Two men, dildos & piss cops

[Slappie 9]

Drug Addiction is a Disease. It has to be. How else do you explain why people do so much stupid shit in order avoid authorities so they can keep doing them? They will go to any length not to get caught, which indicates to me that they must enjoy their freedom like the rest of us. But at the same time that they will go to almost any length to continue doing drugs, they don’t put in half of that effort in devising a plan to avoid getting caught. The only difference between a drug addict and a three year old in terms of planning is that the drug addict has more experience in life in general which affords him better tools to use in his fucked up ideas.
Case in point.
Donald C. Milligan Jr. knew he would go directly to jail, he would not pass go and he would not collect $200 if he tested positive for drugs during one of his court appointed random drug tests.
So looking at prison if he failed another urinalysis, Donald C. Milligan had very few options.
What were his options?
1) He could quit doing drugs. OK, you’re right that isn’t an option. Ok, let’s move on to number two.
2) He could keep doing drugs and go to prison where he could continue to do all the drugs he wanted.
“Been there, done that. Prison is for criminals. I just want to get high I don’t want to hurt anybody.”
3)Ok, then lastly I guess you could always masquerade a dildo as a penis and try to fool the police? He chose the third option.

Donald Milligan modified a dildo so that it would pass his friends piss instead of his own into the specimen cup and in theory this would fool the probation department technician, providing that his friends piss was clean of cocaine and opiates secure his freedom. Milligan connected the dildo to a glue bottle filled with his friend’s urine and went for it. He actually put makeup on the fake penis in an attempt to match his own skin color.It would have worked except for two things.One, he wasn’t relying on the officer that was with him being trained to observe the sights and sounds of pissing. That is what that fancy term "probation department technician" means…a piss officer.Yes, police actually train someone to be able to tell the difference between someone who is really pissing and someone who is faking it.And the second thing Milligan overlooked was that when the piss officer discovered what he was doing with the discolored plastic penis, which poorly matches his complexion, the officer ordered him to come up with a legitimate piss sample.Both Milligan and the piss he brought in from his friend in the hollowed dildo both tested positive for cocaine and opiates.Damn guy, if you are going to ask someone to provide you with piss to pass a drug test, why ask someone that you don’t smoke crack with.

Visiting Common Pleas Judge William E. Mahon sent Milligan to prison yesterday for a year for violating probation. "Anybody who would go through an elaborate scheme like this has to have something wrong with him," Mahon said as he sentenced Milligan according to the Cleveland Plain Dealer.I agree. Anyone who asks another drug addict to piss for him so he can beat a drug test must have something wrong with him.

I guess news of using fake dicks to pass urinalysis tests travels fast because the next day Micah Sheehan, 37, of San Antonio like Donald Milligan also tried to use a fake penis to pass a urine drug test. Sheehan a known heroin addict on probation for burglary would also be returned back into prison if he failed any of the mandatory twice weekly urine tests.Also like Milligan, first the piss officer noticed that the bleached-pink fake penis was a different color than Sheehan's skin.Oops.

"There were too many telltale signs," Garcia the piss officer said. "He had this 8-inch penis in his hand squeezing urine out of it. He fumbled with it, and it fell out of his shorts, and he caught it before it hit the ground."The urine, which was not Sheehan's, was actually cold because he had kept in a refrigerator. A probation department technician who was watching Sheehan provide the urine sample realized something was wrong because the urine was discharging from all different angles like water shooting from a sprinkler.Sheehan, who likely now will be sent to prison to serve his 10-year burglary sentence, was four months away from finishing his probation.

"Find out just what any people will quietly submit to and you have found out the exact measure of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them."

[kinney29 0]

They should read up on it a little more and injected clean urine directly into their bladder. Like in "THE PROGRAM" or at least boght one of those products out of "High Times"

ADAPT OR DIE

[wmw999 2,146]

There were too many telltale signs," Garcia the piss officer said. "He had this 8-inch penis in his hand squeezing urine out of it. He fumbled with it, and it fell out of his shorts, and he caught it before it hit the ground."
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ROFL!
I guess there isn't too much of a market for dildos that look like limp 3" penises, huh. Maybe we should go into the business...
Wendy W.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[jfields 0]

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3" penises, huh. Maybe we should go into the business...

Be nice. If that is all Slappie can manage, he shouldn't feel ashamed.

[Slappie 9]

How did I get dragged into this. I was just posting a stroy I read about some "Darwin Award" wannabes..

sheeeesh

"Find out just what any people will quietly submit to and you have found out the exact measure of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them."

[jfields 0]

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I was just posting

That is how you got dragged into this. Just kidding, man!

[Slappie 9]

"Find out just what any people will quietly submit to and you have found out the exact measure of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them."

[Slappie 9]

An elderly couple in Munich Germany were found dead in their apartment the other day. Apparently, the elderly woman started having a painful heart attack and was gripping her chest, her husband, also older than Jesus, saw this and tried the best he could to come to her aid, however, he was confined to a wheel chair. So as he was trying his best to maneuver around the furniture in the apartment to get to his wife he tipped his chair over, broke his neck and died right in front of her.

Upon seeing her husband fall over and break his neck, this pushed the old lady over the edge, with no reason to live and she gave in to the heart attack, fell straight to the floor and died. Well she should have not been so self-centered on that point of not having anything to live for because they had a pet dog. So now we have two dead people in the living room a few feet from one another, which sadly leaves no one to take care of Yorkshire terrier and it eventually died of starvation.

Old people apparently have a history of having it bad in Germany.
A Hamburg man was found sitting in front of his television with it on. He had been dead for five years. If any place need to start a “Login’s Run” elderly program it would be Germany. Being old in Germany must be a bitch.

"Find out just what any people will quietly submit to and you have found out the exact measure of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them."

[geanky 0]

Poor dog, it wasn't his time yet.

learn to fly in 3d

[moodyskydiver 0]

What a bunch of friggin' idiots!

"...just an earthbound misfit, I."

[Slappie 9]

Gay men in India cut their balls off and live in groups to gain more mobility in society. Although ostracized by Indian society, they are also revered and given greater freedom than most Indians experience. They make a living as bandits, scaring the shit out of people, kicking in apartment doors and demanding money. The people of India say that Eunuchs have special powers and when they demand money, cannot be refused. I say people are just scared to death of any man with balls enough to cut his own balls off. If the Eunuchs don’t get paid, they threaten to curse the family and the child with whatever strand of stupidity drove them to castrate themselves. Needless to say, the checks they get never bounce.

One of these modern day Eunuchs we interviewed claimed that he befriended a bunch of these “Eunuchs” then they held him down one night and cut his balls off. Afterwards, he willingly joined their little group, after his wife and kids left him, (I guess they didn’t believe that line of shit either) and now he also terrorizes people at childbirths and weddings, dancing, and chanting and waving his seedless nut sack around for all to see. Our correspondent in India reports to us that in the west, these men, most of whom are obvious flamers, would be stereotyped as homosexual; however, in India they are thought to be something else entirely.

I might be going out on a limb here but they are most likely pushed into re-categorizing them because even the most openly gay man in the west would have a hard time coming to grips with parting with his own balls. Once again, we at the zoo promote the tolerance and understanding of the homosexual for no amount of societal prejudice should drive a man to cut his own balls off for social mobility.

"Find out just what any people will quietly submit to and you have found out the exact measure of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them."

[geanky 0]

I think you would loose mobility without your balls....at least while you heal.


That sounds like it hurts.

learn to fly in 3d

[Slappie 9]

Dude! There are some seriously nutzo folks out there!

"Find out just what any people will quietly submit to and you have found out the exact measure of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them."

[Spy38W 0]

So, I guess Pop had trouble with his test?

--
Hook high, flare on time

[geanky 0]

Tell me about it....about 2 months ago I heard on the news about a guy that went to get castrated at some weird doctor's house that had learned to perform castration on dogs in Thailand. What's up with that? Fucked up people.

learn to fly in 3d

[Slappie 9]

A man won a lawsuit today against his former employer, a alcoholic Brewer, Brahma Brewer, when he claimed that working at the company had turned him into an alcoholic, therefore being terminated by the company for being a lush was not his fault and he should be compensated. He argued that his job responsibilities at the company in the quality assurance department required him to drink 3.2 gallons of beer a day, 40 hours a week for 20 years. He was awarded about $30,000 in damages and a monthly pension for life equal to his old salary of about $2,600.

``Brahma brewing company will have to compensate its senior brewer ... for inability to work due to alcoholism acquired during his 20 years of work in which he had to conduct beer quality tests,'' a court in Brasilia said in its ruling, posted on its Web site.

The court, which upheld an earlier decision by a lower court, said Brahma's main crimes were failing to warn him of the risks associated with his profession and failing to conduct medical tests.

"Find out just what any people will quietly submit to and you have found out the exact measure of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them."

[AggieDave 6]

My German prof worked for them when he was my age, he said that they gave their employees something like 2 cases of beer a week for free if they wanted them.

I need a job like that...

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[freeflir29 0]

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2 cases of beer a week for free if they wanted them.

Student status would have been SOOOOO much cheaper.

[FliegendeWolf 0]

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Tell me about it....about 2 months ago I heard on the news about a guy that went to get castrated at some weird doctor's house that had learned to perform castration on dogs in Thailand. What's up with that?

That reminds me. Recently, my girlfriend stumbled across an ad in the newspaper for castration services. I couldn't figure the damn thing out. It said something like:

Quote

Castration by Dr. So and So
No Apple Pie
No Kitchen Tables.

Anybody know wtf that's supposed to mean?

A One that Isn't Cold is Scarcely a One at All

[billvon 2,426]

>I need a job like that...

Lang Brewery in Montana. They had a notice on the bulletin board last time I was up there, along the lines of "please keep it to one case a week; ask John if you have a special occasion and you need more than that."