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JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

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Booooo.........

 

 
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about
who was better on the computer. They had been going
at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing
all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 

"THAT'S IT! I have had
enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for
two hours, and from those results, I will judge who
does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and
typed away.

They moused.
They faxed.
They E-mailed.
They E-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was
faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning
suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain
poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every
curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just
sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and
each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's
gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power
went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of
his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he
screamed.. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he
has all of his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said, "JESUS SAVES." 

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A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her
 immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring
 his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his
 full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly
 stroking his face with both hands.
 "Actually, no," he replied.
 "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said,
 running her Hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
 "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there
 anything I can do?"
 "Yes.. I need for you to give him a message," she continued,
 running her Forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly
 popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth
 
And allowing him to suck them gently.
 "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
 "Tell him," she whispered,
 "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the
 ladies room."

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If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials of dead goldfish, the story that follows will have you laughing out LOUD!

 

Overview:  I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

 

Here's what happened:

 

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

 

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.  "I'm serious, Dad.  Can you help?"

 

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom.  One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed.   I immediately knew what to do...

 

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed.  "She's having babies."

"What!?" my son demanded.  "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

 

I was equally outraged.

 

"Hey, how can that be?  I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

 

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"  she inquired.  (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

 

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

 

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with sarcasm!)

 

By now, the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.  I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

 

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced.  "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

 

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

 

We peered at the patient.  After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

 

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

 

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

 

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

 

"Okay, okay."  Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.  It disappeared.  I tried several more times with the same results.

 

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

 

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."  (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

 

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.  We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

 

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

 

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

 

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

 

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.  "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

 

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

 

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

 

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.  "This lizard is not in labor.  In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...Ernie is a boy.  You see, Ernie is a young male.  And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um...um...masturbate.  Just the way he did, lying on his back."  He blushed, glancing at my wife.

 

We were silent, absorbing this.

 

"So, Ernie's just...just...excited," my wife offered.

 

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

 

More silence.  Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle.  And giggle.  And then laugh loudly.

 

Tears were now running down her face.  "It's just that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..."  She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

 

"That's enough," I warned.  We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.  He was glad everything was going to be okay.

 

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

 

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing again with laughter.

 

Two lizards:  $140

 

One Cage:  $50

 

Trip to the vet:  $30

 

Memory of husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

 

Priceless!!

 

Moral of the story:  Pay attention in biology class.

 

Lizards lay eggs!

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After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

> 'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

> It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

> And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

> 'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

> And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

> Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

> 'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

> 'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

> God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?'

> Now doesn't THAT make more sense than the rib story?

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On 4/19/2012 at 5:36 PM, missbrz said:

I'll probably get shit for this one. But remember I'm a girl ;)


How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Women can't change anything.

To make you feel better here is the opposite joke:

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?

None, because real men aren't afraid of the dark.

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>> A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.   
>> The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him 
>> a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing 
>> but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. 
>> 
>> She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. 
>> The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' 
>> Without a second thought, he takes off after her. 
>> A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. 
>> The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. 
>> On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.   
>> 
>> He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. 
>> The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands 
>> the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.   
>> She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 
>> 'If you catch me you can have me'.   
>> Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. 
>> This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. 
>> So for the next four days, the same routine happens 
>> with him gradually getting in better and better shape.   
>> 
>> Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, 
>> he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. 
>> He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program 
>> 
>> 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 
>> 'This is our most rigorous program.' 
>> 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.' 
>> The next day there's a knock at the door; when he opens it he finds 
>> a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes 
>> and a sign around his neck that reads, 
>> 'If I catch you, your ass is mine.' 
>> 
>> He lost 63 pounds that week

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The Chemistry Exam

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry midterm:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some
variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we
need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they
are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since
there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong
to
more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to
Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of
the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has
to
expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

(1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all
Hell breaks loose.
(2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes
over.

So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my
Freshman year  "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with
you,"
and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having
sexual relations with her, then: (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure
that
Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

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Sorry if this is recycled here ......

 

A guy was driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he saw a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the
backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting
there.  "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Beagle replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So,
what's your story?"

The Beagle looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young.  I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and
they had me sworn into the best branch of the armed services...the United
States Air Force.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping.  I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years
running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger.  So, I decided to settle down.

I retired from the USAF (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for
a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in.  I uncovered some incredible
dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.  I got married, had a mess of
puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed.  He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars?  This dog is amazing!  Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"
 
"Because he's such a bullshitter ... He never did any of that shit.  He
was in the Navy!"

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

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A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin’. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love. 
The problem was their lovemaking nooner. It took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn’t getting enough work done.
Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. "Homer,” said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you’re in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene’s signal to come out to you. Then you won’t lose any field time.” 
They tried Doc’s advice and it worked well for a while. But then Homer went back to the doctor’s office. "What’s wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn’t my idea work?”
"Oh, it worked real well," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene’d come runnin’. We’d find a secluded place, make love, and then she’d go back home again."
"Good, Homer. So what’s the problem?" asked the Doc. "I ain’t seen her since huntin’ season started!"
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The Gentle Marine

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by
a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper
tantrum.  No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the
seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a U.S. Marine Corps
uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.  Stopping the
flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine
leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the
boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and
quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the flight
attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, sir," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic
words you used on that little boy?"

The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's
wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they
entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I
choose, and that I was just about to make my selection for this flight.

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A man goes to the doctor with his wife because she's acting odd, and after a barrage of tests, the doc says:

"Well, it's either Alzheimer's or AIDS, and I can't tell which one."

The guy says "Well, if you can't tell which one, what's your advice?"

"Take her somewhere she's been before, and if she comes back, don't fuck her!"

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An oldie.......

 

>A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm
>  >count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and
>  >bring me back a sample tomorrow. The next day the 75 year old man
>  >reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as
>  >clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, "What
>  happened,
>  >didn't I ask you to bring me back a sperm sample?" The man went on to
>  >explain, "Well doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand,
>  but
>  >nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I
>  asked
>  >my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then she
>  >tried her left hand, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth,
>  first
>  >with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even
>  >called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and  her
>  mouth
>  >too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
>  The
>  >old man replied, "Yep , but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the
>
>  >damned jar open."

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Another Oldie...

>A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to
Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother
and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why
don't big planes have baby planes?"

>The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the
stewardess.

>So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats
have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

>The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

>The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother
that
there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your
mother can explain that to you."

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I might get kicked off the site for this one...

 Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.
> He has two large bags over his shoulders.
> The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
> "Sand," answered Juan.
>
> The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."
> The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them
> out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight
> and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing
> but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand
> into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him
> cross the border.
>
> A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks,
> "What have you got?"
>
> "Sand," says Juan.
>
> The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
> contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan
> crosses the border on his bicycle.
>
> This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.
> Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a
> Cantina in Mexico.
>
> "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something.
> It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep.
> Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
>
> Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

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>After having their 11th child, a North Georgia Mountain couple decided
>11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
>
>So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his
>cousin didn't want to have any more children.
>
>The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
>could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
>
>A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry
>bomb (fireworks are legal in the North Georgia  Mountains), light it,
>put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count
>to 10.
>
>The redneck said to the doctor,  "I may not be the smartest man in the
>world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to
>my ear is going to help me."
>
>"Trust me," said the doctor.
>
>So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
>
>He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
>
>"1"
>"2"
>"3"
>"4"
>"5"
>
>At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and
>resumed counting on his other hand.
>
>This procedure also works in Kentucky, Tennessee, Mississippi, West
>Virginia, Arkansas and parts of Missouri.

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