skygod7777 0 #26 November 8, 2003 damn, i was reading a couple of these, and you guys are mean. i mean, really, it's not that bad. you can't tell me you didn't do all the same stuff when you where a kid?? and your parents may of done all this to you, but man, you don't have to be like them do ya. later Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Deuce 1 #27 November 8, 2003 Skye, that circle of friends may well ruin her life. Find out who she is cutting school with and going to the snow with. That's the problem. She has a posse and she may be the only one with wheels so the rest are all telling her it's OK, and then how cool she is to chauffer them around. That includes rides to score dope. If she'll cut school to take the kids to the snow, that same peer pressure will justify her driving them to less innocent pursuits. An odd thing about California law and minors: she can't enter into contracts, but she is responsible for everything that is in her car. When she gets pulled over next time and the kids in the back put their weed into the seat cushions, it's her dope. If they pool their money to get more than an ounce and they haven't split it up yet, its possession with intent to distribute. Same thing with lesser consequences when they find the open bottle of whatever in the car. It may be time to put her in school where you live now. I hate to say it, but I think she's going to lose that provisional license anyhow for that many violations in such a short time. She gets it back when she's 21 if that's the case. I think you ought to consider putting her in school where you guys are now, and taking the car. If she really wants to be independent, have her take the GED and start going to class right there at DVC. Sorry, hon, no easy way out. Get very badass right now. It's not just till she's 18. Children are forever. JP Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
AggieDave 6 #28 November 8, 2003 I got a car when I was 15. A 1973 SuperBeetle, with bad brakes, an engine in need of *serious* work, a transmission that sort of worked, suspension that was sagged out and quite a bit of rust. By the time I was 16 I had rebuilt the engine, I had rebuilt the brakes, the suspension, put a new tranny in and squared away the rust. The moral of the story was I treated my car nicely. Also, if I got a ticket, my folks wouldn't pay for my insurance. So, I had a car that I had a lot of time and love in that I tried to treat well (if I didn't, I fixed what I broke). I had to have it to drive to school and work, so I really didn't have time to fix stuff all the time (nor the money). Moral of the story, make kids be responsible or have nothing and they'll either figure it out and become responsible OR they'll do with out. If I was your daughter, I would have been doing without a long time ago.--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Casch 0 #29 November 8, 2003 I'm still a youngin' at 18 but No I have never done anything like rip off my dad on my car payments. I made all my payments in full on time. While my home responsibilities are lacking, that has always been the case. I've tried to be better at doing chores and it just doesn't work. That's about the worst of it. I have had 1 speeding ticket that would have been nulled if I had had time to go to court in the next state over where it was made. I feel that unless bad behavior is somewhat corrected early, that mindset will stick with the person for a long time Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
moodyskydiver 0 #30 November 8, 2003 My parents would have kicked my ass if I had pulled these stunts at 16! I don't have kids, but I know what my parents would have done.Yank my keys and park the car.Just out of curiosity, how did she get to school before she got her license? Is there not a bus route she could take?If all else fails,make her find a friend to pick her up and give the friend gas $ (which she will have since her car is parked).If you won't take the car away, restrict her driving more as in she can only take the car to drive to/from school and to/from work. I don't know how your schools work, but my old high school started an automated system that would automatically call the parents every time the child missed a class so they know their kid was truent. Maybe call your daughter's school and ask them to flag her record and call you anytime she misses a class.If she isn't in class and you know she isn't sick,yank the keys.If her grades don't pull up,yank the keys.As for the snowboard incident,I'd take that as "payment" for the car since she thought that was more important (let her ride the snowboard to school if it seems more important to her than the car). As for the tickets, I wouldn't tolerate that either. I'm 21 and I have 2 speeding tickets on my record and those didn't occur until late last year..Both times the $ came out of my own pocket.In TX if you get more than X number of tickets within your first year of having you license you will have you license suspended...not to mention the insurance going up.Might check into your state laws about that too. Grounding only works if you stick to your guns.It sounds like she think she can walk all over you right now,so grounding might not work.Make it where she can go to school and work,nothing else.If her grades are bad she should be home studying,not partying or snowboarding.As crappy as it sounds and as much as I hated hearing it groing up, being hard on her really is because you care,not because you want to be mean.(OMG I've turned into my mom!) Ok sry..I'll remove myself from the soapbox now. Good luck! "...just an earthbound misfit, I." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
cruzit 0 #31 November 8, 2003 You know, the hardest thing to do is to say "NO" and mean it. All of my kids have paid for their own vehicles. They know that if they miss one...yes that's right...one payment...I will sell the car. Driving is a privilege, not a right. If your daughter is cutting school, drop by the school unannounced a couple of times. If her grades have dropped, take away her phone, tv, and computer privileges until they improve. To be honest...for the most part you are not going to be your daughter's buddy for the next couple of years. It will come...but you must stand your ground. Teenagers need someone to set limits. Unfortunately, this will not make you a popular person. Hang in there...it'll get better. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hooked 0 #32 November 8, 2003 In my earlier post, I had asked if she had changed her circle of friends, that sometimes has a lot to do with these kind of problems. When my boys were teens, they earned their own money. We never bought them a car and when they did get a car (not always the best, but what they could afford), they also paid for their own insurance. I guess they always knew, we weren't going to pay for those things. It may have been hard for them, but appreciated their car more, since they bought it. Duece, your advice was very goodJ -------------------------------------- Sometimes we're just being Humans.....But we're always Human Beings. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
flyangel2 2 #33 November 8, 2003 Quotedamn, i was reading a couple of these, and you guys are mean. i mean, really, it's not that bad. you can't tell me you didn't do all the same stuff when you where a kid?? and your parents may of done all this to you, but man, you don't have to be like them do ya. later No! Never! I didn't do that stuff when I was a kid. I made all my payments to my parents for my car. I was scared to get a ticket, so I never got one Can I ask, do you have any kids? If so, would you let them get away with that kind of stuff? It starts out small and can grow.May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds. - Edward Abbey Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
yardhippie 0 #34 November 8, 2003 I spose Im the brown grass or the orange sky (you economists will know what im saying) cuz I have paid for every vehicle I have ever owned. I bought my first duplex at 23 and currenly own 2 houses at 27. yes my parents helped me out along the way, but I did everything im my power to make them disown me. Why? hell I dunno. I was a wild child, If I was told not to do it, I did it. I had done things by 17 that most people never do. I wish that I could go back and correct the bad mistakes, and choices I made to make my parents life eaisier, especially now that Im looking at procreating. All I can say is, that they do grow up, eventually, tough love is good, but soft love is what usually gets through.Goddam dirty hippies piss me off! ~GFD "What do I get for closing your rig?" ~ me "Anything you want." ~ female skydiver Mohoso Rodriguez #865 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
harryskydives 0 #35 November 8, 2003 Yeah my dad sold my SS396 when i was a kid. Some crap about tickets and missing school. But he was kind enough to drop me off at the bus stop, on his way to work, in the mornings. So i saved my money and bought a corvett and became a skydiver. Don't run out of altitude and experience at the same time... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skygod7777 0 #36 November 8, 2003 QuoteCan I ask, do you have any kids? If so, would you let them get away with that kind of stuff? me, kids, hell no. hell, i don't even turn 16 until the 17 of this month. later Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skygod7777 0 #37 November 8, 2003 QuoteI'm still a youngin' at 18 but No I have never done anything like rip off my dad on my car payments. I made all my payments in full on time. see, my dad won't let me do that. i get to buy my own car upfront, and pay for my insureance. no help either. it's not too bad, i know i'll treat it better since i have to pay for it, but it still sucks that i can't get any help with it. oh well later Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
flyangel2 2 #38 November 8, 2003 QuoteQuoteCan I ask, do you have any kids? If so, would you let them get away with that kind of stuff? me, kids, hell no. hell, i don't even turn 16 until the 17 of this month.Quote Come back after you've had kids and give your opinion.May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds. - Edward Abbey Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites usedtajump 1 #39 November 8, 2003 I never had kids, never wanted kids and had a vascetomy just to make sure. Thank ya Jesus, oh, thank ya Jesus.The older I get the less I care who I piss off. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites skymama 35 #40 November 8, 2003 I had my own problems with my daughter this week when she blew her community service opportunity because of her smart mouth. Her grades have also dropped this year because of pure laziness. My dad said it is time for her to live with the consequences of her actions. The same is true for your daughter, Skye. For example, for my daughter, he suggested that I explain to her what her options are after graduation: 1. She can choose not to go to college, but she better have a full time job lined up to start the day after graduation. 2. She can earn a scholarship to college and we will help her pay for other expenses. 3. She can continue to be lazy and not have the grades and community service hours to go to college. If this is the case, she will start a part time job as soon as she's old enough to get a job. All of her checks will be deposited by me into the bank into her college fund. She won't get a penny of it. Tough? Yeah...welcome to the real world, baby girl. So, for your daughter, I think you need to show her the consequences of her actions also. 1. Take away the car. Three tickets in three months is insane. She's not responsible enough to drive. You can continue to make payments on it to save your credit, and she can earn the right to drive it when she shows improvement. In the meantime, it sits in the driveway. 2. Sell the snowboard as soon as possible. She knew her responsibility was to make the car payment, she chose not to do it because she knew you would anyway. 3. Ground her from whatever else she holds dear (tv, the computer, the phone) for cutting school. Tell her that if she does it again, that you will go follow her around school for a week and sit next to her in class to make sure she goes. I threaten my kids with this and they know I'm crazy enough to do it. 4. If you are hoping college is in her future, tell her the same thing I told mine about scholarships and grades. In my daughter's high school, we can get a progress report every week. My daughter now has to bring one home to us until her grades improve. She hates it, too bad. She can stop doing it when her grades improve. We also told her she has to have a minimum GPA of a 3.2 in order to even have driving privledges. Driving is NOT a right for a 16 year old! I know it will be a huge inconvenience for you all to drive her back and forth to school. But, as it has been mentioned before, you either need to have her change schools, or go through the pain of changing your schedules. You have to do this. She cannot keep this car, or I think things are going to get much worse. She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man, because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites yardhippie 0 #41 November 8, 2003 I have to say that would never work. There are those who might see the light, but most would find alternatives to being under your 'thumb'. Its not that you dont have their best interests in mind, they just dont see that, and you can force them to see their best intrests. you have to find a way for them to "find" them. I know it sound like a lot of BS but my parents tried the "this is the way its gonna be" line and I gave them the finger and did my own thing. and it took us near a decade to reconcile. hell im 27 and my dad still tries to tell me whats best. I never listen, even if hes right. its not about right, its about finding a way to let them see that your way is the better, easier way. If you force it on them, they will find an outlet to rebel.Goddam dirty hippies piss me off! ~GFD "What do I get for closing your rig?" ~ me "Anything you want." ~ female skydiver Mohoso Rodriguez #865 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites skygod7777 0 #42 November 8, 2003 QuoteDriving is NOT a right for a 16 year old! ya it is later Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites skymama 35 #43 November 8, 2003 Which part isn't going to work? I'm giving my daughter her choices in life after graduation. She can choose to go to college, or not. She can choose to work hard to get a scholarship, or not. It's up to her, it's totally her decision. But, she is most definitely NOT going to get a free ride from us after high school if she's not going to put in any effort. This is the way it is in the real world. You deal with the consequences of your actions. What part of it is being under my thumb?She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man, because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites yardhippie 0 #44 November 8, 2003 QuoteWhich part isn't going to work? I'm giving my daughter her choices in life after graduation. She can choose to go to college, or not. She can choose to work hard to get a scholarship, or not. It's up to her, it's totally her decision. But, she is most definitely NOT going to get a free ride from us after high school if she's not going to put in any effort. This is the way it is in the real world. You deal with the consequences of your actions. What part of it is being under my thumb? Im goint off memory here, but I found my ways to skirt the "rules" of the house. yea i got options too. hell I had a full scholarship. and I pissed it all away. I was sooo busy doing the things that my parents said I couldnt do, I wasted years. Yea the were supportive, but when I told em I was quitting college I was told to pay rent, and I moved away about a month later. I agree, free ride is out. But ya gotta find a way to keep them on the path, with out "giving" them the options. and see these are the things that scare the shit out of me now that Im looking at adding to my family. I know I dont want to be the parents that I had, but I did turn out allright. Im planning a family, and already trying to deal w/ issues that wont come for years, but to me, those are the issues that I remember most from my "growing" years.Goddam dirty hippies piss me off! ~GFD "What do I get for closing your rig?" ~ me "Anything you want." ~ female skydiver Mohoso Rodriguez #865 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Muenkel 0 #45 November 8, 2003 I haven't read everyone's response here, so forgive me if I duplicate some advice. Have you ever heard of tough love? Make a list of things she MUST change in her life. Make her sign it. Take away the things that mean the most to her. As she accomplishes the things on the checklist then you can begin to give back to her what you took away. Be prepared for arguments, but don't back down. If she wanted to take poison, would you do whatever was in your power to stop her, no matter the fight she would put up? Good luck and good vibes, Chris _________________________________________ Chris Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites AndyMan 7 #46 November 8, 2003 I think back to when I was 16, and wow - if I had free reign over my life the way your daughter does now, well - I don't think I would've made it through high school, never mind college. Freedom and responsibility are things that teenagers earn gradually over time... It seems like you've just swung the gate open on day one without doing incremental steps. Your daughter needs to demonstrate small bits of responsability before you give her big ones. Her own car is a HUGE one. I didn't have my own car until I was 19, and I bought it myself. My parents were pretty affluent, too. They could've easily bought me a car when I was 16, but they knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. _Am__ You put the fun in "funnel" - craichead. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites pleifer 0 #47 November 8, 2003 I got 3 speeding tickets with a year of getting my truck, as far as the school goes. I was the same way, I'm 23 now love my parents dearly, and am a junior in college. with a gpa of about 3.2. everybody grows up, i wish I could go back to hs and smack the shit out of myself. Smartest thing my folks did was tell me that if I was ever in a bad situation and was unable to drive that I should call them day or night, I did once and rather than lectures and punishment I got a "glad you did not drive" and they left the lesson to be learned on my own. I wish I could take my crystal ball to show you 10 years in the future for the big picture. l _________________________________________ The Angel of Duh has spoke Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Nightingale 0 #48 November 8, 2003 My parents car rules for me: 1. I was NOT allowed to have my own car until I went away to college. Use of my parents' cars was a priveledge and not a right, because they didn't belong to me. I could use the car if it was convenient for them. 2. If I got a ticket, I had to pay for the ticket, pay for traffic school, and lost car priveledges for a month. Any additional tickets, I'd have to pay out of pocket for the increase in my insurance rates. Same for accidents that I was at fault. 3. If friends, parents, or neighbors observed me using the car in an irresponsible manner, I lost car priveledges for a month. 4. As long as I kept my grades up at a 3.0 and above to receive the good student discount, I did not have to pay for my own car insurance (unless I did something to cause an increase in that insurance, in which case I had to pay the difference between the old rate and the new). 5. If I did anything to show I was abusing car priveledges (such as cutting school and DRIVING somewhere else) no car for a month. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Honestly, it sounds like she has a little too much financial responsibilities for a kid. Kids need to have fun money too... how much is her car payment/insurance compared to what she's making at work? there can't be a lot left over unless she's working WAY too many hours. However, she needs to drive the car responsibly if she is going to drive at all... there's an interesting video called "Red Asphalt" that you could probably get ahold of...shows what happens to folks who don't drive responsibly. Made an impression on me when I was 16...to this day, no at fault accidents (couple of morons have rear ended me at red lights, tho), one speeding ticket (for doing 30 in a 25!) and one citation for an obstructed windshield (hung my graduation tassel from the rear view mirror...cop was being a prick. I fought it...my defense was "this is a stupid ticket!" the judge agreed and waived the fine) and that's it...pretty good driving record for someone who's been driving for 8 years now... Take away the car for a month. She can get to school the same way she got to school before she got her license. If she can't drive, that should solve some of the cutting class problems. Also, if you haven't done so, call her school and report her truancies. They have unpleasant things such as saturday detention to deal with such issues. Make them aware that they are not to accept written notes from her without speaking to you first. My mom is a teacher and she's got a student with such a truancy (and forgery) problem that the office will only accept parent notes which are faxed from his mom's office! Schools WILL work with you to fix this, because if a child isn't in class, the school loses funding. Take her on visits to a couple of colleges...let her see how the students live and the freedoms they have. then you can tell her "if you want this kind of freedom, you need to earn it. you earn it through good grades and responsible behavior" If her friends are encouraging her to cut class...perhaps a change in schools is in order. If it hasn't gotten that far, it makes for a good threat. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites taln1rigr 0 #49 November 8, 2003 Wow, I've skimmed through some of the replies & I'd have to say there's some excellent advice being circculated. Not sure if anyone's touched on it yet since I didn't read every post ... but what ever happened to riding the bus to & from school? Certainly you can drive her to the nearest bus stop if it's way far away or she can walk to it if it's within a decent walking distance. There are many options available to you ... you're the parent, you still hold the upper hand. And while you can validate why she should have a car & a job & freedoms ... it's obvious she's not able to handle ALL of this in one whack. Think about it, she's breaking more than just your rules ... she's testing the rules of the road as well as the school system's rules. Everything you do from this point will seem heartless ... undoubtedly, you'll have the hardest part ... & it's gonna get worse before it gets better ... but what you need to do is often referred to as "TOUGH LOVE" & I'm living proof that it doesn't kill ya. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites skyesspot 0 #50 November 8, 2003 First I would like to thank all of you for your advice. She is home now (for a long time ) and once she and I calm down a little we will talk about what she did and why I now have to do somethings she is not going to like. Thank you all again. You made a tough situation easier to handle.Life is too short. Don't sweat the small stuff. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Prev 1 2 3 Next Page 2 of 3 Join the conversation You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account. Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible. 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usedtajump 1 #39 November 8, 2003 I never had kids, never wanted kids and had a vascetomy just to make sure. Thank ya Jesus, oh, thank ya Jesus.The older I get the less I care who I piss off. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skymama 35 #40 November 8, 2003 I had my own problems with my daughter this week when she blew her community service opportunity because of her smart mouth. Her grades have also dropped this year because of pure laziness. My dad said it is time for her to live with the consequences of her actions. The same is true for your daughter, Skye. For example, for my daughter, he suggested that I explain to her what her options are after graduation: 1. She can choose not to go to college, but she better have a full time job lined up to start the day after graduation. 2. She can earn a scholarship to college and we will help her pay for other expenses. 3. She can continue to be lazy and not have the grades and community service hours to go to college. If this is the case, she will start a part time job as soon as she's old enough to get a job. All of her checks will be deposited by me into the bank into her college fund. She won't get a penny of it. Tough? Yeah...welcome to the real world, baby girl. So, for your daughter, I think you need to show her the consequences of her actions also. 1. Take away the car. Three tickets in three months is insane. She's not responsible enough to drive. You can continue to make payments on it to save your credit, and she can earn the right to drive it when she shows improvement. In the meantime, it sits in the driveway. 2. Sell the snowboard as soon as possible. She knew her responsibility was to make the car payment, she chose not to do it because she knew you would anyway. 3. Ground her from whatever else she holds dear (tv, the computer, the phone) for cutting school. Tell her that if she does it again, that you will go follow her around school for a week and sit next to her in class to make sure she goes. I threaten my kids with this and they know I'm crazy enough to do it. 4. If you are hoping college is in her future, tell her the same thing I told mine about scholarships and grades. In my daughter's high school, we can get a progress report every week. My daughter now has to bring one home to us until her grades improve. She hates it, too bad. She can stop doing it when her grades improve. We also told her she has to have a minimum GPA of a 3.2 in order to even have driving privledges. Driving is NOT a right for a 16 year old! I know it will be a huge inconvenience for you all to drive her back and forth to school. But, as it has been mentioned before, you either need to have her change schools, or go through the pain of changing your schedules. You have to do this. She cannot keep this car, or I think things are going to get much worse. She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man, because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
yardhippie 0 #41 November 8, 2003 I have to say that would never work. There are those who might see the light, but most would find alternatives to being under your 'thumb'. Its not that you dont have their best interests in mind, they just dont see that, and you can force them to see their best intrests. you have to find a way for them to "find" them. I know it sound like a lot of BS but my parents tried the "this is the way its gonna be" line and I gave them the finger and did my own thing. and it took us near a decade to reconcile. hell im 27 and my dad still tries to tell me whats best. I never listen, even if hes right. its not about right, its about finding a way to let them see that your way is the better, easier way. If you force it on them, they will find an outlet to rebel.Goddam dirty hippies piss me off! ~GFD "What do I get for closing your rig?" ~ me "Anything you want." ~ female skydiver Mohoso Rodriguez #865 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skygod7777 0 #42 November 8, 2003 QuoteDriving is NOT a right for a 16 year old! ya it is later Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skymama 35 #43 November 8, 2003 Which part isn't going to work? I'm giving my daughter her choices in life after graduation. She can choose to go to college, or not. She can choose to work hard to get a scholarship, or not. It's up to her, it's totally her decision. But, she is most definitely NOT going to get a free ride from us after high school if she's not going to put in any effort. This is the way it is in the real world. You deal with the consequences of your actions. What part of it is being under my thumb?She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man, because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
yardhippie 0 #44 November 8, 2003 QuoteWhich part isn't going to work? I'm giving my daughter her choices in life after graduation. She can choose to go to college, or not. She can choose to work hard to get a scholarship, or not. It's up to her, it's totally her decision. But, she is most definitely NOT going to get a free ride from us after high school if she's not going to put in any effort. This is the way it is in the real world. You deal with the consequences of your actions. What part of it is being under my thumb? Im goint off memory here, but I found my ways to skirt the "rules" of the house. yea i got options too. hell I had a full scholarship. and I pissed it all away. I was sooo busy doing the things that my parents said I couldnt do, I wasted years. Yea the were supportive, but when I told em I was quitting college I was told to pay rent, and I moved away about a month later. I agree, free ride is out. But ya gotta find a way to keep them on the path, with out "giving" them the options. and see these are the things that scare the shit out of me now that Im looking at adding to my family. I know I dont want to be the parents that I had, but I did turn out allright. Im planning a family, and already trying to deal w/ issues that wont come for years, but to me, those are the issues that I remember most from my "growing" years.Goddam dirty hippies piss me off! ~GFD "What do I get for closing your rig?" ~ me "Anything you want." ~ female skydiver Mohoso Rodriguez #865 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Muenkel 0 #45 November 8, 2003 I haven't read everyone's response here, so forgive me if I duplicate some advice. Have you ever heard of tough love? Make a list of things she MUST change in her life. Make her sign it. Take away the things that mean the most to her. As she accomplishes the things on the checklist then you can begin to give back to her what you took away. Be prepared for arguments, but don't back down. If she wanted to take poison, would you do whatever was in your power to stop her, no matter the fight she would put up? Good luck and good vibes, Chris _________________________________________ Chris Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
AndyMan 7 #46 November 8, 2003 I think back to when I was 16, and wow - if I had free reign over my life the way your daughter does now, well - I don't think I would've made it through high school, never mind college. Freedom and responsibility are things that teenagers earn gradually over time... It seems like you've just swung the gate open on day one without doing incremental steps. Your daughter needs to demonstrate small bits of responsability before you give her big ones. Her own car is a HUGE one. I didn't have my own car until I was 19, and I bought it myself. My parents were pretty affluent, too. They could've easily bought me a car when I was 16, but they knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. _Am__ You put the fun in "funnel" - craichead. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pleifer 0 #47 November 8, 2003 I got 3 speeding tickets with a year of getting my truck, as far as the school goes. I was the same way, I'm 23 now love my parents dearly, and am a junior in college. with a gpa of about 3.2. everybody grows up, i wish I could go back to hs and smack the shit out of myself. Smartest thing my folks did was tell me that if I was ever in a bad situation and was unable to drive that I should call them day or night, I did once and rather than lectures and punishment I got a "glad you did not drive" and they left the lesson to be learned on my own. I wish I could take my crystal ball to show you 10 years in the future for the big picture. l _________________________________________ The Angel of Duh has spoke Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nightingale 0 #48 November 8, 2003 My parents car rules for me: 1. I was NOT allowed to have my own car until I went away to college. Use of my parents' cars was a priveledge and not a right, because they didn't belong to me. I could use the car if it was convenient for them. 2. If I got a ticket, I had to pay for the ticket, pay for traffic school, and lost car priveledges for a month. Any additional tickets, I'd have to pay out of pocket for the increase in my insurance rates. Same for accidents that I was at fault. 3. If friends, parents, or neighbors observed me using the car in an irresponsible manner, I lost car priveledges for a month. 4. As long as I kept my grades up at a 3.0 and above to receive the good student discount, I did not have to pay for my own car insurance (unless I did something to cause an increase in that insurance, in which case I had to pay the difference between the old rate and the new). 5. If I did anything to show I was abusing car priveledges (such as cutting school and DRIVING somewhere else) no car for a month. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Honestly, it sounds like she has a little too much financial responsibilities for a kid. Kids need to have fun money too... how much is her car payment/insurance compared to what she's making at work? there can't be a lot left over unless she's working WAY too many hours. However, she needs to drive the car responsibly if she is going to drive at all... there's an interesting video called "Red Asphalt" that you could probably get ahold of...shows what happens to folks who don't drive responsibly. Made an impression on me when I was 16...to this day, no at fault accidents (couple of morons have rear ended me at red lights, tho), one speeding ticket (for doing 30 in a 25!) and one citation for an obstructed windshield (hung my graduation tassel from the rear view mirror...cop was being a prick. I fought it...my defense was "this is a stupid ticket!" the judge agreed and waived the fine) and that's it...pretty good driving record for someone who's been driving for 8 years now... Take away the car for a month. She can get to school the same way she got to school before she got her license. If she can't drive, that should solve some of the cutting class problems. Also, if you haven't done so, call her school and report her truancies. They have unpleasant things such as saturday detention to deal with such issues. Make them aware that they are not to accept written notes from her without speaking to you first. My mom is a teacher and she's got a student with such a truancy (and forgery) problem that the office will only accept parent notes which are faxed from his mom's office! Schools WILL work with you to fix this, because if a child isn't in class, the school loses funding. Take her on visits to a couple of colleges...let her see how the students live and the freedoms they have. then you can tell her "if you want this kind of freedom, you need to earn it. you earn it through good grades and responsible behavior" If her friends are encouraging her to cut class...perhaps a change in schools is in order. If it hasn't gotten that far, it makes for a good threat. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
taln1rigr 0 #49 November 8, 2003 Wow, I've skimmed through some of the replies & I'd have to say there's some excellent advice being circculated. Not sure if anyone's touched on it yet since I didn't read every post ... but what ever happened to riding the bus to & from school? Certainly you can drive her to the nearest bus stop if it's way far away or she can walk to it if it's within a decent walking distance. There are many options available to you ... you're the parent, you still hold the upper hand. And while you can validate why she should have a car & a job & freedoms ... it's obvious she's not able to handle ALL of this in one whack. Think about it, she's breaking more than just your rules ... she's testing the rules of the road as well as the school system's rules. Everything you do from this point will seem heartless ... undoubtedly, you'll have the hardest part ... & it's gonna get worse before it gets better ... but what you need to do is often referred to as "TOUGH LOVE" & I'm living proof that it doesn't kill ya. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skyesspot 0 #50 November 8, 2003 First I would like to thank all of you for your advice. She is home now (for a long time ) and once she and I calm down a little we will talk about what she did and why I now have to do somethings she is not going to like. Thank you all again. You made a tough situation easier to handle.Life is too short. Don't sweat the small stuff. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
