Flying and Dying...

[Skylark 0]

I'm 32, I completed AFF this summer, I had a line-over MAL on my 2nd consolidation jump. During my AFF training, upon each journey to altitude, I was so terrified that I promised myself this would be my last jump, and that upon reaching the ground I would apologise to my jump-master, make my excuses and leave without completing the course. During each freefall however, I screamed in excitement, convinced this is what I want to do.

That was 6 months ago. I haven't jumped since, but I'm now thinking and dreaming about flying and skydiving, 24 hours a day. However I'm also having very bad nightmares and unpleasant thoughts, too. Usually the last 5 seconds ground-rush before impact and death. Some days I spend planning my next 100 jumps, other days I sit in silence brooding over my 'foolishness' for even thinking about getting involved in such a dangerous sport. Some days I dream about eventually learning how to fly a wingsuit, other days I consider getting on with my life and putting skydiving out of my mind for good.

Why am I having such violent mood swings? Am I the only one with such thoughts? Could they be related to my personal life outside skydiving? Any help much appreciated...

"Into the dangerous world I leapt..." William Blake, Songs of Experience

[Michele 1]

Hi, Skylark.

Y'know, I don't think it's as uncommon as you may think. Seems to me you are battling something incredibly instinctive - the fear of falling, coupled with a fear of death. Someone explained it to me as the brain's way of staying alive, which makes sense to me. Then the question posed to me was do I remain instinctively protective of myself, or do I jump? I had a cutaway early - and as a result, have had intense battles with myself about being able to get onto the plane, let alone out of the plane.

I think a lot of people go through what you are going through - I did (and, if I'm to be totally honest, still do, although it's less and less). I have made a choice, though - the choice carries consequences, as all choices do. It's up to you to decide if you want to push through the fear and see if it diminishes later, or to stay on the ground.

There is no shame in making the decision to stay on the ground, btw. If you choose that, more power to you - you will always have tasted the rarified air, and participated in a unique experience. And that's a treasure to cherish.

It's your decision to make. But an observation I have is you wouldn't be posting on a skydiving forum unless you really wanted to stay skybound....

Ciels-
Michele

~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek
While our hearts lie bleeding?~

[Snowbird 0]

disclaimer... I have not had a major malfunction or even a bad scare, yet.

That said, it sounds like you're trying to talk yourself out of doing something you very much want to do. Why fight it? If 6 months on the ground haven't toned down your desire to do it, do you really want to walk away?
And no you're not alone in the mood swings. This spring when I was doing my student progression (IAD) I was constantly fighting guilt and anxiety that I wouldn't be able to finish it, that I couldn't afford it, that I was being foolish and selfish. Those feelings were only banished by the next jump.

And as a thought, go read Michele's articles in the archive.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein

[hooked 0]

You aren't alone in your feelings. You have completed AFF? I have the same feelings but I have only done 4 tandems. My fear is having a bad landing and breaking something or the fear of not being able to remember what to do or flare at the right time, etc.! I don't even think twice about doing a tandem, because somebody else is in control. I love "going out the door"! At times, I want so badly to be a skydiver and then other times I'm not sure I want to take the risk. I do know, there is nothing that compares to being in the air and seeing the Earth from 13,000 ft. outside the airplane! I go back and forth with these thoughts all the time and my age is another factor that makes me want to think 'twice' about becoming a skydiver. In the spring/summer, will be decision time!

J

--------------------------------------
Sometimes we're just being Humans.....But we're always Human Beings.

[cgross 1]

You are definately not alone!!!

I have not has a MAL, but i have had an injury.
My "beer" jump was my least scariest. Maybe it was cuz i had no expectations. My second was THE SCARIEST. And for several jumps after that i said on the way to the plane. " Why the fuck am I doing this" repeatedly to myself. On the way to alti i questioned myself and my "poor" decisions for doing this. I thought i was alone, because I was in a program with a friend of mine, and he never talked about his fears. So i didn't talk either.

On the way to the DZ one day he asked if i ever thought about stopping. I said " Every Jump!" Me Too he responded.

But there was something there, something keeps drawing me back. I am a wreck inside up until the moment i let go of the plane. Once i let go, all my fears are gone and it is complete bliss.

Then I broke a bone. I have been grounded since september, but I have gone to 3 DZ's 5 times since then just to be there.

Am I scared to jump again. Yes a Bit. Will I jump again? Yes.

This is my choice though. It is not pressure from a friend or family (though my family hates that i jump), and this is not my pride. This is my thought out decision to do one of the greatest things in the world.

It is always your choice. I think though that you are posting this because you want to come back. If you do, then be happy with your decision. If you don't come back, be happy with your decision.

The facts don't lie. You will probably get hurt someday, and You will probably know someone who is killed given enough time in this sport. Those things happen in skydiving, and those are the things you need to consider. It is not irresponsible of you to do this if you want, but you need to honest with the people in your life about your decision.

Again, it is your choice, and I hope you choose the one that is right for you.

Good Luck,
Chris

[Galen 0]

I just recently finished AFF and got my license. It took me quite a few jumps just to be comfortable with the idea of jumping. The plane ride was the worst and making my way to the door worse yet. Once I was out the fear was gone and it was pure exhiliration (sp?). I would say it really depends on how comfortable and confident you feel in freefall.

It's better to be scared and conservative than cocky and reckless when participating in this sport. I also had to fight the $$$ guilt, family guilt, etc. My parents refuse to talk about it except for the article in the paper recently about a skydiving incident. My Father cut it out and gave it to me and then just grunted.

If it's not something you want to do every weekend or every month maybe just stick to tandems every now and again. As long as it's fun for you and you get something positive out of it.

Respect the Dolphin

[Lolie 0]

I wish I had discovered dz.com while I was still on student status; I felt the way a lot of you have described here. Sitting in the plane on the way to altitude, thinking, "Why in the HELL am I doing this???" But I knew it was something I had to do. I pushed through that feeling, because something kept telling me that if I stopped, I would regret it forever. I'm still just a baby jumper, but I know that that voice in my head was right. Now I'm addicted, and I love it.

-Miranda
you shall above all things be glad and young / For if you're young,whatever life you wear
it will become you;and if you are glad / whatever's living will yourself become.

[sunshine 2]

This is what i said to one of my JM's after i had about 15 jumps. "I'm scared to death of skydiving, but i'm more scared of living the rest of my life without experiencing that feeling again and again" He thought i was nuts...which i am. Anyhoo, you're not alone. It's normal to be scared. I honestly think i was somewhere in the 100's before i totally relaxed in the plane. Follow your heart and be safe.

___________________________________________
meow

I get a Mike hug! I get a Mike hug!

[Cepheus 0]

I'm still doing my AFF training. My first 4 jumps were tandems, which were pretty easy because I was attached to another person that I trusted (3 of 4 of those tandems were with the same guy). On my first AFF jump (level 3), I was pretty scared, but relatively OK because I knew I'd have jumpmasters with me. That, and I'd jumped just the weekend before...

Then I had to wait two weeks before my next jump. The anxiety I felt while in that plane was the WORST I had ever felt in my entire life. The ENTIRE ride up was fraught with 'I can't do this, what was I thinking? Yes I can, hell, I've done this 5 times before. No, I'm nuts, call it off. Shut up, yeh you can, don't wuss out. No YOU shut up, I'm riding down with this plane. No you're not! Yes I am! No you're NOT.'

Then Tinya asks "Are you ready to skydive?" Before I could think, I yelled, "Hell yes!" Then went back to the tennis match in my head... It was only after I got out onto the door that I started calming down. I was doing something, I had something to concentrate on rather than the nervousness.

Course, once I was out the door I was fine. Well, except for that right spin... sigh.

--
Skydive -- testing gravity, one jump at a time.

[steve1 5]

Skylark,
I admire people who skydive. One reason is that it's not easy to master your fears and actually jump. I've had all the feelings you are talking about when I first started. Believe me the more jumps you get the easier it will become. After a 100 jumps or so it won't be very scary, just really really fun. If you quit now you'll always wonder what it would have been like if you had hung in there. What most of us get out of the sport greatly outweighs any risk involved. I'll also bet you that if you quit now you won't like yourself as well.

A friend of mine has over 6,000 jumps. He's been jumping over 30 years and still loves it. He told me that when he first started training to jump that he didn't tell anyone, even the relatives he lived with, because he didn't know if he could actually jump, and he didn't want anyone to know he quit. Hang in there. You'll be sorry if you don't. Steve1

[gemini 0]

Quote

...upon each journey to altitude, I was so terrified that I promised myself this would be my last jump...

During each tandem and AFF jump I made, I had similar thoughts. Mostly it was "Why am I doing this again?" I was not the best student and repeated a level or two. Got into trouble during a track on the 4th or 5th AFF jump and deployed at my pull altitude head down and on my back. Remember thinking "This is gona' suck" as I saw the PC and d-bag come up between my legs. But I stuck with it because of the all new people I kept meeting who are now very good friends. As I approach 1,000 jumps, I am very glad I kept going.

I think you will learn to love it too! By the way I have not had one of the "Why am I.." thoughts since my 100th jump.

Don't give up because you're not perfect. A lot of us were not natural fliers.

Blue skies,

Jim

[hooked 0]

Cepheus,

I LOVE your signature!!!!!!!!!! I have been trying, and trying and trying to come up with something clever like that, but no luck so far.

J

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Sometimes we're just being Humans.....But we're always Human Beings.

[Cepheus 0]

Quote

I LOVE your signature!!!!!!!!!! I have been trying, and trying and trying to come up with something clever like that, but no luck so far.

Why, thank you! It was really a spur of the moment kinda thing... I tend to do a lot of that, lately.

--
Skydive -- testing gravity, one jump at a time.

[novacaine 0]

Don't worry Skylark. Many of us have had such dreams from one point or another. I usually have those dreams when I haven't jumped in awhile. I think its our minds sub-consciously telling us how much we love this sport. I really haven't heard of someone not having these dreams. I think its a way of say "welcome to skydiving!"

[Squeak 17]

Everytime I go up in the plane I practically shit myself. I have to concentrate on my breathing so I dont hyperventilate and i try and focus on what to do during the jump. When I'm climbing out the door I scraming in my head that this is "f#@$king stupid".
Oncw I'm in freefall I have nothing running through my mind except what I'm suposed to do. Once I'm under canopy, I scream a BIG YAHOO with a grin from ear to ear. Then I know why I go up and climb out perfectly good aeroplanes.
Skydiving ROCKS

You are not now, nor will you ever be, good enough to not die in this sport (Sparky)
My Life ROCKS!
How's yours doing?

[bobsoutar 0]

[Am I the only one with such thoughts? Could they be related to my personal life outside skydiving?]

Seems from the posts that plenty of people have similar thoughts, particularly in their early days.

We all need to "slay our dragon" sometimes and you will probably need to get back into skydiving to slay yours.

I know very little about dream therapy but your dreams could well be related to your personal life - apparently you will continue to have similar dreams until you do something about the situation they relate to (not necessarily skydiving, by the way).

[happythoughts 0]

Stay scared. It will keep you serious about your gear checks and emergency procedures. Scared can keep you alive.

[Luminous 0]

Quote

Scared can keep you alive.

AMEN.

Complacency Kills.

BSBD

"Dancers are considered insane by those that don't hear the music."

[jumperconway 0]

Hey Sky,
I did 1 Tandem and 4 AFF jumps 5 years ago. It took 4 months to do because of a lack of JM's, bad weather and high winds. I would stay at the DZ all day and tremble with the thoughts of what if? I quit the sport for 1 1/2 years out of frustration but still considered myself a skydiver. When I started back at a new DZ, as I went thru the retrain I was nervous all over again. Halfway thru it we went into the King Air and just smelling the inside again made me queezy! The winds calmed down late in the day and we were told we could make a jump. I passed! I told the JM that I just didn't feel good about it and he agreed that I should wait. I went home and slept on it planing on going back the next day.
The next day when I got there and manifested,the JM told me we were on a 20 min call, I didn't have idle time to get scared! I had to go over the dive flow again and again. I had failed 2 earlier jumps for not staying altitude aware and going low. I just told myself in the plane, "the fear stays in the plane". The jump was the best yet! On the 3rd/4th jump back in, I was to do back or front flips, I don't recall, I was freaking out in the plane because I couldn't picture it in my head.The JM asked me why I was so nervous and when I explained to him the reasoning,He smiled and said "Conway, It's only air!If you screw it up, just get stable and try again! You've got 60 seconds to get it right!"
Those were very calming words to me then. I didn't have my first chop until jump#489. I always had the fear of not knowing how I would react in an emergency situation! Finding out how calm and collected I was during that moment of excitement also helped out the nerves. Now over 1000 jumps and I'm still scared enough to check my chest strap at least 5 times every load and always get a pin check before leaving the plane. No room for complacentcy. I'm damn glad I made the step to come back to the sport I dearly love now!

Good luck and remember, it's never too late to come back! The skies will always beckon your presence!
Blue ones,
C 1062

[steve1 5]

Air and just smelling the inside again made me queezy!
....................................................................
It's funny how smells can bring back memories. For years the smell of nylon would bring back the butterflies of my first jumps. Even the smell of a horse would bring back thoughts of my rodeo days, when I had a tough bronc to get on. I think just knowing we were once all scared is encouraging. Encouragement is probably what most newbies need most. Steve1

[Cepheus 0]

Quote

It's funny how smells can bring back memories.

Hell just THINKING about the smell of aircraft exhaust gets me excited, and I just started...

--
Skydive -- testing gravity, one jump at a time.

[totalwreck 0]

Hey Skylark --

As with many of the folks that have replied, I can completely understand your perspective and know what you're talking about with regard to the pendulum swings of your moods. I think this is pretty common.

There was a very similar thread last year and when I responded then I stated that I too get scared and specifically said that I hated when the door opened and it was time to go. Once out, everything was fine, but the minute or so before exiting, I hated it and had the EXACT same thoughts you're talking about.

Well, a year or so has passed and I can tell you that now I LOVE it when the door opens. The point? With some experience (and not necessarily all that much, I'm very much a newbie) you gain confidence and you know that you can get the job done (the “job” being not to hurt yourself or others). I am not at all implying that I'm over confident -- to the contrary, I think I am way conservative (as has also been told to me by those I've jumped with). Being respectful and mindful of what this sport can do to you is the only mindset to have.

With the constant thoughts of skydiving you're having, it seems pretty obvious you are a skydiver and you're going to stick with it. You're just in that "lack of confidence" phase that will pass with a relatively small number of additional jumps. Good luck!

[hooligan 0]

" During my AFF training, upon each journey to altitude, I was so terrified that I promised myself this would be my last jump"


that is the exact way i got through ranger school. every day i told myself i was gonna quit tomarrow. then there wasnt a tomarrow.

and as for anxiety, most of us go through that at some point.
mine was the 1st time i jumped my own pack job. somehow it just freightened me. te funny thing is, it was probably one of the best openings i ever had..i looked up, saw a beautiful pd210 over me and screamed "f*ck yes!"

[Biscuit 0]

I too get scared and specifically said that I hated when the door opened and it was time to go. Once out, everything was fine, but the minute or so before exiting, I hated it and had the EXACT same thoughts you're talking about.***

I call it "Step Depression": Hearing the wind and climbing out.

I get upset and depressed while climbing out, but freefall is the prozac!

******************************************

The last mosquito that bit me had to book into the Betty Ford Clinic. -Patsy

[Scoby 0]

I've heard a few people refer to it as "door fear." Certainly when I was taking AFF, I didn't feel the fear rising up until the door opened and people started exiting. Then the reality of what I was up to sunk home and I got a bit nervous. It always went away the moment I was out the door, though. Freefall was and is about pure, unbridled joy!