new study on cheating

[Vallerina 2]

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Afraid of being alone? Yes! I'm afraid of being alone at 60 - when all my friends have their family obligations and I'm home alone. But it is not the only reason I'm married.

Really? I'm not afraid of being alone at 60. I've enjoyed plenty of activities by myself (including skydiving....I didn't have any friends/family/boy toys with me on my first jump), and I imagine that I can do the same when I'm old (unless there's a law passed that old people can't do activities alone.)

There's a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning

[PhillyKev 0]

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The benefits are too much to mention

Give it a shot. Let me know one benefit you can't get unless you are married? Ignoring the religious and legal aspects.

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I see you've never been in a relationship that means anything. There will come a time in your life
when you will realize working your job has NO loyalty to you, yet a relationship does.

Actually I have. I've been in a 5 year relationship, lived with a girl for 2 years, and another 3 year relationship. I loved all of them very much, in fact I still do.

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Yes. I found out he was engaged.

So you've only dated one guy before your husband?

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The experiences you get in a relationship outweight the negatives if you are willing to give it a shot. That means putting someone other than yourself first, in many cases.

I don't disagree with that at all. And I've been in relationships like that, and probably will again. But sacrificing the rest of my life to stay with someone I'm no longer in love with is not something I'm willing to do for someoen else.

[PhillyKev 0]

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Everything worth having is worth working for . . . do you want to be a good skydiver? Do you have to work at it? The answer is probably yes to both. NOTHING is simple.

Kelly

Completely invalid comparison. It's not work if you're having fun. If it were, then I wouldn't bother.

[mailin 0]

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to find someone to love them for who they are right now and still love them for who they are in 20 years when they've changed so much from the person you originally fell in love with....well, that seems pretty darn difficult to do. It doesn't justify cheating

well... then people are marrying very selfish superficial people also.

People doens't change THAT much in 20 years. And even if you do then you should have had enough foresight to marry someone who loves you completely, for they will love you for all your changes.

And I know this becuase i see it everyday in my parents and the people I work with.

Jen

Arianna Frances

[kelel01 1]

Ok, but "fun" and "love" can be interchanged to a certain extent. You get out of it what you put into it, most of the time. Put nothing in, get nothing out, which would explain your jaded opinion.

Kelly

[misskriss 0]

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Really? I'm not afraid of being alone at 60

Neither is my mother.

[Vallerina 2]

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People doens't change THAT much in 20 years.

My best friend's dad was a very intelligent man, and her parents didn't marry for "superficial" reasons (I'm not sure what you mean by that.) One day, he decided to leave his family and start a fish farm. Her parents had been together for 16 years or so at that point, and her mom never saw it coming. We have all seen things like that happen. People don't change immediately, but I doubt many 40 year olds can say they are the same person they were when they were 20.

There's a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning

[mailin 0]

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It's not work if you're having fun.

Exactly! I have fun with my husband every day. How refreshing it is to know that I'll be able to have someone who loves me to come home to.

And the sex is great! Having had sex with the same person for 5+ years is fantastic - he learns what I like and I him, and we never have boring sex and can communicate more openly than a newer relationship. We have lots of fun.

As far as your question about dating guys other than my husband - your question was about me dumping someone. That relationship was the only one I had dumped... all the others dumped me. The important fact you're missing is that I found someone I want to spend the rest of my life with - someone I always want to put before me.

Thats how marriage works - and society seems to be missing that.

Jen

Arianna Frances

[PhillyKev 0]

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IMO, this is skewed. Nothing is going to rosy and wonderful 100% of the time. Ask anyone who's been married more than 20 years. My parents had 7 years of pure hell (I know I was there). Yet they're still together and over the weekend they were holding hands and cuddling like newlyweds.

Never said it had to be perfect...but 7 years??? Come on. If they weren't married with kids do you think they would have stayed together? Do you think maybe they could have split up, found someone different and been happy with them without going through that 7 years of pure hell? That's about a tenth of their lives in pure hell. No thanks, I'll pass.

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I can't say for sure it won't happen to me (divorce that is).

That's the attitude that pisses _me_ off. Why get married unless you are 100% absolutely, positively sure that you will stay with someone for the rest of your life?

My attitude is realistic. Most people don't stay with the same person their whole life, and probably more than half that do, cheat. I'm just being honest. I won't tell someone that I will be with them for the rest of their life and then turn out to be a liar later on.

[vdschoor 0]

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It comes from the fact that people change so much over the course of their life, and to find someone to love them for who they are right now and still love them for who they are in 20 years when they've changed so much from the person you originally fell in love with....well, that seems pretty darn difficult to do. It doesn't justify cheating (which just seems cowardly to me), but it explains the many divorces (which I see no real problem with unless there are children.)

I actually don't agree with this, yes people change but I don't think you ever change to a degree that you become a completely different person.

I think one of the reasons for the many divorces is people rushing into marriage, they think they found the one and get married 3 months after they met someone. this works for some people, but not for everyone.

Beeing with someone is work, and takes effort from both parties, it's a give and take kind of thing.
I've seen it with my parents, granted they are still happily married after 28 years, they've gone through shit, and I've heard my mom say if I'd known this 30 years ago I would have never gone through with it, but you know what? over the course of those 28 years there have been so many nice things that happened that you just deal with that one thing that has changed in the person you are with.

Marriage is hard work, and hard work usually pays off

[Vallerina 2]

That's cute. My grandma is 70-something, and she got divorced to my grandpa the day my older brother was born. She goes and travels all the time. She reads many books. She attends lectures on whatever she's interested in. She protests wars! She gets lonely, too, but even married people get lonely sometimes.

There's a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning

[PhillyKev 0]

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Put nothing in, get nothing out, which would explain your jaded opinion.

That's crap. I've had a few serious, commited relationships that I put a lot into. I'm don't have the unrealistic expectation that I'll be happy with one person for the rest of my life. It is a FACT that you are more likely to NOT stay with that same person and not cheat for the rest of your life. Thinking differently would be a jaded opinion.

[mailin 0]

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Do you think maybe they could have split up, found someone different and been happy with them without going through that 7 years of pure hell? That's about a tenth of their lives in pure hell.

Yes, because they had not only my brother and I but also 20 years of marriage built up together before that.

Its called work, but its worth it for them.

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That's the attitude that pisses _me_ off. Why get married unless you are 100% absolutely, positively sure that you will stay with someone for the rest of your life?

The reason I say I can't be sure is becuase I can't even be sure I'm going to wake up in the morning.

I can't even say that I won't get hit by a car on my way home today....

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Most people don't stay with the same person their whole life, and probably more than half that do, cheat.

Ya.... I noticed

Jen

Arianna Frances

[kelel01 1]

Ok, see, you just admitted that you worked at a relationship. That was explicitly what you were saying you WOULD NOT do. Just proving my point. If you don't think you're gonna stay together forever, then don't get married. But why look down upon people who are filled with love and optimism as if they're stupid?

Kelly

[Vallerina 2]

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I actually don't agree with this, yes people change but I don't think you ever change to a degree that you become a completely different person.

Well, that's depressing. I hope that in 20 years I'm a very different person than I am now. I have a lot to learn. I have a lot to experience. There's always room for personal growth. No, I hope that I don't become a liar or cheat, but that doesn't make me "who I am."

There's a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning

[mailin 0]

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I've had a few serious, commited relationships that I put a lot into

It takes effort on both halves. If you do your research you will find someone who is willing to put forth the same effort as you - thats the key. Working together. Marriage is a team sport.


Jen

Arianna Frances

[PhillyKev 0]

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The important fact you're missing is that I found someone I want to spend the rest of my life with - someone I always want to put before me.

Thats how marriage works - and society seems to be missing that.

Congratulations, I hope it does work out that way for you. But society isn't missing anything that it ever had. Sure, back in the old days people stayed married because of the stigma with divorce, but they would sleep in separate rooms or separate houses even and date someone else, all the while pretending to be something they're not. I seriously doubt the number of people staying together, commited to each other, and not cheating has decreased at all. It's just that nowadays people don't have to pretend.

[Deuce 1]

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Thus said a guy can be attached to a female and still easily play the field (yes, you guys do it so don't even try to say bull).

Bull.

People rise to their expectations. Guys who cheat want women who cheat because then there is no high ground.

Utter bullshit.

Mouth, I love you and this isn't directed at you, specifically.

But when a man or woman cheats and everybody just shrugs and says "Of course", expect much more cheating. A father who cheats on his wife is also cheating on his children.

Bah. As to only being able to "cheat" when married, what is anybody's word worth when they are committed prior to or without marriage, and they break that trust.

Have the lawyers gotten into our pop culture so deep that the cheater will say "I never specifically told you that I wouldn't nail a hussy in the bathroom, so you have no grounds to bitch!" ?

What nonsense.

[PhillyKev 0]

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Ok, see, you just admitted that you worked at a relationship. That was explicitly what you were saying you WOULD NOT do.

I will work to resolve disagreements or different points of view. But I won't work to try to love someone that I'm no longer in love with.

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If you don't think you're gonna stay together forever, then don't get married. But why look down upon people who are filled with love and optimism as if they're stupid?

I don't, I expressed my personal opinion and got called selfish, lazy and stupid for it. If it works for you, great, congratulations. But don't force your opinions on how I or anyone else should conduct their love lives based on your pre-conceptions about what people should do.

[mailin 0]

I'll disagree. I see a 'priority shift' with the last few generations. It used to be people concentrating on what was good for the family rather than what was good for them. My uncle for instance wanted a better job so he took my then 13 and 15 year old cousins and moved them across the country to San Fransisco. My then 15 year old cousin dropped out of highschool and is now in prison - the then 13 year old lives at home and smokes pot all day...

All the while my uncle and aunt work 50+ hours a week at their jobs.

I find this stuff fascinating... I should have majored in sociology or something

Jen

Arianna Frances

[freeflybella 0]

And let's not forget that some people don't want the new, uncertain, period of getting to know someone, discovering things that may or may not be compatible - shallower types of relationships, over and over again.

Some of us are ready for and actively seeking the deeper, less glamorous, kind of intimacy and companionship that comes with long-term commitment and mutual effort over time.

Action expresses priority. - Mahatma Ghandi

[kelel01 1]

It just seems like maybe you're looking for a guarantee-- there are no guarantees in life, but there are things that are worth taking chances for. I think you just need to be a tad more optimistic. There ARE happy couples out there who have been together for a long time. Will I be a part of one? Hell if I know. But I'd like to think that it's a possibility.

Kelly

[kelel01 1]

Good answer, good answer!

Kelly

[Vallerina 2]

I doubt moving them to a new place and working so much had to do with your cousins' problems. Both of my parents worked a ton. I came out alright.

There's a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning

[mailin 0]

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I expressed my personal opinion and got called selfish, lazy and stupid for it

Sorry about that Kev - really. I didn't mean that post to go specifically to you. Its an attitude that I strongly disagree with, and it was wrong of me to express it in those terms.

Jen

Arianna Frances