Oil Change

[Slappie 9]

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.


2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.


Money spent:

Oil Change $20.00

Coffee $1.00

Total $21.

==========================================================

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss!


12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.


13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through>oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.

Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new>garage door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it bach to Kragen to recycle.


19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw Kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required t o stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00

DUI $2500.00

Impound fee $75.00

Bail $1500.00

Beer $40.00

Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

"Find out just what any people will quietly submit to and you have found out the exact measure of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them."

[SwampThing 0]

Where's
Ivan

The Pessimist says: "It can't possibly get any worse!"
The Optimist says: "Sure it can!"

[CSpenceFLY 1]

I just changed the oil in the Roaming RV.I managed to only get hot oil on my hands and drink alot of beer.Anyone ready for a boogie road trip?


.

[Broke 0]

Tempting, but I have other obligations, however if you happen to be near me and need a oil change I don't mind doing the dirty work. Just buy some beer and you are in business.

Divot your source for all things Hillbilly.
Anvil Brother 84
SCR 14192

[jumper03 0]

Quote

I just changed the oil in the Roaming RV.I managed to only get hot oil on my hands and drink alot of beer.Anyone ready for a boogie road trip?


.

where to?!?!?!

Scars remind us that the past is real

[popsjumper 2]

I'm up for Palatka at the end of the month.

When I change the oil the first quart automatically gets poured all over me and then I can start the job. But it gets done right!

My reality and yours are quite different.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239

[adrenalinejunki 0]

You forgot about forgetting to install the oil filter before starting the engine.
.
.
I have even seen someone drive a screwdriver thru the NEW oil filter to tighten it.





__________________________________________________

What's the worst that can happen?

[ViperPilot 0]

A buddy of mine told me about a dude who drained his oil, then had to go do something else and forgot about it. Jumped in the car a few hours later to run to the store...wonder what went through his mind as he started driving down the street.

[LisaM 0]

Yeah right.... $20 oil change at Jiffy Lube ... my lant one there was over $50.....

~ Lisa
~ Do you Rigminder?

[grue 1]

1. My car requires a change every 10,000 miles, not every 3,000

2. Jiffy Lube is the last damned place I'm going to let touch my car. I did it once (was going on a road trip and didn't have the time to go buy a new torque wrench. Supplied the oil and filter, of course) and ended up needing a new oilpan because they overtorqued the bolt and stripped the pan.

cavete terrae.

[champu 1]

Instructions truly directed at men would never involve writing a check. Cash is much more manly.

And at that, what man would ever actually read these instructions?

[Thanatos340 1]

Almost all Jiffy Lubes will try to rip you off.

Like others have said.. You only need to change your oil every 7500 to 10000 miles. Check you Owners manual. even it will say something like 7500 usually.

And you dont need that air Cleaner they try to sell you everytime.. and you dont need an engine flush if you 1000 miles over the 3000 and you dont need your brake fluid changed and you dont need your radiator flushed.

Tell them rudely as nessacary.. Change the fucking oil and thats it.

[Amazon 7]

I took my 3/4 ton 4x4 truck to the oil change place last Friday...

Had the oil changed in the transmission and transfer case and the engine.. it was time... total $119

Took less than 20 minutes.... told them to leave my air filter alone.. and they vacumed the truck out of the mud from going off road( I actually take my 2003 out to play in the mud.. I mean CHIT.. I see so many 4x4 that have never even gotton off onto a dirt road) ....the underside of my truck is NASTY......its worth it to have them do it for me.. money well spent.

[LisaM 0]

I do say no to tho extra crap... i believe it is the synthetic that gets me....

~ Lisa
~ Do you Rigminder?

[CSpenceFLY 1]

I had some free oil changes that came with my truck.I went in, told them to leave everything else alone and the fucker tried to throw away a $60 K&N air filter.Jackass.


.

[warpedskydiver 0]

Quote

1. My car requires a change every 10,000 miles, not every 3,000

2. Jiffy Lube is the last damned place I'm going to let touch my car. I did it once (was going on a road trip and didn't have the time to go buy a new torque wrench. Supplied the oil and filter, of course) and ended up needing a new oilpan because they overtorqued the bolt and stripped the pan.

Oil Plugs are never to be torqued my god it's a freakin plug not a bolt holding the car together!!!

My dad would be spinning in his grave

[warpedskydiver 0]

I went to a Jiffy lube back in 1986 with my newly rebuilt Camaro, with a brand spanking new motor I built Myself...needed the oilchanged because I had to go somewhere and was in a suit and tie.

I heard screaming from the Garage as the fools bent over to check everything the guy thought wow this is weird his fan isn't turning...(Electric Fans were uncommon back then) and he stuck his hand in there as it started....I think he lost a few fingers.


I was washing my car the next weekend and found some of his flesh in my radiator!! grrrrrrrr

[briguy 0]

I'll take my car in to a lube place if i need the tranny fluid changed... that's a messy job i like to skip.

other than that, i change the oil myself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[warpedskydiver 0]

hey were you at Sams club on saturday?

[briguy 0]

maybe..... either sat or sun.

what city?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~