Are you as funny as you think you are?

[crozby 0]

And oldie but it still makes me giggle:

A little old lady visits her doctor. "Whats the problem" asks the doctor.

"Well.." says the old lady, " I've got this terrible wind see. I seem to be farting all day long. The only saving grace is that they're silent and they don't smell"

"Ok" says the Doctor, "take these pills 3 times a day and come back to see me in a couple of weeks"

A couple of weeks later the old lady returns. "Doctor I don't know what you think you're doing but since taking these pills I've still got my wind, but now my farts smell AWFUL!"

"Good" say the Doctor. "Thats fixed your sense of smell, now lets do something about your hearing problem."

• Quote

[CrazyRock 0]

hahahaahahh... funny!!

i think i might have heard that b4, but it been a long time... :)

-Seth :)

[RkyMtnHigh 0]

ROTFLMAO...but not **snort** laughing yet...

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[gerrcoin 0]

A man goes to the Doctor and says "Dr. you've got to help me, I've got a mole on the end of my penis!"
The doctor looks at it for a while and replies "Well I can remove it, but I'm gonna have to report you to Animal Welfare"
Three elderly men go out walking:
First one says. "Windy isn't it? "
Second one says, "No its Thursday!"!
Third one says. "So am I. Lets go get a beer".
What do you give the man who's got everything?
Antibiotics

[fool 0]

man walks into a doctors office with a frog on his shoulder, doctor says "what's wrong with you?" Frog says "I don't know, it started with a bump on my ass."

S.E.X. party #1

"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "f*#k, what a ride".

[beej 0]

A little Indian boy approaches Big Chief Sitting Bull. 'Where do our names come from?' the little boy asks.

Sitting Bull replied; 'whatever the eyes of your father fall upon when leaving the tent of your birth, is what you are named, for example, my father saw a bull sitting on the ground, hence my name - Sitting Bull, why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking?'

----------------------------------------------------
If the shit fits - wear it (blues brothers)--

[Lizard 0]

A baby seal walks into a club....

[freeasabird 0]

I keep a list of stupid things said by my coworker, "Tim". They are all authentic and were all said with no intentions of trying to be funny. Here are a few:

> 42 year old Tim says while staring at a clock on the wall: "I know why they call it the first hand and the second hand...but where is the third hand?" (noone ever told the poor guy about hour hand, minute hand, etc.!)

>after me giving Tim a silent, pissed-off look for about 20 seconds he says, "Don't look at me like I think I'm stupid!"

>Tim talks about his days in the Air National Guard: "We had to do 50 apple jacks every day." (jumping jacks maybe?)

>Me: "Tim, what'd you do last night?"
Tim:"Ate dinner, then went upstairs to bed." (Tim lives in a one story house with no basement.)

And finally,
>Tim responding to us teasing him about his bizarre utterances: "You guys are just trying to take attention away from your own speechified downfalls!" (???)

[slug 1]

Hi RMH

Great thread I can hardly wait for the snorter!

R.I.P.

[Lizard 0]

You know the best thing about screwing twenty four year olds?


Theres twenty of them.....

[AggieDave 6]

Heh. Check out the forum rules, you just broke the big one. You'll probably get banned for it.

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[Lizard 0]

Thanks for the correction..

[AggieDave 6]

No prob, you're pretty new here and probably hadn't really seen the rules. You might want to check the Forum Rules and the FAQ when you get the chance.

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[RkyMtnHigh 0]

Quote

A baby seal walks into a club....

...that one constitutes you as an authentic BUTT CHEETOH!!!!

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[RkyMtnHigh 0]

Keep 'em coming....

Hey! the misunderstood lyrics thread is making me **snort** laugh....and Laurel can make me **snort** laugh... come on people!

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[turtlespeed 212]

Just imagine me - in the nude - looking in a mirror - ***Snort*** laughing.

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[kansasskydiver 0]

After years of being stared at in the old European parks 2 nude statues were visited by an angel who brings them to life

"You have both been here for 100's of years, stared at and always taking it in good humor. Your love for eachother though could always be felt so I'm going to grant you both a wish and let you show your love for eachother and live for an hour"

Poof the statues become people and him and her run off into the bushes. The angel here some moaning and growning, and then 20 mins later they come back and say they're done.

The angel looks a bit confused and says "Are you sure you guys are done? Have you done everything you've always wanted to do? You know you still have 40 mins left, you can do it again"

The male statue looks at his beautiful partner and asks if she wants to do it again, she replies with

"Ok! But this time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head!"

<--- See look, pink dolphins DO exist!

[RkyMtnHigh 0]

Quote

Just imagine me - in the nude - looking in a mirror - ***Snort*** laughing.

Awww...how cute

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[Douva 0]

A guy walks into a bar with a dog.

The guy sits on a barstool, and the dog climbs up on a barstool.

The bartender comes over and asks, "What'll you have?"

The guy says, "I'll have a beer, and my dog will have a beer."

Annoyed, the bartender asks the guy, "Will you take your dog down off the barstool and quit fooling around, please, sir?"

"You don't understand; this is a talking dog," replies the guy.

"If he's a talking dog, why didn't he order the beer himself?"

"Okay," says the guy, "ask the dog what he wants."

Skeptical, the bartender asks the dog, "What'll you have?"

The dog immediately replies, "I'll have a beer."

"Look," says the bartender, "if you're going to do some dumb ventriloquist act, just get out of here."

"Fine," says the guy, "I'll go lock myself in the bathroom; you ask the dog what he wants."

Reluctantly, the bartender agrees.

The guy goes and locks himself in the bathroom.

The bartender looks at the dog and asks sarcastically, "What'll you have?"

"I'll have a beer," replies the dog.

The bartender is blown away. "This is amazing! Who's ever heard of a talking dog? Alright, here's ten dollars. Go across the street, and ask for a beer. When they give it to you, spit it out, and tell them you like our beer better."

The dog agrees, takes the money, and leaves.

A few minutes later, the guy comes back from the bathroom. "Where's my dog?"

"I sent him across the street to play a practical joke," explains the bartender.

"I really wish you hadn't done that."

The guy walks out of the bar to find his dog, and there in the middle of the street is his dog humping away at another dog.

The guy exclaims in disgust, "I've never seen you do that before!"

To which the dog replies, "I've never had ten bucks before."

I don't have an M.D. or a law degree. I have bachelor's in kicking ass and taking names.

[gerrcoin 0]

It's spring, and the baby bear comes out of his cave. His knees are wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles under his eyes. His mother says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like you were supposed to?" He says, "Hibernate? I thought you said masturbate!"
In the local retirement home, it was common knowledge that George and Mildred were a regular item. However, their sexual activity was limited to her holding his penis in her hand. This went on for several months until Mildred noticed that George had started to spend more and more time with Amy, a new resident at the home.
Mildred eventually grew tired of this and confronted George. "What has Amy got that I haven't?" asked Mildred.
"Parkinson's" replied George
It's two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings.
The husband picks up the phone and says, "Hello? ... How the hell do I know? What am I, the weather man?" and promptly slams the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

[CrazyThomas 0]

PLEASE TELL MORE JOKES LIKE THAT.....

Those were so funny.. if I don't hear more, I'll start telling light bulb jokes (yes MAJOR RE-POSTS)


Thomas

[Frenchy68 0]

Mr Rabbit and Mr Bear are taking a crap in the forest.
Mr Bear asks: "Hey there, Rabbit, doesn't it bother you to have all that "s..." stuck on your hair when you take a crap?"
"No, not really", answers Mr Rabbit.
Then Mr Bear grabs Mr Rabbits and wipes his ass with him...

N.

"For once you have tasted Absinthe you will walk the earth with your eyes turned towards the gutter, for there you have been and there you will long to return."

[FunBobby 0]

Somehow, I doubt you read a lot of FHM, so here you are...

Two flies set down on a big turd. A minute later, one fly leans over, lifts up one of his legs and farts. The other says "Dude, do you mind? I'm eating here."

FunBobby

[gerrcoin 0]

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor,doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
A blind man walks into a supermarket and grabs his guide dog by the tail and starts to swing it around his head. One of the assistants says: "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "Having a quick look around", replies the blind man.
A man goes up to the bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and says to the barman, "I'll have a beer please, and one for the road".
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
How do you make a cat go woof?
Cover it in petrol and light a match
How do you make a dog drink?
Put one in a liquidizer.

[Dougiefresh 0]

Three city guys are at a dude ranch riding horses in Texas. They are from Texas, Illinois, and Wisconsin.

The Texas guy, wanting to show off a bit, pulls a bottle of whiskey out of his bag, slugs it hard, then throws it into the air, pulls his gun and shoots it into a million pieces.

The two midwestern guys say, "Wow! Damn! That was some crazy shit! But why did you waste a perfectly good bottle of whiskey?"

The Texan says, " Where I come from, glass is cheap and there's plenty of whiskey."

So they ride for a bit, then the guy from Illinois decides he's not to be outdone, so he pulls a bottle of expensive champagne from his bag, slugs it, throws it into the air, and pulls his gun and shoots it into a million pieces.

The other two say, ""Wow! Damn! That was some crazy shit! But why did you waste a perfectly good bottle of champagne?"

And the Illinois guy says, " Where I come from, glass is cheap and there is plenty of champagne."

So they ride for a bit. The guy from Wisconsin is deep in thought.

So finally, the guy from Wisconsin pulls out a bottle of the best beer ever (New Glarus), slowly slowly slowly drinks the whole thing, enjoying every moment of the experience. He then puts the empty bottle back in his bag, pulls out his gun and shoots the guy from Illinois right thru the forehead.

The Texan feaks out, naturally. He screams, "Jesus! Fuck! You killed him! Why the hell did you do that!?!"

And the guy from wisconsin says, "Well, where I come from, beer is good, we recycle, and there are plenty of people from Illinois."


Before you flame me, I jump at SDC.

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. --Douglas Adams