Friends with benifits after separation...

[J-S 0]

So my girlfriend and I are separating for now, because we're both not in love anymore. We do love each other like crazy, there's nothing we wouldn't do for each other. We were the love of each others life for the past 5 years. My anger problem hurt her, getting help for. Her debt keeps her working 7 days a week. No time together ruined it for me.

We do love hanging out when we do. We're both emotionally fucked right now. Example, we went hiking yesterday in the redwoods, a place we hiked 4 years ago, and she pointed out where we said we would get married. We both got emotional. On the way home she had her iPod on shuffle and the Whitney Houston song came on, "I will always love you", we both started crying and turned it off. We heard that song together on our first date 20 years ago. (we dated when we were 14 and found each other again when we were 28).

So ya, it's like that between us. She's moving in with a friend for now and we don't know what will happen to us. We do have love, just not in love right now.

We live with each other for the next week before we separate. We agreed to have sex while friends (which means nothing to me except making sure shes satisfied because I do love her, because making love with her was the most precious thing to me, I'm sure her too). Making love has always been the best between us, like no other.

My question, is this going to fuck things up for maybe (both uncertain as of now) being life partners in the future?

Excuse me for sounding like a pansy guy, but this was never like any other relationship we both ever had before. It's really special to us, even as the best friends we were and still are. Any other relationship we both agreed, out with the ex onto the next kind of thing.

I'll add, the sex is non-emotional right now, we're using it as a stress reliever, or to meet our sexual needs. I actually was going to treat my body like an amusement park yesterday and told her not to come in the bedroom, she asks if I wanted to have sex instead. We did, and plan on it today again. Don't know if I should, or we should.

[airtwardo 6]

Sounds like you're just 'taking a break'...at least that's the way YOU seem to be portraying things.

If you're leaving the option open for things 'later in life' and you're both cool with ~ knock boots!

From what you say here and in prior posts, you have some issues you are working through...good on you!

I take it SHE is the prime motivation for getting help with addressing things in your personal life...that kinda smacks of being in love my friend, that's a good thing if it motivates you toward positive change.

Your issues are pretty deep from what you've said...maybe you SHOULD take a break and be 'alone' to be able to devote 100% of your energy toward getting to the place you feel you want to be on a personal level.

Having sex with a 'friend' you care about and have been/are close to, can be a double edge sword though.

I'd be clear about the ground rules and expectations from the get-go. It can be easy for one you to get hurt when placing the same emotional value on the act it once had when you were 'together'.

Trust me on this, I woke up with a butcher knife stuck in the wall above my head once, placed there by an ex-so that had a completely different definition of 'casual sex; than I did!

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[J-S 0]

We both had on planned on taking a break in January at the end of our lease. My problems just pushed the date back a few months. Doing the whole live separate thing we agreed on a couple months back.

And yes she is the reason I'm seeking help initially, she cares enough to let me know the hard way and still be there no matter what. But this is for me and my life, before i csn share mine with hers, if that happens. Can't do this anymore. I live in my own hell, which has been getting better and better the more I condition myself. Thanks for the response Twardo.

[tri160 1]

Just went through the same thing with my ex. In a word DON'T!!!!!! It's been 3 months and I'm just now getting my head on straight. Like Twardo said take the time for yourself first.

[skydiverbry 0]

It sounds like to me you both are still "in love" with each other.

There just seems to be a lot of issues you both are dealing with now at this point in your relationship.
It sounds like you both just need a break from each other to take care of your priorities(anger management).

I would put the sex on hold till you both get this figured out.
Ask yourself this are you really using sex to relieve stress and meet your needs or are there those feeling deep down inside that is causing you to"make love"

--------------------------------------------------
Growing old is mandatory.Growing up is optional!!

D.S.#13(Dudeist Skdiver)

[ryoder 1,393]

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Trust me on this, I woke up with a butcher knife stuck in the wall above my head once, placed there by an ex-so that had a completely different definition of 'casual sex; than I did!

So "Play Misty For Me" was a documentary about 'Twardo???

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[airtwardo 6]

Quote

Quote

Trust me on this, I woke up with a butcher knife stuck in the wall above my head once, placed there by an ex-so that had a completely different definition of 'casual sex; than I did!

So "Play Misty For Me" was a documentary about 'Twardo???

Ya know, it was a few years after that movie came out but yeah I drew the same parallel at the time...the single most important lesson I learned ~

When she moves out...CHANGE THE LOCKS!

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[LuckyMcSwervy 0]

I don't have any advice. Just want to say good luck. I'm one of those people who think if it's meant to be you'll somehow, someway, someday find your way back to each other.

Always be kinder than you feel.

[Krip 2]

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I don't have any advice. Just want to say good luck. I'm one of those people who think if it's meant to be you'll somehow, someway, someday find your way back to each other.

Advice is on it's way from #2. Until then
Since I'm a romantic the only advice I have is wait until she gets her bills paid off. Especially if their student loans

R

[missbrz 0]

I'm all for friends with benefits but once more-than-friends feelings are brought into the picture friends with benefits doesn't work. You can't magically take the emotions out of sex; once they're there, they get too mixed up. I personally don't think it will work if you keep fooling around. Focusing just on you would be best imho.

[Fearjoburg 0]

To me its sound like both of you love each other

So go for it!

I believe if you both are patient and open-minded you will sort your issues out

Good luck

Blue skies

[Nataly 38]

Forgive me if this sounds harsh, but it sounds to me (from this thread and your previous one) like you are half-assing everything... You already know it's a bad idea - coming on here is merely an attempt to come up with more ways to justify your behaviour.

If you're serious about sorting yourself out, stop going back to the things that hinder your progress. Sex with the ex sounds like a lazy way of not confronting your problems. Ie: you want the good stuff, but not all the crap. I think anyone who has tried that has eventually discovered that the crap comes back with a vengence...

I personally don't mind what you do, but let's be serious: you either do or you don't want to be with her. Pick one and stick to it.

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[J-S 0]

No, not harsh. Thank you for your bluntness.

So we decided not to add benefits. Everything is too fragile and emotional to us right now. I proposed not seeing each other for a while. Just communicate via text, stupid Facebook, ect. Until we can both calm down and collect our thoughts and work on ourselves for a bit. Were only going to see each other briefly once a week to trade animals and exchange our own specialty foods that we both make.

Thanks for the replies people!

[Zep 0]

"I think anyone who has tried that has eventually discovered that the crap comes back with a vengence... "

Where were you when I needed advice 20 years ago.

Have you ever considerd doing a Dear ... advice column (no sarcasm intended)

Gone fishing

[shermanator 3]

Being "in love" is too often confused with lust. If you can't get past that that feeling will not always be there, then you will never be ready for a real long term relationship. I've been married for almost five years, and I love my wife with everything I have. It's not always fairytale love, but that is parrot the fun, if it was always perfect, things would get boring around here

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