OMG - such drama..

[Nataly 38]

I've been debating about posting this, but hey.. Maybe someone else will see some humour to it..

So I've been seeing this guy. I've mentioned him before.. It's the motorcycle guy (who took me on the most awesomest first date *ever*).. We started seeing each-other in September. Then it kind of fell apart & I went on a couple of dates with other people. Then we got together, talked things through and ever since then we've basically been inseparable..

Here's where the drama sets in... He has his own business and his current contract ended just last week. He was offered a role in Amsterdam and he took it. He really wants us to keep seeing each other.. In theory, Amsterdam is only a cheap flight away - in practice, well, the long-distance thing doesn't really appeal...

But that's not even the worst thing.. He found out last month that his ex is pregnant. In fact, she's due in March..

And lastly, his poor mother is dying of cancer so he's been spending a lot of time with her lately.

On the one hand, he's intelligent, kind, fun and we really, really click. On the other hand, his life at the moment is one big mess and I have no way of knowing if it's just bad luck or if it's a pattern repeating itself..

*sigh*.. Not sure what to do on this one..

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[captain1976 0]

If you really like the guy, then it would seem advantageous to accept his issues. Sounds like only 2 obstacles and he certainly can't help if Mom is sick, and the pregnancy is just one of those things. Who knows, maybe the ex wanted things that way but it isn't the end of the world. Why not accept his situation(s) and see how things turn out. You are in the drivers seat here, He has to deal with this stuff and If they become a burden for you, just run.

You live more in the few minutes of skydiving than many people live in their lifetime

[Gawain 0]

Everything sounds like basic choice vs. willingness type stuff, choosing, if willing to put up with the distance yada yada.

What's the significance of his ex being pregnant unless he's the father...??

So I try and I scream and I beg and I sigh
Just to prove I'm alive, and it's alright
'Cause tonight there's a way I'll make light of my treacherous life
Make light!

[Nataly 38]

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If you really like the guy, then it would seem advantageous to accept his issues. Sounds like only 2 obstacles and he certainly can't help if Mom is sick, and the pregnancy is just one of those things. Who knows, maybe the ex wanted things that way but it isn't the end of the world. Why not accept his situation(s) and see how things turn out. You are in the drivers seat here, He has to deal with this stuff and If they become a burden for you, just run.

Yeah.. I mean, the way he is handling the ex and the mom is very respectable. I also appreciate his willingness to be flexible on the whole travel thing with regards his new job. He's a really decent guy and crucially he has been 100% upfront with me about everything, which I really appreciate.

Obviously, the fact that his mom is sick isn't anything I hold against him. Nor is the fact that the ex is preggers or even the fact that he's moving to a different country.. It's just that with all of this going on I kind of feel like "the other woman".. Plus he's pretty impulsive and I'm not - I over-think WAY too much. It might be a great mix, but not necessarily..

Dunno..


Edit to add: he is the father.

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[warpedskydiver 0]

Pull!

[cocheese 0]

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Pull!

And pull high, then go ahead and play. Practice your flat turns.

[shropshire 0]

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Pull!

Nope .. at least wait for the Break Off alarm and you set that at a place where you are comfortable.

It's not only good to talk but vitally important.


All the best Nataly

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[Andy9o8 0]

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He found out last month that his ex is pregnant.

Is he this guy? Small world.

http://www.dropzone.com/cgi-bin/forum/gforum.cgi?post=3760631;sb=post_latest_reply;so=ASC;forum_view=forum_view_collapsed;;page=unread#unread

[Nataly 38]

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Pull!

Nope .. at least wait for the Break Off alarm and you set that at a place where you are comfortable.

It's not only good to talk but vitally important.


All the best Nataly

Thanks mate.. As always, great advice

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[Nataly 38]

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He found out last month that his ex is pregnant.

Is he this guy? Small world.

http://www.dropzone.com/cgi-bin/forum/gforum.cgi?post=3760631;sb=post_latest_reply;so=ASC;forum_view=forum_view_collapsed;;page=unread#unread

Ah ha ha.. Nope.. It's what prompted me to post, though. This will be his first kid. He's pretty traumatised about the whole situation. He's older than me and wants kids, but he broke up with his ex (before he knew she was pregnant) because he didn't see a future with her. So it's upsetting him that this child is going to be born in a less than ideal environment.. He wants to do the right thing, but doesn't know what that is. It's really eating away at him..

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[DJL 232]

1 800 DNA TEST !!!

"I encourage all awesome dangerous behavior." - Jeffro Fincher

[Niki1 1]

First of all a disclaimer: I am not now nor have I ever been an expert in interpersonal relationships.

This guy seems like he's important to you. It's good that you can feel that way about some one.
How important are you to this guy? That would seem to be the question. I don't think that there is any "test" you could put him to that would be ethical. All you can do is evaluate his actions.

Is he going to use that "cheap air fare" to come see you as often as you will go see him? Is his mother on your side of the channal? Go see her and maybe cheer her up. There may be something you can do to help him with some of that load.

If the "Ex" is due in March, he was with her in July/August so that was before you met him. No harm, no foul there. But it seems that they broke up shortly thereafter. That strikes me as a bit "dodgy" if I'm using the term correctly.

How many of his friends have you met? How many of yours has he met?

All things in life should have a balance. But it's really difficult to judge the balance in these situations.
When you were looking for a motorcycle, maybe you saw one that you thought you wanted, But something inside your head said, "This may not be the perfect one for me." You listened to that little voice and wound up with one that fit you. At least you looked really happy in the pictute.

Thinking with your head or thinking with your heart. There are many advocate for either method with a lot of good arguments for their point of veww. I don't know which one is best and I don't know that there's a way to do both at the same time. There's a fine line between trust and gullibility.

Well, this went on a little too long and got a little too heavy. Go back and read the disclaimer at the beguinning of this post

Best of luck and walk through life with your head up and a smile on your face.

P.S.
How does he feel about you skydiving.

Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossilbe before they were done.
Louis D Brandeis

Where are we going and why are we in this basket?

[squirrel 0]

its only drama if you call it drama. some may just call this... "life."

________________________________
Where is Darwin when you need him?

[comslayer 0]

cutaway now while you still can.... i have been in a similiar situation and was not good...

[Misternatural 0]

and here I was trying to get you riled up again about *pin* size....


Dealing with ex's is always going to be a difficult and drama inducing experience unfortunately, Combine that with pregnancies, children, and sometimes STD's and you've got a dangerous mixture. Dating is a risky venture as people are unpredictable and sometimes do desperate things to hold on to one another.

The kid may not even be his

Most guys have been faced with the date/pregnancy trauma,we've all been through it- it's part of the love dance...even with protection. The human sex drive is so powerful it is made to over ride common sense, otherwise hardly anyone would be born.

You had nothing to do with this guys dilemma- however if you really like him just stick by until he chooses who to be with if in fact the pregnancy comes to term....he can still be a good father and be with you at the same time, he DOES NOT have to be this womans husband.....it's his choice.

You unfortunately have the decision of whether or not to complicate your life by having this ex constantly in it in some form. Best of luck, You're a smart woman I'm sure you can solve this puzzle.

Beware of the collateralizing and monetization of your desires.
D S #3.1415

[Nataly 38]

Ok... Some interesting points - thank you. (And I also agree with the next post - it's only "drama" if I call it "drama".. It's just that it's a lot to take in..)

I know that until he split up with his ex, he was flying out to see her every weekend, so he's more than prepared to do at least half of the travelling. As for how he feels about me.. Well, he's the one who is really insisting that we should keep seeing each other. Bear in mind this is the same guy who rode my motorcycle 4.5 hours to get it back to London for me on one of the coldest days of the year with only summer gloves on his hands because he really wanted me to get my dream motorcycle..

I'm just a bit torn. You're right to point out the timing of the pregnancy.. We met just a few weeks after he split with his ex - they were together for 2 years. At first I approached the relationship with caution because I worried on some level he was on the rebound.. But I have to say, I really admired the way he spoke about his ex. He was very complimentary about her, but said that for the last 6 or 8 months he realised that there were long-term problems and eventually he had to admit that it wasn't working out. I loved that he didn't have anything mean or bad to say about *her* - just characteristics about them together that weren't compatible.

Now we find out about the pregnancy thing and.. Well, I guess I feel a bit insecure about it. He's going to be linked to this other woman forever. A child is not a small thing.. It's not something that goes away or can/should be forgotten about. It's a big deal.

There you go.. One long rant deserves another!!

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[MarkM 0]

So, started in September, fell apart, then started back up recently.

You barely know this guy. Keep dating him, but leave yourself the "okay" for taking an exit if things just get too complicated or he turns out to be an ass. There are a lot of other guys out there which are also amazing which will also be totally into you.

And for Pete's sake, do not become his emotional cruch. This sounds like the beginnings of one of those relationships where the dude/girl uses the other woman/man for emotional support through a hard time, then splits when everything is great again.

[skyrider 0]

Why is the Ex being pregnant an Issue? Unless he is the father!

As for the rest, you if feel the need to ask others, I'd say cutaway, your heart obviously isn't in it!

[xtravrtsoul 0]

You know I went through some really shitty stuff when I got together with my now hubby. He stood by me through the thick and thin. It is a matter of willingness if you want to be with him. Him going away may be a good thing because you two are not attached at the hip and he can get the other parts of his life in order. It is hard having a long distance relationship and I give you kuddo's if you make it through that alone.

As for the impulsiveness, I am the impulsive one in the family and my hubby over thinks, researches and wanes on his decisions and it makes a great balance. It has taught me to be more attentive before I make quick or even hasty decisions and it has taught him to have a bit more spontaneous fun.

Do what feels right in your gut.

You create life, life does not create you.

[Nataly 38]

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P.S.
How does he feel about you skydiving.

He's into similar "adventurous" sports... It's cool because I "get" his love-affair with water (surfing/scuba-diving) and he "gets" my passion for the sky.. He's been a biker all his life and I started the process of getting my full motorcycle licence literally days before we met - it's been a dream of mine for years. We're quite like-minded, except that he has really *lived* his life, whereas I've spent years being WAY too sensible and am only now starting to do the things I've put off all this time.. I respect that he's had the gumption to go for it whereas I've held back too many times..

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[Nataly 38]

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So, started in September, fell apart, then started back up recently.

Yeah.. It started in Oct, really.. Spent practically every weekend together since then, and more recently we've see each other 4-5 days per week. He has a few emergency shirts/underwear at my place and even has a toothbrush here..

I feel like we're only *just* starting to know each other and now he's moving & there's the whole baby thing.. *sigh*..

But you're right about the emotional crutch thing.. I certainly don't want that to happen... Good point.

Maybe I should just get a dog. A dog might pee on the carpet and chew up my stuff but it will never break my heart!!

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[xbasejumperz 0]

Why people feel the need to air out all of their personal crap over the internet is something I will never understand. And those that seem to do it on a continuous basis make me wonder whether they have serious mental issues or are desperate for attention....or maybe both.

In an anonymous forum perhaps, but in a forum where you clearly identify yourself makes no sense to me whatsoever Also - when you involve someone else in your rant even if it is not by name is rude, selfish, insensitive and downright wrong.

And please dont give me that story about how we are a small community and we are friends and blah blah blah, this is the internet people and if you were halfway intelligent you would already know what damage can be done with information found posted on the internet.

[Nataly 38]

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Why people feel the need to air out all of their personal crap over the internet is something I will never understand. And those that seem to do it on a continuous basis make me wonder whether they have serious mental issues or are desperate for attention....or maybe both.

In an anonymous forum perhaps, but in a forum where you clearly identify yourself makes no sense to me whatsoever Also - when you involve someone else in your rant even if it is not by name is rude, selfish, insensitive and downright wrong.

And please dont give me that story about how we are a small community and we are friends and blah blah blah, this is the internet people and if you were halfway intelligent you would already know what damage can be done with information found posted on the internet.

Well, you're of course welcome to your opinion. I've aired out my "personal crap" on here before and found I got some very good food for thought. (Also got some crap mixed in there as well!!)

As for being rude, selfish, insensitive and downright wrong.. Well, I personally feel that if the person in question ever read my posts and found them offensive/upsetting, then yes, in that case I agree it would be everything you say. I don't think I've said anything that would have that effect, however.

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[xbasejumperz 0]

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As for being rude, selfish, insensitive and downright wrong.. Well, I personally feel that if the person in question ever read my posts and found them offensive/upsetting, then yes, in that case I agree it would be everything you say. I don't think I've said anything that would have that effect, however

You went into detail about very personal stuff about this guy. If I was a betting man me thinks he wouldnt like that stuff talked about on this website or any website.

[Nataly 38]

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As for being rude, selfish, insensitive and downright wrong.. Well, I personally feel that if the person in question ever read my posts and found them offensive/upsetting, then yes, in that case I agree it would be everything you say. I don't think I've said anything that would have that effect, however

You went into detail about very personal stuff about this guy. If I was a betting man me thinks he wouldnt like that stuff talked about on this website or any website.

That's your opinion.

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss