The Bad Jokes thread

[Meathorse 0]

So there's 2 muffins sitting in the oven, see? One muffin turns to the other muffin and says "Holy fuck it's hot in here!" to which the other muffin responds "Holy fuck a talking muffin!"

[Beeron 0]

Greenies...please....lock this thing...I can't take anymore
LOL

B~

[DYEVOUT 0]

Scientists have spliced the genetic material of a donkey, with that of an onion.

The result is a piece of ass that will bring tears to your eyes.

----------------=8^)----------------------
"I think that was the wrong tennis court."

[CrazyIvan 0]

Quote

Scientists have spliced the genetic material of a donkey, with that of an onion.

The result is a piece of ass that will bring tears to your eyes.

and they call it: WIFE

__________________________________________
Blue Skies and May the Force be with you.

[ScottishJohn 25]

Bill and Dale built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. One
day a shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across
the rink.

The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it.
Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side. "Look
at that," remarked Bill to Dale. "That guy is trying to pull the wool
over our ice!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you think my attitude stinks you should smell my fingers

[DYEVOUT 0]

"That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"
-------------------------------------------

Ohh My God, THAT is bahhhhhd.

----------------=8^)----------------------
"I think that was the wrong tennis court."

[ScottishJohn 25]

>> I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull
>> a fast one".
>>
>> So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris".
>> He said "Eurostar?".
>> I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
>>
>> So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
>> He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
>>
>> So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check
>> tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
>>
>> He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
>> condiment".
>>
>> Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags.
>> He's bisatchel.
>>
>> But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
>> myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
>>
>> Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of
>> seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a
>>fire
>> at the factory that makes them.
>>
>> So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
>> Weggie Kray.
>>
>> So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
>> "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're
>> closest".
>>
>> You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
>> night before and shoot the fox.
>>
>> The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up,
>> I said "Do you get my drift?".
>>
>> So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
>> complaint,this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled
>> onions".
>>
>> So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a
>> red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".
>> I said "Waiter,
>> I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
>>
>> But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
>> competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
>>
>> Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it
>> will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
>>
>> So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your
>> carpets?".
>> I thought "That's all I need, a D'you-hoover's witness".
>>
>> You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
>> converter.
>>
>> So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a
>> nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
>>
>> Now did you know all male tennis players cast spells, for example
>> Goran,even he's a witch.
>>
>> So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
>> I said "Are you two an item?".
>>
>> So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
>> thought "That's a turtle disaster".


>Two fat blokes in a pub,
>one says to the other
>"your round." The
>other one says "so are you,
>you fat bastard"
>
>
>------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>Two cannibals eating a clown.
>One says to the other "Does this taste funny to
>you?"
>
>
>------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking
>battery acid, the
>other was eating fireworks.
>They charged one and let the other one off.
>
>
>------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide
>dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
>Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I
>help, sir?'
>'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
>
>------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of
>a library and
>go
>'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you
>do the same thing
>on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
>
>
>------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of
>your trouser legs
>and
>put it in a library.'
>I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
>
>
>------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and
>people were chucking money to him.
>I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said
>'Yes, this my livelihood.'
>
>
>------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my
>driving today. They
>left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking
>Fine.' So that was nice."
>
>
>------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> "So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want
>to buy an ice-cream'.
>He said Hundreds & thousands?'
>I said 'We'll start with one.'
>He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'
>I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom
>in these trousers, yes.'
>
>
>------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a
>tent.'
>He said 'To camp?',
>I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a
>tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.'
>He said 'Camper?' I said (campily) 'Make
>your mind up.'
>
>------------------------------------------------------------
>
>"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I
>picked it up, and said
>'Who's speaking please?'
>And a voice said 'You are.'"
>
>
>------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that
>the local swimming baths?'
>He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
>
>
>------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>
>"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
>And there are
> 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
> It's either my mum or my dad.
> Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother
>Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
>
>
>------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my
>boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
>And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been
>promoted again.'
>And I swerved again.
>He rang up a third time and said 'You're
>managing director.'And I went into a tree.
>And a policeman came up and said 'What
>happened to you?'
>And I said 'I careered off the road.'



> > Two soldiers are lost in the desert, and desparate for water. They see a
> > market in the distance, and stagger towards it. Eventually, they arrive,
> > and approach
> > the first stall.
> > "Please, let us have a sip of water," they beg.
> > "Sorry, I've just got jelly, blancmange and custard," replies the
> > stallholder.
> > This continues through the market: no water, just jelly, blancmange and
> > custard. Finally, the pair give up, and crawl on. One says to the other:
> > "Didn't you think that was a bit odd: a market selling nothing but
> jelly,
> > blancmange and custard?"
> > "Yes," replies the second. "It was a trifle bazaar."
> >
> > *****
> >
> > Some front line soldiers were hungry and out of food. One of them
> > remembered there was a bacon tree just over the hill so one of the
> > soldiers went to fetch some. He never came back so another soldier went
> > but he never came back. The first soldier decided to go and staggered
> back
> > half an hour later shot to pieces. He fell to the ground and with his
> last
> > breath said.....it wasn't a bacon tree...it was an ambush.
> >
> > *****
> >
> > There were two prawns, James and Christian, swimming along the bottom of
> > the ocean. James accidentally rubs up against an old lantern and
> whoosh,
> > a genie appears and grants James two wishes. After a moment's thought
> > James decides that he wants to become a shark so as to gain the respect
> of
> > all the creatures of the sea. Whoosh............. James becomes a shark
> > and swims off.
> >
> > Two weeks later James is upset. All of his old friends are now afraid
> of
> > him and his life is miserable. He decides to use his second wish, and
> he
> > wishes to be a prawn once again. Whoosh.... Now a prawn again, James
> swims
> > away to look for his mate Christian. When he arrives at Christian's
> house
> > he knocks on the door and shouts out for Christian.
> > "Go away", says Christian, "you're a shark and you'll just eat me".
> > "No I won't", shouts James, "I'm a prawn again Christian".
> >
> > *****
> >
> > A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
> > family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
> Spain;
> > they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to
> his
> > mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes
> > she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are
> twins
> > - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."



A guy gets shipwrecked.
When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is purple.
He can't believe it.
The sky is purple.
He walks around a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple birds and
purple fruit on the purple trees.
He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn purple
too........

"Oh no!" he says, "I've been marooned!"



Top Ten Times in history when using the "f" word was appropriate:

-----

1) "What the f**k was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima

2) "Where did all these f**king Indians come from?" - Custer

3) "Any f**king idiot could understand that." - Einstein

4) "It does SO f**king look like her!" - Picasso

6) "How the f**k did you work that out?" - Pythagoras

5) "You want WHAT on the f**king ceiling?" - Michaelangelo

4) "I don't suppose it's gonna f**king rain." - Joan of Arc

3) "Scattered f**king showers... my ass!" - Noah

2) "I need this parade like I need a f**king hole in my head!"
- J.F.K.

And the number one most appropriate reason to use the "f" word....

1) "Who the f**k is going to know?" - Bill Clinton




A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and
all I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company
paid for everything and I'm using some of the insurance money
for this trip."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here
because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a
flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked confused... "How do you start a flood?"


Bill and Dale built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. One
day a shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across
the rink.

The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it.
Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side. "Look
at that," remarked Bill to Dale. "That guy is trying to pull the wool
over our ice!"


An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are deeply
in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman
never achieves orgasm.

Since a Jewish wife demands sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi
for advice.

The rabbi listens to their story and makes the following suggestion. "Hire
a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the
young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both.
"Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans
you both with the towel. That will help the wife fantasise, and should
bring on a full-blown orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young
man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them
both as they make love.

But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated.

Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man
make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with
the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great
enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming,
creaming orgasm.

Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder
and says to him, triumphantly: "THAT'S how you wave a f*cking towel!"



> The Reverend John Flapps was the minister of a small congregation in a
> little Scottish town. One day he was walking down the Main Street when
> he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in
> the pub, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was very sinful and
> not something a female member of his congregation should be doing. He
> walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the
> woman. "Mrs.McGlumphie," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place
> for a female member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you
> home?" "Nae Bother" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When
> Mrs. Mc Glumphie stood up from the bar, she began to stagger backwards
> and forwards. The reverend realised that she had had too much to drink
> and he grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost
> their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few
> seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs.McGlumphie, her
> skirt hiked up to her waist. The barman looked over the bar and said,
> "Hey Jimmy, we don't allow that kind a' carrying oan in this pub!" The
> reverend looked up at the barman and said, "But you don't understand,
> I'm Pastor Flapps" The barman nodded and said, "Awe right then. If
> you're that far in, you might as well finish!!"

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when
the man felt a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about
whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party
official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph
whether it's officially raining or snowing".

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is
it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man
quietly replied:

"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear".

----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you think my attitude stinks you should smell my fingers

[Zenister 0]

Q:whats black and white and red all over?


A: The Amsel Adams print in Kurt Cobains garage.

----------------------------

Q: What was Jackson Pollacks last work of art?


A: His windsheild.

____________________________________
Those who fail to learn from the past are simply Doomed.

[CrazyIvan 0]

ZZzzzz.....ZZZZZZzzzzzzzz....ZZZZZzzzzz.... nice jokes ZZzzzz.z.......ZZZZzzzzz....

__________________________________________
Blue Skies and May the Force be with you.

[DYEVOUT 0]

There has been some pretty bad ones on here, but that Pastor Flapps one almost made me have an accident !

----------------=8^)----------------------
"I think that was the wrong tennis court."

[harro 0]

Here is a bad joke for ya.

What do you call someone with no toes ?

Milky..... because they LAC toes.
he he he he he !!!

Jumpy Jumpy??

[happythoughts 0]

SIGNS YOUR GRANDMA IS DEALING DRUGS

When she offers you a home-baked cookie, she says, "Go ahead, honey – the first one's free."

Not only is that cozy she's knitting shaped like a bong, it's black-light orange.

Threatens to pop a cap in your ass if you don't finish your vegetables.

Every teaspoon in her precious antique collection has scorch marks on the bottom.

Spends her days hangin' on the corner by the pay phone, sippin' on a 40 ounce Ensure.

Most grandmothers drive with their turn signals on, but not in a lime-green Lincoln Navigator with tinted windows, 24-karat gold trim and slammin' subwoofers.

Nana's got some serious bling-bling goin' on with those solid gold MedicAlert bracelets.

Last time she made brownies, you woke up three days later in the baboon enclosure at the San Diego Zoo.

The local cops are arresting everyone with lipstick on their cheeks.

[FallingILweenie 0]

did you know helen keller had a playhouse in her backyard?

neither did she.

[AggieDave 6]

Have you seen Ray Charles' new piano?

Neither has he...

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[SpeedRacer 1]

So this grasshopper walks into a bar.

And the bartender says, "Hey you know, we have a drink named after you!"

And the grasshopper says, "Why would anyone name a drink 'Bob'?"

Speed Racer
--------------------------------------------------

[indyz 1]

What's Helen Keller's favorite color?

Corduroy.

[AggieDave 6]

So this horse walks into a bar

The bartender looks up and says, "why the long face?"

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[FallingILweenie 0]

a sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says "you have to leave, we don't serve food here"

[AggieDave 6]

The Pope, a Rabbi, Bin Laden and a lawyer walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "good god, what is this a joke or something?"

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[FallingILweenie 0]

why did helen keller go nuts?
She tried to read a stucco wall.

[AggieDave 6]

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"

The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[FallingILweenie 0]

what do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese!

[AggieDave 6]

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

"Yeah, except today is the last night."

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[FallingMarc 0]

Tomas, ask me if I'm a tree.

[FallingILweenie 0]

No.