My Ex called...

[airdvr 200]

...and told me she found weed on my 17yo son.

I know it's not the end of the world...but we were able to agree on the consequences.

1. Car is gone for the rest of the school year. He can take that yellow car that's already paid for.
2. Grades have been slipping (classic sign I know). If he wants his car back he needs to end the year with a 3.5gpa. He just scored a 30 on his ACT so I know he can do it.
3. Has to get a job this summer. Not sure whether that's going to help or hurt but he needs a schedule.

ANyone have any other ideas? I'm not going to be hypocritical. I invested plenty of money in Mexico, Columbia, and Jamaica at his age. But the alternative is doing nothing, and I would be derelict in my duties as a parent.

Please don't dent the planet.

Destinations by Roxanne

[skymama 35]

I read an article recently that stated weed is 7 times more potent now than it was in the 70's. I posted about the same kind of problem that my friend was having with her son, he's in rehab now. I hope you are able to get results with your son so you won't have to go to those lengths. I think what you are doing is good. Is he skipping school or trying to sneak out at night? What does he do in the afternoons?

She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

[airdvr 200]

Quote

I read an article recently that stated weed is 7 times more potent now than it was in the 70's. I posted about the same kind of problem that my friend was having with her son, he's in rehab now. I hope you are able to get results with your son so you won't have to go to those lengths. I think what you are doing is good. Is he skipping school or trying to sneak out at night? What does he do in the afternoons?

The frustrating part is he doesn't live with me. I have to go on what his mom says...and as far as I know there's none of that.

He told her who he got it from, and who he smoked with. Experts say we should contact the parents. Still mulling that one over.

I'm concerned that he'll be "branded" by his current friends and fall in with new, less desirable ones.

Please don't dent the planet.

Destinations by Roxanne

[Lindsey 0]

I'm concerned that he'll be "branded" by his current friends and fall in with new, less desirable ones.

Aren't his current friends the people he's smoking marijuana with?

In my experience, when people quit using drugs, the groups they fall in with tend to be more, rather than less, desirable. FWIW, I think you're setting some good, clear boundaries. Good parenting job.

:)
linz

--
A conservative is just a liberal who's been mugged. A liberal is just a conservative who's been to jail

[skymama 35]

Quote

The frustrating part is he doesn't live with me. I have to go on what his mom says...and as far as I know there's none of that.

Our school system has e-mail updates for absenses and tardies and I can look at a website to check my son's grades. You might want to give your son's school a call to see if they have something like that so you can sign up for it.

She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

[airdvr 200]

Quote

I'm concerned that he'll be "branded" by his current friends and fall in with new, less desirable ones.

Aren't his current friends the people he's smoking marijuana with?

In my experience, when people quit using drugs, the groups they fall in with tend to be more, rather than less, desirable. FWIW, I think you're setting some good, clear boundaries. Good parenting job.

:)
linz

I get that part. Problem with that is word spreads fast in High School. What parent is going to want their kid hanging around with someone who is known to have smoked pot? Seems the only ones would be those parents who either don't care or are not paying attention.

Please don't dent the planet.

Destinations by Roxanne

[airdvr 200]

Quote

Quote

The frustrating part is he doesn't live with me. I have to go on what his mom says...and as far as I know there's none of that.

Our school system has e-mail updates for absenses and tardies and I can look at a website to check my son's grades. You might want to give your son's school a call to see if they have something like that so you can sign up for it.

In Ohio they use the Pinnacle system. I check it often, and he's not missing school. I was referring to the sneaking out part.

Please don't dent the planet.

Destinations by Roxanne

[Lindsey 0]

What parent is going to want their kid hanging around with someone who is known to have smoked pot? Seems the only ones would be those parents who either don't care or are not paying attention.


You might be surprised. I think that if he were 13 or 14 y/o then that'd be more of an issue. At 17 though? I don't think it'd be such a big deal. I'd let my kid hang out with him. :)

linz

--
A conservative is just a liberal who's been mugged. A liberal is just a conservative who's been to jail

[airtwardo 6]

Sounds like you're doing about all you can...

As I've said before, and I have plenty of experience with this, in 99% of the cases it's worse than the parents are aware.

We have two 17 and one 16...that have come to understand the severe consequences of underage drinking and drug use while living in our home.

Loss of privileges, privacy and random drug tests may seem over the top to some, but I got ONE chance to get them started on the right road...sometimes it's tough, but I'm not supposed to be their 'friend'!

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[Mayberry 0]

There's an ad for Time to Talk that usually pops up at the top of the page here, may be helpful. I gave the link to one of the guys I work with, he's in a very similar situation with his 17 year old son. Good luck to you.

Don

Here's to friends!

[davelepka 4]

It's easy - random and frequent drug tests.

Some might say this is too extreme, but in all fairness you never did this until HE made it a problem. Despite all the statistics, and all the 'experts' telling you that most teens will expeiment with drugs, you did not institute a drug testing policy.

If he is upset about the policy, then he only had himsefl to blame.

Let's face it, if you're not around observing his day-to-day behavoirs, and it's clear that mom isn't keeping a close enough eye on the kid, than testing is the only way.

Sure, you may have smoked in your day, and I know you can look at your old friends and see that some of them came out of it OK, and others didn't. Maybe they moved on to other drugs, or maybe satyed with weed and just didn't live up to their potential. It's a crap shoot as to who will be OK and whi won't, and not a gamble I'd want to take with my kids. And as previously mentioned, the weed is crazy strong these days.

When was a teen I had a terrible relationship with m father, who I thought was too controlling. As it turns out, he was trying to watch out for me, and son enough I grew up and came to see this. So in the end, it was 5 or 6 tough years where we butted heads, but since then, we have had a great relationship.


I guess there is the chance that a son will never come to see the good intentions of his father, but I would rather have my son be an adult who's only problem is that he doesn't like his father. If he has is health, a good education, and can start a family of his own, then I did my job.

Good luck either way. I've got a few more years, nut my son will be there soon. Not long after that, my daughter will start dating. It's going to be a rough decade for me.

[Hausse 0]

Quote

It's easy - random and frequent drug tests.

Now that's pretty messed up... As far as I read your son has already been punished very hard and it seems rediculous to introduce random drug tests for getting caught with pot once...

[davelepka 4]

Quote

Now that's pretty messed up... As far as I read your son has already been punished very hard and it seems rediculous to introduce random drug tests for getting caught with pot once...

Sure he only got caught once, but how long had he been smoking when he got caught? Maybe it had been a while. Maybe he made up his mind that he liked it.

I've got a buddy who's a union carpenter and he gets tested all the time, but it doesn't bother him a bit. You know why? He doesn't smoke. People who don't smoke don't mind drug tests.

The test is the only way to know for sure. I'm sure that at some point the OP told his kid not to do drugs. He didn't listen then, so why would he listen now?

Teachers and anit-drug programs tell kids that drugs will ruin your life, make you lose your friends and even kill you, but that doesn't stop kids. What makes you think that losing your car for a few months or getting grounded would be a deterrent?

Test the kid every month for a few months. If it works out, give him a 'random' in a few months, and call it a day. It a very short term consequence for a potentially very long term problem.

[Hausse 0]

There is a slight difference between getting tested by your employer who does it out of legal reasons and getting tested by your parents because they don't trust you.

Why do you think drug tests would make him stop when getting the car taken away doesn't?

[davelepka 4]

Quote

Why do you think drug tests would make him stop when getting the car taken away doesn't?

I don't. I think the tests will let his parents know that he's not going to stop, and they can take further action.

I'd rather have a drug free son who thinks I don't trust him, than a drug addict son who thinks I'm great.

This isn't a nice and friendly situation, and there may not be a nice and friendly solution.

[shropshire 0]

>

Personally I don't agree with that philosphy. It seems to follow the erroneous "If you've done nothing wrong, then you have nothing to hide" logic, which hides a slippery slope enhabited by the power crazed.

I don't do drugs but would refuse a test. Innocent till proven guilty.

That said. I'm an adult (no really, I am). The OPs son, is not and should do as he's told by his folks.

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[SpeedRacer 1]

Quote

>

Personally I don't agree with that philosphy. It seems to follow the erroneous "If you've done nothing wrong, then you have nothing to hide" logic, which hides a slippery slope enhabited by the power crazed.

I don't do drugs but would refuse a test. Innocent till proven guilty.

That said. I'm an adult (no really, I am). The OPs son, is not and should do as he's told by his folks.

also drug tests are not foolproof. PLENTY of people lose their jobs because of false positive drug test results.

Speed Racer
--------------------------------------------------

[auburnguy 0]

Beat him with a rubber hose.

"If you don't like your job, you don't strike! You just go in every day, and do it really half assed. That's the American way."
- Homer Simpson

[airdvr 200]

We've talked about the random drug test thing and I've decided that I'm going to do it once....this summer...unannounced. And I'll only do it once. It's totally to see if what we're doing is working. If it's positive I'll know he isn't going to change and no matter what I try it will be useless. He'll be 18 in November. I won't subsidize his drug use. ANd I won't be paying for him to go party at college.

Please don't dent the planet.

Destinations by Roxanne

[Hausse 0]

Just make sure you don't get a false positve. There are several substances (one of them is in Mountain Dew) that can give you a false result.

[airtwardo 6]

Quote

Just make sure you don't get a false positive. There are several substances (one of them is in Mountain Dew) that can give you a false result.

You got any kids?

Dealt with this problem problem and are speaking from experience as a concerned parent or just preaching from the sidelines?

I would honestly be more concerned with a false NEGATIVE!

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[gavi_omen 0]

Hausse is 18 himself. I don't think he does. Although, you never know, he may have some kids back in Switzerland or something...

There's no such thing as free will; everything is dictated by the Uncertainty Principle.

[Zenister 0]

Quote

We've talked about the random drug test thing and I've decided that I'm going to do it once....this summer...unannounced. And I'll only do it once. It's totally to see if what we're doing is working.

my father wonders why I didnt talk to him for many years.. this is why..

"my way or the highway, my house my rules."
"ok its the highway then, and I wont live in your house any longer."

Trust MUST go both ways if it is to mean anything. Drug testing your kids is not trusting them.

Quote

I'd rather have a drug free son who thinks I don't trust him, than a drug addict son who thinks I'm great

would you rather have a drug free son who refuses to speak to you at all? Think about it, you cant get yesterday back... what do you want the last conversation you have with him to be about?

____________________________________
Those who fail to learn from the past are simply Doomed.

[airdvr 200]

Trust MUST go both ways if it is to mean anything. Drug testing your kids is not trusting them.

I had a conversation with him yesterday about trust. He had my trust and violated it. Now he must earn my trust again.

I would never test my kids just because I wanted to know if they were getting baked. It's different now. I know he is/was.

I'm really trying not to be hypocritical on this. There's potential for further problems I know. Hell, everyone I know as an adult had some experience with weed when they were younger.

Please don't dent the planet.

Destinations by Roxanne

[funkyone2 0]

I'd bet that he already knows how to beat that drug test.
Most smokers learn that one real quick.
It's easy and cheap.
You're likely to just encourage his drug of choice to change to alcohol.
Maybe you should look at why he uses any drug.