Friday Funny

[Divadiver 0]

Christmas with Louise
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the carpool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled on 'Lovable Louise". She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law, who was in on the plan, and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone. I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home and giggled
for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What in tarnation is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless.
"Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, slid up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my mother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

[chicagoskydiver 0]

That is too funny! Especially the part about grandpa flirting with her and giving her mouth to mouth!
Hackey

[RemiAndKaren 0]

ahhh duct tape....
Remi
Muff 914

[freeflir29 0]

If it's broke......Duck it.....if ya can't duck it....F*ck it.
Of course that saying brings on an entirely new connotation in this instance........Que hermana pinocha gratis?-Clay

[pack40 0]

One of my friend bought a doll for one of his classmate's birthday they were so drunk they SCREW IT UP in one night no duct tape could help.

[wmw999 2,148]

Difficult Questions
St. Peter was at the pearly gates, questioning people to see if they deserved to come to Heaven
He asked the guy from Maine “What is soft, but becomes hard in contact with a woman’s hand?”
The Mainer answered “Nail polish, St. Peter”
“Very good – you may enter”

He asked the Texan “Where is women’s hair the curliest?”
The Texan thought for a moment, and answered “In Africa”
“Very good – you may enter”

St. Peter asked the Oregoner “what does a woman have, that starts with B and ends with S, that men don’t stop thinking about?”
The Oregoner, still wearing his Birkenstocks, answered “Why, brains!”
“Excellent – you may enter the kingdom of Heaven”

Next was the Iowan: “What do women have in the middle of their legs?”
The Iowan knew that one: “Knees, St. Peter”
St. Peter said he could enter Heaven

The Alabaman’s question was: “What does a married woman have that’s bigger than a single woman’s?”
The answer came quickly: “Her bed, sir”
“Enter and join the others”

There were only two more people at the gate. First, St. Peter asked the Ohioan:
“What is warm, juicy, starts with P, and makes men happy?”
The answer came: “Prime rib, St. Peter”
“Excellent – please enter!”

St. Peter saw the New Jersey native sneaking out the door.
St. Peter asked him: Where are you going, son?
He said: "I got them all wrong; I figured I might as well go find Hell."

Wendy P.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[masterrig 1]

It was a fall morning and we were all gathered at Jake's ranch to work cattle. The sun wasn't anywhere's near up yet and the breakfast was the best. Jake's wife made the best biscuits anyone ever ate. One of the biggest reasons we helped work Jake's cattle.
Breakfast was finished and we were all sitting at the table drinking coffee and talking. Jake excused himself and went to the 'relief house'. They had a 3-holer! A little time passed and Jake re-appeared and grabbed a coat-hanger. He straightened it out leaving the hook end. That had my curiosity up so, I followed him outside. I asked Jake; "What are you fixin' to do?" He told me that his jacket fell into the middle hole and he was going to get it out. I said; "You're not going to wear that thing... are you?" He said; "No! I left a biscuit in the pocket!"


Chuck

[Niki1 1]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands'.
The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands'.
The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...

Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossilbe before they were done.
Louis D Brandeis

Where are we going and why are we in this basket?

[JerryBaumchen 1,065]

Hi Wendy,

Just when I was starting to think that you might an OK lady.

It is OREGONIAN!!!!

JerryBaumchen

[kkeenan 13]

Getting old in Florida

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs , doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'

The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'

The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'

The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'

**********************************************************

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft. Lauderdale reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece..

The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.

**********************************************************

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'

He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'

'So, where were you all these years?'

'In prison,' he says.

'Why did they put you in prison?'

He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'

'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single..?!'

**********************************************************

Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers , he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.

The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes. Yes, I will!'

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'

He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her..

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?'

He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'

**********************************************************

A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

**********************************************************

A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids

[happythoughts 0]

Quote

Hi Wendy,

Just when I was starting to think that you might an OK lady.

It is OREGONIAN!!!!

JerryBaumchen

Sure, like they are from Oregonia.

[ryoder 1,400]

Seen on Slashdot today:

George Bush:     "Condoleeza! Nice to see you. What's happening?"

Condoleeza Rice: "Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China."

George:     "Great. Lay it on me."

Condoleeza: "'Hu' is the new leader of China."

George:     "That's what I want to know."

Condoleeza: "That's what I'm telling you."

George:     "That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?"

Condoleeza: "Yes."

George:     "I mean the fellow's name."

Condoleeza: "Hu."

George:     "The guy in China."

Condoleeza: "Hu."

George:     "The new leader of China."

Condoleeza: "Hu."

George:     "The Chinaman!"

Condoleeza: "Hu is leading China."

George:     "Now whaddya' asking me for?"

Condoleeza: "I'm telling you Hu is leading China."

George:     "Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?"

Condoleeza: "That's the man's name."

George:     "That's whose name?"

Condoleeza: "Yes."

George:     "Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?"

Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."

George:     "Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East."

Condoleeza: "That's correct."

George:     "Then who is in China?"

Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."

George:     "Yassir is in China?"

Condoleeza: "No, sir."

George:     "Then who is?"

Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."

George:     "Yassir?"

Condoleeza: "No, sir."

George:     "Look, Condoleeza. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone."

Condoleeza: "Kofi?"

George:     "No, thanks."

Condoleeza: "You want Kofi?"

George:     "No."

Condoleeza: "You don't want Kofi."

George:     "No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N."

Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."

George:     "Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N."

Condoleeza: "Kofi?"

George:     "Milk! Will you please make the call?"

Condoleeza: "And call who?"

George:     "Who is the guy at the U.N?"

Condoleeza: "Hu is the guy in China."

George:     "Will you stay out of China?!"

Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."

George:     "And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N."

Condoleeza: "Kofi."

George:     "All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone."

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[JohnMitchell 14]