Monday Funny

[bmcd308 0]

Not much good in the e-mail inbox today, but I'll do my best:

A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Oklahoma. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."

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www.jumpelvis.com

[Ron 7]

A duck walks into a bar....

The bar tender says..."Hey buddy your pants are down"

"No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms." -- Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Jefferson Papers, 334

[Casie 0]

OMG! That's hilarious!

The nun

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun you weigh 128lbs and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She went back to the
machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life."

She sat back down. From nowhere a Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.

Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again."

Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind."

Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; "I've never broke wind in public a day in my life!"

Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.

Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled and farted around
and missed your flight to Chicago!!"

~Porn Kitty
WARNING: Goldschlager causes extreme emotional outbursts!

[Casie 0]

This can be comical as well................

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

* * * * * *

Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

* * * * * *

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

* * * * * *

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When
it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

* * * * * *

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could
really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds
came into existence.

* * * * * *

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor."

* * * * * *

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when
you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

* * * * * *

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while... Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

* * * * * *

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It
was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

* * * * * *

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning
and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

* * * * * *

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

* * * * * *

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

* * * * * *

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these
coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it
through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the
bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

* * * * * *

And that's the truth...

Now , whoever said that History was boring ! ! ! ! !

~Porn Kitty
WARNING: Goldschlager causes extreme emotional outbursts!

[turtlespeed 212]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man." The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[Casie 0]

LMAO! That's bad!

~Porn Kitty
WARNING: Goldschlager causes extreme emotional outbursts!

[Skymonkey13 0]

Someone's lost a day. This is Tuesday.

[turtlespeed 212]

that's why it's so funny....

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[bvsdjumper 0]

A horse walks into a bar....

The bar tender says..."Hey buddy. What's with the long face?"

Sky-div'ing (ski'div'ing) n. A modern sport that involves parties, bragging, sexual excesses, the imbibing of large quantities of beer, and, on rare occasions, parachuting from aircraft.

[alanab 0]

Quote

A horse walks into a bar....

The bar tender says..."Hey buddy. What's with the long face?"

omg

[Casie 0]

Quote

Someone's lost a day. This is Tuesday.

Well, it seems like a MONDAY!

~Porn Kitty
WARNING: Goldschlager causes extreme emotional outbursts!

[n2skdvn 0]

Celine dion walks into a bar....

The bar tender says..."Hey Celine. What's with the long face?"

if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
my site

[evilivan 0]

A man walks into a bar.... he came round again after a couple of minutes.

"If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation."
David Brent

[TheBachelor 5]

A priest, minister and a rabbi walk into a bar, and the bartender says "is this a joke?"

There are battered women? I've been eating 'em plain all of these years...

[DJL 232]

SNOPES:

http://www.snopes.com/language/phrases/1500.htm

"I encourage all awesome dangerous behavior." - Jeffro Fincher

[wlie 0]

If I recall correctly, pewter is an alloy made mostly of tin and silver. Somebody's been cutting corners I see

My other ride is the relative wind.

[SpeedRacer 1]

I thought pewter = silver + lead.

It's illegal to sell pewter as a drinking/eating vessel now. Now they have "pewter lite" which has zinc in it instead of lead.

Speed Racer
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[wlie 0]

Ehh zinc, tin what's the difference? Just a few electrons right? Who's counting?

My other ride is the relative wind.

[skydyvr 0]

Quote

A horse walks into a bar....

A talking dog walks into a bar and says "Hey, can I get a drink?"

The bartender says . . . "Sure, there's a tolet right around the corner!"

. . =(_8^(1)

[SpeedRacer 1]

a skeleton walks into a bar and says,

"I'll have a beer, and a mop!"

Speed Racer
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[happythoughts 0]

Q: How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?


A: At the circus, the clowns don't talk.

[Ron 7]

A grasshopper walks into a bar....

The bar tender says "Hey, I have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper looks puzzled and says "You got a drink named Bill?"

"No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms." -- Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Jefferson Papers, 334