it is going back 15 years to recall my training, and reading your post brought back memories!!
Of course my training was static line after a tandem jump and I was wearing army boots that didn't fit well, huge helmet that covered my eyes when I looked up at the plane on exit, and landing under a round canopy. Looking back- one thing I do recall is I had so many experienced jumpers that took me up for 2-ways (did not pay for their jumps) There was a huge family of skydivers all trying to help me out in many different ways. Everyone learns different...I remember getting told over and over by instructor- "you are not feeling the air when you launch"...I'd go home screaming in the car "you are not feeling the air"....???? like what the hell was I doing then??
I resented some- who to this day I respect to the highest-- no one took me quietly to the side and explained about the first few seconds of awareness taking time to develop, ....one day I landed remembering every second of my jump! One experience jumper told me one day that the "exit" was the best part of the jump....??? I thought he was crazy until the day I left the aircraft not having to think about my body position- and "felt the air" as some would say!! I presented my body and was flying...then I became aware of launching together with others...or "flying my slot"....and enjoying the "exit."

The greatest thing about this sport is being able to "give" it back. New jumpers at a d.z. is what makes the place alive. All those that took part in teaching me to fly gave back- and to this day the real joy, the most exuberance that is felt- is doing the same.

The kind of things you say to yourself are an important indication of the way you feel. Some are too aggressive, some suppress the normal amount needed. You may lack confidence, or have too much.
Recognize you are new to this, but you have excellent basis to build apon.
You have the ability to clear away the baggage that gets in the way- if you keep the spectator part of you in the stands, and behaving as an encouraging, supportive fan rather than an agent provocatuer.
Find a mentor with whom you have a good rapport, they will take you under their wing and guide you.
Also, try to get video of your dives- excellent to take home after debrief for a learning tool.

It sounds to me your awareness is excellent!! You recall everything so well...with freefall time, you will one day soon be writing here about the dive you made that was the best, better than you ever dreamed it could be.

Smiles