pttsburg 0 #1 August 30, 2006 I need to get peoples input on this subject. My ex wife is allowing our daughter to go on 1 on 1 dates. She will be 14 in December and I feel this is to young. The ex allows her to go over to his house all the time. She keeps telling me times have changed and I agree.They have changed and not for the better. I know I am over protective like most dads would be, but 13 is way to young. This has put a big strain on my daughters and I relationship. Am I out to luunch on this??? Let me know what you think...thanks Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
yamtx73 0 #2 August 30, 2006 I'm with you on this one... lock her away until she's 30... The only naturals in this sport shit thru feathers... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lisamariewillbe 1 #3 August 30, 2006 Sure times have changed... its not odd to see 14 yr olds pregnant or on drugs etc. I agree with you but what I wonder is why you and your ex wife have varying points and one of you hasnt compromised to be in agreement? And why has it strained you and your daughters relationship? Shes being allowed to do something, its not as if she is willfully disobeying her parents and its definitly not something that should strain the relationship between you. That there is your issue not your daughters or the moms.... Get over that and dont let shit come between you and your kids.Sudsy Fist: i don't think i'd ever say this Sudsy Fist: but you're looking damn sudsydoable in this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 212 #4 August 30, 2006 QuoteSure times have changed... its not odd to see 14 yr olds pregnant or on drugs etc. I agree with you but what I wonder is why you and your ex wife have varying points and one of you hasnt compromised to be in agreement? And why has it strained you and your daughters relationship? Shes being allowed to do something, its not as if she is willfully disobeying her parents and its definitly not something that should strain the relationship between you. That there is your issue not your daughters or the moms.... Get over that and dont let shit come between you and your kids. Absolutely. Just because times have changed doesn't mean that the opportunity to make the wrong decision is less abundant. Stick to your guns. It is your child as well. It is in your values that she will shape her opinions and concience.I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pttsburg 0 #5 August 30, 2006 My ex does not know what compromise means. The strain between my daughter and I is because on the weekends I have her. I will not let her go out with him. I have tried to explain to her why I feel this way and it does not help. All I hear is "mom lets me" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
NWFlyer 2 #6 August 30, 2006 QuoteMy ex does not know what compromise means. The strain between my daughter and I is because on the weekends I have her. I will not let her go out with him. I have tried to explain to her why I feel this way and it does not help. All I hear is "mom lets me" What about a compromise with your daughter? Boyfriend can come over to your house and spend time with daughter but you have to be there to supervise? Or you'll take them out somewhere like the mall where they're probably less likely to find an opportunity to do anything you're uncomfortable with? Of course, I'm not a parent, so take all of this with a grain of salt. "There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lisamariewillbe 1 #7 August 30, 2006 Quote My ex does not know what compromise means. The strain between my daughter and I is because on the weekends I have her. I will not let her go out with him. I have tried to explain to her why I feel this way and it does not help. All I hear is "mom lets me" AHHH then you are perfectly in the right..... so how often do you have to say "Well Im not mom" If thats the strain well she will get over that.... girls are emotional hormonal creatures at that age usually and just stick to your guns when she is in your care if the mother wishes to not compromise. I personally wouldnt compromise on this ... my kids will not date at that age 1 on 1. Then again I have no one to compromise withSudsy Fist: i don't think i'd ever say this Sudsy Fist: but you're looking damn sudsydoable in this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ACMESkydiver 0 #8 August 30, 2006 QuoteQuoteSure times have changed... its not odd to see 14 yr olds pregnant or on drugs etc. I agree with you but what I wonder is why you and your ex wife have varying points and one of you hasnt compromised to be in agreement? And why has it strained you and your daughters relationship? Shes being allowed to do something, its not as if she is willfully disobeying her parents and its definitly not something that should strain the relationship between you. That there is your issue not your daughters or the moms.... Get over that and dont let shit come between you and your kids. Absolutely. Just because times have changed doesn't mean that the opportunity to make the wrong decision is less abundant. Stick to your guns. It is your child as well. It is in your values that she will shape her opinions and concience. Yeah, what he said. I know how incredibly gullible and susceptible to peer pressure I was at that age, and I'm not going to allow my daughter to be put into a potentially harmful relationship so young, you're thinking along the right lines. How to talk to your ex though...well, if it would help, my husband and I often differ in opinions with our kids. however, we set an unspoken rule that maybe needs to become spoken between you and your ex: whoever's opinion lies with the MOST safety precautions wins. Period. I.e., I thought it was no big deal for the kids to ride bikes in the lot here without helemts, he disagreed. He wins. He thought it was no big deal to let our daughter spend the night at a particular friend's house, I did. I win. No arguements. It's just how we keep our sanity around here and minimize heated discussions. Now then with your daughter, that's a tough one. You may want to talk about the very real possibility of her being pressured into sex or drinking or drugs, and that you wouldn't want her to have to shoulder the life-long burden that comes with those actions. Go over the VERY REAL consequences and how it will affect her life -specifically. I.e., "Sex can lead to STD's that will be with you for life...even if you 'think' you're protected. Sex can lead to becoming pregnant and either the pain of abortion, or becoming an unwed young mom that will prevent you from ever becoming a world-class goalie on your soccer team (or whatever). Drugs lead to addictions that age and deplete your body, make you unemployable, and unattractive to those around you. It's a lonely road that starts out looking fun, but ends up a solo dead end." Just some thoughts, good luck with it, daddy.~Jaye Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Derekbox 0 #9 August 30, 2006 At 14 the control you have over a child is mostly superficial. If they want to do something behind your back, they will. Forcing them to do what you want will likely cause rebellions reactions, and as you have seen cause a strain in your relationship. None the less if they want to do it, they very well will do what they want, maybe even just to spite you. I think NWflyer has a good point. The issue between you and your daughter needs to be resolved (*comprimised*) between you and your daughter, she is no longer a child, she is a young adult now. She is or will be starting HS soon, reality comes fast and you need to be able to trust her, and she needs to trust and respect you. I also personally feel, by that age, the installation of selfrespect, selfconfidence and selfreliance is mostly done so to speak, if she is going to stick to her guns, respect herself, then she will. I have seen the results of children who have been overly sheltered, and it generally isnt pretty. The kids I have seen who did well entering into independent adulthood (i.e. leaving for college) had been living and had been treated as adults by there parents for many years. Times have changed, and so has parenting, I think working with your kids, respecting them and treating them like adults is the best way to get them to act like and become adults. Just my opinion. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Skyrad 0 #10 August 30, 2006 Ten Rules for Dating my Daughter. Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waistline. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing some kind of “barrier method" can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early." Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, a backhoe, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. Or a fighter jet over the desert in Kuwait. When my Agent Orange or other things I have been exposed to start acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mineWhen an author is too meticulous about his style, you may presume that his mind is frivolous and his content flimsy. Lucius Annaeus Seneca Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
yamtx73 0 #11 August 30, 2006 That sounds like me... no wonder my step-daughters never let me meet their boyfriends...The only naturals in this sport shit thru feathers... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Derekbox 0 #12 August 30, 2006 Think of it this way, in a year she can start skydiving in Russia... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
airtimebabe24 0 #13 August 30, 2006 Hey there! I'm 19 yrs old and i will honestly tell you, i didnt start dating until i was 16. my parents are divorced as well and had different views. i think 14 is way young to be dating one on one. he cant even drive her! group dates dad. group dates."The most wasted day of all is that upon which we have not laughed..." Nicholas Chamfort. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wmw999 2,179 #14 August 30, 2006 If you meet the parents and approve of them, then supervised time at his house, or at your house, or at the mall (while you're there) sounds reasonable to me. The skating rink (the kind where the door guard makes sure there's a parent to pick up if a kid goes outside) is also a good place for kids to get to know each other without parents too close. Of course, my child is a boy. But those rules worked for us, and the girls' parents were OK with them as well. He was very highly thought of by the vast majority of parents. Wendy W.There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KenGoff 0 #15 August 30, 2006 I agree. She should not be dating at 14. You could compromise and shoot the boyfriend. Just kidding on the shooting part. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skymama 35 #16 August 30, 2006 I posed your question to my 17 1/2 year old daughter and she said in 8th grade, it's ok to go to movies in a group with friends. In 9th grade, it's ok to go on a one-on-one date. At 13, she's too young to be visiting his house alone. Well, there you have it. I think it's time you reigned her in.She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man, because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FallinWoman 1 #17 August 30, 2006 QuoteTimes have changed, and so has parenting, I think working with your kids, respecting them and treating them like adults is the best way to get them to act like and become adults. I agree with this and all of what you said....HOWEVER... At 13 or 14 a child should not be put in situations where peer pressure and (and sometimes will) overwhelm them. There is no need for a 13 year old girl to be visiting a boy at his house. What are they doing there that they can't do at the mall? Or in a group? Why put your daughter in a situation that might get out of control? My 12 year old does not date. Pttsburg...you are not out to lunch. I have students (high school freshmen) who complain to me that their parents will not allow one on one dates. They "get around" it by going out in groups....which is exactly what the parents want! I have other students whose parents let them be a part of co-ed sleepovers! Yes times have changes, but we do not have to agree to all the new things!!! ~Anne I'm a Doll!!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lisamariewillbe 1 #18 August 30, 2006 you are not out to lunch. I have students (high school freshmen) who complain to me that their parents will not allow one on one dates. They "get around" it by going out in groups....which is exactly what the parents want!*** yupppers agree , one on one dates huge no no, group dates, lots of fun for all and parents less worried.Sudsy Fist: i don't think i'd ever say this Sudsy Fist: but you're looking damn sudsydoable in this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Derekbox 0 #19 August 30, 2006 I agree, unsupervised is precarious at best, thats why I delegated to NWFlyers idea of supervised time, mall, whatever you work out. The bottom line that you have to remember, is that at that age, it is basically impossible to supervise kids 100% of the time, and if they want to do something they will. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
StreetScooby 5 #20 August 31, 2006 Quote I need to get peoples input on this subject. My ex wife is allowing our daughter to go on 1 on 1 dates. She will be 14 in December and I feel this is to young. The ex allows her to go over to his house all the time. She keeps telling me times have changed and I agree.They have changed and not for the better. I know I am over protective like most dads would be, but 13 is way to young. This has put a big strain on my daughters and I relationship. Am I out to luunch on this??? Let me know what you think...thanksMad Meet the boyfriend. Make sure he understands the birds and bees, and subsequent lifetime deductions on his paycheck. Then, show him your gun. Let him know that he can run, but he sure as hell can't hide. If his pants are hanging around his knees, make sure he understands that he can't even run. You are in charge. Just do it.We are all engines of karma Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
StreetScooby 5 #21 August 31, 2006 Quote Ten Rules for Dating my Daughter ROFLMAO!!! I have saved this for future reference. My daughters are currently 8 and 5.We are all engines of karma Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freeflir29 0 #22 August 31, 2006 I'm so glad I have a son. Just ONE dick to worry about. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
henryvillar 0 #23 August 31, 2006 QuoteTen Rules for Dating my Daughter. ROFLMAO Thanx, haven't laughed like that in a while! The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of my employer, not necessarily mine, and probably not necessary. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jamesonfd 0 #24 August 31, 2006 Your daughter is playing you. You will absolutely lose her respect if you relent because "Mom let's me". Painful now, but a lot more painful later if you compromise and she understands that you can be manipulated. Set your rules (groups sounds good, but it's your call), and stick with them. I had three daughters. Their mother, my ex, was out of control....as your ex-wife is. The only solution, if she's truly not capable of "joint custody", is the courts. Get a good lawyer. If you love your daughter, fight for her. She'll kick and scream, but later she'll appreciate not being strung out or tied down with a 2 year old, or dealing with the psychological aspects of promiscuity. I went through a "rough stretch" with my daughters, but they are now all fine, grown women, who I have healthy, solid relationships. Their permissive mother? They avoid all unnecessary contact. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sockpuppet 0 #25 August 31, 2006 All you need is a porch, rocking chair and shotgun. Job done. I'm with the let her have fun brigade. In the UK 14 really isnt that young to be "dating" (we dont seem to make such a big fuss of it over here). Just make sure she (and the boy) knows thats if you play adult style you do it safely. I used to date when I was 14 (man that sounds so wierd) and my mates mum used to put the fear of god into me about knocing some girl up. Maybe thats becuase she had him when she was 16. This of course lead to all the lads when we turned 17 his mum was 33. Dont think he liked us oogling his mum ------ Two of the three voices in my head agree with you. It might actually be unanimous but voice three only speaks Welsh. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
