My Ex called...

[airdvr 200]

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I'd bet that he already knows how to beat that drug test.
Most smokers learn that one real quick.
It's easy and cheap.
You're likely to just encourage his drug of choice to change to alcohol.
Maybe you should look at why he uses any drug.

Nothing is foolproof. There's no perfect solution. But I know from personal experience he's making decisions that will effect the rest of his life. I was going to go to college...instead it was easier to get a job and sit around in the evenings and get high with my friends.

He scores a 30 on the ACT and has an overall GPA in his junior year of 2.5! He's bored with some of his classes, who wasn't? He needs some motivation. He needs to understand the consequences of his actions. We started taking him to see different colleges last weekend in the hopes it would get him fired up. And I think it did. Now, in order to get his car back he must finish his junior year with at least a 3.2.

I know he'll go off to school and drink and get high. It's like a right of passage. We've already agreed to set a level of acheivement in college that will earn him the privledge of having his mom and I pay for it, with different percentages of us paying for different GPA's.

You say maybe we should ask why he chooses to get high. There's a long list of reasons that I won't get into here, starting with the divorce 4 years ago.

We had a conversation a couple of weeks ago about college and making money. I showed him what my business had earned for me last year. Wasn't much. I don't know if you have any idea of what its like to sit and explain to your children that you're not as successful as you'd like to be, and lack of a college education is a big factor. How I'm shutout of alot of job opportunities simply because I don't have a sheepskin. It's a humbling experience.

Please don't dent the planet.

Destinations by Roxanne

[skybytch 259]

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He scores a 30 on the ACT and has an overall GPA in his junior year of 2.5! He's bored with some of his classes, who wasn't? He needs some motivation.

Ever have him tested for ADD?

[airtwardo 6]

One the other hand, the kids is damn lucky to have a dad that cares as much about him and his future as you obviously do...I do know from experience how much time and effort it takes to be there like that.

Kudos to you and best of luck helping him get through this stage of his life with positive results!

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[airdvr 200]

No need for a test. He's most definitely ADD, just like his dad Not interested in the fix. I've always felt the drugs for ADD are almost as bad as the problem you're trying to cure. Just work through it as best you can.

Please don't dent the planet.

Destinations by Roxanne

[airtwardo 6]

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No need for a test. He's most definitely ADD, just like his dad Not interested in the fix. I've always felt the drugs for ADD are almost as bad as the problem you're trying to cure. Just work through it as best you can.

At his age, and considering his grades are acceptable you may have a point.

My oldest son (17) took the meds for 7-8 years and the improvement was off the charts...he asked to stop this year and we agreed...he has slipped some but is coming back around and is grateful at not having to deal with the side effects anymore.

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[airdvr 200]

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One the other hand, the kids is damn lucky to have a dad that cares as much about him and his future as you obviously do...I do know from experience how much time and effort it takes to be there like that.

Kudos to you and best of luck helping him get through this stage of his life with positive results!

Thanks Twardo...

Please don't dent the planet.

Destinations by Roxanne

[Gawain 0]

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my father wonders why I didnt talk to him for many years.. this is why..

"my way or the highway, my house my rules."

If you're under 18 then there's nothing wrong with this.

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"ok its the highway then, and I wont live in your house any longer."

If you're 18 or over, have a nice trip.

I realize I'm being overly simplistic.

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Trust MUST go both ways if it is to mean anything. Drug testing your kids is not trusting them.

If your kid is doing drugs, there is reason not to trust them.

So I try and I scream and I beg and I sigh
Just to prove I'm alive, and it's alright
'Cause tonight there's a way I'll make light of my treacherous life
Make light!

[skybytch 259]

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Not interested in the fix. I've always felt the drugs for ADD are almost as bad as the problem you're trying to cure. Just work through it as best you can.

He's self-medicating with weed already. If he's anything like the ADD folks I know (including myself), you can take away the car, the tv, the money for college... if the weed makes living with his ADD mind and the consequences of his ADD related actions (or inactions) easier to deal with it, he'll continue to self-medicate regardless.

If his vision was less than 20/20, would you be against him wearing glasses? Medication for ADD is no different. It allows the brain to focus on the stupid boring stuff when it needs to focus on the stupid boring stuff. Being able to focus on the stupid boring stuff makes success in school easier; success leads to not needing to numb the pain of screwing up yet again with weed or alcohol.

[davelepka 4]

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I'd rather have a drug free son who thinks I don't trust him, than a drug addict son who thinks I'm great

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would you rather have a drug free son who refuses to speak to you at all? Think about it, you cant get yesterday back... what do you want the last conversation you have with him to be about?

That was my quote you're responding to, and yeah, if it meant that he would be off drugs, I'd rather have a son that doesn't speak to me.

My concern is for his life, not mine. His health, his emotional development, his chances for personal and professional success, these are the things that I want to protect.

Like I said earlier, this is a tough situation, and there may not be a 'happy' solution. Sometimes you have to make the tough choices, and do what you know is right in the long term.

[simplyputsi 0]

I didn't read all the replies.

I have to say though 30 on the ACT!!!! That is friggen awesome!!!

I have a little bro, 16, who has been caught with weed. From what I can see, no amount of punishment seems to get the point across.

I'm pretty sure the only way my lil bro will learn is when he is sitting in the back of a cop car. Friggen Idiot!

Skymama's #2 stalker -

[airdvr 200]

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Not interested in the fix. I've always felt the drugs for ADD are almost as bad as the problem you're trying to cure. Just work through it as best you can.

He's self-medicating with weed already. If he's anything like the ADD folks I know (including myself), you can take away the car, the tv, the money for college... if the weed makes living with his ADD mind and the consequences of his ADD related actions (or inactions) easier to deal with it, he'll continue to self-medicate regardless.

If his vision was less than 20/20, would you be against him wearing glasses? Medication for ADD is no different. It allows the brain to focus on the stupid boring stuff when it needs to focus on the stupid boring stuff. Being able to focus on the stupid boring stuff makes success in school easier; success leads to not needing to numb the pain of screwing up yet again with weed or alcohol.

I get all of your points. Based on his history he can do well if he wants to. I don't believe the ADD gets in his way if he is motivated.

When he was in 8th grade he came home and said he wanted to play football. We'd already tried baseball and basketball. He didn't take to them because he wasn't good at them, and wasn't interested in trying to get better. WHen he said football I thought "here we go again". To my surprise he has done well with it and stuck to it all through HS. My point is when he want to do something he accels.

Please don't dent the planet.

Destinations by Roxanne

[shropshire 0]

Great answers, I agree.

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[skybytch 259]

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My point is when he want to do something he accels.

Which is classic ADD behavior.

Medication would make it possible to excel at things that he DOESN'T want to do.

[airtwardo 6]

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my father wonders why I didnt talk to him for many years.. this is why..

"my way or the highway, my house my rules."

If you're under 18 then there's nothing wrong with this.

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"ok its the highway then, and I wont live in your house any longer."

If you're 18 or over, have a nice trip.

I realize I'm being overly simplistic.

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Trust MUST go both ways if it is to mean anything. Drug testing your kids is not trusting them.

If your kid is doing drugs, there is reason not to trust them.

Yup...goes back to the showing consequences for actions thing.

As parents we often try to shield our kids from the negative things in life, that really isn't doing them any favors.

There have to be hard and fast rules that if broken require a price to be paid...if you do X then Y will happen.

It's a pain in the ass to have to be a 'cop' to your own children, but if ya don't, in time the real cops will.

Found downers & weed & booze abuse with my oldest...after calming down we had the long talk and instituted the consequences he knew would be a result of such behavior.

There is NO tolerance here for drug use, with our careers to consider...the rules were explained and in place years ago.

My guy has 7 months left on my 1 year random drug test program, there are very few things in his room right now to make it easier for me to search, he still doesn't have a drivers license and won't until he's 18...he has a cell phone but the time and people he calls are closely monitored, an outlined set of home duties are to be completed everyday or he doesn't eat or sleep here...He's 17, in Texas that is considered an adult, the my way or the highway threat carries real weight and seems to be getting him back on the line.

I explain to him often this isn't 'the end of the world' it's a new start and things will get considerably better as trust is regained.

I cut him some slack when he goes above and beyond what's expected of him, and drop the hammer when tries to get away with less than full effort.

It may seem harsh to some but if I didn't care about his future and giving him a shot at a good life, I would just pat him on the ass and say it's okay don't do it again...like the parents of some of the loser kids in our neighborhood.

In some ways this little adventure has brought us closer...I find myself speaking to him in a logical adult manner and he responds with the same, there's less lies and deceit on his part and I think his being able to speak honestly with me makes HIM feel better about himself.

Our kids are adopted, they had a pretty rough start in life but hit the jackpot coming to us, they have opportunities beyond imagination, more so even than most of the kids they know.

It would be worse than tragic to limit those opportunities now by letting them make bad choices...

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[Butters 0]

You may want to determine why the child chose to use drugs because while some children may require punishment other children may need a new activity (of their choice).

PS: An added benefit of a new activity is that it will help the child make new friends.

"That looks dangerous." Leopold Stotch

[airdvr 200]

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My point is when he want to do something he accels.

Which is classic ADD behavior.

Medication would make it possible to excel at things that he DOESN'T want to do.

I understand what you're saying. I just believe the correct answer isn't "here, instead of taking that drug, take this drug". Seems to me there's a drug for every problem anyone has these days. And to just medicate someone sends the wrong message, and that message is "it's not your fault, its (insert whatever syndrome you choose here) fault." Should he take the meds forever? Everytime he hits a rough patch should he take some more meds?

I'm sure something along the lines of Strattera would help him. I don't think he needs any more help than knowing where the fence is built, and how to open the gate if he wants to. That's how his life will be, better start getting with the program now.

Please don't dent the planet.

Destinations by Roxanne

[skybytch 259]

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And to just medicate someone sends the wrong message, and that message is "it's not your fault, its (insert whatever syndrome you choose here) fault." Should he take the meds forever? Everytime he hits a rough patch should he take some more meds?

ADD is not an excuse for anything. It's an explanation.

With time, help and structure, some people can learn to manage it fairly well. Medication can be part of that learning process, and it doesn't need to be taken for a lifetime, or even every day while a person is on it (when I was on Ritalin I'd take it only when I needed to be focused; eventually I learned how to focus pretty well without it). Those who don't learn to manage their ADD tend to flail miserably in life if they aren't lucky enough to find an understanding partner.

If he's already having problems in the more structured atmosphere of high school it's likely that he's going to drown in the unstructured atmosphere of college. You may want to rethink your stance on this one if you'd like to see him not waste your money for even one semester's tuition...

[DHolland 0]

I think you are doing the right thing however be careful your not too hard on him because it may reverse the effect and make him smoke more. If he gets his grades up and gets a job set up for the summer then that is all you can ask for. At 17 your son probably will smoke sometimes and go out and drink it is part of being a teenager. Just try to be fair with him and you will be able to gain an honest relationship with him, if you are too tough he will hide stuff from you and it will make it worse. If he gets good grades and keeps his act together, thats all you can ask for just try to talk to him about making good decisions. So many of my friends have DUI's and one of my best friends died after falling off a waterfall. Just talk to him about being safe because a bad decision good fuck him over for a long long time. Hope that helps a little. Oh ya and a job will definately help him keep busy but i can remember what i spent my money on with my paychecks. . .does he pay for his insurance or gas if not you should probably make him take care of that so he can only buy a sack and not an ounce at a time

[Icon134 0]

It amazes me that there are so many are declaring that this is part of being a teenager "probably will smoke sometimes and go out and drink it is part of being a teenager."

I was a teenager and although I know that some of my friends and classmates drank and some may have been involved in drugs I did not do either because I had always understood that it would be detrimental to my life... neither did my brother or either of my sisters... perhaps the fact that my parents didn't smoke or drink in front of us may have had some effect on this in my family but it just amazes me that that smoking or drinking as a teenager is accepted as the "norm" and not an exception...

never mind the fact that I would have gotten in serious trouble with my father if I had ever been arrested or detained for something like that or anything else for that matter... (I wouldn't have left the house ever again... ) I knew that... I never actually had to be told that...

Livin' on the Edge... sleeping with my rigger's wife...

[Zenister 0]

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my father wonders why I didnt talk to him for many years.. this is why..

"my way or the highway, my house my rules."

If you're under 18 then there's nothing wrong with this.

I was 17 when I walked out. He drew a line in the sand he wasn't expecting me to cross. I called his bluff. We didnt speak for years, until my aunt (his sister) pushed it.

It was the day I became my own man and not the man may father 'wished' me to be.

you cant live your child's life for them, nor make or prevent their own mistakes. All you can do it accept that you have done you best and live with the outcomes.

My father would have been part of a good deal more of my life if he had trusted me. He broke that trust and will likely never regain what he could have had.

I'm more aware of everything I put in my body than most people on the planet. (including my father who didnt quit smoking until i ran circles around him backwards to prove a point)

when you resort to 'third party testing' over accepting the word of your blood you have already lost the most important value you could have taught.

a few critical points.

'right' is not determined by what society says is 'right' in relation to the decisions made by an individual, it is the internal decision that matters not the external. Drugs that 'help you fit into the nice square hole' are ok, (as long as someone is making money off them) but any other means is unacceptable?

The ACT is a joke..

____________________________________
Those who fail to learn from the past are simply Doomed.

[Zenister 0]

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and I think his being able to speak honestly with me makes HIM feel better about himself.

I think there is some self delusion going on here. More likely he has learned that there are somethings you simply WILL NOT HEAR, and therefore he will not tell you them, he will wear the mask he knows you will accept, keeping his real thoughts to himself and in doing so, close off a portion of who he really is because he hasn't learned(yet) he doesn't require your support or acceptance.

My father knows (far to well I imagine) I will tell him exactly what I think, feel and believe in no uncertain terms on any subject (exactly as he taught me to do to others not expecting it might come back to haunt him) and that 'grandstanding' will not accomplish anything towards real communication.

the ugly truth is more reliable than the pretty lie. Parents want to hear (and are more often told) the pretty lie about what is really going on in their children's lives. Grandstanding only encourages the lies and the liars get better at their craft. Its easy to lie to people when you stop caring what they think.

____________________________________
Those who fail to learn from the past are simply Doomed.

[airtwardo 6]

I think there is some self delusion going on here. More likely he has learned that there are somethings you simply WILL NOT HEAR, and therefore he will not tell you them, he will wear the mask he knows you will accept, keeping his real thoughts to himself and in doing so, close off a portion of who he really is because he hasn't learned(yet) he doesn't require your support or acceptance.

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Actually it's just the opposite...

Generational differences always come with a degree of mistrust because of a lack of understanding on both parties.

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[Nightingale 0]

Have you sat down and talked with your kid about drugs and given him the scientific facts about what they can do to your body? Get online together and do some research so he can't say that you're giving him biased info.

If his grades are slipping, offer to get him a tutor. Once kids grades slip, it's hard for them to catch up on their own, and it's got nothing to do with intelligence.

Take the car away for the drugs for the rest of the school year because driving while high is a bad idea, but don't hold it hostage for his grades, especially not when it's almost April. If you're worried that the drugs will be repeated after your conversation with your son, piss test him once a week, and as long as it comes out clean, he gets to drive the yellow car.

[Nightingale 0]

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When he was in 8th grade he came home and said he wanted to play football. We'd already tried baseball and basketball. He didn't take to them because he wasn't good at them, and wasn't interested in trying to get better. WHen he said football I thought "here we go again". To my surprise he has done well with it and stuck to it all through HS. My point is when he want to do something he accels.

The ability to focus on sports is completely different from the ability to focus on school, because in sports, while you may be playing the same game for an hour or two, the situation is constantly changing, so it is not as affected by ADD.

Elementary and junior high school tends to be more interactive than high school, and therefore, more engaging to kids with ADD. With high school, there are more lectures and more distractions, and it's harder to focus, so grades slip more, and teachers aren't as pro-active about helping students with problems.

There have been a ton of advancements in drugs for ADD. It may be worth exploring them and sitting down with your son and his doctor and getting all the information. Like Lisa said, he's already self-medicating, so give him the opportunity to make an informed decision about whether he'd want to try medication that's actually been developed for and treats his condition.

[LisaH 0]

I don't have kids, but I know what I put my mom through.

She cured me of getting high by asking me to please do it at home where I'm safe. Who wants to get high at home?? With parents around.

Maybe not the best method, but it worked for me. I lost interest in it.

Be yourself!
MooOOooOoo