I may have lost a friend...

[themitchyone 0]

My best friend of 16 years has been in a volatile relationship... the kind in which makes people shake their heads, but my friend won't end it/move on and won't listen to logic from the sensible people in her life. The guy went back to jail for drugs, and my friend said she would not take him back if this happened...

And whatdayaknow... She asked me to write a letter of character for his parole board. I did... and she sent me an email complaining about the letter being too brief. Believe me... this guy has done plenty of really awful things while on drugs. I was furious and emailed her back reminding her of these things and her promise not to take him back and how can she say this misery is love, etc, etc. The email was extensive and harsh (but with some toughlove) but long overdue.

Unfortunately, she didn't get my email until after she had called to apologize for hers. Since she got my email, she hasn't called me back, and I think this may have adversely affected our relationship. I hope just not irreconcilably. It makes me mad and sad... I don't lie, steal, and screw over my friend, yet she gets mad at me because I don't coddle her guy that does those things to her.

Thanks for letting me vent. I would appreciate any consoling vibes...

"If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girl's sports such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing." - Homer Simpson

[McDuck 0]

Listen, you have to stay true to what you believe in, especially when it comes to protecting your friends from their own folly...and drug-infatuated repeat offenders. You lead with your heart because you care about your friend. I don't see any wrong there.

{{{{{{{{{VIBES}}}}}}}}}

Kevin - Sonic Beef #5 - OrFun #28
"I never take myself too seriously, 'cuz everybody know fat birds don't fly." - FLC
Online communities: proof that people never mature much past high school.

[DeNReN 0]

Sorry no vibes from me....Why did you write the letter instead of telling her what you should have?

[Gawain 0]

You won't like this, but I think you were being a truer friend when you wrote the email. You certainly weren't serving her real welfare with the character letter, as her ingratitude had shown. People change over time, 16 years ago both of you probably thought the same way about big-loser-drug-dealer-violent-offenders. It's apparent that is not the case anymore.

Give it a breather for a little while. She's getting a dose of reality that wasn't in her face the way it is right now. If she learns to accept it, you'll be chatting it up in no time. If she harbors the resentment, well, you did what you knew to be right at the time. I guess that's not too consoling...

So I try and I scream and I beg and I sigh
Just to prove I'm alive, and it's alright
'Cause tonight there's a way I'll make light of my treacherous life
Make light!

[themitchyone 0]

Quote

You won't like this, but I think you were being a truer friend when you wrote the email...

Actually, I agree with you. I didn't really want to write this character letter. Other friends wrote them... it seems they have this attitude that being an addict is an excuse. I don't think it always is. But DeNReN is right... an email response may not have been the best way, but it's the best way for me to express myself. Verbally is not. And BTW, I have told her before much of the email stuff. She didn't want to hear it.

p.s. I never was attracted to big-loser-drug-dealer-violent-offenders!

"If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girl's sports such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing." - Homer Simpson

[kai2k1 0]

Hey Michele,


You did nothing wrong. So she said the letter was too short, how do you make a sinner look like a saint? you just cant. Eventually your friend will see this person for who he really is and all will be forgiven.

There's no truer sense of flying than sky diving," Scott Cowan

[Gawain 0]

...all I said was that once upon a time, you two may have thought the same about big-loser....xxx...etc. That could've meant you never liked them too!

So I try and I scream and I beg and I sigh
Just to prove I'm alive, and it's alright
'Cause tonight there's a way I'll make light of my treacherous life
Make light!

[Lee03 0]

If she is REALLY your best friend, she will know that you have her best interest at heart and you won't lose her over this. Good luck.

--------
To put your life in danger from time to time ... breeds a saneness in dealing with day-to-day trivialities.

--Nevil Shute, Slide Rule

[themitchyone 0]

You're so right. I'm sorry!

"If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girl's sports such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing." - Homer Simpson

[Gawain 0]

Quote

You're so right. I'm sorry!

PM'd you about being sorry...

So I try and I scream and I beg and I sigh
Just to prove I'm alive, and it's alright
'Cause tonight there's a way I'll make light of my treacherous life
Make light!

[tbrown 26]

You sound like a good person who could do without either one of those two. Go out and catch a good film...

Your humble servant.....Professor Gravity !

[WrongWay 0]

(((((((((((((((((((((((VIBES))))))))))))))))))))

Man, as hard as it is to believe, you did the right thing. You acted as a true friend by telling her how you felt, and that this guy was wrong for her. That takes guts.

Wrong Way
D #27371 Mal Manera Rodriguez Cajun Chicken Ø Hellfish #451
The wiser wolf prevails.

[moodyskydiver 0]

I agree that what you did was the right thing.

I also know how your friend feels because I have been in her shoes. I briefly dated "fell in love with" and was then engaged to a guy who did drugs, was a thief, a VERY compulsive liar, did 'shady' business through his family's company etc etc. But I loved him dearly. I was ready to turn my back on his family,disown my family and sever ties with my friends for this guy.I was horrible to everyone around me because of this guy.He was controlling as well as emotionallly and physically abusive. He made me so vulnerable and emotionally dependant on him that the only way I ever felt good about myself was through him.It was almost like being addicted to drugs myself..and destroying my life. I did things when I was with him that I am ashamed of now and will have to live with.I always told myself that just one more time...if he started using again it'd be over.I told him that too.Then I was so blind that I didnt want to see the signs..he lost weight,never slept or slept all the time, he'd disappear for long periods of time or not come home at all or wouldnt allow me to go places with him etc. Thankfully it finally did end.But it took me the better part of a year to regain myself and start over.I'm still paying for what he did and am in debt b/c he stole $4k from me after we broke up.But I'm still trying to get my life in order.

I wish the best for your friend.Even if you think your friendship is bad right now,dont give up. I have very few friends now because of the way I was when I was with him.But the ones I have never gave up on me and sometimes just knowing that makes the loneliness light enough to bear.

"...just an earthbound misfit, I."

[freefallfreak 0]

Bottom line...if she was ever a friend, she'll be back after she chills...if she wasn't, she won't.

TripleF

[jtval 0]

LOVE IS BLIND (and stupid)

Me brother was in a relationship... not quite like that but... she was insane. I trouble maker, insitgator etc


ANDS sh ewas 35. (at the time) youd figure the high school antics would be left in highschool...not for her!

they dated for 3 years. I was furious and I DO NOT LIE I told me brother (and her) how I felt


good thing is...he realized all the shit she was doing and moved out (he almost married her)

Im gflad to say I have my bro back....and I got into an arguement with him last night HAHAH!
I havent SEEN him for 6 months, I fly backl to NY yesterday and get into an arguement over stupid stuff last night....I love that guy!

My photos

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[quatorze 1]

In the middle of this right now, except with Mother in Law, long story short she is moving in with a man who is waiting to be arrained (sp?) for being busted with 37 pot plants in his shed, and he is still legally married. Problem is that our 5 year old niece was expected to come and stay at Nana's and my brother in law doesn't see a problem with this. However my wife and I both do, we have stated that if we are to see my mother in law at any time it will be at her sister's house, my wife and I cannot afford to tempt fate and lose our careers (her registered nures, me firefighter) and our state does see that the hand of one is the hand of all, if you are at a house that is invovled in criminal activity when the five-0 show up, you are going to jail too, no $200.

So from me to you, VIBES!!!!!!

I'm not afriad of dying, I'm afraid of never really living- Erin Engle

[themitchyone 0]

I'm definitely on your side. This sounds like no environment for a five year old... and also of course you and your wife don't want to jeopardize your careers.

"If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girl's sports such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing." - Homer Simpson

[Layton 0]

codependency is an illness.and it makes people really sick.if your friend keeps doing what she is doing she will keep getting what she is getting.if she wants something different she will do something different.i am a recoverying addict with 11 years clean time.ive been on both sides of the coin and believe me the active addiction is worse.you can be her friend but you need to set boundries as far as her boyfriend is concerned.and when you draw your line in the sand you have to stick to it or your word doesnt mean anything.good luck to both of you.***where are we going and why are we in this handbasket?

[chaoskitty 0]

I've also lost friends due to them being involved with people who were/are involved in drugs. I see nothing wrong with giving your friend a wake up call and trying to make her understand that if she continues to expose herself to that, its only a matter of time before his problems become her problems.
You have to protect yourself as well.. heres an example scenario that happened to one of my friends:
He was out running around with one of his friends, her boyfriend called so they picked him up. My friend got pulled over for speeding, boyfriend had some coke on him, got freaked out and stashed it in the pocket behind the driver's seat. The police thought they had reason to search the car, found the coke, and they all went to jail. My friend got charged with possession because it was in his car and of course bf denied it was his. My friend now has a drug charge on his record that is going to pop up every time he interviews for a new job, gets pulled over, applies for a passport..etc. I guess thats not the end of the world, but it certainly makes life more difficult.
Of course, we can argue that the police could have done a little more investigating and figured out what was really going on, but they didnt, and I just wanted to prove my point that it is perfectly reasonable to choose not to expose yourself to situations like that.

I hope your friend is strong enough to make the right decision about the guy... and that you can still be friends.

[taln1rigr 0]

I'm curious ... was your friend exposed to abuse/abusive behavior when she was young/growing up?
I'm not positive if this applies in her situation but change is often one of the hardest things for someone who is not emotionally healthy. Until the person admits they make unhealthy partner choices it'll be hard to make any sense to them. It's kinda like an alcoholic, they have to admit the problem exists before they can begin to understand the disease.
Once abused (emotional, mental, physical & sexual) at a young age a person will most often seek out a partner who'll continue the pattern. Ever wonder why guys marry a girl who's most like his mother & why a girl falls in love with someone who closely resembles her father? It's familiar & familiar is comfortable. And for someone who has been abused, who's unhealthy, this is all they know ... which is why so many keep themselves in bad situations ... they'll actually seek out personalities most like the person who abused them so they can stay in familiar territory.
So while I think enough's been said about what you shouldn't have written (character statement) let me say this ... the toughest part of the friendship is yours ... looking on the inside, knowing so much, wanting to just yank her up out of a bad situation & make things all better for her. She doesn't believe she can do better ... but you know she can. You can motivate her to do better things & when she's listening she's dedicated to making the necessary changes ... until she returns to him, then it's every excuse why she should stay. If this sounds familiar then let me suggest getting the book "Getting The Love You Want, A Guide For Couples" by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. http://www.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/200303/tows_past_20030328.jhtml
Read it to understand her ... & quite possibly your own relationships ... then have her read it. Heck, I'd ask everyone to read this book if I could ... even if they are emotionally, mentally, physically or sexually healthy.
I wish you the best in your efforts ... don't ever give up hope ... sounds to me like you're all she's got.
{{{{{{BIG HUG}}}}}}}}

[tcnelson 1]

you vouched, good job.

"Don't talk to me like that assface...I don't work for you yet." - Fletch
NBFT, Deseoso Rodriguez RB#1329

[themitchyone 0]

Quote

I'm curious ... was your friend exposed to abuse/abusive behavior when she was young/growing up?

You're absolutely right. She had a crazy childhood with her mother and aunt and their bad relationships/drug use. The idea of the police being called because of family fighting would be a foreign language to my family, so it's hard for me to understand. I want to tell her, HELLO, ISN"T THIS SO OBVIOUS TO YOU?? MOVE ON!

You made me understand that she is almost like an addict herself. So, the messages we're sending might not get through. She has to come to that realization herself. She is going to counseling, and I hope she finds the answers.

The sucky thing is she also has friends & family that are "codependent," if you will, saying things like "pray on it." The funny thing is, if you believe in this, IMO, hasn't an answer already been given?!

Thanks for the hugs and book suggestion. I'll check it out.

"If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girl's sports such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing." - Homer Simpson

[KawiZX900 0]

I knew a really hot blonde in high school that fell in love with a heroin junkie and he knocked her up, she did'nt finish high school and he died in a holiday inn with a needle in the arm... I have no idea what she's doing now, but the future was bleak for her.

Accelerate hard to get them looking, then slam on the fronts and rollright beside the car, hanging the back wheel at eye level for a few seconds. Guaranteed reaction- Dave Sonsky

[NoShitThereIWas 0]

I can relate to your story since I too was in a volatile nightmare of a relationship and my friends and family would get frustrated with me constantly for going back to it.

All I can say is if this guy is in jail, he obviously made some bad choices and has some issues.

The bottom line from my experience is when you are "in" the situation it is sometimes hard to see outside of it. Sometimes the misery of the truth is more comfortable than doing anything about it. Yes, I think someone mentioned the word co-dependent.

Try to be there for your friend to listen the next time she has problems with this guy and it sounds like she will. Remind her of the past. Part of being a good friend is just being there no matter what. Eventually she will find out for herself although it may take some time.

Coming from a place of empathy to my closest friends and family for their frustrations with me with my last nightmare relationship, I send you VIBES and strength so take a stand for what you believe is right for your friend. She will make her own decisions no matter what advice you give her and even though it may seem that she does not listen to it, you never know the seeds you may be planting for her that one day she may need to rely on for support.

It will always help her to know when things get bad that you are there for her as a friend no matter what.

Roy Bacon: "Elvises, light your fires."

Sting: "Be yourself no matter what they say."

[RippedCord 0]

What was the resolve on this story?

AMDG