Aviation - Friday funnies

[metalslug 31]

I got this in my mail today.
I'd be interested to know which one's are real and which one's are probably 'urban legend'.
Perhaps the commercial pilots on these forums can suggest if some of these sound far-fetched.
====================================
Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear.
The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and
control towers around the world.


O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic
is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got
the Little Fokker in sight."

============================================================

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was
your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for take-off."

============================================================

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long
roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the
end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the
Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and
return to the airport."

============================================================

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority
landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two,
behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

============================================================

Taxiing down the Tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around
and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly,
was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,"
explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

============================================================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich
overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane,
in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."

============================================================

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the
way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far
end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report
from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off, roger;
and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

=========================================================

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the active runway ! while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,
rolled out,turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and
said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back
with a Real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing
like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

============================================================

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate
parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to
the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a
British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you
not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,
........and I didn't land."

============================================================

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air
flight departing for Ft.Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at
the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?!
I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta!
Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the
difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage
to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now
you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out!
You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect
progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you
to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!
You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell
terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.
Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his
microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

============================================================

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

============================================================

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long take-off queue:

"I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: ! "Last aircraft transmitting, identify
yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
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[jejejelle 0]

• Quote

[Peej 0]

Ha ha ha ha ha ha

Advertisio Rodriguez / Sky

[chuteless 1]

very funny stuff. I will have to notify a pilot friend.

Bill Cole D-41

[n2skdvn 0]

From our "Shorts Drivers get no respect" file:

The pilot of a twin on approach to Bakersfield's Meadows Field was on the same course parallel to a Shorts 360 landing on 30R and was conversing with the pilot of the 360.

360 pilot to the twin pilot: "How do you like our new airplane?"

Twin pilot: "It will look a lot better once you remove it from the shipping crate!"

----------------------------------

A Delta Air Lines jet was traversing Arizona on a clear day. The copilot was bombarding passengers with remarks about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right side of our cabin, you can see Meteor Crater. A major tourist attraction in northern Arizona, it was formed when a lump of nickel and iron weighing 300,000 tons, 150 feet across, struck the earth at 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim: "Wow! It just missed
the highway!"

-----------------------------------------

Recently overheard on Fargo (N.D.) Approach Control frequency:

"Cessna One Alpha Bravo, you have unidentified traffic at 2 o'clock,
three miles, altitude unknown, over the railroad tracks. Very slow
moving primary target, might be a helicopter."

(Long pause.)

"Might be a train."

if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
my site

[speedy 0]

I heard this one myself over the i-com at my DZ.

Tower to Aircraft: Can you give me your current position?
Aircraft: Just behind the highway over a forest.

The airport is surrounded by loads of highways and forests

Dave

Fallschirmsport Marl

[Ron 7]

Flying to Nashville:

7HJ: Nashville Approach, this is Beech 7HJ 10 miles out for Nashville.

Nash: Barron 7HJ, desend and maintain 3000 feet.

7HJ: Roger Little Rock, Beech 7HJ decending and maintaining 3000 feet.

Nash: Barron 7HJ, this is NASHVILLE, Not Little Rock.

7HJ: Well Nashville you started it. Im in a BEECH not a Barron...You start calling me by name, and I'll start calling you by yours!

I was a student pilot and just started soloing the C172. It has duel coms, and quite frankly while knew how to work them...It was not natural.

Me: Charles Baker traffic, this is Cessna 3487J taking the active 36 for departure.

Memphis Tower: Last calling Aircraft, this is Memphis Tower say call sign and intentions again.

Me: Nope, sorry wrong airport gotta go.

Aother story.

My dad was a pilot as well. so when I was able to take him up it was a BIG deal to me. Well as luck would have it we had a great flight and as we came down to land I bumped up the RPM's about 300 to try and grease the landing like my instructor had told me...It worked great, the smoothest landing I have ever been in. I had to look at the tires and see them rolling to know I had touched down...I mean it was SMOOTH.

My Dad looked down and was checking the tires just like I was.

I was beaming with pride for doing such a great job.

Dad: Wow that was a nice landing!
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Dad: I bet you are as surprized as I am...

"No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms." -- Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Jefferson Papers, 334

[TimHurford 0]

Oldie

Little old lady getting help to disembark a commerical airline after a particularly hard landing. Pilot emerges from cockpit - little old lady asks pilot "did we land or were we shot down?"

[n2skdvn 0]

some more

C-150: Tower this is N-1234 can you give us a ground speed please?
Tower: Roger N-1234 we show you at 110 knots
Mooney: (Showing off a bit) tower this is N-5678 can you give US a ground speed please?
Tower: Roger that N-5678 we show you at 201 knots
F-18: (Showing off a lot and said with a Texas drawl). Heh Heh.. tower how about XXXX, can you give US a ground speed please?
Tower: Roger XXXX we show you at 580 knots.
... then in a distant crackly voice,
"Tower, we'd like a ground speed too please..."
Tower: Ummmm ahhh .... must be something wrong with our equipment here, I show you at 1500 knots sir.
"No sir, this is a SR-71. Thank you for the reading."

--------------------------------------------------------

Another student, a not too bright woman, was coming in for a landing. The radio in the FBO was set to the ground freq. It seems that she landed on the taxi way.
The ground controller told her, "please call 555-9876 after you park the plane".
She answered, "No thank you sir, I'm already married."

---------------------------------------------------------

Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the runway!"
Pilot Trainee: "Roger" (pilot continues approach)
Tower: "Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!"!
Pilot Trainee: "Roger"
The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a
twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and
continues to the taxiway

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if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
my site

[happythoughts 0]

Quote

Skydiving and scubadiving are kind of alike if you run out of air your screwed!!

I was looking at you sig line. The major difference between skydiving and scuba is that, in scuba, if you run out of air, you can go back up and get more.

[skipro101 0]

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long take-off queue:

"I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: ! "Last aircraft transmitting, identify
yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"




haha that was the best one!

[markd_nscr986 0]

Thanks.....just what I needed today

Marc SCR 6046 SCS 3004

[diverdriver 5]

Quote

Taxiing down the Tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around
and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly,
was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,"
explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

============================================================

I actually had this happen recently. I was the "new pilot".

[diablopilot 2]

The 33 Greatest Lies in Aviation..

1. I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.

2. Me? I've never busted minimum’s.

3. We will be on time, maybe even early.

4. Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.

5. I have no interest in flying for the airlines.

6. I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.

7. All that turbulence spoiled my landing.

8. I'm a member of the mile high club.

9. I only need glasses for reading.

10. I broke out right at minimum’s.

11. The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.

12. Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.

13. If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.

14. I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours in a Lear.

15. We shipped the part yesterday.

16. I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.

17. All you have to do is follow the book.

18. This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.

19. We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.

20. Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.

21. I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.

22. No need to look that up, I've got it all memorised.

23. Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?

24. We'll be home by lunchtime.

25. Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.

26. I'm always glad to see the FAA.

27. We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.

28. It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?

29. I thought YOU took care of that.

30. I've got the field in sight.

31. I've got the traffic in sight.

32. Of course I know where we are.

33. I'm SURE the gear was down.

----------------------------------------------
You're not as good as you think you are. Seriously.

[diverdriver 5]

34. Oh sure. We've got enough gas to make it all the way.

[calphoto 0]

Things were busy at the major airport and the tower was doing its best to sandwich as many planes as it could into the landing pattern. Airplanes were all on visual approaches, doing straight-ins and base turns to final.

Tower: "Delta 756, slow your approach speed so that the United can come inside you."

Delta 756: (A woman's voice) "Not without dinner and drinks he doesn't..."

Hartwood Paracenter - The closest DZ to DC!