bshl 0 #1 December 18, 2003 This post is in response to a woman who was mortified by the confusion she caused when she inadvertently walked into a men’s restroom. I've copied it from the source and am posting it here for your amusement. Enjoy. ***** Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare that us guys ever hit what we're aiming for. Sometimes, I go in to the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around just so I'll make sure I hit something! You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to pee all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg and onto his shoe. I'm telling ya, those little buggers can't be trusted. After being married 28 years, my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise, if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep. Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you. It's a real problem and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood." Most mornings, us guys wake up with two things, a tremendous desire to pee and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it won't bend, you can't aim. Well hell, if you can't aim, you have no choice but to pee all over the wallpaper and that cushioned toilet seat. And by the way, when you use those cushioned toilet seats, the friggin' lid won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the lid and the other hand to try to control our less than perfect aim. Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this), you think you can get the toilet seat with that cushioned thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that cushioned thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed cushion starts to decompress and, without warning, that toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a cushioned toilet seat; it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her, “Look, it won't bend.” She said, "So sit down like I told you to do the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood". Well, it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat and, before I could manage it, I had peed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get if forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee, the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You pee all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of your legs on to that matching fuzzy horseshoe rug women keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet. I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position: lying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance and great precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee. So you ladies have to understand that we men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault, it's Mother Nature. Now, if it had been Father Nature, there wouldn't have been a problem. ***** Blue skies and happy landings! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sheenster303 0 #2 December 18, 2003 ROFLMAO!!!!!!! That was really gross but hilarious!I'm so funny I crack my head open! P.M.S. #102 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pop 0 #3 December 18, 2003 I cannot stop laughing. This so so funny because its true and you put it in such a humorous way. thanks for the mega laugh!!! 7 ounce wonders, music and dogs that are not into beer Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skysprite 0 #4 December 18, 2003 That's great! ~skysprite Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
champu 1 #5 December 18, 2003 actually, you can kinda get down on one knee and lean sidewise toward the toilet. it's definitely quite the conundrum. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FliegendeWolf 0 #6 December 18, 2003 For the morning issue, I usually lean forward so that my body becomes the hypotenuse to a right triangle with the floor and the wall. Hold myself up with one hand on the wall, the other hand aims. No problem.A One that Isn't Cold is Scarcely a One at All Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freeflir29 0 #7 December 18, 2003 I just sit and lean forward. Less of an acrobatic move first thing in the morning. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
souleh 0 #8 December 18, 2003 ROFL that is so true! And yes, just lean forward, takes so much less effort. Can cause pain if not done carefully, mind See ladies, we're not always totally to blame 'buttplugs? where?' - geno Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Brains 2 #9 December 18, 2003 QuoteFor the morning issue, I usually lean forward so that my body becomes the hypotenuse to a right triangle with the floor and the wall. Hold myself up with one hand on the wall, the other hand aims. No problem. huh, i just pee in the shower. Nice arc too it is a thing of beauty. Never look down on someone, unless they are going down on you. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FLYBERT71 0 #10 December 18, 2003 Mabey now women will understand why the seat is always left up. "If you have time to panic, you have time to do something more productive." Josh Whipple 7/15/70-2/10/05 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bshl 0 #11 December 18, 2003 Quotehuh, i just pee in the shower. Nice arc too it is a thing of beauty. Beautiful! Blue skies and happy landings! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
downwardspiral 0 #12 December 18, 2003 not one mention of the split pee phenomenon. why is it that the split is rarely close enough to get both streams in the toilet at the same time?www.FourWheelerHB.com Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ACMESkydiver 0 #13 December 18, 2003 Ohhhh.... I had no idea that urination was so complicated!!~Jaye Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
inzite 0 #14 December 18, 2003 And don't forget the all-too-common side-shooters. You aim for the bowl with the best of intentions and next thing you know you're looking to replace that soaked roll of toilet paper.Luckily those side-shooters only fire left and right, and never up. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FrogNog 1 #15 December 18, 2003 QuoteOhhhh.... I had no idea that urination was so complicated!! This guy didn't even really delve into the complications. One complication is summarized in this quote: "The water is cold. And deep." Someone already mentioned split-pee. There are pre-urination processes to attempt to deal with this, but it's a classic cost/benefit struggle. Peeing in the shower is good, but the complication there is you can't do it with your eyes closed. It _seems_ like it would be OK, but, no. There's the "Am I done yet?" issue which leads to the "John Wayne" issue the original poster wrote about. Plus take ANY of these situations and throw in the SO. Everything is twice as bad, maybe more, when a member of the fairer sex is observing. This is why men make the bathroom stink so bad - it's a self defense technique to ensure privacy during urination. Personally, I favor the shower combined with the "counting/timing" technique. Imperial data collection from years past indicates my bladder cannot, under any normal circumstance, hold more than 90 seconds of urine. Therefore, after a minute and a half, I must be done and it is safe to return to my shower already in progress. Or, if I am not taking a shower first thing in the morning and the pain isn't too bad, I just spend a couple minutes thinking of wrinkled old nuns and kittens being run over on the railroad, and the morning wood abates allowing me to win the bend-wrestle. Since we were sharing and all. -=-=- Luke: "Really??" Me: "No. I made that up just now." -=-=-=-=- Pull. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jmpnkramer 0 #16 December 18, 2003 I just do a hand stand! Laters, KRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!The REAL KRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMER! "HESITATION CAUSES DEATH!!!" "Be Slow to Fall into Friendship; but when Thou Art in, Continue Firm & Constant." - SOCRATES Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bshl 0 #17 December 18, 2003 When I was taking physics in college, we were told that the classic example of torque was when you had a boner so hard that when you tried to push it down to take a leak, it knocked your feet out from under you. Blue skies and happy landings! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dragontail 0 #18 December 18, 2003 Reminds me of a movie quote: "Why am I peeing like I had sex all night?" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DShiznit 0 #19 December 18, 2003 The last half of that is too true..... I'm partial to leaning over and resting one hand on the wall as well.... Or you can do it "Neanderthal" style and go to the backyard and see just how high you can shoot. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TribalTalon 0 #20 December 18, 2003 ME MYSELF AND IRENE!!! lol i hate having to pee with morning wood. its times like those that i wish that i had a small weiner. i hate the split streams, those suck big time. how about the dribblers? like when you shake it off, you're sure that you're done and you put it back in the pants and it gives one final defiant squirt. D'OH! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 212 #21 December 18, 2003 Just like a gas pump.I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
PhillyKev 0 #22 December 18, 2003 QuoteAnd by the way, when you use those cushioned toilet seats, the friggin' lid won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the lid and the other hand to try to control our less than perfect aim. Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this), you think you can get the toilet seat with that cushioned thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that cushioned thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed cushion starts to decompress and, without warning, that toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a cushioned toilet seat; it's just not safe. I HATE those fucking things. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
goose491 0 #23 December 18, 2003 QuoteI just sit and lean forward. Less of an acrobatic move first thing in the morning. I've done that a few times... but I'm SO ashamed that now, I resort to the hand-stand. "Why's everybody always picking on me?...'cause you run like a girl and you sit down to pee!" -Bloodhound Gang My Karma ran over my Dogma!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
goose491 0 #24 December 18, 2003 QuoteThis post is in response to a woman who was mortified by the confusion she caused when she inadvertently walked into a men’s restroom. [Scottish mans voice] Ark! That's olright lass! I've dun tha same thing me-self! One time, I walked into tha loo marked 'laddies' [/Scottish man voice] Edited to add: silly me ... spelled the same... much funnier phonetically (i.e. Lad-ies?) My Karma ran over my Dogma!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jonno5 0 #25 December 18, 2003 The fuzzy seat cover just delays the time you know the seat is down in the dark. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
