Mortality ...

[TB99 0]

These last two or three days, I've had this weird feeling I couldn't describe to myself, let alone anyone else. I just ignored it.
This morning, I finally had the nerve to read the incident reports. I don't like to read them even tho I know we can all learn from them and benefit.

I realized we had about 5 fatalities and many more injuries (not 100% sure on the number) all in just April alone! That, to me, is an incredible number. I read about the experience of the jumpers and most of them were very experienced or at least had 2-300 jumps. Not only that, but our DZ alone has had about 8 cutaways in just 2 weeks (roughly). All the numbers just seem so unusually high for this month.

Today the feeling was just not leaving me alone, and I went out to the DZ late in the afternoon. My last landing of the day kind've shook me up, mostly mentally. I came in lower than I should have and brushed my knees on the ground. I was unharmed, and it really wasn't as bad as it looked, but it still rocked me. I don't know why I did it ... I know better. I know when to let out of turns or when to adjust. I even noticed my mental picture of the turn was low while I was still turning, yet I didn't let up like I usually do and know. Why did I continue the turn? I don't know, but I realize this ... life is just WAY too short. We all will die eventually, and we just have to live as best as we can. This feeling actually still is lingering ... the feeling of mortality.

I hope this isn't a sore subject to anyone, especially after the loss of a fellow DZ.commer. I really just needed to let this out. I want to move on, and get over all these deaths that seem to be around me (since I've started in the sport, I keep seeing more and more people I know badly injured or killed). All I can do is continue to jump and live happy ... sorry for the rambles and thanks for listening ....

Trailer 11/12 was the best. Thanks for the memories ... you guys rocked!

[jtval 0]

Im sure the same thought has run through most ,if not , all of our heads.

My photos

My Videos

[RichM 0]

From the slightly different perspective of age it all looks very similar. As you get older the people you knew die of this or that disease, car/bike accident. You either go early or you get to see others go first. You're circle family and friends gets smaller. But if you're a skydiver your family is large and gets larger as you get older; is friendly and can always be found on the internet or at a dz anytime to talk to, drink with and share. To our family...

Rich M

[Islandcool 0]

I have to agree with you. I didn't know Holly personally but I knew her enough where it has been a thought on my mind since I head of the incident. I have never dealt with issues of death very well. My main defense has been to avoid funerals and close the door on my memories no matter how fond and move on. I just turned 38 and as I get older there are more folk I know passing on. Holly was the first person I knew that has passed in this sport and it has affected me somehow. I cannot describe the feeling. I know tho it would be a disservice to her to ignore her death or anyone else's that I cared about. I was at my rigger's home and there was a great photo of a 10 way at sunset. Ya know one of those post card pictures. He was on that 10-way and he had mentioned that 3 of the skydivers that were on it had now passed. He didn't go into detail nor speak to much about it but I could tell he was somewhat troubled by it. I didn't push for anymore info and left it there. I'm afraid I will know more people that pass and some I will be closer to than others but in any case it is time for me to face it and deal with it. I said a prayer for Holly and asked god to make sure he looked out for her. That's the best I can do right now. The main thing is I don't have to be afraid of my emotions and close the door on it or run from it.

I am also sorry for the rambling but I had no one to talk to about this and it seemed like the appropriate place.

Take care

Ed

[MissMae 0]

From a newbie dz.com-er I know where you are coming from.

I witnessed a fellow skydiver die almost 2 years ago and I was fairly new in the sport. It was pretty traumatic for me as it was my first CRW jump and he basically died right there in a few of our arms while we all performed CPR on him and begged him to hold on. Not one of my best memories. After that I almost felt like I had to prove something to who, I have no idea. But nothing scared me. Now, things are gradually starting to seem more real as far as death goes, and sometimes I actually have to take a nice deep breath and just go out the door. So I think I know about where you are. Although I find that I go through phases where the first jump is really almost scary, but the 2nd one feels better and better as the day goes. Maybe that is just because I'm only a weekend jumper?

take the time to appreciate the people around you.

[TB99 0]

I need to add a few things ...

The experience I had today mentally did not even come close to scaring me away from the sport. After that jump, I was already suited up for the next one ready to go, but weather rolled in and called the day.

I know the dangers of this sport, as does everyone else that partakes in it. Accidents happen, people die .. such is the nature of the sport and such is the nature of life. It's not going to keep me from jumping.

Nothing's changed mentally about what I think of the sport ... the only thing I am experiencing is overall life thoughts of mortality, if that makes sense. I can't explain, and it really is hard for me to express what I mean without misinterpretations ... I'll stop now

Trailer 11/12 was the best. Thanks for the memories ... you guys rocked!

[skybytch 259]

Quote

Holly was the first person I knew that has passed in this sport and it has affected me somehow.

It affects everyone, I think. It goes beyond "normal" grieving; the first time that someone you know dies skydiving you are forced - quickly and painfully - to realize deep down inside exactly how dangerous this sport is. I know many people who quit the sport within weeks of losing their first friend to it. They see that they could die just as easily and for them the risk is no longer worth the reward.

You never get used to losing friends at the dz, no matter how many years you're a skydiver. It's the worst part of this sport. I think every jumper has to decide for themselves that the joy of flying with your friends is enough to get you through the pain and sadness when one of those friends is killed.

For all of you who lost their first friend to skydiving on Saturday - my thoughts are with you.

[Michele 1]

TB, don't stop. Talk it out and through. It's a hard idea to articulate, so worry not...your post is providing thoughts for others to think about, and is allowing them a place to bring this emotional muddle we are facing.

As to you not stopping, perhaps you're not, but there may be some who are second thinking it. That's fine and normal. It hurts really badly, and can really change perspectives on things.

Just a thought or two...and I want to encourage you and all others who need a place to toss ideas around to do so - for it teaches us all, and for that, I appreciate the willingness to post and talk.

Ciels-
Michele

~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek
While our hearts lie bleeding?~

[MissMae 0]

You are right about never getting used to losing friends, but look at how many good friends you gain with similiar interests. Not that it makes it any easier to lose someone you care about, but it helps to know you have a support group at the DZ.

take the time to appreciate the people around you.

[kizzie92 0]

Love each other and don't be afraid to say it. You never know when you may not get the chance to say it again.

Tony

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

[hookitt 0]

We don't ever get used to it. I lost 2 skydiving buddies last year. One was not due to skydiving. That hurt everyone who knew them, just as Holly's passing is making us all grieve. All three of these people were bigger than life and very happy in their own skin.

I will forever miss them. I wish this was the last but it is not.

I have memories to last a lifetime. I traded knowledge friendship skills beers (one tried to give me an I.V. but mostly left me bruised But I'd do it again.

I'm very sad today. This too will pass for all of us. Take care everyone. Our lives go on, live it well.

My grammar sometimes resembles that of magnetic refrigerator poetry... Ghetto

[sunshine 2]

Unfortunatley it never gets easier. Holly makes friend #4 that i've lost to skydiving. i almost lost another one back in january, but thank god he survived. You'd think it would get easier, but it doesn't. It's still losing a freind.

___________________________________________
meow

I get a Mike hug! I get a Mike hug!

[eddytheeagle 0]

Every time a friend dies in the sport, it leaves behind deep scratches on your soul. They fade over the years, but never go away completely. The double fatality in Negambie last weekend brought back to me the memories of two friends who died of a canopy collision last year. Being together at the club afterwards was crucial in the mourning process. Talking to others who understand helps, as does sharing thoughts here on dz.com.

Getting back into the plane again was weird, but I never considered stopping jumping, as I love jumping so much. After a while, the fun of jumping came back again, as it should, cause that's why we do it, why we are willing to give our lives doing it. It's hard, but this dark side of the sport is really part of the sport. Never forget the fun part of it though!

Big hugs to everyone!

Don't underestimate your ability to screw up!

[wmw999 2,122]

Quote

We all will die eventually, and we just have to live as best as we can.

Yup. To me, the best thing we can do is make our life the best gift to ourselves and others that we can. Never lose the opportunity to say something nice to someone when you can -- that way if you can't sometime, you won't be beating yourself up as much, and no one deserves that.

Wendy W.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[sarge 0]

For those of us who live life flying in from a 720 or others who fly straight-in, is of lesser consequence than that we all share as a common bond; a passion, a dream, a reality.

No tragedy could shake me from my pillar. For upon it has been built an altar from which I worship life. From this place I have know the reality that no wonder, no dream can replace. The experience, the amazement, that my imagination could previously never imagine, the threshold of a broad universe has been revealed. I am present, I am aware and I am alive; my life has meaning, I will live forever.

Peace

.

--
I'm done with the personally meaningful and philosophical sigs!!

[Deleted 0]

Hey, I have been in this sport for 5 years. I have lost about 6 friends, and a boyfriend. It is never easy to deal with this. And the only thing that helps is time. I have quit this sport 3 times. Once each time after losing someone very close. And every time I have come back to this sport. I love the people, and humane flight. So I gues my point would be...talk as much as you want until you feel ok with it. Mourn as long as you want, until you are ok with it. And jump as long as you want, as long as your ok with it.
Sad Skies

[MissMae 0]

I'm sorry to hear about losing your boyfriend. I know losing friends is rough enough, I can't imagine losing someone you have shared more with than anyone else. My heart goes out to you. It seems like the losses keep hitting closer to home with every one that comes along. I hope I don't get any closer to home than this, I don't think I could handle it.

take the time to appreciate the people around you.

[billvon 2,400]

>I realized we had about 5 fatalities and many more injuries (not 100%
> sure on the number) all in just April alone! That, to me, is an incredible
> number.

Unfortunately not that unusual. USPA gets reports on between ~25 and ~55 fatalities a year. On a bad year you'll see 4-5 fatalities a month. On one really bad year (1981) we lost one out of every 250 USPA members.

It's scary to consider, but a good idea to consider it before it affects us personally. Thinking about it beforehand can help us prepare for the day when we do lose someone close to us.

[Michele 1]

I was once asked how would I change my behavior if I knew I were to die on a certain date. I've thought about that over the years, but only recently have I come to these conclusions.

I would love more, openly and unabashedly. I would dance to whatever music is playing, just because I felt like moving.

I would sympathize more with people, understand them better, listen harder, and be more compassionate.

I would learn more, about things I didn't know before, but which matters...like how flowers get their colors, or if bees had souls.

I would seek - friends, knowledge, experience. I would search for hearts hidden beneath pain, and ask them to come play. I would play with everyone more, and let them win at everything.

I'd tell those I love that they are loved. I would hug perfect strangers, knowing that hugs are as valuable as any currency available. And I would find a way to love those I don't already love.

I'd smile. At strangers, at friends, at the grocery clerk, I would grin. And I would see them smile back, and be complete. A circle smile, I suppose...

I would reach out to people I've never met, and tell them they are valuable. Communicate their worth so they will always know someone, at some time, found value in them, and held them high.

I would notice. I would see the dawns and the sunsets, I would hear the birdsong and the wind. I would listen to the silence of the stars, shining in the night. And I would feel - touch rose petals, grass, people's hair, cloth. I would immerse myself in my senses.

I would have confidence. Confidence to shine, bright or not so bright. Confidence to try anything, and not be frightened of neither success nor failure....

I would not fear. For fear is the greatest inhibitor, fear the greatest challenge, fear the greatest disabler of accomplishments. If I loved as much as I could, there would be no room for fear.

And so, in light of recent events, in looking back and recognizing that the unknown is unknowable, and realizing that we will die, at a date sometime in the future, I look back and see what Holly, in her passing, has reminded me of....that we have only today. Did I spend it wisely? Did I create value for others today? Did I find joy, taste joy, hear joy?

In truth, skydiving has taught me the value of life - each life, easily lost, holds immeasurable value. Each life has worth, love, truth, beauty. Each moment I can choose to be most fully alive, most complete, most honest, most now in the present with nothing past or future. And nowhere else that I've found has ever brought me closer to myself and others as the sky has. And with the knowledge that there death lurks, close, my life has a flavor to it which is indescribable and leaves me inarticulate. And if death touches me today, if it creeps up on me, did I do my best, live my hardest, love as much as I could?

When someone asks me if I am a deathseeker, I answer with "no, I am a life seeker...I choose to participate in my life, and not allow it to happen around me." And that choice also brings an understanding of death in a manner which few understand and can accept. We shall all die; while I am alive, I want to be truly alive.

Ciels-
Michele

~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek
While our hearts lie bleeding?~

[Tasadin 0]

I've always looked upon life in with the premise that it doesnt matter what you are doing or where if it si your time to go then its your time and there isnt a great deal anyone can do about it. Some of those fortunate amongst us will be blessed and be allowed to go doing what they love whether it be on the freefall or during the landing. Those of us who arent so lucky may die in our beds of old age or be knocked down bya bus crossing the street. Either way I would much prefer to be one of the blessed and know that I had lived it to the full and with no regrets.

"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough."

[misterhand 0]

i feel like im in a war and just had someone right around the corner get nailed within earshot. i havent seen or had anyone i know go in yet. i'm not looking forward to it. the 20$ or so to get to altitude isnt the real price for this. that just pays for gas and otter parts. the real price is....holly.
you know ive seen so many subcultures, based on costume or attitude or occupation or activity....
this is the only one ive seen that has people burning so brightly. i think being this close to the abyss makes people appreciate what really matters....friends around a fire, blue sky, white clouds, that breeze that smells like a storm, walking away from a close call having navigated out of danger by the seat of your pants without a scratch laughing and talking to friends "daaamn did you see that? close one....cmon lets get a beer"
if it isnt being challenged and risked life has no vividity. when im not jumping life off the dz looks gray by comparison. the japanese have a word: "zanshin" which doesnt exactly translate but i guess it comes across as a particularly lively expression of emotional intensity and focussed will. skydiving has more zanshin than anything else ive ever seen.
you only get to live once, right? and you're the only one who gets to read your whole story, right? i refuse to settle for coffee table reading when i can have a glorious story full of life and light and friends and danger and learning and activity.
i think skydiving itself is a big defiant "NO!" shouted in the face of human mortality. a blood clot could drop me like a bad habit tomorrow. a random psycho could bag me with a .357 tomorrow on the interstate cause his coffee got cold on him.
a gust of wind could collapse my canopy at 60 feet and drop me like a rock. i could screw up tomorrow and get knocked out in freefall, never wake up, game over insert coin.
until then im immortal. i skydive. i can fly. how can anything daunt me now?
in 150 years there will be nothing left of any of us here now but dust knickknacks in attics old papers and memories. life itself is a temporary condition of otherwise inanimate matter. if i live long enough i'll get to see everyone i ever cared about disappear into eternity.
i refuse to die regretting the things i did not do because i was afraid to live that intensely. but if i died tomorrow, i'd die a happy man. because i skydive. and because even doing a solo, i do not skydive alone.
goodbye holly.

[newshooter12 0]

Wow. You guys are awesome. Truely. This thread is making me think about a gift a friend gave me once. I wonder if I can still find it.
A smooth rock with two sides rounded by sand and water about this size of a silver dollar, but a little more oval then that. He found it on a beach in California, brought it home and on one side painted "Here," and on the other side "Now" in caligraphy style. I used to carry it around in my pocket. I think I nearly rubbed the paint off with my fingers.
It was sort of a Mantra that I'd like to get my life back to...
Be...
Here and Now...
Be...
Here...
Now...

[misterhand 0]

here's a thought. skydivers are all really warriors fighting against the debilitating effects of settling for less. its a war against banality, stagnant lives and that dark cold brittleness of personality ive seen in so many people who spend their lives in hair curlers or wife-beaters angry in front of the tv sucking up megadoses of bud lite and jerry springer.
we are the first class of warrior without a human enemy. the best battles are bloodless and our weapons are silly looking aircraft with whimsical names and textile projectiles, neon colored nylon and string.
its an elite community. how many current active jumpers are there, worldwide? grand total alive today, in existence? 40,000? 50? much less perhaps? if you took every jumper in the known universe and gathered them all together in one place at one time it would be one huge party but you could fit the entire species (including all variant subspecies, birdmen BASE freaks even the skyray guys if you can call that skydiving) in one stadium at one time. this is not as elite as, say, being an astronaut, but its damn close. each and every one there brought there because they had the balls to say "yeah but i think i can fly" and back it up. i find it changes your life being one of those people other people only read about or see on tv. we have a new plant manager where i work. he doesnt really do anything with my subdepartment so aside from meeting him i'd barely spoken to him since he took over the plant. running into him recently he offered the generic greeting "had a good weekend?" i was thinking of the 3 recent jumps, semisuccessful freefly attempts, downwind adventure on a downsized canopy i landed perfectly, so much wild detail in so short a time. everyone else at work has long known i jump...i absently answered "hell yeah 3 more jumps lately". he said "jumps"?
oh, shit. here we go again. i forgot he doesnt know. now im going to have to go through the usual "first time talking to a skydiver syndrome" whuffos get when you let out what you do in your spare time. im beginning to find it better to just hide it. saves hours of questions and answers. so i said "out of an airplane." in a tone indicating end of conversation and started walking away. it evaded the usual questions and kept his response brief. he looked startled, did a double take and his eyes bugged out at me and he said "WHAT!?!"
call me juvenile call me a newbie call me what you will i still enjoy that shit. it may by now be normal for me to jump and im just another 100-jump wonder with old gear and no skills but to everyone else i know off-dz it makes me look like a rock star astronaut. i don't really care what i look like though anymore. i care about getting more airtime and skills so i don't look quite so silly up there trying to keep up with the veterans. i'd rather be close to the bottom of the skydiving totem pole than at the top of any other. that said, i think this afternoon i'll jump if possible, and make my day extraordinary. again.

upgrading my reality one jump at a time.

[Tonto 1]

I love skydiving. I've been married, and I've been divorced. I have kids who were babies, and are not babies anymore. One day, they will be gone, chasing down their own dreams, and I will still love skydiving. I've lost friends. We all have. My love is comparable to a relationship. Sometimes, skydiving will do something to hurt me after I trusted. I'm not talking about physical hurt here. I get angry with dead people for having done the wrong thing. I get angry with skydiving. Then skydiving shows me a sunset through the rain, and I'm in love again. It keeps growing. It's forever, and will last far far longer than I will.

t

It's the year of the Pig.