I have a 16 year old daughter...

[tumbler 0]

Yea it has been a little weird in the house. The changes, I thought, were part of growing up. Lord knows I was no angel but I always held my own enough to keep my folks out of my business. I have really run the full course... yelling, punishment to trying to be at her level and try to understand. It seems the more I try either the more apart we go.

What I will not allow is for things that may be bad to happen without a serious and all out fight on my part. If me "spying" is what gets me the information I need to make informed decisions then so be it.

I hate the idea of having to do it though..

[j0nes 0]

How about just being honest with your daughter and telling her about your concerns?

[Mostly_Harmless 0]

If you don't mind me asking, what do you think you daughter is doing that is so bad? Just want to try to get the scope of things.

_________________________________________
www.myspace.com/termvelocity

[Faber 0]

speak to her instead of spying her. no one like other to look in our private stuff.

I do understand you,im a father of 2 girls...

Stay safe
Stefan Faber

[Merrick 0]

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Here is my advice as a parent:

Sit your daughter down and tell her that she as your daughter living in your house has no rights. You are the parent and you will go through her room, e-mail, car, or what ever you feel like. She will follow the rules of the house, and if she doesn't like them, she can move out. You after all, pay the house payment, electrical bill, gas bill, and Internet access bill. So, you have every right to check her e-mail.

I know it sounds very harsh but trust me, you have to take control. It wasn't always roses for me raising two boys alone. But, I now know every thing I did was worth it. My boys have both turned into great adults. My oldest son came to me a few months ago and thanked me for never giving up on him and being a "hard ass."

You are the parent, not a friend. Stand your ground with her.

She nailed it!! I'd like to see how people who are crying, "don't invade her privacy, you'll ruin her trust "actually have kids. My guess is the majority are fresh out of their parents houses' themselves.

As a parent that has faced this very situation let me say that matewatcher is a great keylogger (http://www.matewatcher.com/pages/1/index.htm).
We suspected my daughter of mischief online, so we downloaded this little tool, busted her, and now she knows that we can see everything she does on the computer. Even before we downloaded the matewatcher program we made her give us all of her passwords... as long as their in my house, they have no privacy. Granted, my daughter is about 2 1/2 years younger than yours, but this didn't effect our relationship at all, she's a good kid, and she knows that what she was doing was wrong.

Your job is to be her parent, not her friend. I know sometimes it's hard to remember that, because it's a lot more fun to be their friends, but that won't teach them anything, or help keep them out of situations they shouldn't be in.

Blues,
Merrick

[davelepka 4]

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little sacrifices on your part will earn you the greater trust which is what I think you are after.

My guess is that A) you don't have a daughter, and that B) you were never a 16 year old boy.

What this guy wants is too keep his daughter off of the pole (stripper pole) and keep her from becoming a crack whore.

There are a ton of strippers and crack whores out there, so it does happen.

He needs to drop the hammer now, and hug and trust her later when (in your words)...

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I'm a few years older.. I have the hindsight.

[tbrown 26]

First, I was a teenage stoner who could've used a lot more direction from my parents. Second, my own 16 year old daughter is such a happier kid than I ever was, does better in school, and has really nice friends. She's in band. For her, music really works. It focuses her and helps her organize her thinking and the rest of her life (she's also got a knack for math).

But any kind of activity that requires real commitment and effort and can yield real results is something kids need. There's a certain extent to which her mom and I are willing to let her and her friends have their own little world, but we keep in close touch with it.

There are definitely lots of "friends" your kid doesn't need, god knows I had enogh friends like that, like the ones who sold LSD in study hall, etc, etc. It's hard to draw the line and even harder to make it stick, but if you don't do it, nobody will.

And finally, make sure she understands birth control and safer sex and how to get what she needs to do it right. That's not going to make you comfortable, but neither will STD's or pregnancy. You can definitely tell her you don't approve of sex at her age and that it's not allowed, but you need to accept that she may just be doing it anyway, maybe even already is (sorry...).

Best of luck, it really can be tough sometimes.

Your humble servant.....Professor Gravity !

[tigra 0]

She WAS a 16 year old girl, however and what she's saying is that when she was a rebellious teenager, her parent's lack of trust in her caused her to not trust or confide in them. Trust works both ways. Ideally, as a parent, you want you children to feel like they can come to you when they are in trouble.

I think step one is talking, step two could very well involve online "spying", searching her room, and all of that because you do need to do all you can to protect her. But the truth is, if she's determined to hide something from her parents, she will.

There is no easy answer, and no, I'm not a parent.

[DJL 232]

I think that anyone advocating snooping through their child's belongings and communications without just cause is making up for being a crappy parent. Unless you find drugs or something related to illegal or highly immorall activity then all you're doing is admitting that you were incapabale of imbuing the child with the ability to make rational decisions. If this IS the case then confront the child directly and tell the child that it may be to the detriment of your relationship but you no longer feel that you can trust them and are taking measures to monitor their activity for their own good. At least they can then tell their friends, "I can't get high, my mother is going to check for the signs when I get home."

I'm not saying that there isn't a context for this kind of supervision so nobody get their tits in a tangle. If you want a child to be an adult then respect their life. If they need an intervention then give it.

"I encourage all awesome dangerous behavior." - Jeffro Fincher

[tigra 0]

That pretty much sums it up!

[mcrocker 0]

Assuming you have some sort of broadband connection you could pick up a nice firewall (www.sonicwall.com). A firewall can enforce a bunch of stuff, like limited online times. shut down Instant Messaging, provide content filtering for web/e-mail. I would avoid the snooping route but you can safely protect what she does online with technology. She can probably IM through her cell phone also so you may want to restrict that. My 17 y.o. cousin can type pretty fast with her thumbs on her cell phone.

A stand alone firewall is a good choice because you can protect it and make sure she doesn't bypass it like a software only firewall running on her machine.

[Mostly_Harmless 0]

I will agree with that.

_________________________________________
www.myspace.com/termvelocity

[tumbler 0]

Well I certainly take the point that this is a failure of me as a parent that I feel the need to go to this level. As you hope any parent would do... you do your best. I am a nearly 40 year old male... I know only from this perspective.

There has been a change. The change started about when school started this year. It is dramatic enough to make me worried. Trust me, I have tried to talk to her as many here have suggested. It requires two way communication but she has closed the avenues.

What is a dad to do? Be it kick her in the ass or hug her tight, I will do all i can to keep her safe.

[davelepka 4]

You end doing all sorts of things to your kids that they don't like, but it's for their own good.

I think that as adults, we can all look back to a situation where you were sure that your parents were being crazy, or unfair, but now you can see that is was for your own good.

As kids get older it gets harder to be the all encompasing dictator. They are growing up, and can do more for themselves, but the stakes are going up at the same time as well.

You have to tell your 10 year old not to eat a whole box of Twinkies, or stay up late on a school night. Neither one is a good idea, but the consequenses are minor, and short lived.

Your 16 year old is now being exposed to drugs, alchohol, cigarettes, sex, and crime. The consequenses of making a bad choice here is far more dire than the box of Twinkies from six years ago.

I'm not saying that every 16 year old needs to be monitored by big brother. When they start showing the signs however, you need to get serious like a heart attack.

We all know 16 year olds are dumb. Some of them stay out of trouble, and learn as they grow. Some get into trouble, and learn as they and grow, and regret their youth. Others never learn.

The best you can do is to keep them on track as long as you can. They can always run away, or move out, but while they are around, you need to do everything (and anything) in your power to help them out.

If your child is one that will never learn, then I'm sorry. But for the others, they will learn sooner or later, and see how you were trying to help them. You'll give up the trust and happy times for a few years, and gain it for the rest of your life.

[ntrprnr 0]

Talk to her. Or get someone (a priest, clergy, older family friend, counselor) to talk to her with you. DO NOT go through her email - you won't win. She'll lose all respect for you, lose all trust for you, and rebel even more.

Trust me on this. Do not do it. She needs to know she can trust you - it's the only way you'll win her confidence and get her to listen to you.

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That I am starting to suspect may be up to no good.. or getting herself mixed up with folks that maybe don't have her best interests in mind. I have tried to talk to her about it but get shut down quickly.

I never thought I would be this kind of dad, but I am not sure what else to do...

Does anyone know of a program that will allow me to track her emails?

thanks,

_______________
"Why'd you track away at 7,000 feet?"
"Even in freefall, I have commitment issues."

[RhondaLea 3]

Y'know, if this change was sudden, you need to have her evaluated medically and possibly psychologically. I'd also make an appointment with her guidance counselor and some of her teachers, but let them do the talking. If you give them more information than they need, it will affect her (and possibly you) adversely.

Some of this kind of behavior is normal in the teen years. For most girl children, it starts earlier, so count your blessings.

You have to walk a pretty fine line, because in two years, she's going to be out from under your thumb anyway.

Take a look around home and ask yourself some hard questions about your family life. That may be part of it, or not, but only you can tell. A little bit of family counseling might not hurt.

Finally, whatever you do, don't snoop. Even Dear Abby could've told you that.

rl

If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb

[stoneycase 0]

rather than get into the discussion of what you should/shouldn't do i'll just try and answer your question.

yes, there are plenty of programs that will allow you to track her emails. couple of ways to go about this. first off, do you know what email she is using?

-if it's webmail (ie hotmail, yahoo, or something similar, a web based email service) then i would reccomend a keylogger. a simple keylogger will capture the username and password she uses to retrieve her webmail (or anything else, instant message, etc) and you can then use that information to check the email at your leisure while she is away. google "free keylogger" and experiment with the options.

-if she's accessing email using something like Outlook or Outlook express the job gets even easier. seeing as how she's 16 i'm betting it's webmail though.

technically it's not very difficult, and all that's really required is physical access to her computer for a short period of time. there's any number of different ways to accomplish what you want, you just need to determine which way works best for you.

here's something to get you started: http://www.spectorsoft.com/

good luck, and personally, i think you should track her emails. she's your daughter, and you are her parent, not her best girlfriend. besides, she'll learn a good life lesson - your privacy is only as secure as you make it. she'll be years ahead of her peers who think they can send emails/msgs/txt without anyone ever knowing...

Does whisky count as beer? - Homer
There's no justice like angry mob justice. - Skinner
Be careful. There's a limited future in low pulls - JohnMitchell

[airtwardo 6]

Quote

Sit your daughter down and tell her that she as your daughter living in your house has no rights. You are the parent and you will go through her room, e-mail, car, or what ever you feel like. She will follow the rules of the house, and if she doesn't like them, she can move out. You after all, pay the house payment, electrical bill, gas bill, and Internet access bill. So, you have every right to check her e-mail.

***

DAMN SKIPPY!

I can't help but roll my eyes at the 'she won't respect you' comments...

I have a 15 year old daughter...and if she wants to eat, she'd better respect me and my rules!

Hey, my job so to speak, is to get the kids raised healthy and educated, with a happy, self sufficient life as the end goal.

We can be 'friends' after they're grown and on their own. Until then, I want to know what you're doing, where, with who and for how long!

Can't keep me informed? Can't stay in ready contact with me??
Then stay home...There's no argument, 'my rules-you lose'.

Raising kids today is much more of a challenge than it was for our parents...They are constantly bombarded with unhealthy messages and temptations, which as an adult, I know is harmful...

It's especially tough for us raising 3 adopted children from another culture. They tend to come with a whole set of problems most biological parents never even considered.

Our daughter has had some problems in the past, we tried it the 'touchie feelie' way, and things became even worse, dangerously so.

I finally said, fuck it...the way I was raised worked out pretty good, so it's back to basics.

"How far" will I go to see that these children are kept safe and secure...even from themselves and their questionable judgement?

As far as it takes!

I've tapped phones, snooped rooms, shown up where I wasn't expected, read email and tracked IM's...

Oh my God you may say, those children have no privacy...
Fucking right they don't, we're a FAMILY...we have no secrets...they can read MY mail anytime they want, and listen in on my phone calls 'till bored stiff.

How about this dose of reality...
As per a councilor's suggestion, I hit my daughter with a random drug test....she BUSTED it!

Dirty with 3 different substances in her system...some of which could react with her prescription meds and KILL her!!

Things are getting back on track these days, the kids KNOW we pull no punches when it comes to the rules...and that there are rewards for sticking to them.

I know nobody is 'perfect' and we all make mistakes...

I for one won't make the error of 'believing' things are okay...I want PROOF!

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[AlexCrowley 0]

Good to know. I have a couple of years before this becomes an issue, but I'm planning now.

TV's got them images, TV's got them all, nothing's shocking.

[davelepka 4]

Amen, my brother.

Praise be the wiseman with a SPINE.

Spread you word across the land.

It's about time somebody did.

[LisaM 0]

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Here is my advice as a parent:

Sit your daughter down and tell her that she as your daughter living in your house has no rights. You are the parent and you will go through her room, e-mail, car, or what ever you feel like. She will follow the rules of the house, and if she doesn't like them, she can move out. You after all, pay the house payment, electrical bill, gas bill, and Internet access bill. So, you have every right to check her e-mail.

Set up a password on her computer, that only you know. Then when she wants to log on, she has a limited amount of time on the computer with you sitting near by to watch.

I know it sounds very harsh but trust me, you have to take control. It wasn't always roses for me raising two boys alone. But, I now know every thing I did was worth it. My boys have both turned into great adults. My oldest son came to me a few months ago and thanked me for never giving up on him and being a "hard ass."

You are the parent, not a friend. Stand your ground with her.

Very good advice. My son is quite young yet, but his computer is in a central location in the house. And my son has been told from very early on that his stuff is mine to go through whenever I want. It's just said matter-of-factly so he's never questioned it. I tell him it's my job as a parent to make sure he is safe and on the right track and sometimes and I have to do that how I see fit.

~ Lisa
~ Do you Rigminder?

[DAVE619 0]

THIS SOUNDS ALOT LIKE ME WHEN I STARTED TO GET INTO DRUGS AND STUFF IN HIGH SCHOOL. WHEN I FINALLY DID GET CAUGHT BY MY FOLKS THEY WENT NUTS! I GOT SENT TO REHAB AND THEY TOOK EVERYTHING OUT OF MY ROOM AND EVEN TOOK THE DOOR OFF THE HINGES. I GOT DRUG TESTED TWICE A WEEK FOR A YEAR. I HAD TO EARN EVERYTHING BACK BY DOING GOOD. SLOWELY BUT SURELY I EARNED BACK ENOUGH TRUST AND PRIVACY TO START USING DRUGS AGAIN.

IVE BEEN TO REHAB TWICE. FLUNKED OUT OF SCHOOL. BEEN IN TROUBLE WITH POLICE.

IM IN THE MILITARY NOW AND I CLEANED UP MY ACT. THE ONLY ADVICE TO YOU I CAN GIVE IS TOUGH LOVE. SHE HAS TO KNOW THAT WHAT SHE IS DOING WILL NOT BE TOLORATED IN YOUR HOUSE! MY FOLKS MADE ME SIGN A CONTRACT THAT SHOWED WHAT THEY EXPECTED OF ME AND THE CONSEQUENCES THAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I DIDNT.

I DONT KNOW IF SHE IS DOING DRUGS OR NOT, BUT IF I WERE YOU I WOULD BE SUSPICIOUS.

GOD BLESS

DAVE

[TCMRigging 0]

Spying is the last resort you should try, but if everything else has failed at least you will know what is going on. Who knows there may not be anything to worry about and you can be at ease. And if there is something in her life thats bad or she needs help in you can be more in tune and may be armed with enough to get a conversation out of her. Never directly say that you were spying on her, use it as a way to know what to talk about and be prepared. Before doing it just think about something. One day when all of the teenage years have blown by you will most likely have a good open relationship with her, and you will have to tell her what you did. It may not fly too well even when you tell her years later.

Chris

[kirrz 0]

You've been given heaps of advice here.. all of it is really good but relevant in different situations..

You haven't once said what you suspect the problem is with your daughter or how bad you think what she's hiding is.. & I think the move you make really depends on that.

If you think she is living a secret double life as a crack whore, then fair enough. Crack down. But tell her the rules have changed and that you are now monitoring her because you are worried about the change in her. Don't just spy on her because this way, by being honest, you are getting all the information you want, but you are also respecting her as a person.

But if you simply suspect she's trying a few cigarettes or kissing a few boys then is that really something you want to completely blow the trust out of your relationship over?

It seems like you've already made the decision to track her.. so at least be upfront about it and tell her the new rules - she will respect you more in the long run.

[PhreeZone 15]

If your daughter knows much about computers you've already lost the battle. At 16 I walked laps around my parents, teachers and all my families friends on computers. I had encrypted my computer so tight that no one else could access it. I used to be on BBS and at the emergence of the web I was all over it. I helped bust at least one of my relatives trying to access porn when I was at the age I could'nt drive yet. If your daughter is smarter then you on a computer admit that you've lost that battle and pick a better spot for the second round. Besides, most key loggers are picked up with anti-spyware and anti-virus programs.

A computer in a shared living space does wonders to open up communication.

One of my old roommates used to have tons of porn on his computer. It was in his room and no one cared. When he decided to move the computer to the living room to free up space, he did'nt like the thought of people possibly watching him access material like that so it all disappeared. His surfing habits changed a lot once it was out in the open. If doing this to a 23 year old male changes the behaivor that much, think of what it can do to a 16 year old.

Lay down rules. Set boundries... but shes at the age that shes becoming an adult. At some point you are going to need to treat her as one. That applies to both respecting her, and punishing her. How would you feel if your spouse put software on your computer to spy on you since something weird seems to be going on but they have no proof? Thats the same reaction your daughter will have.

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And tomorrow is a mystery

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