For Friends, With Friends

[Michele 1]

I try to sleep, but really can't. It's hot but the cats want to cuddle, and the clock keeps ticking through time. Will I be actually be graduating tomorrow? Really? Nah, I've just been pretending, they'll find out I really can't do this, they will finally see through the sham. I can't graduate, I don't know what in hell I'm doing! I don't have a handle on the fear yet, Ed's been taking it easy on me, I really will kill myself or someone else. And all those DZ.com'ers are going to be there, everyone else will be watching me, they're sticking me under a smaller canopy, I just know I will tank the landing. I want a sunset load, Ed beside me, and the SkyVan. I don't want to go and fail - myself, Ed, or anyone else. I turn my face into the pillow, trying to sleep. But I peek at the clock to see how much I'm not sleeping.
********
Zclubber, his friend Nick and I are running late, and pull into the parking lot at about 9:30. We get out, and here comes Albatross, yelling and running across the lines of cars. "Michele, c'mon - Nelson's in the hospital". My heart clenches, my throat closes off. I hand my stuff to Zclubber and take off, but Albi has gotten into a truck, and I didn't see which one. I can't find him - did he mean for me to follow in our car? No, wait, there he is, and I climb in. What happened, how is he, will he make it is all I can say, and Albi reassures me that it's nothing life threatening, but that Nelson didn't flare or flared to late, and has seriously broken his leg. "Flaring doesn't count if his feet are already on the ground", I say, and realize that my friend is really hurt.
We get to the hospital, and we go into Nelson's room. He is really high, has been given morphine and something else, and still in great pain. I see him pale as the technicians try to realign his leg, making him hurt even more. I try to think of something to do, maybe distract him, but in the end I can't, there's nothing I can do, nothing I can say. Nelson's hurt, and I can't help. Nelson's doctor is a really interesting man, reminds me of Apoo of the Simpsons, bad haircut (looks like he'd been freefalling without a helmet), wild temper and a foul mouth. He keeps shouting at people on the phone, and hanging up on them, then yelling at whoever is nearby about how medicine is not what it used to be, and how come there is managed care when it means no care, and something about passports which I just don't understand. I keep thinking that he's going to offer us a slurpee like Apoo, and that makes me giggle. Which isn't right, because this is serious, and I shouldn't be laughing. But the doctor is a cartoon character, Nelson is way doped up, and this whole day is shot to hell. Nelson gets x-rays, and damn that's a big break in his bones, and my stomach rolls. It's so easy to get hurt, and that's my friend lying there, and I still have to find some strength, some way to jump today. To graduate today.
Nelson is finally transferred to a different hospital, and Albi and I get back to Perris. We catch up on how everyone is doing, and we find out that there has been another incident with someone and he turned to low and the ground didn't get out of his way so he has shattered his pelvis. What is going on, and am I really going to jump today?
I meet everyone from dz.com, and find out that our record attempt was pretty much a bust, and I feel worse than ever now. I get over to the school, maybe for the last time, and there's someone I don't know sitting in the office. I tell her I am late for my level 8, and she says she may not be able to get me in the air. Which is almost o.k. with me, because this is such a weird day. But Zclubber has been jumping, and he is ready to take his level 8 and graduate, and Kimmer is landing as I watch, and she does really well, so I push a little with this new girl, and she is really snippy, and says "well, we'll just have to see". I finally convince her that it will be o.k., and she then says "it will be with who I set you up with, you will use the plane I put you on, and I am not making an instructor wait until sunset so you can be happy. I mean, they've been working all day". I decide not to smack her, and just walk out.
I go to the bleachers and sit. Nothing is happening right today. Should I really push my luck? Am I tempting the skygods with this? How odd and forboding the day has become. How daylight dark. I am close to tears, feeling overwhelmed with all of this, and so I just watch the jumpers land. I watch Clint and J.C. and Jim and Luigi, and they're so incredible; I see all those swoopers, and I relax a little. I watch a main and a bag come floating down, and my brain cramps. There's three, I think, I just don't believe it, what is in the air today? And should I get up in the air with it? I feel like there's some vicious evil air-imp up there, just picking and choosing who it's going to play with, poke and prod, tease out of the air, and I wonder if there is a target painted on my soul. I am getting truly frightened now.
Ed comes over, and says to me that he won't be jumping with me today, that he has too many jumps and Moley will be jumping with me, and that I'll be o.k., and I am really angry and it is NOT o.k. I want Ed there, not because I need him there, but because of all he has done for me, all he has taught me about myself, all he has given me in these last weeks. I want him to see what kind of a man he is, how he has changed my life, how I value him as a person and as a friend. And the only way I can think of to show him, and not just tell him, is by graduating for him, with him. And I can't even do that. I start to cry, just a few tears. My throat closes down, and my eyes get blurry. I try to tell him what he means to me, what this jump means to me, and I look at him, and hope he understands. He tells me to just graduate, that this would be the best gift I could give him, but that feels so empty. He has to go, and I am there, now, alone with my fears, and this ungiven gift.
I get up, and walk around. I go back to the group of people, and try to talk and joke myself out of this mood, and distract myself. It's got a hold of me today, this fear, it's holding on hard. I can't get it away, I can't chase it out with good thoughts. I can't focus away from it, it is utter and total now, swarming through my head like a flock of sparrows and it's migration time.
I get called into the harness room with Eric, and he askes me what the five main things in any skydive are. I say "pull, pull at altitude, pull stable, and land safely" and I am wracking my tired and overheated brain to have the fifth one, when he looks at me and winks. "Bring beer is number five". Somehow that is the perfect thing to say to me, as Zclubber and I have lots of it in the ice chest already. I laugh, and start to relax. Eric and I get through the harness room, and now I have to wait - I have about a 45 minute call, and Zclubber is going to jump with Moley on his level 8, so I can watch him land and then get ready. I notice that at least I have the SkyVan, but now I am nervous because I have seen that thing on take off and landing, and it is the most unusual aircraft I have seen. It's hard to believe that it can fly, let alone fly safely. And it strikes me then that I have no idea how to leave this plane, so I run around trying to get as much information as I can about what it's like, and what to expect, but everyone has gone, and there's not much information except "oh you'll like it" and "it is fun", which doesn't do a darn thing for me.
Zclubber lands, and all went well. He graduated! It's my turn, and now I get ready to go. Moley and I walk through the jump, Viking is there taking pictures, for some reason he thinks me in a smurff suit will be interesting. I am shaking, and near tears again. I get the rig from the wall, I will be in a smaller and different one. I do a gear check, and it looks fine. I get it on, Moley does another gear check, and off we go. I am trailing behind Moley, and as we pass by Square One, Ed, Dana and Blue are standing there, doing the wave and cheering me on. Which nearly makes me cry. We get to the Skyvan, and there is DZBone, Shark, Albi and Nick, and they are climbing in. So are Jim Slaton, Luigi, Clint and J.C.; Damn, I have heros and friends on the plane with me. I am a lucky girl.
This is a wide plane. I choose my seat, because it is not a full load. I sit right up next to the pilot, because I can't handle the door being up in twin otters, so I don't think I could handle it if I had to watch the floor disappear. We take off, and Moley and I are talking, and I am trying to get this jump through my head. Barrel rolls, and a delta track. Shouldn't be hard. I then remember to ask Moley how I get out of this plane, and he says, "take a deep breath, and run". Excuse me? I cover my mouth with my hands, and shut my eyes. I can't picture this. I try to get over to automatic pilot, but I can't quite make it there. I am breathing hard, sweating and trembling. I move my hands to my eyes, and pretend that I can do this, pretend that it doesn't matter if I fail, or biff the landing, all that matters right now is getting out of the plane. Everything will flow from that. I look up, and Shark is watching me, and smiling his gentle and wonderful smile. I take a deep breath, and smile back. Why not? I think, if I am already pretending, then I should pretend a smile, too. But it's real. And it being real surprises me, and helps me breath.
Now it's at 11k, and we are letting the CReW guys out. Everyone crowds to the door to watch them hang from under the plane, and then just drop off. Moley asks me if I want to, and there is no way I want to be any closer to the gaping hole with no floor until I am getting out. Then the guys get ready to lauch their formation, and I watch Albi, DZbone, Nick, and Shark leave the plane. It's my turn now.
I stare at the place where five minutes ago there was floor, and now there is none. I stare at Moely, who smiles and nods his head. O.K., I say, O.K., and I'm ready and I am not really running but more like 58 teeny little stuttering steps and now I am out - out into the sky, out into the air - and there's nothing, dead space.....my heart beats once and then, bang, I am into the relative wind, and I am doing a forward layout flip, then I stop it, but somehow get into a back layout flip, and go over. I feel like I am going over again, so I arch really hard. I finally stabilize, and rest for a moment. That was not a poised exit, but now I have to do a barrel roll. Which is a wimpy, sorry excuse for a roll, because it only goes half way and I get stuck on my back, so I kind of jerk my body around back to the neutral position. I decide to do the next one with more verve, more intention, and I really throw my arm into it this time. And here I go, spinning, and rolling over, feeling like a flopping fish. But this is fun too, now, and I check altitude, and I am fine, and Moley signals to go into delta, so I do, and it's like I had always dreamed - arms back, soaring through the sky, cruising with the speed of the wind, flying through the day's end, mountain shadows stretching long beneath us. I see the dropzone under my right arm, and push that direction, but gently, and now I am a bird, sailing through the sky. I am directing my body, I look where I want to go, and I fly into the 6 o'clock sun. It's over all too soon, I am at 6k, and I break into a huge grin and blow a kiss at Moley. It's time to pull, it's over, this freedom, over until next time.
I am under canopy, and we are really far southeast of the dz, far downwind. I guess I can really move in a track. I bring myself into the wind, and test out this canopy. I turn hard right, left, right, and then left into a 360 which really isn't, watching to see how much altitude I lose under this parachute. I plan out how I need to approach, and then I feel the tears prickling. I have done it, I know I did well, I am in the sky again, and I know Ed is watching from below.
I dance in the deepening daylight, I float in the softening sun. I chase the evil air-imp, knowing that I will be alright, knowing that I can tempt and tease it, pay it back a little for the damage it has done to my friends today. I am in charge now, in the sky, under this chute, I am in charge, and I get aggressive, for me. I turn, and spin, and sashay side to side. I am free, for now, free, and alone with the world in the sky. There is no sound, the whispering of the pilot chute and slider a distinct harmony to the silence, and I shout "I did it"... and then I whisper "I did it", just to test the difference.
I check to make sure I am still where I want to be, and decide the exact spot, right in between two flags, where I want to land. I remind myself to flare, and I settle into my landing pattern. I make small adjustments, and angle nicely and gently into my path. I am coming down a little faster than I am used to, and I see all my friends there, waiting for me. I near the earth, I begin the final descent. I go to half brakes, hold, hold, and then finish the flare, standing it up - and taking only one step. I ground the canopy, and burst into tears. I get helmet and goggles off, wipe the tears away, and shout -shout against my fears, shout in triumph, shout in joy, shout for being alive, and living my life.
And here comes Shark, hugging me through rigs and chutes and tears. And now Albi, who hold me tightly and just won't let me go (even though my nose is squashed against his gear). He kisses my cheek, and then here is everyone else. And now Ed comes over, and just gives me that look. I know he's proud, and I start crying again. He hugs me, and then stops but I won't let him. He laughs and keeps hugging me, and tells me that I need to stop crying, that I am getting my face all dirty and dusty, and we laugh. But it is bittersweet, because this is the last time he will meet me after a jump, yet the next time we jump it will not be as student and teacher, but as friends.
I graduated.
********
I solo next week. I am too tired and hung over to do it today.
********
Ciel bleu-
Michele

[skymedic 0]

good for you girl, I am so proud of you!!!!!now you just wait and see. these next few jumps will be the best and most memorable ever. no pressure just pure FUN!!!
now go and get out of that plane!!!
Marc
A-38578

[Albatross 0]

Welcome to the party. Save the first dance for me even if it is on a wednesday afternoon.
Ready, Set, GOOOOOOO
Albatross

[Alienangel 0]

oh no. Not another one.

[PalmettoTiger 1]

Quote

oh no. Not another one.

Cry me a fucking river. You know by now who writes the stories that you dislike so much. Why do you read their posts? Just a need to complain?
Blues, squares,
PTiger
Yes, yes, taken in by the troll, all that. Ha ha. Whatever.

[ClayFowler 0]

Now....jump your ass off and learn to fly on your head. Once you go head down you'll never go back.
"I want to fly like a silly angel, Lean for the sky, straight into the sun"-Fuel
Clay

[FallingMarc 0]

Congratulations, blue skies, and beer! Marc

[westcoastchica 0]

michelle, i know i told you before, but i just adore your writing style. good stuff.
anyway, i really wish that i could have been there to say congrats in person, but i couldn't seem to find any of you guys. i know this was an emotional journey for you. thanks for sharing.
i can't wait it meet you in person. good luck on your way to your license. and hey, don't sweat the solo jumps. i flipped out up until the moment i actually got out of the plane alone, and once i was out, it was amazing. you will love it. take a sunset solo and just take it all in. it's good for the soul.
congratulations sweetie, you are awesome!
Lara

[Daygs 0]

Michele,
Just had to buzz in here and say CONGRATS!!
By the way... WOW, do you have a way with words! If I could describe a moment in my life with half of that charisma, I'd not only be a gentleman, but a scholar as well.
Blue Skies
ALL 1111 & 4 ALL

[Shark 0]

Quote

And here comes Shark, hugging me through rigs and chutes and tears.

Congrats! I/we were fully confident of your abilities to kick ass. It was a lot of fun watching you at the front of the flying milk carton. =) And even more fun on your approach and perfect landing. (You just wanted to impress the Shark, huh?) Better keep that video, too. Not just because I'm in it.

• Quote

[PLFKING 3]

You go, home-girl.
I am so proud of you hanging in there, and finally achieving the goals you set for yourself. You have become a member of a very small fraternity.
I especially want to say thanks for sharing your stories along the way. Almost without fail, every one of them reminded me of the same feelings I had while going through student status, and they never failed to bring an inward grin when I remembered what it was like to nail each one of those TLOs, and get affirmation from my JMs on a job well done, and the feeling of euphoria and accomplishment .... and yes, PRIDE....I felt in myself.
What can I say ? Awesome stuff.....
Don

[DZBone 0]

Goodbye, student, hello, skydiver!
Solos, caoch jumps, two-ways, 4-ways, big-ways, CRW, freeflying, head-down, BASE....
The past is behind us, the future is uncertain. Life is lived in the moment.
Carl

[FreeflyPlaymate 0]

Congratualations!!! Maybe it's the way how you write, or maybe the fact that I have been there and felt that feeling, but I noticed as I was reading your post that my vision was bluring and as I blinked I realized that I totally connected with what you were saying, and how you described it so well, I could almost vision it clear as day. Thank you for sharing that....I wasn't at Perris, but I do feel like I was now....
**BLUE ONES**
BITE ME.... :P

[lazerq3 0]

Way to go michele!! Now you can really taste free FLight on your own!!!
jason

[nimbus 0]

That's fantastic Michele!! You must be so proud of yourself... I only know you through here but I am proud of you too... congratulations!
Larissa

[xybe 0]

Now that's a season finale! Too bad we don't get teasers for upcoming installments Just to prove that being a student can kick ass!
Man, I wish I could be there to see it.
Still shedding whuffo-ness
Check out the Hardcore Whuffo pages

[Stumpy 256]

So Michele - We wait with baited breath - are you going to keep writing all the way to your "A"..... and maybe beyond???? (Please?)
Blue skies,
S

[judedre 0]

well michelle you have graduated now come you need to come to florida were we are going to give u a liftime membership to team tumblefuqs ( www.tumblefuqs.com ) to be a tumblefuq you have to still have fun skydiving, have less than 200 jumps ,Never make more than 5 jumps in a day,and remeber skydiving is about having fun so dont take it to damn seriously,And always be proud of messing up a skydive,,
blue doodies
dre

[Jabeln79 0]

Michelle,
very well spoken. congrats on your graduation..the solo jumps are the best. i still have one more solo to go before my license. Youll love it and do great i am sure..
Blue skies
Joe