To jump, perchance to fly...

[Michele 1]

So here I am, getting ready to go to bed, because I want to jump tomorrow...and then this stray thought flies through my head:
"Michele, do you really want to jump"?
Last jump was a month ago, and the jump before that was a month before that for my recurrency. Before that, it was October.
Last jump, I had ludicrous line twists. Blew through my hard deck trying to clear them, made some bad decisions. Now, not only am I scared of this wonderful thing called jumping, but I am second guessing my ability to fly the canopy. I am scared I won't recognize a malfunction, or fight one too long if I think I can correct it, and leave myself no options but to land with a bad canopy. What about winds, those damned dust devils? The chatter in my head is running, all the what if's and what are you doings...and I can't believe I am still this frightened about jumping. I know how incredible it is in the air - the joy, the extreme clarity, the freedom...and the fear is back, too.
I am so disappointed in myself, it makes me want to cry in frustration. I thought I had gotten the fear handled, or at least controlled. Not hardly.
Does this happen to anyone else, or am I just living up to my nickname?
Ciels and Pinks-
Michele
If you really want to, you can seize the day; if you really want to, you can fly away...
~enya~

[Cornholio 0]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
[subliminal] yes....you really want to jump .... just do it[/subliminal]
To get to the other side...duh...
__________________________________________
If first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you.

[drenaline 0]

Sure you want to jump, you are a skydiver, you just need to feel the fun, freedom, adrenaline and drink the beers again.
It happened to me last week I had 3 weeks without jumping, as soon as I got into the plane all my fears left me.
If you are not so sure about your emergency procedures, you should practice in the practice harness some red and silver pulls, and you should review canopy emergency procedures and how to recognize problems (i.e. line twist, streamer, broken lines, horse show, etc...).
Remember your 3 legs entry, downwind, base and final, and you shall be ok. Land into the wind.
>>I am so disappointed in myself, it makes me want to cry in frustration. I thought I had gotten the fear handled, or at least controlled. Not hardly.<<
Don't be, we all get scared, have nerves, etc... the first jumps, some get more relaxed after 10 jumps, others 20 jumps and others can have 200 jumps and still have fear, it just takes time and jumps, to loose all that.
To be more relaxed try meditating, breading, joke around and scream "WOOHOOO" in the plane.
read the stuff posted here:
http://www.dropzone.com/cgi-bin/forums/showflat.pl?Cat=&Board=forumtalkback&Number=150549&page=&view=&sb=&o=&vc=1
"Life is full of danger, so why be afraid?"
drenaline

[FallRate 0]

Michele, when you no longer experience fear while jumping out of a plane, it is then that you should consider quitting. No one should approach this sport with the idea that it is "safe". Fear will keep you alive!
FallRate

[gravitysurf808 0]

Welcome to skydiving..while still on "student status" (I'm still a student and always will be) I thought many times, while driving up to the DZ, that I could just turn my car around and drive home and no one would ever know. Damn I'm glad I never did!!!To this day, if I take a month or so off, I STILL get butterflies in the airplane. But they are "good butterflies"! Your "fear" is healthy. It means you have a respect and an awareness for what you are doing. This equates to longevity (hence living too) in the sport of skydiving.
You already have demonstrated the skills and capabilities to make it to the number of jumps that you currently have. That is something to be proud of and to keep building on!! Congratulations!
Re:Line twist and going below your personal hard deck. It sounds like it bothers you which means "you learned a valuable lesson" and one you will probably never repeat again. (welcome to skydiving!)
An instructor told me once when I had 20 jumps that if you aren't scared then "something is wrong!!" It's means you're not taking it for what it is. Keep you're obvious healthy respect for what you are doing and KEEP JUMPING!!!
Know that what you are feeling is normal....we all have been through the same thing.
Welcome to the Family"This is the 4th time I've been late for work this week!!...and it's only Tuesday!" ...Cheech and Chong

[gravitysurf808 0]

btw.... the trick to getting over the fear during your first 100 jumps is (if financial possible) to jump as much as possible any and every weekend that you can!!!
You'll be amazed at the results! Have Fun! Be Safe! Skydive!!!
"This is the 4th time I've been late for work this week!!...and it's only Tuesday!" ...Cheech and Chong

[FallingMarc 0]

Quote

To be more relaxed try meditating, breading

Breading? I'm not a very good cook, so that would make me more nervous probably. Or wait, maybe you meant "breeding". That could be relaxing, true.
I'm a smartass. Sorry, I'll shut up.
Michele- I realize I only know you from your writings here, but as far as I can tell, you love this sport, and you want to jump. What you have here is totally normal, it happens to everyone when they haven't jumped much for an extended period. I got the jitters when I went a couple of months this winter without jumping. The only cure is to get out and do it. You will feel at home once more...
Marc

[drenaline 0]

Quote

Breading? I'm not a very good cook, so that would make me more nervous probably. Or wait, maybe you meant "breeding". That could be relaxing, true.

Damn english! can't seem to get it right, am a spanish speaker, on the other post I said "breed". Yep you can imagine the laugh after another skydiver told me about it.
Thanx for the correction, I'll try and remember it.
"Life is full of danger, so why be afraid?"
drenaline

[Deleted 0]

Just get out and do it. I started in 98, (11 jumps), did just 2 currency jumps in 99, none at all in 00, and finally got back in the saddle sept 01. Closing in on "C" qual now. Yea, the door jitters were there pretty bad for the first couple, but I solved that really quick......I just spotted 4-5 C 205 loads.....got my concentration where is should have been. (YOU give a bad spot to a plane load, and you'll have much more than butterflies to worry about!)
Rev Jim
A-39869
"It's just what I do..."

[Snowbird 0]

You know, Michele, Thursday before last, the 9th, I looked myself in the mirror and said, "Girl, you did 5 jumps last year. Do you really want to do this again? Why? It costs SO much money, and it's dangerous. You don't really need to go again."
Yup, it was my nasty little inner voice convincing myself to stay grounded and 'not bother' pursuing something although I spent all winter yearning for it. The simple truth is that I was scared s#%@less and was looking for an out. So I hunted that evil voice down and knocked it silly. 8 hours ago, I did my first freefall. I saved my own life. And I doubt I'll come down off this high before Thursday. You know the one I'm talking about, I've read all about it in your accounts from PFF (the same accounts, by the way, that helped keep me pumped up all winter). You know that feeling of letting go, surrendering to the air, joining the wind for awhile. You know there's nothing like it. Get in the plane!
Or think of it this way. You landed a bad canopy. Right choice, wrong choice, whatever, all it really means right now is that you can land a bad canopy. Sounds like a major achievement to me!
You go girl!

[Jessica 0]

Michele, this is a post I made in Feb. 2001 on the old dropzone.com. it was in response to a post a little like this one.
Okay, really stoopid story:
I went six weeks without jumping shortly after my second reserve ride. I was SERIOUSLY FREAKED (and still am, kind of). I'd go to the dropzone and just hang out and pick up people who landed out and hang out and watch and loan my rig to friends and get all excited when I saw them in the air and get pissed if they dragged my pilot chute walking back to the hangar and tell people who demanded to know why I wasn't getting on the fricking load to BUGGER OFF.
Anyway, last Monday, I went out there, and asked if there were any instructors who could make a jump with me (I didn't want to pay $$ for a AFF recurrency jump if I could help it) and sure enough, someone could. I paid for his slot and we talked about what we were going to do and I geared up and got in the plane. (The hardest part is manifesting, because if you do that, you'll put your gear on, and if you do that, you'll get in the plane, and if you do that, by God, you'll jump out).
Anyhoo, this is my point...I'm sitting there, my back against the pilot's seat, other people jammed all around me, all grinning...and the plane takes off...and I'm watching the needle on my altimeter creep up and up...and we hit 1000, and I take off my seat belt and helmet...and I look around, out the windows, and I grin, too. And I lean over to my friend and whisper "I feel like I'm home."
But you can't really whisper on a plane so everyone heard me and I got lots of smiles and one, "That's because you are!"
Then everybody told stupid skydiver jokes ("What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver hahahahah") and then Greg and I climbed out and I gave a count and YEEEEEHAW THERE WE GO!!!!
It was $%#$# awesome. I was shitty in the air but so what, cause I did it, and until the moment I let go of that plane, I didn't know if I ever would again.
I did a wicked solo immediately after, and I'm gonna do a hop 'n' pop this weekend.
Moral: recurrency jumps are cool! Sort of like your first cigarette after a week of not smoking.
Enjoy the rush! See you Sunday morning!
Jess

[skydiverbrian 0]

Being scared and having butterflies are good things! Remember that first jump? You might never have that level of fear/excitement back again. You had a less-than-perfect jump -- so what?!. You are here to talk about it and learn from it (which is considerable, since ours is such an unforgiving sport). If you're nervous or a little scared, you really need to get back in the plane - don't let fear defeat you.
Just cuz your hard deck is 2 grand doesn't mean you have to dump at 3500. Open a little higher and it won't come up on you so quick. You'll have more time to figure out and deal with mals.

[quade 3]

Michele --
Did you ever hear the one about Jan Meyer being too scared to jump?
Check out THIS.
quade
http://futurecam.com

[gale 0]

Hi, I'm a student jumper and here's what's going on with me right now.

I'm hoping to do my next jump next Friday. It's the first one back after BADLY spraining my ankle, it will have been six weeks on the ground by then. Flared to early, didn't PLF. Since I've jumped we've had two reserve rides out at the dz one of which being VERY scary, I would say about 5 seconds away from death. This is very unusual for us as were are a small dz.
So now I'm worried about: nerves, getting out of the plane, remembering how to do anything in freefall, my concentration (I don't want to be thinking about the landing in freefall), mals, flaring, landing, and reinjury. Quite a list. My minds had lots of time to think about all this stuff.
So I'm going to tell you what I'm telling myself: I will not let this beat me. Skydivers get injurred (or in your case, mishandle mals). We make mistakes. The important thing is learing from them. You can bet I'll NEVER forget to PLF again and I'm guessing you learned the value of a hard deck. I'm going to do what I can to illeviate my nerves, and pulling high might help you with yours. And I'm doing lots of mental rehersal. It's easier to be calm on the ground and then try to carry that feeling into the air then just "wing it". I know that when I get down I just want to go back up again. I'm going to hold onto that feeling and trust in it. Don't beat yourself up about your mistakes. That will not help.
I can do it, and so can you.
Good luck.
Gale
Isn't life the strangest thing you've ever seen?

[pilotdave 0]

My first 20 jumps were spread out over a couple of years. I repeatedly went months without jumping. Every time I came back to do it again, I'd ask myself why I was there. On the plane, I'd be thinking "this is just stupid. There's no reason for me to be doing this..." But once I was back in the air, I would remember exactly why I came back. After opening, I wouldn't be able to stop smiling for minutes.
Skydiving has its risks. If you don't want to keep doing it, don't force yourself. But from what I'm reading, I don't see that. You want to do it. The only way to deal with the fear other than quitting is to face it directly. Go jump as many times as you can as quickly as you can. Trust that you can deal with any malfunction. If you don't think you can, review the emergency procedures. But just remember how fun it is. Deal with the fear to get yourself to go do it. After a few jumps in a row, the fear will get less and less, and you can focus on the good parts instead of the bad.
Dave
http://www.skydivingmovies.com

[ltdiver 3]

Michele!
Good to see you at the DZ today! Your smile, when you rounded the corner from the parkinglot, just lit up the (then cloudy) sky! We saw your first beautiful landing. Fantastic stand-up touch-down!
So, how was your 2-way with cptnstratn?
Blue Skies and Soft Landings! ltdiver
____________________________________________
LightDiverCam

[FallinWoman 1]

Michele,
I know i told you that i did the exact same thing you did...blew right thru my hard deck fighting line twists...that was in December.
Today I had tension knots in my steering lines....couldn't pull my right toggle any lower than my ear. I had to decide. I checked my altitude. I flared in rear risers. I checked my altitude. I tried to unknot it. I checked my altimeter. I did a miniflare to my ears. I checked my altimeter.
I landed that canopy in nice high winds, doing a mini flare, preparing to PLF. The lesson here is that I checked my altitude every two seconds. And you will, too. You have learned the hard way, through a good scare, to keep checking.
I must also confess that I still get serious jitters the first jump of the day. I did jump number 200 today. After the first load of the day, i am not usually very nervous, but that first one makes me a bit tense. Butterflies are normal.
I got to soar through the air this weekend. I learned, I laughed. And so shall you.
Get you butt up there!!!!
love ya, girl!
Anne

[Michele 1]

You guys all are so great. Thanks for understanding - I still don't understand this, but it's getting clearer...
I jumped twice today, and passed up on the opportunity to jump with CaptStrttn...who is a glorious doll...we will next time. I was tired, and had a bad 2nd landing (I did a beautiful PLF, but must have sat on a rock...my bottom hurts!), and so called it "done and done good" for the day.
I will be posting about the jump tomorrow - simply too tired to write it out tonight (you know how talkative I get), but I think that in talking to you all here, to Vinnie this morning, and to CptnSttn after jumping, we may have figured out the problem...and may have devised a solution. I think my problem is I spend the entire freefall worrying about if the canopy will open, and once it does, I spend the rest of the time worrying about how I'm gonna land this thing, and where I'm gonna land this thing, and will I break me or someone else trying to land.
So, canopy class (if I can financially swing it...hmmmm, who shouldn't I pay? LOL) and then, after surgery and recovery, 5-8 hop n pops to develop trust and confidence. What do you guys think?
I am an exhausted but content lady tonight. I do love jumping. And to know that you have gone through similar things (those who have), makes me feel so less alone, and more like this is a "normal" experience - this questioning, this frustration, this pushme-pullyou kinda thing...
OH! And Gianni, I didn't breed nor bake bread today, but I did breathe - just for you! I also held my breath going through the cl(industrial haze)ouds for the first time...
I really appreciate your support, from my heart I appreciate it.
Til tomorrow, my friends. And Thanks.
Ciels and Pinks-
Michele
If you really want to, you can seize the day; if you really want to, you can fly away...
~enya~

[drenaline 0]

WOOHOO MICHELE!!!!! so are you ready for next week? and the week after? and after? and after? and after? hope all your answer are "yes!". I would really like to make a 2-way with you when I take my trip to perris (for the ppl reading this, I accept donation, money, checks, maybe credit cards) make this boy happy!

Quote

OH! And Gianni, I didn't breed nor bake bread today, but I did breathe - just for you! I also held my breath going through the cl(industrial haze)ouds for the first time...

ROFLMAO
I read that while drinking a glass of water, guess what came out of my nose.
Yeap build up your confidence with the openings, remember that it will open 99.9999% of the times, yesterday I packed for a friend for the first time and he said that it was the shmoothest on heading opening he has ever had, it felt great (the trust of my friend and the opening).
Try and concentrate in your freefall (arch, relaxed, fun), leave the canopy worries for when you open, freefall is for freefall and canopy is for canopy.
Me no-lika canopy control, my butt and knees hate me for that, I keep flaring when my butt is on the ground, its hard for me to judge the flare altitude. One day my butt hited the ground twice on the same jump, landed on my butt made a flare, it lift me up and landed AGAIN on my butt, it was funny painfull but funny. First thing to do when I go to the US is canopy control course.
I am very happy to see that I could help you out, and VERY happy you didn't took my advice by the letter (breed in the plane or breading)
Blue Skies Michele!
Hey I got "Enthusiast", BEER!
"Life is full of danger, so why be afraid?"
drenaline

[skybytch 259]

Sorry I missed this thread earlier... Congrats on getting back up there girl!
pull & flare,
lisa
If I can't have everything, well, then just give me a taste...

[gravitysurf808 0]

Congrats on your jumps!!!
Just keep jumpin' & jumpin' & jumpin' & jumpin' & jumpin' it only will get better from here "This is the 4th time I've been late for work this week!!...and it's only Tuesday!" ...Cheech and Chong

[Donna 0]

Michele -
I SO understand your frustration and where you are coming from. I started jumping in July '99. Just did a couple tandems that year. The next spring I started AFF. Because of problems with the airport students could only jump on Sunday that year and so many Sundays we got weathered out so it took most of the summer to even get through student progression. The whole time I fought the fear demons. By October I was finally starting to feel a bit comfortable and not so neurotically fearful about jumping and then I had my off DZ jump where I ended up in a tree and then fell 30 feet and injured my back. Due to my back and then lots of snow it was April before I was ready to jump again and then I wrecked my knee before I even got in the air. It was July before I finally did get back up there and by then my fears were back with a vengance. I was really terrified of landing off again. On every jump I was neurotic about who was spotting, where jump run was being flown, what outs were in that area, what the exit order was, could I end up downwind of the airport again, were there many clouds that could affect the spot, etc. etc. I did manage to get another 25 jumps in but it still wasn't with enough frequency to totally get over my bad case of nerves. Again, by fall, it was getting easier and more fun.
Then I had knee surgery and again I've gone through a long layoff. I've been really pumped to start jumping again and I've been doing a lot of visualization about my comeback jumps and have just been waiting for my knee so I can do it for real. I was feeling pretty darn good about it all. I swore it was going to be different this year. Then 2 weeks ago my husband almost killed himself on a downwind landing and while watching him in the ER, knowing he had broken vertebrae in his back and watching his blood pressure plummet and the fear I felt over losing him or having him end up paralyzed I thought to heck with skydiving. It is not worth this! It really scared me... and it scared him. It was very frightening thinking of life without him or with him in a wheelchair. Sure I had thought about the possibility before but this drove the reality of it home. Luckily he will be fine. No spinal damage and no other real injuries (besides lots of bruising) and his 4 vertebrae (L1-4) are healing nicely.
The last two weeks I've given a lot of thought to jumping. I had never worried about my husband under canopy. He had always done pretty well. He never really listened to the radio as a student and he had been on the same load as my tree jump and managed to set down in this tiny clearing. He only has 111 jumps but was always cautious and I knew he'd never be into hooking or anything. He seemed like a sensible, careful jumper under canopy. I couldn't believe he had screwed up as bad as he did. He couldn't either. He's not sure where he is going from here.
Part of me - the wimpy chicken wuss part - has latched onto this incident thinking it is time to call it quits. There is kind of a relief to think of never having to put myself through that gut wrenching case of nerves that I always get the morning of a jump. I also gave thought to my kids and what we are doing to them. This was driven home when last week as my husband was laying there in pain and my 14 year old son walked in and looked at him and then me (who is still dealing with knee issues) and says in this funny voice, "Sooooooo, what are your parents like?" and then replies, "Oh they're cripples." and turns around and walks out. I also worry about my husband. I think if I quit he would quit. He got into jumping because I did. If we continue jumping and anything ever happens to him again I will feel totally responsible.
So needless to say I have given all this jumping stuff some very serious thought. What I finally came down to was what would life be like without jumping in it?? I have lived with thoughts of planes, canopies, blue skies, freefall, DOOR!!, jet fuel smell, cameraderie of jumper friends 24/7 for almost 3 years now. Life would feel so empty without it. Sure I enjoy a lot of other stuff. I'm really into my kids and their sports etc. I love hiking and reading and skiing etc. But without jumping I'd feel lost. Afloat with no direction. I wouldn't be me without it any more. This sport scares me but it also gives me life. The thought of never again having that sense of freedom and self accomplishment I get as I leave a plane at 13,500 feet is unbearable. So I will perservere. I will fight those chicken-hearted wimpy demon thoughts of mine and I will continue to jump.
Sorry for rambling on so much but this post just deeply touched me.
Knowing that others out there have similar thoughts sometimes helps me greatly. Occasionally I get the feeling that I'm not really a skydiver, just some kind of imposter. I thank you so much for being so open with your feelings, Michele. I'm so glad to hear that you went and had 2 nice jumps yesterday and I look forward to reading about them. Hang in there sister. And please keep sharing with us all.
Blue Skies,
D