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LouDiamond

Something to offend everyone

By LouDiamond, in The Bonfire

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LouDiamond    1

LouDiamond
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART I

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan.

What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? One US leader.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely? Because Janet Reno is her real father.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together? 100 people who don't do dick.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING UP!)

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.



What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.



What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.



What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes.



How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.



What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.



Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.



Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and handsome? Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.









A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18.



Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.



What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.



What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"



What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.



Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.



Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA.



Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.



Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo."





SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III (Just Great Stuff)



What's the Cuban National Anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"



Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.



Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong"



What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.



What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring.



What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".



How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!



My, my, how times have changed. Years ago...When 100 white men chased one black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan; today they call it the PGA TOUR.



Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides




- Ham & Eggs: a day's work for the chicken, a lifetime commitment for the pig.
"It's just skydiving..additional drama is not required"
Some people dream about flying, I live my dream
SKYMONKEY PUBLISHING

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Gawain    0

Gawain
:D Made me want to look for my "Truly Tasteless Jokes" books.... :P
So I try and I scream and I beg and I sigh
Just to prove I'm alive, and it's alright
'Cause tonight there's a way I'll make light of my treacherous life
Make light!

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NeedToJump    0

NeedToJump
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim are already in America.

What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
One's a Goodyear and the other is a GREAT year!

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years, the job still sucks.

What's German for 'virgin'?
Goesintight

Whats the difference between pink and purple?
Your grip.

How are parsley and pubic hair alike?
You just brush them to the side and keep on eating.

What's the difference between a pregnant women and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.

Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear miniskirts?
Their balls hang out.

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.

How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Snowballs

What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
Beat it - we're closed.

Why did the Clintons decide to name their dog Buddy?
Because nobody wanted to yell, "Come, Spot," out loud.


And one perfectly clean one for the children:

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Damn."
Wind Tunnel and Skydiving Coach http://www.ariperelman.com

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Gawain    0

Gawain
Quote

:D Made me want to look for my "Truly Tasteless Jokes" books.... :P



Muhuwahahahaha...found on and opened to the perfect one for these forums... :D:SB|

Quote


(Slightly edited to bring up-to-date)
The Italian and the Polish parachutists were arguing about who was best at packing a parachute. Unable to resolve their dispute on the ground, they decided to go up in the plane and judge by the in-air performance of their canopies. The Pole jumped first, pulled his pilot chute and had a nice, soft, on-heading opening, and started flying his canopy into a landing pattern. The Italian jumped next, pulled his pilot chute, and had a total malfunction PC in tow. So he pulled his reserve handle and again, nothing happens. While still in free-fall, in a matter of seconds, the Italian whizzed past the Pole, plummeting like a stone.

"Oh," shouted the Pole, while cutting away his main, "so you wanna race!"


So I try and I scream and I beg and I sigh
Just to prove I'm alive, and it's alright
'Cause tonight there's a way I'll make light of my treacherous life
Make light!

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LouDiamond    1

LouDiamond
"A Fish Story"

A priest took a sabbatical to a fishing lodge. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!

No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is. A Son of a Bitch fish!

Really? Well help me land this Son of a Bitch!

Once in the boat, they marveled at the monster.

Father, that is the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen.

Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?

Why eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as that Son of a Bitch!

Elated, the priest headed home to the church. While unloading his gear, and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

It's ok Sister. That's what kind of fish it is. A Son of a Bitch fish!

Oh, well then what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?

Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch.

The Sister informed the priest that the Pope was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

What are you doing Sister?

Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the Pope's dinner.

Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!

No, no, no. It's called a Son of a Bitch fish.

Really? Oh, well in that case I'll fix up a great meal and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.

On the night of the Pope's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal, there was wine, and the fish was excellent.

The Pope said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught the Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

The Pope's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the sister.

The Pope sat silent in disbelief.

And the friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!"

The Pope looked at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face.

"You fuckers are alright!!"

__________________________________________________

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway
across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die.
They set up a make- shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue,
but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not
going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their
predicament in great depth.

Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die,
and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth -- to see a
woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to
take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now
that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind
taking off your clothes, too?"

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun
exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"

The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put
it in you, it creates a new life."

"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"
__________________________________________________

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there.

He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write, and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not fornicate or commit adultery!

One day, the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what has been going on!"

The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look over there to your fields. You see a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the black sheep, and I won't say anything about the white child."

_________________________________________________

Little Tommy (who was Jewish) was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, even special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her surprise little Tommy got an "A" in math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then", she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms??? WHAT WAS IT?"

Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.!!!
"It's just skydiving..additional drama is not required"
Some people dream about flying, I live my dream
SKYMONKEY PUBLISHING

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LouDiamond    1

LouDiamond
Canadian jokes


Proper spelling of Canada: C eh, N eh, D eh

Every nation in attendance at an international symposium on elephants had to deliver a report on the animals.

France's report: "The Love Life of an Elephant."

America saw the economic values in: "Raising Elephants for Fun and Profit."

Great Britain had their own unique view: "The Elephant and the British Empire."

The Canadian report was, of course, typically Canadian... "The Elephant: A Federal or Provincial Responsibility?"

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A Canadian tourist fell into a beer vat during a tour of the Labatt's Brewing Facility outside of Toronto. Plant officials estimate the tourist drank fifteen gallons of beer before he could be removed from the vat.

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In Canada we have two seasons -- six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.

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You Know You're Canadian When:


You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.


You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.


Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.


The local paper covers national and international headlines on two pages, but requires six pages for hockey.


The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.


You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars, and drink pop, not soda.


You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing u's from labor, honor, and color.


You know how to say free, prize and no sugar added in French thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.


You know what a toque is.


You've plugged a car in overnight.


You've defended your property from trespassers with a lacrosse stick because you don't own a gun.

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Q: How do you get the Canadian paparazzi off your front lawn?

A: You say "Please get off my front lawn."
"It's just skydiving..additional drama is not required"
Some people dream about flying, I live my dream
SKYMONKEY PUBLISHING

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SpeedRacer    1

SpeedRacer
How to annoy the person in the bathroom stall next to you..


1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"

6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Hummus. Reminds me of hummus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."

14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast.

15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".
Speed Racer
--------------------------------------------------

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