Jokes to play on your AFF instructor

[MarkM 0]

I still like the nude jump idea, but I don't think that would work because my instructor will need to be able to keep ahold of me.
Other than that, there aren't any safety issues involved with it, right? I'd always figured nude jumps were pretty harmless.
Hmmm.. which AFP level does my instructor not hang onto me at....

• Quote

[freeflir29 0]

"and she bit his finger!"
"Watch out...Them G*d Damn monkies will bite ya!" -Dennis Hopper
"I only have 131 jumps, so I don't know shit..right?"-Clay

[SkydiveMonkey 0]

Here we go - 61 things to do on a jump plane ........
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
Beat out bongo rifts on your helmet.
Unzip your jumpsuit part way, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
One word: Flatulence!
Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the plane hits turbulence.
Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the plane.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can pull their silver handle for them.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
Look around and ask "is that your dytter?"
Say "Announcing the Xth Floor!" each 1000'.
Listen to the plane walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
Ask the jumper next to you, "If you burn in into a forest, does it make a sound?".
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
Make explosion noises.
Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
Sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" or "99 bottles of beer on the wall" in round.
After everyone has taken off their seatbelts, connect mismatching pairs in consideration of the next load.
Ask about the in-flight beverage choices, meal, and inflight movie. Insist that you were told a meal would be served when you purchased your ticket.
When jump run is announced, stand up and yell: "But I paid for a round trip ticket!"
Play "enie, menie, miny, moe" while pointing the shiny silver handles of nearby jumpers.
Hum Gregorian chants.
When someone is spotting, point toward the horizon and innocently ask "Is that Mexico?"
Moan, clutch your stomach, mutter "Oh damn, not motion sickness now." Then ask your neighbor if you can borrow his Factory Diver.
When boarding the plane ask if you can have emergency row seating.
After the first person exits, point out the door and exclaim "It's a bird, it's a plane, nah, just another f#$&in' toad."
Cough then mutter "Don't worry the doctor said it can only be spread through physical contact."
Pretend to pick lice out of your neighbors hair then eat them.
Theorize (incorrectly) on why airplanes and square parachutes actually fly.
Bow down and grovel before the local skygod.
Play rock, paper, scissors - if no one will join you, play against yourself using both hands.
Hand out labels that say "Plan B - Part 1" and "Plan B - Part 2" for everyone's cutaway and reserve handles.
Have the other jumpers get the attention of the jumper furthest from you then wave and smile broadly.
Turn to a student and say "Don't worry, the engine sounds _much_ better than it did yesterday."
Sing "Edelweiss".
Say to the jumper across from you, "All is in readiness, Comrade. This time we cannot fail!"
Pick your nose and then hold your finger up to another jumper and ask, "Booger?".
Tell the jumper next to you that skydiving is nothing compared the time when you were pinned down under a deadly hail of Jap fire.
Speak into your altimeter then hold it to your ear and nod your head.
Ask the other passengers in a thick German accent for their tickets.
Shift around as you sit and announce that thongs are overrated.
Talk about the parachute equipment you saw on the Home Shopping Channel.
Sing "Rawhide" as the plane accelerates to takeoff.
Start a petition demanding more altitude.
Repetitively ask, "Are we there yet?"
Tap furtively on the bulkhead and mutter, "Now where's that secret panel?"
Try to hypnotize the jumper across from you.
After you put your goggles on, act surprised, and say hello to the person across from you.
Give the jumper next to you a "Wet-Willy".
When the pilot announces jumprun advise the other jumpers to return their seats and tray tables to the full upright and locked position.
Bring your own joystick and pretend you're flying the plane.
Move your helmet past your neighbor's head and announce, "The Deathstar has cleared the planet".
According to the stories of one of the jet loads at Quincy a couple of years ago...
Solve quadratic equations aloud.
You shouldn't put a knife in the toaster - but you're an adult now !!!

[ShortBus 0]

oh god side hurting pain intense must breathe....oh man that was quality stuff

[SkydiveMonkey 0]

I've got more if you want them - let me know and I'll email them to ya !!
You shouldn't put a knife in the toaster - but you're an adult now !!!

[ShortBus 0]

yes send me the rest of them i gotta try some of those out
[email protected]

[SkydiveMonkey 0]

They've been sent - anyone else?
You shouldn't put a knife in the toaster - but you're an adult now !!!

[Remster 24]

me me me!
[email protected]
Remster
Muff 914

[lummy 4]

ME too ME TOO!!!!!
[email protected]
Still a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest....

[hooked 0]

I want them too!
[email protected]

[StevieBoy 0]

Got any of them in French, if not English will do.
Great stuff
[email protected]
"Skydiving's a source, it'll change your life, swear to God"

[SkydiveMonkey 0]

Here's the rest to save me mailing everyone ....
Point to your cut away handle and say i pull this one right?
Ask another jumper to turn on your CYPRES ( works better about 6K )
take a extra an pilot chute up with you and right beforeyou jump ask the jumpmaster if you were suposed to hook it up then jump before he answers
To the first time jumpers....on the way to altitude....O.K...that will be an extra 50 bucks for the chute to open....AND WATCH THEM PAY !!!
Stare at different parts of a student's rig while frowning and shaking your head.
play I spy with my little eye somthing that begins with "P"??
just before a student exits look at his rig and say "jesus!, never seen it done like that before.....but it'll probably work.
as first jump students boarding, have someone come run up to their instructor and tell him/her: "you weren't supposed to give the students demo chutes!".
Pretend your blind and ask other jumpers if they remembered to bring your guide dog onboard -
Make a "How's to" book from your computer and read it on the way up to altitude. Works best with pilot, jumpmaster, and esp. a tandem master!.
Ask another Tandem Master that the red pills you gave him really helped out the headache. Have the other Tandemaster in on it say "You took the blue ones? I said take the red ones. The blue ones are Viagra. Watch the tandems face! Works well with any gender! -
If you are doing a sitfly, have your partner sit behind you in the plane.While he/she is unaware, tie a condom to their shoe lace. (This works better if they have shorts on.)
Saw this on an advertising video for a jump school. The tandem jumpmaster repeatedly attempts to clip the other jumper to his himself but the clips just don't connect. Repeat as many times as desired, stopping to ocassionally to have a fiddle with the clip until the other tandem jumpers poop!
sit next to a student and pretend like this is your first jump and then convince them on the way to altitude how crazy this skydiving stuff is and ask if they will stay in the plane and ride back down with you, then bail
Point out the window to anywhere accept the DZ, and innocently tell student jumpers that "if you land there, they'll shoot you".
Let out a real stinker about two minutes before jump run, and keep a perfectly straight (poker) face, so you're not suspected of being the one that "did it"
Pick someone in the plane at random and get their attention. Point at them. Hold one hand out flat, palm up. Smack your other hand into it as if they are going splat. Watch their expression
When your all cramed into the plane with arms and legs every where,pick out a female sitting in front of you and accidently brush her breasts with your foot. Then repeat it a few times until she says something about it. Reply "Sorry it was an accident". Then do it again. He He He He :-}
First time jumpers - sit opposite the skygod (the loud mouthed bragging one) and put your hand on theres and say compassionately "don't worry, I'm scared too!"
Just before exit, on a cold winter's day, unzip the jumpsuit of the guy standing next to you.
Just before exit, slap your warning label off your new helmet onto the factory diver of the guy standing next to you.
Steal the key from the pilot , than give it to the JM then jump........... dont't let no one see U giving the key to the JM...... (good pilot needed for this one )
AS LONG AS THEY HAVE PAID ! PUSH THE F***ER OUT!!!
Ask the tandemmaster innocently how it feels doing his first tandemjump and watch the guests beginning to sweat.
To the first time students, with sincere horror in your eyes, So, the doomed ones, are we gonna land today?
When a student askes who their jumpmaster is, tell them that they're coming from the bar.
Yell "DOOR!" at 500 feet.
Looking worriedly at the student's chute and say "I wouldn't jump this chute if I was you!!!
Fart and ask the firts jumpers why are they worried!
After a jumper leaves the plane, look out the door and shout, "OH MY GOD, PULL, PULL!!!" Sigh then look at a first time jumper and say, "Next."
When someone asks you if your spotting, look at your crotch and say NO are you? -
Rig a students static line so that it pulls out his reserve chute not his main.
On a relative work jumps take action figures with you, super glue their hands and throw them out the door! -
Do this if students are on board. First let go a flatulence. Then, complain about the smell and open the door to vent the plane and, finaly, just watch the students facial expression!!!
Sit shivering and ask the other jumpers if anybody has any clean needles -
On a 60 way, being in the base, say "I'm scared I dont want to jump", and act serious.
In a small jumpplane (182,206) have a pilot sit on the floor near the pilot flying. When the door opens, have the pilot flying jump out the door and watch the students expression.
Put battery acid in the tiolet and give someone coffee! -
Explain : “ I haven’t lost a student yet … and I’m not buying beers for anyone”
Have a wank!
Start praying
Take an old PC with you, and sit in the copilot's seat of a big jump plane (Otter, CASA, etc.). When the door opens, open the cockpit window, let the PC go, and watch the divers race it out the door thinking it's theirs. -
Fill a brown paper bag with coleslaw. "Puke" in the bag. Get a team mate to eat it !!
Pull the static-line, from the skydiver in front of you!! -
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly
Beat out bongo rifts on your helmet.
Unzip your jumpsuit part way, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the plane hits turbulence.
Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the plane.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can pull their silver handle for them.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
Look around and ask "is that your dytter?"
Listen to the plane walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
Ask the jumper next to you, "If you bounce in a forest, does it make a sound?".
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
Make explosion noises.
Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
Sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" or "99 bottles of beer on the wall" in round.
After everyone has taken off their seat belts, connect mismatching pairs in consideration of the next load.
Ask about the in-flight beverage choices, meal, and in flight movie. Insist that you were told a meal would be served when you purchased your ticket.
When jump run is announced, stand up and yell: "But I paid for a round trip ticket!"
Play "enie, menie, miny, moe" while pointing the shiny silver handles of nearby jumpers.
When someone is spotting, point toward the horizon and innocently ask "Is that Mexico?"
Moan, clutch your stomach, mutter "Oh damn, not motion sickness now." Then ask your neighbor if you can borrow his Factory Diver.
When boarding the plane ask if you can have emergency row seating.
After the first person exits, point out the door and exclaim "It's a bird, it's a plane, nah, just another f#$&in' toad."
Cough then mutter "Don't worry the doctor said it can only be spread through physical contact."
Pretend to pick lice out of your neighbors hair then eat them.
Theorize (incorrectly) on why airplanes and square parachutes actually fly.
Play rock, paper, scissors - if no one will join you, play against yourself using both hands.
Hand out labels that say "Plan B - Part 1" and "Plan B - Part 2" for everyone's cutaway and reserve handles.
Have the other jumpers get the attention of the jumper furthest from you then wave and smile broadly.
Turn to a student and say "Don't worry, the engine sounds _much_ better than it did yesterday."
Tell the jumper next to you that skydiving is nothing compared the time when you were pinned down under a deadly hail of Jap fire.
Speak into your altimeter then hold it to your ear and nod your head.
Ask the other passengers in a thick German accent for their tickets.
Shift around as you sit and announce that thongs are overrated.
Talk about the parachute equipment you saw on the Home Shopping Channel.
Sing "Rawhide" as the plane accelerates to takeoff.
Start a petition demanding more altitude.
Repetitively ask, "Are we there yet?"
Tap furtively on the bulkhead and mutter, "Now where's that secret panel?"
Try to hypnotize the jumper across from you.
After you put your goggles on, act surprised, and say hello to the person across from you.
Give the jumper next to you a "Wet-Willy".
When the pilot announces jump-run advise the other jumpers to return their seats and tray tables to the full upright and locked position.
Bring your own joystick and pretend you're flying the plane.
Move your helmet past your neighbor's head and announce, "The Deathstar has cleared the planet".
Take a paintball and toss it around, or better yet, place in in your neighbor's hat/helmet when he's not looking right at jump run.
After the last jumpers have exited on a first pass, point out the fact that they left the door open, and yell after them, "Did you grow up on a barn?!" -
Sing 'Banana, doo doo doo doo doo' song from Sesame street - gets worried looks from the Jumpmaster and first timers. - Belle
Start realising how amazing it is that a totally heavy burden can be held up in the air by two puny pieces of metal. then, with wide eyes, start realising how much more amazing the idea that we can float in air with pieces of 'cloth'.
Student, ask your jumpmaster if he wants your gum.
When in a plane with first time jumpers , start a conversation with your jumping partner/s about the fact that yet another insurance company refused to pay out the insurance claim.
Take a spare reserve handle up in the plane with you and as the jumper before you is about to exit, whip it out and ask innocently 'Is this yours ?'
Lick the goggles of the person sitting next to you.
Ask the first jumpers for other names of vomit, puke, cotch, etc.
Pull out a cigarette and ask for a light.
You shouldn't put a knife in the toaster - but you're an adult now !!!

[Jumperpaula 0]

Quote

When your all cramed into the plane with arms and legs every where,pick out a female sitting in front of you and accidently brush her breasts with your foot. Then repeat it a few times until she says something about it. Reply "Sorry it was an accident". Then do it again. He He He He :-}

Hey, that shit's not funny! Also, why does EVERYONE have to check my chest strap? I feel soooo safe.
Fly Your Slot !

[StevieBoy 0]

>Stare at different parts of a student's rig while frowning and shaking your head.
ROFLMAO
MAN, while I was on AFF I had TOTAL GEAR FEAR, if someone had done that to me I'd be a snowboarder now.
you just gotta laugh now though
"Skydiving's a source, it'll change your life, swear to God"

[SkydiveMonkey 0]

I gotta try the reserve handle one. And the time out one. And the ...............
You shouldn't put a knife in the toaster - but you're an adult now !!!

[Jumperpaula 0]

Quote

Hand out labels that say "Plan B - Part 1" and "Plan B - Part 2" for everyone's cutaway and reserve handles.

This would be easy and harmless, make yourself two notes, stick them in your jumpsuit and put them on the handles in the plane. That should get your jumpmaster going....
Fly Your Slot !

[SkydiveMonkey 0]

I've ordered "oh shit" and "try again" for my cutaway / reserve pad. It's gotta be done !!!
You shouldn't put a knife in the toaster - but you're an adult now !!!

[freeflir29 0]

"Also, why does EVERYONE have to check my chest strap? I feel soooo safe."
We're just "concerned" about the safety of our fellow jumpers Paula..really.....Yes, it is necessary to run your hand (palm towards you) back and forth several times to make sure the nipples..Uhh...I mean excess is stowed properly...
"I only have 131 jumps, so I don't know shit..right?"-Clay

[SkydiveMonkey 0]

Quote

make sure the nipples..Uhh...I mean excess is stowed properly

That's why I love to check womens "chest straps" !!
You shouldn't put a knife in the toaster - but you're an adult now !!!

[Jumperpaula 0]

Quote

When someone asks you if your spotting, look at your crotch and say NO are you? -

ROTF
Fly Your Slot !

[lazerq3 0]

The only joke/comment I had made to me was when I was going to jump my first unsuperveised pack job. I asked the girl who should me how to pack if she would feel safe jumping the pack job! She kinda shook her head and said " just know where your handles are"!!
Yeah I wasnt nervous on that jump or anything
jason

[Jumperpaula 0]

Quote

Shift around as you sit and announce that thongs are overrated.

They are.
Fly Your Slot !

[freeflir29 0]

"They are."
But remember how much men appreciate it and it'll all be worth it....."I only have 131 jumps, so I don't know shit..right?"-Clay

[Jumperpaula 0]

Quote

Take a paintball and toss it around, or better yet, place in in your neighbor's hat/helmet when he's not looking right at jump run.

My son plays paintball...and that's just downright MEAN. Those things are nasty.
Now, one time, at band camp, my friend wanted my butt print on his canopy, so we got this non toxic paint that wouldn't come off of nylon and....
Fly Your Slot !

[cvfd1399 0]

bump for any new ones