JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[wolfriverjoe 1,345]

If you have an unreasonable fear of Santa,

You might be...

Claus-traphobic.



(taken from the outdoor light-up sign of a Window company in Cedar Rapids IA)

"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

[JerryBaumchen 1,049]

Hi folks,

Every family has at least one wierd relative.

If you do not know who that is, then . . . .

Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,049]

Hi folks,

Did you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and feel glad that you are alive?

A guy across the aisle on my last airline flight did that; they will not let him ride on their airlines again.

Jerry Baumchen

[keithbar 1]

headoverheels

The world's leading expert on Vespula germanica walks into a record shop.
He asks the assistant “Do you have European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week and is said to be the best recording of European wasps ever collected!”
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and confirms that it is indeed the correct recording, European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. "Let's try the next track," the assistant says, and moves the needle.
Again the expert listens for a moment and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."
The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
"This is outrageous false advertising! No specimen of Vespula germanica or any wasp that I know of has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! I'm the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is simply no way that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

. Groans all around. Boo hiss

i have on occasion been accused of pulling low . My response. Naw I wasn't low I'm just such a big guy I look closer than I really am .

[keithbar 1]

JerryBaumchen

Hi folks,

Every family has at least one wierd relative.

If you do not know who that is, then . . . .

Jerry Baumchen

. Raises hand

[wolfriverjoe 1,345]

keithbar

***Hi folks,

Every family has at least one wierd relative.

If you do not know who that is, then . . . .

Jerry Baumchen

. Raises hand but I'm well aware of who it is

Yeah, me too.

I know perfectly well who it is.

And I'm fine with it.

Quote

"Two roads diverged in a wood and I - I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference."

Robert Frost.

And he's absolutely right.

"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

[irishrigger 31]

Clive and his wife Silvia were awakened at 3:30 am by a loud pounding on the door.Clive gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain,is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” yells Clive, “it is 3:30 in the morning!”

He slams the door and comes back for sleep.

“Who was that?” asks Silvia.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,”he answers.

“Did you help him?” Silvia asks.

“No, I did not, it is 3:30 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”Clive replies.

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife.”Can’t you remember about four months ago when we broke down,and those two guys helped us?I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself! Lord loves drunk people too.”

Clive says”All right!”and gets dressed,goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the darkness,”Hey,are you still there?”

“Yes” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out Clive.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the darkness.

“Where are you?”asks the bleary-eyed husband.

“Over here on the swing set,”replies the drunk guy.

[irishrigger 31]

Farmer Joe walks into a bar with his bull. He says, “I will give any of you 500 bucks if you can make my bull laugh.”

A man yells, “I’ll take that bet,” and leads the horse into the men’s room.

After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. Joe screams to the man, “OK, I’ll give you 1000 bucks if you can make my bull cry.”

The man shouts, “You’re on!”

After a few more seconds, the man exits with the bull trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long-snout. Thunderstrucked, the farmer asks, “How did you do it?”

The man replies, “I said that my reed was bigger than his and he laughed. Then I showed it to him.”

[irishrigger 31]

Police on horse says to little girl on little pink bike, “Did Santa Claus get you that?”

“Yes” answers the little girl.

“Well please tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!” and fines her 5 bucks.

The little girl looks up at the police and says, “Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa Clause bring you that?”

The police giggles and replies, “He sure did!”

“Well,” says the little girl, “Next year tell Santa Claus that the dick goes under the horse,not on top of it!”

[irishrigger 31]

The Pope had just finished a tour and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked to the driver if he could drive for awhile. Well, the driver didn’t have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limousine and the Pope takes the wheel.

The Pope proceeds onto highway and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 100 mph, and suddenly he sees the blue-red lights of the Traffic Police in his mirror.

He pulls over and the police officer comes to his window. The officer, seeing who it was, says, “Just a moment please, I need to call in.”

The police calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he’s got a really important person pulled over, and how to handle it.

“It’s not Edward Kennedy again is it?” replies the chief.

“No Sir!” responded the police, “This guy is more important.”

“Is it the Governor?” replied the chief.

“No! Even more important!” replies the officer.

“Is it the Mr.President? replied the chief.

“No! Even more important!” replies the police officer.

“Well.Who is this fucking guy?”screams the chief.

“I don’t know Sir” replies the police officer.“But he’s got the Pope as his chauffeur.”

[irishrigger 31]

Jelena walks into a Bmw salesmanship. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she mistakenly breaks Wind.

She felt very ashamed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a salesman doesn’t pop up right now.

As Jelena turns around, her worst nightmare comes true in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool like Johnny Depp and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, “Good day, Madame. How may I help you today?” Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, Jelena asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely car?”

Salesman answers, “Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.”

[irishrigger 31]

A frog goes to a seer to find out if he will ever be lucky in love.

The seer reads his palm and tells the frog, “I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?”

The frog wants to learn good news at first.

The seer says, “You are going to meet the most beautiful girl, who is going to be very interested in you and will want to know all about you. She will want you to open up for her and you will give your heart to her.”

“That’s awesome!” says the frog. “But what’s the bad news?”

“Well, you’re going to meet her in Biology class.

[irishrigger 31]

Caitlyn is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.

She goes to the door then opens it.Caitlyn sees a guy standing in front of the door.

He asks the lady, “Hello! Do you have a Vagina?”

She slams the door in angrily.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same guy and he asks the same question to her, “Hello! Do you have a Vagina?”

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband Jason comes home from work Caitlyn tells him what has happened for the last two days.

Jason tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Darling, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again.”

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.

Jason whisperes to Caithlyn, “Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he’s going with this.”

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same guy is standing there, he asks, “Hello! Do you have a Vagina?”

“Yes I do.” says the lady.

The guy replies, “Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours!”

[irishrigger 31]

Matt went to see his doctor and nervously asked if he had ever laughed at a patient in his business life.

The doctor reassured him, “In over twenty five years I haven’t laughed at a single patient because I always remain completely professional.”

With that Matt dropped his jeans revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It wasn’t bigger than a Duracell alcaline battery.

The doctor just couldn’t help himself and burst into uncontrollable laughter before composing himself and saying, “I’m sorry, I really am, I don’t know what happened to me. I promise it will not happen again. Now what is the problem?”

Matt said, “It’s swollen.”

[irishrigger 31]

A husband Archer and wife Courtney are playing golf on a weekend.

They are on the eighth hole when the Courtney suddenly slips and falls into place.

“Help me love,” Courtney groans to Archer.

So the husband calls nine-one-one on his cell phone, talks for a minute, then he picks up his lofter and lines up his shot.

Courtney uses all her strenght to raise her head off the pitch and stares at him as she gasps, “I sprained my foot here and you’re still playing?”

“Don’t worry, honey,” says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.

“Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” Courtney asks feebly.

“Oh no time at all,” says Archer. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”

[irishrigger 31]

Shane walked into the bar and sit on the chair. He says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender says, “What’s the matter? I think it is too much.”

Shane replies, “I found out my brother is gay and marrying with my best friend.”

The next day Shane comes again to the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.

The bartenders asks, “What’s wrong this time?”

Shane answers, “I found out that my son is gay.”

The next day the Shane comes in the bar and orders 20 shots of whiskey.

Then the bartender asks, “Doesn’t anyone in your family like women?”

Shane looks up to the bartender and says, “Apprently my wife does.”

[irishrigger 31]

Earl goes to the drug store with his young son Geoffrey. As they walk past the preservatives display, Geoffrey notices them and asks his Dad, “What are these, Dad?”

Earl doesn’t believe in hiding things from his son and thinks his son is old enough to learn about such things so he says, “They are called condoms. Men use them for safe sex.”

Geoffrey looks at the display and notices there are packs of three condoms. He points to them and says, “Well…Dad, why are there three in those packets?”

Earl replies, “Those are for high-school boys – there’s one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.”

“Cool!” Geoffrey says, who then notices there are packs of six condoms and asks his father, “Then who are the packets of six for?”

Earl answers, “Those are for university guys. There are two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday.”

“Wow, sounds amazing!” said the boy, “Then who uses these?” as he picked up a twelve-pack.

Earl sighs sadly and says, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March, one for April , …one for May , …

[irishrigger 31]

A 75 year old man Gary was having his yearly checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.

“I’ve never been better!”Gary boasted.

“I’ve got a 20 year old wife who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an insatiable hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.”

The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?” the doctor asked.

Dumbfounded, Gary replied, “No, what?”

The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him.”

“That’s can not be true!” screamed the old man.

“Someone else must of shot the bear.”

“That’s kind of what I’m getting at,” replied the doctor.

[irishrigger 31]

A young guy was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient bald headed Nicaraguan man with a long, white beard. “I’m lost,” said the young guy. “Can you put me up for the night?”

“Of Course!,” the Nicaraguan man said, “but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will perform the three worst Nicaragua tortures on you.”

“Ok,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old and ugly as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner,bald headed man’s daughter came down the stairs. She was young, charming, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man’s warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear. Near dawn he crawled back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest.Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, “Nicaragua Torture 1: Large rock on chest.”

“Well, that’s pretty simple,”he thought.”If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about.”

He picked the boulder up,walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: “Nicaragua Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.”

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, “Nicaragua Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”

[irishrigger 31]

A manager at Walmart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would decide which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you know of?”

The first man responded, “An idea. It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.” “That’s very good!” replied the interviewer.

“And, now you sir?” He asked the second man. “Hmm, let me see, a wink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A wink is the fastest thing I know of.” “Cool!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.”

He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. “Well, out at my dad’s farm, you step out of the house, and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you turn that switch, way out across the grassland, the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.” The interviewer was very affected with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light,” he said. Turning to Abba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Abba responded, “After hearing the previous three answers, it’s clear to me that the fastest thing known is Runs.” “What!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response. “Oh sure,” said Abba. “You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, wink, or turn on the light, I had already sh*t my pants.” Abba is now the new greeter at a Walmart near you!

[irishrigger 31]

20 years married Katherine and William go to the clinic for control.

After the checkup, the doctor called Katherine into his office alone. He said, “William is suffering from a very heavy stress disorder. If you don’t do the following duties,unfortunately,he will die.”

“Every morning, prepare healthy breakfast for him. Spend good time together. For lunch cook nutritious food for him. You must do housework without his help.Don’t discuss any problems with him, it will only make his stress more bad. No nagging. And most important you have to make love a few times a week with your husband. If you can do this for the next 8 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home, William asked to his wife. “What did the doctor say?”

“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.

[irishrigger 31]

A mortician Henry was working late one night at the mortuary .

He examined the body of Mr.Fritz,about to be cremated and made a startling discovery.

Mr.Fritz had the biggest private part he had ever seen!

‘I’m sorry Mr. Fritz,’ the mortician commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive special part.It must be saved for posterity.’

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his suitcase, and took it home.

‘I have something to show you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife Monica and he opened his suitcase.

‘Oh My God!’ Monica screamed,

‘Fritz is dead!’

[irishrigger 31]

Dr.Plumber said, “Jonathan,I have good and bad news!Good one is that I have a solution for your headaches.The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates terrible headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Jonathan was shocked and collapsed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate for a long time to answer, but he decided that he had no choice and has to be operated.

When Jonathan left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in fifteen years, but he felt like he was missing a crucial part of his body. As he walked down the street, he noticed that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a stylish men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need, a new suit.”

He entered the store and told the sales clerk, “I want a suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see … size forty two long.” Jonathan laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business for fifty years!” Jonathan tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Jonathan admired himself in the mirror, the sales clerk asked, “How about a new shirt?” Jonathan thought for a second and then said, “Sure.” The sales clerk eyed Jonathan and said, “Let’s see, thirty two sleeve and sixteen neck.” Again, Jonathan was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business for fifty years!”

Jonathan tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Jonathan adjusted the collar in the mirror, the sales clerk asked, “How about new shoes?” Jonathan was on a roll and said, “Sure.” The sales clerk eyed Jonathan’s feet and said, “Let’s see … Thirty nine.” Joe was amazed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business for fifty years!”

Jonathan tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Jonathan walked comfortably around the shop and the sales clerk asked, “How about some new underwear?” Jonathan thought for a second and said, “Sure.” The sales clerk stepped back, eyed Jonathan’s waist and said, “Let’s see… size thirty six.”

Jonathan laughed. “Finally! I got you! I’ve worn size thirty two since I was seventeen years old.” The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear size thirty two.Your size is thirty six.Size thirty two underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you a terrible headache.”

[irishrigger 31]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making sex to a very beautiful woman.

“You son of a bitch ” she cried. “How can you cheat me – faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!”

And the husband replied “Wait a minute love,I can explain you what happened.”

“Fine, right on,” she said, “but this will be the last conversation between us!”

And the husband began: “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked for into car. She looked so bad and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for two days! So, in my mercy, I brought her home and warmed up the meatballs I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. She ate them in seconds.

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I tossed out her dirty and full of holes clothes Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your birthday present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste.I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the luxury boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same.”

Man took a quick breath and continued to talking – “She was so grateful for my help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Please …do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

[irishrigger 31]

One day four business men goes to the hospital. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room because their wives give birth to babies.

A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman Craig, “Congratulations! Your wife had a baby.”

Craig says, “What a nice coincidence! I’m the president of And1!”

The nurse goes away.

Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman Demarcus, “I have good news! Your wife gave birth to twins!”

Demarcus replies, “What a coincidence! I’m the owner of the Minnesota Twins!”

The nurse goes away.

The nurse comes back and says to the third businessman Erroll, “Congratulations! Your wife had triplets!”

Erroll says, “Unbelievable coincidence! I work for Triple Crown!”

The nurse goes away.

The nurse comes back and sees the fourth businessman Garret alone on the bench and he was crying.

The nurse asks, “Why are you crying sir”?

Garret answers, “I work for Seven Up.”